Cal’s fiancée finds processed meat and flips way out. She wants to hunt responsibly for all their fresh, unprocessed meat. She says if he won’t commit to their lifestyle, Cal might as well be a pot-smoking, fat Bon Iver. Ouch. Cal argues back. Fiancée yells that they’re fundamentally different people and squalls out.
Larry says that was awkward and that he hates to see them on the rocks. Cal says that was foreplay: He grew up in a WASP repressionland and this open fighting about absolutely everything they think is the best. And yes, Cal is committed to that relationship.
Watson comes in to fix the video player. Watson asks about the canceled classes. Yoga Jones says she’s taking a little break since she hit Watson. “You can only take so much Zen, you know? Sometimes you want to feel something.”
Yoga Jones, you will be shocked to learn, used to grow pot. Though she herself was more of an alcoholic. The weed paid her rent until the deer came. She couldn’t keep it out with fences or fox pee or anything. Yoga finally waited up all night to shoot the deer… and shot the neighbor’s eight-year-old kid by mistake.
Fischer comes in to enforce the no-socializing-during-work-hours rule and immediately ducks back out with an apology. Thanks for staying human, Fischer. Keep it up.
Another part of the rec area!
Pousséy and Cindy are talking Kwanzaa and Doggett watches them joke about how they aren’t sure what it is, but want the time off work. Doggett walks up to Chapman, who is learning to crochet. Doggett asks for a word. Chapman joins her at a table.
Doggett talks about the hate in her heart. She accurately points out that Chapman is no hero for saving her from Psych when Chapman got her tossed in there in the first place, but conveniently brushes off the part where she herself got Chapman tossed into the SHU.
Doggett says that Chapman turned the only thing that kept her going in prison into a joke. She asks Chapman what she believes in. Chapman goes into some academic dithering about secular humanism. Doggett says that she doesn’t have any cars or nice dinners, just Jesus. She says that once Chapman stops fighting and gets right with (her version of) God, she’ll see that this was all His plan.
Doggett wants Chapman to get on board with Doggett’s spiritual prescription. Why does Doggett’s inner spiritual process have to do with forcing Chapman to behave the way she wants? And, really, why is Chapman going along with this? What good does fake praying do, especially when faking religious sincerity is what got her into this?
Chapman slides from fake praying to Jesus to essentially praying to Doggett for forgiveness. Doggett smiles. Sweet music plays. Oh, harrumph. Doggett hugs Chapman and walks away, noting that a baptism would be nice. Sister Ingalls says Chapman maybe could have worked in the Blessed Virgin Mary to cover her bases, but that’s really a personal preference.
Bennett drinks with Mustache. Mustache says he thinks he and Diaz are in love. Oh, Mustache. Bennett refuses to carry a message to Diaz and advises Mustache to find a girl on the outside he can be with.
Mustache says he’s going to do Bennett a solid and tells him about the next drug shipment coming in with the produce. Mustache lies that Red is dealing, and says Caputo will be grateful if Bennett brings him the box. It’ll be Bennett’s win. Mustache also asks him again to carry the note to Diaz. It says “Wait for me.” Bennett is having a challenging day.
Chapman is in a confessy kind of mood. She says that yes, Larry left her, and that she’s an emotionally manipulative narcissist who bailed on Alex when her mother died. Alex counter-confesses that she’s a ruthless pragmatist who sold Chapman out and lied about it.
Chapman says it’s a relief. And that she’s ruined her life for Alex twice now. So what happens when they get out? Alex notes that her job skills and experience are mostly centered around heroin. She’s also not planning anything right now. Alex sells that being with her is about not knowing what’s going to happen next.
Nichols walks in (Hi, Nichols!) and makes fun of their schmoopiness. She alerts Alex and Chapman to the fact that Miss Claudette’s appeal didn’t go through and no one knows where she is. Oh, no.
Miss Claudette’s hopes are dashed. Newly Authoritative Fischer, in her deep voice, hassles “Inmate” about her badge and her non-regulation nail polish. Miss Claudette gives Fischer about two seconds to realize that this is a bad idea, then steps forward and just cold starts strangling her.
O’Neill and the gate guard rush up and cuff her. O’Neill yells that she’s headed to maximum security. Claudette says it doesn’t matter.
A new inmate in orange walks up to ask what everyone’s looking at. It’s Taystee!
Little Boo is in the next bunk! Cindy and Big Boo are taking Miss Claudette’s stuff. They explain that she’s never coming back. Boo takes Claudette’s stew pot and Cindy starts a special relationship with a picture of Denzel Washington. Speaking of forgiveness, Cindy tells the picture that The Book of Eli never happened.
Chapman claims Miss Claudette’s blanket even though Big Boo wants it. She makes a good case. Big Boo jokingly orders Little Boo to kill, but Little Boo is more of a lover. Chapman gets the blanket.