Tricia teaches another girl the art of Zen panhandling—the trick is less effort, not more. Tricia has some food and also an account book. She says she’s going to pay back every debt for every thing she’s temporarily stolen.
Miss Claudette has a visitor coming she hasn’t seen in 10 years. Sophia knows what she needs in the way of a touch-up do.
Chapman talks to awesome Cal and his awesome girlfriend, who’s taking him to go shoot guns. Cal makes excuses for Larry, saying he’s probably just working with Fake Ira Glass on the show about long-distance relationships. Cal hangs up and Larry immediately emerges from the trailer. Cal tells Larry to call, and Larry, to his credit, doesn’t get into the details of why he hasn’t.
Tricia wanders in just in time for Chapman to be pissed about the fact that Larry will be discussing his feelings about her being in prison on the radio. Oh, poor Tricia—Mercy isn’t taking calls either.
Piper helps Polly get ready for her wedding. Past Polly is a little more fun than Present Polly. Polly calls Chapman on the fact that she dates hot girls who make her crazy. a) AHA! So Alex isn’t the only girlfriend Piper’s ever had and b) Yeah, watch that crucial clause about the crazymaking. Polly counsels Piper to find the person who makes her feel safe and knows when to order Chinese food.
Young people reading these recaps: This scene is full of wrong! Your romantic life is not a choice between people who bore you and people who turn you on but make you crazy. I promise, I promise, I promise. (The prison runs a Scared Straight program. Think of this as a glimpse of the opposite program: Reassured Queer.)
Bennett sternly calls Diaz over for a fake meeting, then pulls her aside for some gentle what the hell. He asks Diaz if there’s a pill she can take, which is maybe an indelicate segue. Also, Nice Bennett, it didn’t occur to you in those weeks of schmoopy lead-up to, oh, I don’t know, PICK UP A FEW CONDOMS? It’s not like Diaz can get them. Way to blow those Nice points.
And, really, did neither of them take a moment to think about the whole sperm-meets-egg thing before they dove in? They are trysting in a place that is literally full of people who can give them pointers on non-penetrative ways to enjoy themselves.
Diaz wants to keep the baby, and Bennett objects that as a CO, he could go to jail as a sex offender. Diaz says they’ll work something out. Criminy, this baby is going to have no planning genes whatsoever.
Mom Diaz drops in to have a family meeting. She wants Bennett to use his injured veteran’s benefits and he admits that he actually lost his lower leg due to a hot tub infection, the medical bills for which have eaten up his savings. Mom Diaz tells him to get saving again.