Breakfast!
Chapman announces that she’s not gay. Which, I realize she’s trying to evade a direct question from Nichols and that that is a technically truthful answer and stuff, but I’m increasingly of the opinion that Chapman is the kind of bisexual who makes life in the LGBT community more challenging for the rest of us.
Anyway, it’s useless, because if there’s one thing you can’t conceal from Nichols (Hiiii, Nichols!), it’s a lesbian affair. Morello is also convinced that Alex and Chapman are up to plenty of good. Nichols asks where Chapman was when she stopped by her cube, and we cut to Chapman chanting “I’m coming! I’m coming!” until Alex takes a moment to whisper “Show, don’t tell.” Hee.
Chapman admits that she and Alex are “spending time” together… As friends. Morello and Nichols are not even a tiny bit fooled. Alex sits down and says her strategically staggered arrival at lunch was due to a long shower line; Nichols points out that her hair is dry. I’m not entirely sure why Alex and Chapman are bothering to keep this a secret, but Morello and Nichols are pretty adorable at the figuring out part, so what the hell.
Bennett’s apartment!
Bennett is working out all buffishly when there is a pounding at the door. Oh, lord, it’s Cesar, the Very Bad Man who has slept with two of the Diaz women. (Well, two that we know of.) He’s jealous and crazy and pissed off and would like to know where Bennett will be putting the crib. Looks like this is the first Bennett has heard of the need for one. Keeping secrets in the prison environment leads to such troublesome etiquette dilemmas.
Rec area!
Chapman and Alex play cards and grabass and take a moment to get all schmoopy with each other. They’re so in lurve. (Psst. Chapman! Still probably a bad idea!) Chapman says it’s weird how comfortable this is, since she’s changed so much. Alex says she hasn’t changed at all. (Warning bells, Chapman!)
Hey, want to know how to ruin a sweet little moment with your secret lover real fast? Wonder out loud why it’s been so long since your fiancé has called. Well done, Chapman. Alex reassures Chapman that she isn’t a terrible person; Alex thinks we do what we need to do to survive. (WARNING BELLS, CHAPMAN!)
Pousséy and Taystee’s other pal come up and pretend to try to start trouble with Alex and Chapman. Whoa, Chapman is toughening up; she’s working on her Fight Face. Well, sort of. It’s a face in progress. But the other’s are just playing. They’re really here to sign up for the Scared Straight program. The inmates are really psyched to make some kids cry.
Crazy Eyes is bummed that this won’t be more of an acting opportunity: She wants to play a great role like Desdemona or Claire Huxtable. (Oh, man, what Claire Huxtable could do for this place. Shipshape and lip-synching blues classics together in six weeks, tops.) The guard says Crazy Eyes can pick any character as long as it’ll scare some kids. I believe a calling has just been found.
Kitchen!
Morello “helps” Red by carving a face into a squash while Red does actual kitchen prep. Morello says her fiancé Christopher is the one who does the real cooking at her place. Mustache dicks in to pick up his “ice cream bars.” Morello, who’s really on top of things today, is pretty sure that’s not ice cream. Tricia is back! She’s clean and hoping to get back into Red’s good graces. No such luck; Red doesn’t truck with drugs or drug users, and Tricia lied to her about being clean for a long time. Tricia’s flashback!
Tricia teaches another girl the art of Zen panhandling-the trick is less effort, not more. Tricia has some food and also an account book. She says she’s going to pay back every debt for every thing she’s temporarily stolen.
Salon!
Miss Claudette has a visitor coming she hasn’t seen in 10 years. Sophia knows what she needs in the way of a touch-up do.
Phones!
Chapman talks to awesome Cal and his awesome girlfriend, who’s taking him to go shoot guns. Cal makes excuses for Larry, saying he’s probably just working with Fake Ira Glass on the show about long-distance relationships. Cal hangs up and Larry immediately emerges from the trailer. Cal tells Larry to call, and Larry, to his credit, doesn’t get into the details of why he hasn’t.
Tricia wanders in just in time for Chapman to be pissed about the fact that Larry will be discussing his feelings about her being in prison on the radio. Oh, poor Tricia-Mercy isn’t taking calls either.
Chapman’s flashback!
Piper helps Polly get ready for her wedding. Past Polly is a little more fun than Present Polly. Polly calls Chapman on the fact that she dates hot girls who make her crazy. a) AHA! So Alex isn’t the only girlfriend Piper’s ever had and b) Yeah, watch that crucial clause about the crazymaking. Polly counsels Piper to find the person who makes her feel safe and knows when to order Chinese food.
Young people reading these recaps: This scene is full of wrong! Your romantic life is not a choice between people who bore you and people who turn you on but make you crazy. I promise, I promise, I promise. (The prison runs a Scared Straight program. Think of this as a glimpse of the opposite program: Reassured Queer.)
