Larry is hanging out with Chapman’s awesome brother Cal. Call is serving Larry dandelion tea. I guess Larry told Cal everything — he’s bitching about the cheating (fair point) and cops to the radio interview as a bad move.
Cal thinks cheating is a strong word. He’s not sure if cheating on a man with a woman is really cheating. Larry wonders if Chapman is gay now, and Cal astutely points out that people don’t always fit into tidy categories. Which, really, Larry should have figured out by now if he really knew his fiancée that well.
Larry says he thinks it might be over and Cal asks to be left out of the drama, since he hates drama in general and this particular drama involves his sister. Cal gets a text and shouts a mighty yawp to the sky. He’s engaged.
Morello watches Caputo put up posters the Christmas pageant. She gives a signal and Mendoza buttonholes Caputo to talk about shower fungus. Like a lot about shower fungus. She asks for Crazy Eyes to be assigned to the Hispanic shower section, because Crazy Eyes keeps things really clean. Morello takes a signal from Murphy — a very inconspicuous and well chosen owl noise — and passes it on to Mendoza, who abruptly drops the fungus complaint and walks away.
Morello intercepts Caputo and says she heard a woman crying in the utility closet. And since they just had an inconvenient suicide, Morello thinks it would be a bad thing to ignore. Caputo is pissed and wants to get home to his Wild Turkey, but bites.
Mustache is banging a seriously bored Diaz. Caputo walks in. He will not be getting home to his Wild Turkey.
Claudette is cheerful. She’s going to find out about her case this afternoon. Chapman has some nail polish for Miss Claudette to use. She paints her nails for her. Claudette’s only real post-prison plans are to be with Baptiste and to eat dinner at 7:00 like a person. As Chapman keeps painting her nails, Claudette softens a tiny bit.
Watson sees that yoga is canceled today. And probably tomorrow.
Figueroa the Assistant Warden Who Never Helps is eighteen kinds of pissed off. Caputo says it was an isolated situation. Figueroa is skeptical. And she does not want the word rape used. At all. Caputo points out that since Diaz is a prisoner, she can’t give consent to a CO. Figueroa says they’re not putting rape on the record and Mustache takes leave without pay. Caputo is pissed.
Bennett comes up to ask if Diaz is OK. She tells him what happened and for some reason he isn’t thrilled to hear that she framed Mustache as a sex offender by deliberately sleeping with him. Diaz is pissed that Mustache didn’t get fired. And explains to Bennett that she did this for him. Bennett asks “Who are you?” and walks away.
Doggett is meeting with a besuited gentleman who likes to quote Scripture and dislikes liberals. Doggett says she’s still getting her head right after all the meds they gave her. And she also mentions that Jesus let her be humiliated and get thrown into the Psych Ward, so either he doesn’t exist or is a total prick.
The Besuited Man says people who are reviled and persecuted for Jesus’s sake are blessed. Wow, Doggett is really focusing on Chapman for this one, and isn’t feeling the forgiveness. The visitor tells Doggett that she’s a special chosen hero, and that her job is to forgive the obviously damaged Chapman. And then he asks Doggett to remember how she herself has been forgiven.
It’s good advice, but I feel like we’re riding a fine line between counseling and manipulation.
Doggett pulls an IV out of her own arm and gets up to leave the abortion clinic. A nurse snaps “Number five, huh? We should give you a punch card: Get the sixth one free.”
Doggett walks out past anti-choice protesters to a waiting pickup truck and grabs a gun out of it. She says “she disrespected me,” and marches straight back into the clinic. We hear a shot.
So Doggett the pro-life hero is really just a murderer with an impulse control problem. When did she start believing her own hype?
Fischer the nice guard is there. Caputo explains that he’s now short one guard a week before the Christmas Pageant, which apparently makes all the inmates extra nuts. Caputo tells her not to get in trouble the way Mustache did. They bond for a moment over how not-gay Fischer is, then Caputo explains that he really means she shouldn’t be going easy on anyone. Like letting Sister Ingalls take food out of the cafeteria. Caputo claims the Sister a guy. (Is it wrong that I kind of want the Sister to have killed a guy? OK, yes. But still.) Caputo tells Fischer to get on her game and, essentially, be more of a hard-ass jerk. Caputo offers to mentor. Fischer says she might use a deeper voice. Hee.
Caputo says it’s best to call the women “Inmate” instead of using their names to remind them that they aren’t really people. Fischer objects that they are people. Nope, says Caputo, they’re sheep. Then he reminds Fischer that she’s a woman and he’s a man. Bleargh.
Mustache walks out. Red is unloading her produce. Mustache pauses to wonder and she gives him a wink. Yup.