Alex is on the bed crying. Piper bitches at her as she searches for her passport. Alex just found out her mom died. Alex needs to fly home to arrange the funeral. Piper won’t go with her —she won’t be Alex’s girlfriend anymore. Alex begs Piper not to leave, but she does.
Diaz and Bennett walk together. He says the furlough could take weeks or months. Diaz says they’ll figure something out, but doesn’t elaborate. Bennett tells her about Mustache’s drunken weirdness, then sneaks a kiss.
Chapman says she’d like to make an official report about Doggett.
Diaz comes by to ask Mustache about his day. He takes the bait immediately and lets her know how smart he is. And tells her his conspiracy theory about sudoku.
Baptiste is there for Miss Claudette. She doesn’t want to jinx it, but she says she thinks she’ll be out soon. They choose a restaurant for her first night out. She says she’ll go anywhere with Baptiste. Oh, show. Please don’t hurt this sweet little hope.
Diaz comes in and tells Red and Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) that she’ll sleep with Mustache. Red and Nichols remind her that she needs to get semen on her and in her and then go straight to the medic’s office—no washing.
Chapman tells Alex that she’s only getting a couple of weeks of night-shift janitorial duty as punishment. For having someone thrown into the mental ward of no return. Chapman and Alex indulge in a little mattress-free spooning. Alex calls Chapman dumb, but brave. Oh, no. They’re falling in love. They tell each other that they heart each other.
Time for Larry’s interview to run! Everyone is listening.
Holy. Freaking. Dumb. Larry tells the Crazy Eyes story and insults her poem. Crazy Eyes—Suzanne—cries on her cot. Miss Claudette hears that Chapman is afraid of her and thinks of her as a spooky murderer. Watson is happy to be mentioned, though. Morello and Nichols get a little mention. Red does too, and she’s proud.
Mustache kisses Diaz as Larry and Fake Ira Glass talk about sex in prison. Larry says he and Piper didn’t make any agreements about that.
…And Mustache insists on rolling on a condom before having sex with Diaz. He is officially smarter than Bennett. And the whole plan is ruined.
Larry says he wouldn’t —theoretically—mind Chapman having sex in prison if it was just sex. But it would be devastating if she were in there with someone she had a connection with.
How’s that karma now, Chapman?