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“Once Upon A Time” recap (4.3): We All Scream for Ice Cream

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Emma went back in time and returned with two stowaways, Elsa and Marion, which is wreaking havoc on Storybrooke. Also, Rumpelstiltskin is the Dark One again, Mary Margaret somehow got elected mayor, and there’s still no sign of nor word from Ruby, Mulan, or Aurora.

We open on Robin Hood and Roland giving Marian a tour of Storybrooke. Roland says that his favorite thing is ice cream, and that he’d like some right now please. When it seemed like his parents might be hesitant to the idea, he says Regina always let him get ice cream, which sends Robin into a guilt-panic that leads them to the ice cream shop.

There they meet Madame Scoops. At least, that’s what I’m calling her for now, because no matter how many people she met or names she learned, she never once told them what to call her, and I have no proof that she is the queen of anything. Since this is Marian’s first foray into the magical world of frozen treats, Madame Scoops offers her a cone on the house, complete with cyanide sprinkles. She smiles sweetly at them and says their happy family warms her heart in a way that makes me feel like she means the sight of them stirs icy blue fires of hatred within her. Meanwhile, Emma leads Elsa and Hook to Gold’s Shop, where they demand answers. Elsa doesn’t remember how she got into the urn, and Rumple feigns ignorance about the whole ordeal. Emma warns him that she has a superpower that will let her know when she’s being lied to. Just like she knew right away that she was dating a flying monkey that one time.

To prove he’s not lying, he tells Belle to use the Dark One’s dagger on him to force him to tell the truth. Belle doesn’t like the idea, but hasn’t had much to do by way of plot since she married Rumple, so she finally agrees. After she commands him to tell the truth, he repeats that he knows nothing, and they all go on in search of a new source of answers.

Flash back to Elsa pacing around her castle in Arendelle, worrying about her sister. Kristoff tries to calm her down, and uses words Anna gave him to convince Elsa that her kingdom needs her more than Anna does right now. Elsa gets that Kristoff is trying to help, but is finding him rather irritating, in the way only someone dating your sibling can be. A guard interrupts and tells them that scouts noticed an army nearby planning an attack, and Elsa sends the Ice Master away. In present-day Storybrooke, Mary Margaret is taking what I thought to be a very random and unofficial attribution of authority very seriously, and is holding a “fireside chat” in the office formerly known as Regina’s. She tries to go by an itinerary, but Grumpy starts raging and everyone starts following in his hysterical footsteps, when a lock of Marian’s hair turns white and she collapses.

Over at Granny’s, Regina brings Henry some comic books, all ponytail and vest and smiles. She picks up one that says “SHIELD” on it and presumably ogles Agent May for a second before asking Henry about his storybook and who he thinks wrote it. He knows this isn’t the type of thing she’d just be casually curious about, so he asks her what gives. She confesses that she has a plan: to find the author of this story, this weaver of fates, and ask for a happy ending. Henry surprises her by being totally on board because he knows she’s been misrepresented in the plot and deserves a happy ending (and maybe a girlfriend). She decides to call this Operation Mongoose. At first I thought this was completely arbitrary, but in my research (aka my skimming of a Wikipedia article) I found out that they’re particularly good at defeating snakes. Specifically cobras. I see what you did there, Regina.

While Regina is basking in the glow of her son wanting to help her and her clever Operation naming skills, Robin Hood bursts through the door in a panic, needing Regina’s help to save Marian. When she gets to her old office, she tells Robin that the magic affecting Marian is strong, and she doesn’t think she can stop it, but maybe she can slow it down.

Emma and Elsa come in and Regina snaps at poor, sweet Elsa, who promises she had nothing to do with this. Regina says that’s a likely story, but Emma is quick to jump to her defense; she might not be able to trust Elsa, but she can trust Emma. Though this wasn’t her doing, Elsa does recognize this magic as being very similar to what happened to her sister, so she suggests an act of true love. Regina automatically says, “True love’s kiss” because that’s the world that they’ve been operating in thus far, but Elsa never said anything about a kiss. Still, they try it, but Robin’s kiss doesn’t so much as begin to thaw Marian out.

