“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.11): Tall Men with Feelings


CO station!

Figueroa the Assistant Warden Who Never Helps is royally pissed off. She doesn’t want to get sued by the families of the Scared Straight kids, and she does not want an FBI investigation of a “clear-cut suicide.” They’ve already cremated the body just to make extra sure that investigation can’t happen.

Figueroa says the COs need to write a memo to let the inmates know the staff cares—well, “cares”—and about what services are available, and Healy objects because he has “real work” to do. And then Mustache is dumb enough to joke about it. Turns out Figueroa, does, in fact, have a little bit of angry humanity inside her, at least when it comes to these yuckabucks and not getting investigated. Mustache invites Bennett out for a drink after work. Whee.


Mom Diaz tries to get some ginger gum for Diaz’s morning sickness. Murphy, whose name I looked up just today, asks Mom Diaz “What’s my name?” Murphy is Red’s helper who isn’t Norma, and she’s sick of people asking her for favors all damn day and not knowing her name. She’s played by Abigail Savage, by the way.

Red says Gina is sensitive when she’s on the rag. Argh. Red also totally knows that Diaz is pregnant.

Oh, good. It’s mustache. He grouches in for his shipment and also takes an apple. If I didn’t know that Red was planning to take him down, I’d find that frustrating.

oitnb_Mustache Smells Red


Pousséy has a ton of books to put away. Her friend, who I think is named Black Cindy, reads her a horoscope that’s all about travel and expanding her horizons. That is cold.

Claudette is frustrated, but asks for Taurus anyway. The horoscope is about good news coming. Maybe her appeal? Claudette leaves in a hurry, which is too bad, because she probably would have liked to hear the part about that newspaper being eight months old.


Chapman waits for Alex, looking sad. Alex notes that when you have a girlfriend who is supplying quality orgasms, you should look happy to see her. She’s not wrong. Chapman needs a hug instead—no one showed up to plan Tricia’s funeral. Alex thinks the whole thing might be a part of Chapman’s inability to deal with emotional turmoil, especially since Chapman didn’t actually know Tricia well. Chapman reaches and says she and Tricia talked. Alex wonders if Chapman knew Tricia better than she knew Alex’s mom, which is apparently a low blow.

Crazy Eyes comes in to buff the floor. That is not a euphemism. Crazy Eyes totally knows that those two are doing it. Crazy Eyes gives Alex an important Romance Tip: Tell your girl how much you like her titties, and tell her often.

So many throw pillows, so little couch space.

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