Previously on Once Upon A Time, the Charming Family wants to go back to the Enchanted Forest and the Shady Duo found Hook and brought him back to Storybrooke, and Ruby disappeared into thin air.
We open on Tamara and Stranger Greg, who have Captain Eyeliner captive in the clocktower. He’s all cocky because he thinks he killed Rumplestiltskin, so when they show him Gold and Lacey traipsing about, he is FURIOUS. The evil duo tell the evil pirate that they’ll help him kill The Dark One if he’ll help Stranger Greg find his father.
Flash back to Regina in all her Evil Queen glory, decked out in the sexiest riding garb ever, and on the hunt for Snow White.
When all she finds is an empty cottage, she rounds up the villagers and tells them how horrible Snow White is and that anyone who helps the Queen and her Queensguard find the little minx will be rewarded. When no one steps forward to help her, she orders her knights to kill each and every one of the villagers.
Apparently no one is playing Sheriff in Storybrooke anymore, because no one has noticed the guy Gold beat to a bloody pulp in the parking lot. So, Mary Margaret and David are just hanging out by the docks. Mary Margaret brings up their potential move to the Enchanted Forest and she says she doesn’t want to leave Regina behind. She uses the Henry card, but I think she’s looking out for Emma. Charming says he’d rather not, but agrees to give her a choice – Regina can go to the Enchanted Forest with them, but stay in Rumple’s cell, OR stay in Storybrooke and never see Henry again. Regina was (awesomely) disguised as a fisherman and overheard the whole thing and is NOT having this plan.
Back in the day in the Enchanted Forest, Evil Queen Regina goes to Rumplestiltskin for help. She actually says the actual words, ‘When Snow is dead, then they will see my kindness,’ which makes me feel like maybe it’s not that Regina is incapable of being good as much as no one really taught her what the definition of “good” is or that it generally starts with “don’t kill people”.
While I’m contemplating this, Regina throws out her arms and says “put it on me” and I say OK – oh, she was talking about spells. She wants Rumple to put a glamour on her so she can find Snow White undetected. Right.
Rumple complies and turns her into a peasant girl, who Regina hilariously dubs “as regal as a potato.” Fortunately for us gentleviewers, we don’t have to look at the potato, we get to see the ever-stunning Regina. (The peasant glamour is a beautiful potato, but I doubt anyone could emote with their eyes quite as well as our Queen.)
Potato Regina goes to the fair and sees the commonfolk playing a game called “kill the evil queen.” She tells them this game is treason, but the peasants don’t care because they want Snow White to be their queen. Regina fails so hard at being a peasant that gets herself arrested almost immediately, all while trying to defend her own honor.
In Storybrooke, Regina goes to visit Henry and shows him the secret magic beans she pilfered from his grandparents. She says she doesn’t want to be the Evil Queen anymore, she wants to be the hero. Henry’s ears perk up and his tail starts wagging. His mother explains that the curse has a self-destruct button of sorts. Thanks to her stolen lentils, Regina’s new plan is to kill everyone in Storybrooke except her and Henry.
When this plan is not Henry’s favorite thing, Regina erases his memory and starts over, switching the topic from mass murder to birdhouses.
Not long after Regina leaves Henry, Captain Hook staggers into the Mayor’s office. He tells Regina Tamara and Stranger Greg’s plan and says that he, Regina and Cora should reform their Triangle of Terror. Regina tells him that Cora was killed and he seems genuinely upset about it. Regina shows Hook her beans (not a euphemism) and says that he can be in on her plan. So now Hook is on the Good Ship Get-Out-of-Dodge with her and Henry, but Rumpelstiltskin is decidedly not.
Across town, Emma runs into Tamara at the diner – literally. She was probably not watching where she was going because she was too busy frantically scanning the room for Ruby. Or maybe that was just me. When Emma bends down to help Tamara gather her things, she notices that she has a cheat sheet in 48-point font of everyone’s Storybrooke and Fairytale identities.
Emma takes this moment to relay the importance of keeping Storybrooke a secret, but Tamara assures Emma that she can trust her. From the “I-don’t-believe-you” expression she’s wearing, it seems as though Emma’s lie detector skill actually worked for the first time since she got to Storybrooke.
However, when she relays this new suspicion to her mother, Mary Margaret speaks with the voice of the fandom and says, “Your superpower has been known to be unreliable.” She warns her that this might be coming from a place of dormant jealousy and that she should be careful not to get Henry’s hopes up about her and Neal getting back together. Probably because she’s sure Regina and Emma will work things out soon. Just a hunch.
Of course, since he does nothing but eavesdrop and whine, Henry heard everything and wants to re-kick off Operation Cobra to investigate Tamara.
Back in a village of the Enchanted forest, Peasant Regina is about to get beheaded and calls for Rumpelstiltskin, but before he can get there, she is saved by a cloaked archer – who turns out to be Snow White, back when she was at the height of her badassery.
The next morning, Regina awakens with Snow White by her side, feverish from their night of passion. Or possibly from the flesh wound she suffered. Potato potahto. Anyway, Regina plays the part of Peasant Girl a little better this time and says her name is Wilma and listens as Snow explains to the Potato Queen why she would save a total stranger, all stemming from the time Young Regina saved Little Snow.
