“Once Upon A Time” recap: Get Off My Porch (2.17)

THE PAST

Regina’s doing a pretty decent job of trying to blend in, but she can’t make a very good lasagna (yet) and she adorably doesn’t know who The Boss is when the Strangers come over for a farewell dinner. Owen’s bordering between being an adorable kid with no filter and a brat, asking questions like “Why aren’t you a mom?”. Regina likes his forwardness, though, and is absolutely precious with him. In fact, if you think about the actual timeline of all the worlds, this is probably the first time Regina has been genuinely kind to anyone since Rumpelstiltskin taught her to rip out hearts.

After they finish making dessert, Regina decides to ask the Stranger Duo to pick up and leave their lives and stick around Storybrooke for a while. Kurt, being an adult from the real world, turns down the invitation. A typical alpha, Regina doesn’t handle the rejection well.

PRESENT DAY

At the diner, Ruby is wearing red leather pants. I think Neal and Henry are talking about something but Ruby is wearing RED. LEATHER. PANTS.

Emma walks up to the table to find out that Neal already lost Henry. He was too busy patting himself on the back for successfully bribing a twelve-year-old with an ice cream sundae to notice that Henry took his backpack with him “to the bathroom”. As predicted, he’s not in the bathroom, but instead is running through the forest, his trademark scarf flapping in the wind.

Across town, Regina magics her way into the Charming Loft and finds a defeated Mary Margaret, still curled up in bed. She heads towards her with one hand ungloved and ready for heart-ripping, but Gold steps in at the eleventh hour. In true villain fashion, she promises they haven’t seen the last of her.

THE PAST

Regina finds GusGus the mechanic and asks him to stall the Strangers leaving town, but he tells her that they already left. She rushes back to her office and takes Sheriff Graham’s heart out and starts talking into it, speaking instructions as if it’s a Nextel. Stranger Dad overhears and is totally weirded out. I don’t even think wireless phones existed yet back then, let alone human organ communication devices.

Kurt decides this would be a good time to make like a tree and get the hell out of town, and just barely escapes the Sheriff trying to cuff him for drunk driving, like he had been instructed, even though it clearly made no sense.

PRESENT DAY

Stranger Greg runs into Henry (literally) in the woods and claims to be hiking, even though he’s wearing loafers. Henry tells him he’s trying to get a boy scout badge and scurries off without a second thought. As soon as he’s out of sight, Greg calls Regina to let her know that her boy is running around by himself and she says she’s on her way.

Across town in the mines, Ruby is leading the pack, sniffing out Henry, who I imagine smells like mischief and disobedience.

Team Charming (minus Snow) realizes that some dynamite is missing, and that Henry is probably going to try to blow up the town because he mentioned wanting to get rid of magic. And they think they might know where he’d go to try.

Regina figures it out first, however, and finds Henry at the well. With the wave of a hand, she magically stops him from blowing himself up. Unlike Emma, who has been coddling him ever since she decided to start calling him her son again, Regina is brutally honest with Henry, admitting the curse is for him and that she can’t get rid of magic.

Team Charming shows up and Emma shouts for Regina to get away from her son but Regina yells back that he’s hers. I try to explain that they can all just live as one happy family but no one listens to me.

They resort to their usual chests-puffed-out stand off, throwing in a cliched, “If you want to get to Mary Margaret, you have to go through us.” Regina literally laughs in their faces and informs them that won’t be a problem.

Henry begs Regina to get rid of magic. She says no, she says that she can’t, but she does get rid of the potion with the magic fireball she’d been sporting.

Then there’s a moment where it’s almost like Henry is a puppy and Regina and Emma are on either side of the room, saying “Here, boy!” and seeing who he comes to. For a second it seems like he’s going to go to Regina, but he eventually chooses Emma and that gang instead. However, Regina seemed to get a tiny spark of hope that maybe she can still win him back someday after all.

THE PAST

Graham and Regina begin a high-speed chase around Storybrooke, going after Stranger Dad and Little Owen. The Mayor catches them at the town line and Kurt sends his son running into the woods. Regina tries to get Owen to stay, but he doesn’t want to, not anymore. Not like this. She lets him run off, but she still has his dad in the back of his car.

Little Owen finds the police and leads them to the Storybrooke town line…at least where he thought it was. But now there’s nothing there,. He shouts into the ether that he’ll never stop looking for his dad, and Regina stands on the other side of the invisible barrier, a single tear falling for the little boy she befriended and lost in the matter of a week.

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