“Once Upon A Time” recap: How to Tase Your Dragon (2.18)

 
 

Present-day August is 100% wood, but now he can move around and talk and I kind of wish he couldn’t because I’m definitely going to have nightmares about him. Our pal Pinocchio is having a full-fledged mope-fest himself, and Snow finally sees how pathetic she must have been for the past few episodes. He begs her to forget she saw him and to not mention it to anyone, but Mary Margaret is a regular Gladys Witham and when she sees a problem that needs a-fixin’, she just can’t NOT.

Emma takes Henry to Neal’s even though last time she left them unsupervised, he lost the kid. Also, why doesn’t Regina also get visitation rights? Sure, he didn’t kill Emma’s ex-boyfriend, but he did leave her to rot in jail.

Anyway, Neal has some bad news and some awkward news. Bad news is, Hook’s not in the basement anymore. Emma does not give a hoot; she’s over Captain Eyeliner and his smarmy ways. Awkward news is, Tamara is on his way. Emma freaks the freak out. Emma tells him to come clean to his fiancé about who he is and where he’s from as if it didn’t take her a whole season of living in Storybrooke to believe, herself.

At the most uncomfortable family breakfast, Tamara tells them about her and Neal’s meet-cute while Emma listens with as much feigned interest as she can muster whilst sitting like a lady.

On the way out, Henry leaves his book with his new daddy to help him tell his tale to his lady love. He literally says, “I’m from the Enchanted Forest.” Which, way to ease her into it.

Tamara starts fuming like she thinks Neal is making things up to push her away. She apparently didn’t notice Emma’s Lesbian Slouch, so she says she feels all kinds of threatened and storms out.

Back in time, still in Hong Kong, August is taken to The Dragon’s waiting room and who else is there but lil ol’ Tamara. I knew she was trouble when she walked in.

Present day, Snow barges into the diner and does the one thing August told her not to do – proclaims to all the world that August is alive, though puppetized. After loudly stating his exact coordinates, she runs off to find the Blue Fairy, with Emma and Geppetto in tow. Guess who was eavesdropping.

TAMARA SHADY

And, let’s be honest, Stranger Greg probably has the whole thing up on YouTube by now.

The Dragon (who, by the way, is definitely not my khaleesi) knows Pinocchio and says he can help — but only if he hands over his last puppet string. He also wants $10,000 which seems a little steep for something the Blue Fairy did for free.

Speaking of the Blue Fairy, she’s taking her Mother Superior role very seriously and spouting all kinds of wisdom about being selfless and paths to redemption. Snow is desperate to help August, because if a puppet with poor decision-making skills can’t get a second chance, what hope does a girl with a blackened heart have?

In a bar near The Dragon’s cave, Tamara invites August to join her for a drink. She was visiting The Dragon because she has a rare, incurable form of cancer that requires a magical miracle to heal. It’s unclear whether she knows there’s actual magic involved or not, but no matter, she has an envelope just teeming with cash money to give The Dragon. She decides that the man she met in the seedy hallway of a black-market voodoo doctor would be a good person to keep an eye on said envelope while she stepped away to take a phone call.

Little did she know, after the leg and the brain, August’s heart had turned to wood, so HE STOLE HER MONEY. She was already living on borrowed time and he just STOLE MORE OF IT. I don’t even know if I WANT him to get redemption anymore. I’m kind of rooting for Regina to craft him into a bench. And then sit on it. With Emma.

Eh hem. Sorry.

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