Prison yard!
Bennett sternly calls Diaz over for a fake meeting, then pulls her aside for some gentle what the hell. He asks Diaz if there’s a pill she can take, which is maybe an indelicate segue. Also, Nice Bennett, it didn’t occur to you in those weeks of schmoopy lead-up to, oh, I don’t know, PICK UP A FEW CONDOMS? It’s not like Diaz can get them. Way to blow those Nice points.
And, really, did neither of them take a moment to think about the whole sperm-meets-egg thing before they dove in? They are trysting in a place that is literally full of people who can give them pointers on non-penetrative ways to enjoy themselves.
Diaz wants to keep the baby, and Bennett objects that as a CO, he could go to jail as a sex offender. Diaz says they’ll work something out. Criminy, this baby is going to have no planning genes whatsoever.
Mom Diaz drops in to have a family meeting. She wants Bennett to use his injured veteran’s benefits and he admits that he actually lost his lower leg due to a hot tub infection, the medical bills for which have eaten up his savings. Mom Diaz tells him to get saving again. Dorms!
Oh, no. Mustache spots Tricia. She turns down drugs, so Mustache says she can distribute. Mustache says all those blow jobs weren’t real payment for the drugs, and now she owes him. She has to sell a big bag of pills before he’ll call it even. Rec room!
Doggett is preaching. …And trying to faith heal. Her first customer doesn’t seem to be healed in the sense that most of us think of it, but she’s game. Chapman and Alex look on. Watson’s also watching, and much more vocally skeptical. Watson says that if Doggett is so filled with the Holy Spirit, she can heal Watson’s bum knee.
After a little goading, Doggett comes over and lays on hands. Watson looks stunned, then brightens way up and says she’s healed. We all start to worry that this is going to turn into that show, then Watson slides by Alex and Chapman and grins. Some serious messing with Doggett has begun.
Chapman’s flashback!
Larry is chilling at Pete and Polly’s place, plant-sitting, when Piper lets herself in with her key. She just got bitten by a dog and needs some first aid. Turns out she and Larry had been planning on seeing the same band that night. Piper checks out Larry as he blithers a little, makes jokes, and tries to take care of her. Larry advises Piper to take a bath to clean the cut and says he’s going to order Chinese.
Visiting room!
It’s been so long since Claudette’s had a visitor that the guards thought her name on the list was a joke. She walks in, and there is handsome Baptiste. They hug.
Nichols’ cube!
Morello asks Nichols what she thinks of Bora Bora Bora for a honeymoon. She’s pretty sure that third Bora is in there. Morello wonders if Christopher can be persuaded away from Spain when his heart is so set.
Oh, dear, Tricia still hasn’t reached Mercy. Morello tells Nichols that Tricia came by the kitchen to give Red “an olive.” Nichols thinks Red should lighten up since Tricia turned herself in for Red and got more time on her sentence; Morello can see Red’s point because it’s obvious that Tricia’s the one who told Mustache how Red’s operations works. So Morello’s intuition isn’t perfect after all. Morello wonders if Nichols is still mad that they’re not sleeping together anymore. Morello admits that she misses it too, but can’t cheat on Christopher. Uh-oh. Nichols isn’t playing anymore. She calls out the fact that Christopher hasn’t visited Morello since the third week of her sentence and everyone knows it and is just politely playing along. Oh, that was cruel. Morello sads off as a worried and chalky-faced Tricia looks at her account book.
Tricia’s flashback!
Tricia stumbles out of someone’s car. She’s definitely homeless and probably tweaking. Her old pal has a job and a place to live now. Old pal looks OK. She offers Tricia a place to crash. Tricia says no, but she’ll take some leftovers at the park where she’s staying.
Prison yard!
A school bus full of Scared Straight delinquent kids pulls up. The guards are surprised that one girl is in a wheelchair.
Dining hall!
Big Boo approaches Doggett and asks to be cured of her lesbian thoughts so she can better care for Little Boo and maybe have non-gay kids someday. Doggett puts Boo on her knees and asks that she be cleansed of filth. Boo: “Yeah, I’m still seeing filth.” Doggett tries again and Boo says she’ll try picturing the 2008 U.S. Women’s Soccer team. Nothing! Boo begs Doggett to change her back to gay as Doggett walks away in triumph. Boo exchanges sneaky congratulatory fist bumps with Chapman.
Tricia is really not looking good. She asks Nichols to tell Red she’ll make things right.
Mustache announces work detail. The Scared Straight team could not be more excited. Mustache spots Tricia’s messed-up state and locks her in a closet so she won’t alert the entire planet to his drug operation with her increasingly pale face.
Tricia’s flashback!