Emma starts to head out to find whoever is causing icy mayhem, and Regina quips at her, telling her not to get herself killed. Emma asks her what the hell that’s supposed to mean, and Regina says that it’s just that lately Emma’s been needed to be saved a lot, and and Mary Margaret’s pretty useless, and Belle has been knocked down a few pegs, and no one’s seen Ruby in ages, so the Strong Female Character quotient has decreased dramatically, so could she please step it the hell up, because Regina is sick of pulling all the weight around here. Emma tells her she’s just bitter and taking it out on her, which is the most relationshippy thing she’s ever said to Regina, I think. Hook tries to come with Emma to do some of the aforementioned saving, but it’s officially a hot button topic with her, so she sends him off with Elsa, telling him to take her to the sheriff’s station because presumably that’s safer than right here with the most powerful person they know, even though at least two people I can think of off the top of my head have died there.

Flash back to Kristoff disobeying Elsa’s orders to stay out of it and spying on Hans and his army. His army mostly consists of his brothers, who mock him for his bravado, considering he had to leave Arendelle with his tail between his legs last time he tried to become king. Hans isn’t worried about their teasing though, because he has an urn now, specifically designed to capture magical creatures.

Kristoff takes this news back to Elsa in her war room, but she still wants to avoid war at all costs. Kristoff says he knows a shortcut to where they are, all he needs is a few soldiers, but she offers him something better: herself. Despite the negative aspects of it, Elsa found a glimmer of hope in the news of the urn: This means she’s not the only person like her. She’s not a singular weirdo freak alone in the world, she’s just different; people like her exist, they’re just a rarity…a minority, even. She tells Kristoff that he should understand, having been raised by rock trolls, but it never really occurred to him that he was different. I mean, his best friend is a reindeer. Before they can explore that further, Elsa almost walks directly off a cliff. When she realizes the challenge they face, she puts on the ACTUAL CUTEST smile, gets her magic-hands ready, and asks Kristoff if he would prefer a slide or a staircase. Sadly, instead of clapping his hands and choosing slide like I would have done, he points out that it would be like handing Hans a one-way ticket to murderville, so they just rappel down like normal, boring, non-magical people.

Across town, Elsa tells Hook that she’s done hiding; she doesn’t want to go to the sheriff’s office, she wants to find out who else has magic like hers. Lucky for her, Hook tells her he wasn’t taking her to the sheriff’s office anyway. Instead, he leads her to Gold’s shop, where Hook blackmails Rumple into helping them, since Hook knows that Belle’s dagger is a fake and since he is often the only one paying attention to anything around these parts. Elsa conveniently had a lock of Marian’s frozen hair, so Rumple does a spell that surely would have come in handy before this very moment, and the hair turns into a tiny flurry of snowflakes they can follow to the spell caster. In Storybrooke forest, Emma and David look for an ice slug trail like the one Elsa had left behind, but instead find a tent with someone inside. Out pops the Knave from Once Upon A Time in Wonderland, who promptly runs away. Emma gives chase but trips over a root so that her father can save her for once in his otherwise useless Storybrooke existence. The knave fesses up to being Will Scarlet, ex-Merry Man and present-day thief. He tells them that while he was looting during the blackout, he noticed that everything in the ice cream shop was remarkably frozen for a store without power.

In the mayor’s office, Regina tells Robin that she can tell the magic is creeping toward Marian’s heart, and that she has an idea, but it would require his trust. She tells him that her plan is something “drastic” and definitely not something that was done about once an episode for two full seasons, nor something that was ever done to her with his complete knowledge.

Over at the ice cream shop, Emma, David and Will break in. They find everything supernaturally frozen over and realize exactly who they’re looking for. Will takes their moment of wonderment as a chance to clean out the cash register and flee. Emma tries to go after him, but the only trace of him is his voice floating back from a distance singing, “Being a plot device never bothered me anyway.”

Emma starts to freak out and David asks what’s wrong with her and she confesses that she can’t get Regina out of her head. Again, still, who knows anymore. She’s worried about not being able to save anyone, but David tells her to just have faith. In the woods, Hook complains that they have to follow the two things he dislikes most: snow and magic. Elsa says that snow isn’t bad, and that he obviously doesn’t hate magic too much since he’s got googly eyes for Emma. He tries to deny it, but she tells him to try to see around his giant ego and realizes that it’s not about him, but about Emma, which she knows because she and Emma have a lot in common.

Flash back to Elsa and Kristoff finding the urn that can contain magical beings. Elsa does the only logical thing you would do to something that is specifically designed to hurt you and PICKS IT UP. Before Kristoff can convince her to destroy it, Hans and his brothers show up. Eventually Hans gets Kristoff at swordpoint and Elsa decides to relinquish the urn to spare him.