In present-day Storybrooke, Hook and Regina go down below the basement of the library into the dragon caves. Regina pushes Hook over the edge because she’s over his smarm and needs him to be a distraction for Malificent while she gets the trigger. But Malificent isn’t a witch or a dragon this time…no, she’s a skeletal, screeching, zombie-type thing and it is NOT cute.
While Hook deals with that, Regina reaches into a glass coffin and pulls out a black stone, presumably the trigger that will destroy Storybrooke.
On the other side of town, Henry and Emma are having a stakeout, being about as stealthy as ninjas in tap shoes. Henry says he thought they’d all be in the Enchanted Forest by now, so Emma goes, “not that there’s a way, but if there WAS a way, which there definitely isn’t, but IF there was, would you really want to go?” Even Henry can tell when Emma is lying. And Henry is the worst. Proving, logically, that Emma is literally the worst liar.
At Neal and Tamara’s place, Emma uses her skills from her days as a bounty hunter (also known as walking) to find a loose floorboard, but before she can check it out, Neal comes home. Luckily he already knew Emma was a little loco in the cabeza so he helps her open the floorboard with the promise that if there’s nothing there, she backs off. There was nothing there. So she backed off. For now.
Thanks to a little thigh action (wound-tending, get your wanky minds out of the gutter), Peasant Regina is better and Snow says it’s time to move on, so she hands Regina a sword and they march along. Regina considers stabbing her right then and there, but decides to ask questions instead. At first, Snow says she wouldn’t kill Regina, that she feels sad for her, that she knows there’s good inside the Evil Queen but that it’s being masked by pain. Regina asks if she thinks it’s too late for the queen, and Snow says she doesn’t think it’s too late for anyone. That is, until she sees the entire village of dead people.
Snow figures out that it’s Regina beneath the potato sack and trains an arrow on her. Regina insists that there is good in her, just like Snow had said, but the archeress has changed her tune, considering how many dead people are within a stone’s throw. Regina calls for Rumplestiltskin again but apparently he’s Beetlejuice-ing her because he doesn’t show up for a second time. Regina runs away and Snow’s too good to kill her, so she gets away.
Flash forward to Storybrooke. Regina emerges from the bowels of the library to find Hook waiting with his two new cronies. She is shocked to see Hook still alive, and he retorts with ‘the one thing I excel at is surviving’ and I think he’s selling himself a little short – he also has superb eyeliner skills and is really great at falling down. Regina goes to finish the job, but Tamara and Stranger Greg have somehow stripped her of her powers. As it turns out, Hook had tricked Regina into asking for her mother’s wrist cuff, and the cuff is full of metal? And stuff? So she can’t use her magic now. Because, science. They throw a bag over her perfect head and tote her off, smug looks on their annoying faces.
Over at the Charming Loft, Emma sexily eats ice cream. There is nothing really to talk about here, I just wanted to include this:
Meanwhile, across town, the Charmings and Grumpy go to the bean fields to find them all destroyed. Mary Margaret’s innocence is bordering on stupidity at this point as she asks, “Who could have done this?”
Back in the Enchanted Forest, Potato Regina storms into Rumplestiltskin’s castle, demanding to be changed back. She has finally learned what The Dark One has been trying to tell her all along. She says, “They’ll never love me.”
Next week, we’re OFF TO NEVERLAND!
What did you think of “The Evil Queen”?
Here are some of our favorite tweets from this week:
No need to duck Emma. You’re in the only yellow Volkswagen in town. They know its you.#OUAT #SwanQueen
– GMonster320 (@GMonster320) April 29, 2013
I appreciate everyone calling Emma out on her superpower that isn’t a superpower #SwanQueen
– Bangie McD (@DebatingDykes) April 29, 2013
Does…she have…a riding crop?? #OUAT #SwanQueen
– Just Heather (@iaskedalice) April 29, 2013
Somebody from another forest, eh? Maybe a hot brunette in a red cloak? #RedSnow #SwanQueen
– Marie (@buknerd) April 29, 2013
I always like a good ice cream sundae after teaching my son how to break and enter. #SwanQueen #OUAT
– Xan (@Xanadugrrl) April 29, 2013
I giggle the way Rumple does when Regina makes that face. #SwanQueen
– Marie (@buknerd) April 29, 2013
Regina seems like a smart woman and yet this whole disguise spell seems to be a little lost on her. #SwanQueen #OUAT
– Maggie Rose (@margaretrosey) April 29, 2013
Is that Maleficent? *claps hands like crazy Lauren Lewis* #ThisIsGonnaBeGood #SwanQueen
– Marie (@buknerd) April 29, 2013
So….no one notices three creepers in the TALLEST BUILDING in town? #SwanQueen #OUAT
– Xan (@Xanadugrrl) April 29, 2013
The ‘good guys’ to ‘bad guys’ ratio on this show is starting to become overwhelming. #SwanQueen
– Chen Drachman (@shokoshik) April 28, 2013