She’s trying to pay for headphones that she “borrowed” from a store a couple of years ago. When the clerk gets the manager, she pockets a necklace. The manager tells her not to come there anymore. Tricia runs out and catches the attention of a cop.
Scared Straight!
The kids are in prison orange; the inmates are in their most bad-ass poses. Then the inmates all run up and commence with the scaring part. Oh, sweet wonderful Shesus, Crazy Eyes is performing Shakespeare from memory. And she’s damn good. The inmates are having a great time when Bell, the visiting room guard, whispers to Pousséy to go over and scare the girl in the wheelchair. Pousséy does not want that job. She takes a couple of verbal swings, but that kid is a bad-ass and completely throws Pousséy off her scaring game. Holy crap, the kid robbed a liquor store and has her own gang.
Most of the girls are crying, but Bell wants 100% success. She wonders where Tricia is, since it’d be good for the kids to be frightened by someone their own age.
Rec room!
Doggett is healing up a storm and starting to put more flair into it. Chapman says what they’re doing is evil. Alex counters that this is Divine retribution.
Mustache wishes that he could put Doggett’s service on YouTube, and Bennett asks him where Tricia is. Mustache lies his ass right off. Maybe Doggett can heal it back on.
Bathroom!
The scared straight kids are getting a tour of the showers. The inmates try to scare them with the unsanitary conditions, then when Chapman walks in they try to scare them with the threat of prison rape. Goddammit, Bell brings up dropping the soap. I guess she watches The L Word too. Chapman isn’t playing and says she uses body wash. The others swear that Chapman is a stone-cold lesbian who will put them through their paces.
The bad-ass in the chair calls this out as just a put-on. Bell calls Chapman to the side and asks her to help out. For the children.
Closet!
Mustache goes to get Tricia, who is not waking up. The baggie he gave her is empty.
Bathroom!
The inmates show off the doorless stalls. The bad-ass kid in the chair is still not impressed. Bell suggests she spend the night there. Just her… And Chapman. The group heads off, leaving the bad-ass to have lunch with Chapman. Chapman says she’s not even “fully like that,” and Crazy Eyes says “Ha! Little honor to be much believed,” and Crazy Peaces out.
Chapman says she has no interest in scaring Bad-Ass (whose name, it turns out, is Dina), but that she really doesn’t want to end up there. When Chapman puts a friendly hand on Dina’s shoulder, she yells “Don’t touch me, dyke faggot bitch!” That’ll be enough of that. Chapman tells her it’s easy to convince yourself of how tough you are on the outside, but on the inside you find out you’re weak. She also lets Dina in on way too much about her current drug runner girlfriend situation, but adds some important honesty to that. She ends with “It’s the truth who’s going to make you her bitch.”
Chapman walks out and the whole group is standing right around the corner. They are suitably impressed. Pousséy says Chapman is cold and Chapman replies “Bitches gots to learn.” Everyone is uncomfortable again.
Closet!
Mustache hauls Tricia’s body up and wraps an extension cord around her neck, preparing to fake her suicide.
Hallway!
Chapman tells Doggett there’s a soul who needs a miracle in the bathroom. They just left a teenage kid alone in the bathroom?
Scared straight!
The girls do not want to go to prison. The inmates give parting advice, such as clean your room and don’t embezzle.
Bathroom!
Doggett finds Dina. Oh, no. This is really horrible.
The Scared Straight kids are leaving and they hear Dina screaming for help. Doggett is on Dina’s back, trying to heal her against her will. Yikes. Bennett maces Doggett and takes her to the Psych Ward. OK, that’s an interesting comeuppance for Doggett, but that last bit cannot have been the original plan. What was the long game they were working on before?
Bell radios that the tour is over and the kids are getting sent out right now. Nice Fischer tells her not to take the kids through Corridor B. Fischer and Caputo are looking at Tricia’s hanging corpse. Poor Tricia.
Hallway!
A medical team removes Tricia’s body. Nichols comforts a crying Boo. Healy notes that there’s a lot of touching going on, and Caputo tells him to put a lid on it. Healy watches Alex hug Chapman as Mustache oozes away from the scene of his crime.
Red’s lair!
Red gets to a private enough place and starts crying. Nichols comes in and Red says she blames herself: She’d intended to let Tricia back into the family after she’d learned a lesson.
Nichols explains that Tricia overdosed and didn’t really hang herself, but Red knows it’s all suicide. She feels responsible. Nichols confesses to helping Mustache get his drugs inside. Red says she’d sent Tricia to detox hoping an investigation would happen and the drug trafficking would stop. Nichols didn’t know that. She says Red was right not to trust her.
Red trusts Nichols even after the betrayal because she knows Nichols will do what’s right.
Red says it’s down to her and Nichols now. And she wants Mustache taken out. Hell, yeah, we’re all coming back for the next episode. See you then.
