“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.12): Fool Me Once

 
 

Library!

Taystee is back to shelving. Pousséy asks what happened. Taystee explains that she couldn’t take all the hoops she had to jump through: drug tests, applying for jobs she knows she won’t get, probation checkups, and curfews. She says at least in jail, you get dinner. Pousséy gives Taystee a Head Whack of Wise the Hell Up and says Taystee had better not be back because freedom was inconvenient. Taystee tells her about her real problems: Minimum wage is a joke, she still owed the prison money for fees (!!!), and she had nowhere to go. At least she knows what to do in prison. And she has Pousséy.

oitnb_Taystee

Chapel!

Watson hands Yoga Jones a nail she found. It could send them both to SHU if they get caught with it. Yoga Jones asks what kind of voltage they’re talking about. No. Way.

Watson says it’s fine if Yoga Jones just wants to go back to their regular lives. She doesn’t. She sticks the nail straight into the electrical socket. For just a second, Jones seems dead. But instead she seems to have been repolarized and maybe rearranged a little. She needed that. She hands the nail to Watson.

Hallway!

Chapman takes a baby picture out of an envelope. Doggett asks Chapman if she’s ready for the baptism. SEE, Chapman?! Chapman harumbles that it’s Visitation Day and maybe Larry will show up blah blah has to wash her hair blah blah thinks she saw a mythical Superchicken this morning blah blah traffic was terrible.

Doggett says yes, she was serious about the baptism and it only takes a few minutes. And Heaven is forever! For real: Is “forcing people to conform to your personal standards of good” the same thing as “forgiveness” nowadays? I’ve just got to invest in a new dictionary.

The lights flicker, I’m guessing due to Jones and Watson’s new Fully Rigid Savasana pose that they’re working on, but someone takes it as a sign that Jesus has moved back over to Team Doggett.

Doggett’s Flashback!

Besuited Guy from the Visiting Room introduces himself as Doggett’s new lawyer, sent by a Christian legal team and already paid for. He says he’ll make sure she’ll do less time, present her as a defender of babies, and give her family a stipend. He opens the courtroom door to show Doggett her new friends, who all showed up to cheer her murder. To them, she’s a hero. Doggett gets the first taste of her own hype.

Hallway!

Oh, for crying out loud, Chapman agrees to a baptism. No learning curve whatsoever.

Caputo’s office!

Caputo is, in fact, thrilled with Bennett’s bust. (No, no: His drug bust.) Caputo says he’ll remember Bennett when it’s time to promote someone and exults that Red is finally going down. Caputo kisses Bennett in a manly, non-gay fashion of rejoicing.

oitnb_Bennett Bust

Healy’s office!

Red is mediating. Healy’s wife does not wish to watch any more Storage Wars and would like some excitement. Red tells Healy to take her out more and clip those toenails. She tells Healy’s wife that she has a man with a government job, so quit being an idiot.

Bennett requests Red’s presence in Caputo’s office. She knows it’s because of Mustache and tells Healy to take care of her girls. Healy and his wife call after Red. As do we all.

Laundry!

Doggett brings Chapman the Lost Sheep in. She gets ready to dunk Chapman in a nastyish sink and Chapman finally does what she should have done 45 minutes ago, which is politely say no thank you and take ownership of her different, totally valid set of beliefs. Though she maybe goes a little far in declaring what she thinks is bullshit.

oitnb_No baptism

Doggett says she tried to be friends; Chapman says she hopes Jesus makes Doggett very happy. She leaves.

Prison exit!

Figueroa takes a phone call. Whoopsie, it wasn’t just the inmates who listened to Larry’s interview. So did a newspaper reporter. Who is very interested in the shutdown of the track and the GED program and the switching out of medications to generics. The reporter looked up a few things and noticed that the prison budget has actually been increased by $2.3 million over the last few years. So, since Figueroa is in charge of day-to-day operations, where did all that money go?

Figueroa quickly hangs up and gets into her new Mercedes.

Visitors’ room!

Larry is there. He wants to get through this awful time as husband and wife, like right now, or he wants to break up. Care for an ultimatum, Piper?

Laundry!

Oh, hell. Doggett says Chapman disrespected her. So now Doggett has to kill her.

Oh, man, I am tenser than Yoga Jones. See you tomorrow!

Pages: 1 2 3 4
 
 

Tags: , ,