In present-day Storybrooke forest, Hook and Elsa find Madame Scoops making magic in the woods. Hook pulls out a cell phone and pushes the Emma button, but gets no answer, so he leaves a message. Elsa keeps almost getting caught by Madame Scoops because she’s like a baby gay in her first lesbian bar, standing so close to someone so much like her.

Flash back to Elsa in the cave, telling Kristoff to save Arendelle, to save Anna, once she’s in the urn. Hans soliloquies about Elsa being a monster while he opens the urn, but the trail of silver goo he thought was going to encase Elsa ends up taking a form of its own. Then Madame Scoops appears, boobs first. Madame Scoops freezes Hans and his brothers run for the hills. Elsa is surprised this strange woman saved her, but she says that no one should be trapped in the urn. She asks about Kristoff, but Elsa declares him a friend and spares him.

Present-day Hook and Elsa start to sneak off, but Madame Scoops has other plans. She freezes Hook to his spot and tells Elsa they have to catch up, even though Elsa has no memory of her. Scoops tells her that the rock trolls removed some of her memories, claiming they were too painful for her to keep. She also claims Anna grew to fear Elsa, and it was in fact her own sister that banished her to that urn. Madame Scoops creates icicles above Hook’s head, and Elsa tries to stop her, but her magic has been neutralized. Scoops tells Elsa she’s doing this for her own good, to prove her friends would eventually turn on her because of her magic. To which I argue: They would turn on anyone who hurt their friends. Magically or otherwise. They would NOT turn on someone just because they had magic (since mostly everyone in Storybrooke does anyway) but only if they used said magic to harm someone. And even then, they’re capable of forgiveness. This is the fury of a woman scorned.

Emma runs in and interrupts by shouting, “Hey, Dairy Queen!” which is definitely her best line ever. Caught off guard, Madame Scoops says, “Emma?” with definite recognition. When Emma calls her on this, she simply claims that her reputation precedes her. When it’s clear Scoops isn’t going to come quietly, Emma magics her away from Elsa, and then saves David and Hook, who were basically just cuddling together for warmth. Emma didn’t even have to use her magic face.

Flash back to the first time Elsa met Madame Scoops, where they giggle and share stories about bringing snowmen to life and making magic palaces. A portrait of Elsa’s parents elicits a confession from Scoops: Elsa’s mother was her sister. Elsa says that her mother never mentioned anything about a sister, but Auntie Scoops says it was probably to spare her the pain. She was trapped in the urn long ago by people who feared magic, and just can’t wait to see her darling sister again. When Elsa says that she’s lost at sea, Auntie doesn’t skip a beat, but instead tries to sympathize about as well as any sociopath mimicking human emotions. Somehow comforted by this woman who not only is claiming to be her aunt with not even so much as anecdotal evidence, but who also HASN’T TOLD ANYONE HER NAME YET, Elsa confesses that she’s worried about her sister, Anna. Auntie Scoops promises that she’ll help. Present-day Emma doesn’t buy Scoops’ line about her reputation, and thinks there must be more to the story. She scolds Hook for not listening to her when she said to stay put, then checks on Elsa, promising to help her find Anna. Emma then calls Scoops the “Snow Queen” though what we think she’s the ruler of, I do not know. Emma points out that Elsa came back from the past with her via time portal, but Scoops was already here; and likely not from one of Regina’s curses.

In the mayor’s office, Hood tells Regina that he still loves her, right there in front of his frozen, dying wife. Henry shows up with a box from Regina’s vault, and Regina goes ahead and removes Marian’s heart. Though why Regina waits for the box to remove the heart, since time was of the essence, is beyond me. Didn’t she bury her own heart in the ground once?

Outside Granny’s diner, Hook tries to hit on Emma, but she’s, and I quote, “not in the mood for a drink or a man.” She’s about to hop into her buggy and (presumably) drive off to be with Regina, but Captain Guyliner sinks his hook into her (quite literally) and they kiss in the middle of the street.

Madame Scoops is still wandering around the forest when she runs into Rumpelstiltskin, who asks her if Emma remembered her, and if Scoops is ready to ask for his help. She assures him that she’ll reach out when she’s ready to make a deal, and he says he’ll be waiting by oh so patiently for that moment to come. Next week, Anna and Rumpelstiltskin go head to head, also Hook might get his hand back? Though I’d rather have Ruby back, if we’re going to be returning lost things.

What did you think of “Rocky Road?”

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

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