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“Once Upon A Time” recap (4.1): Conceal, don’t feel

Welcome to Season 4 of Once Upon A Time! The bad news is, with the absence of Mulan, Aurora, and Ruby, and the persistence of Robin Hood and Captain Hook, this season seems straighter than ever. The good news is, Disney seems to have thrown a lot of extra money into the show’s CGI budget, lest they tarnish Frozen‘s reputation, so the first episode of Season 4 is visually stunning. Plus, Emma and Regina have just as much sexual tension as ever, and that’s really why we’re here, right? So, without further ado, the season premiere.

Previously on Once Upon a Time, we spent an entire lifetime in Neverland, where the sun never came out, the boys were body-snatching old men, and only a little mermaid could come and go. Then we got out of Neverland but Henry and Peter Pan had swapped bodies, threatening make Henry more interesting than usual. After they solved that problem, a new one fell on their heads like a house after a tornado in the form of a very attractive wicked witch named Zelena who gave Regina a run for her money as the evilest in all the land. Regina stopped her by channeling her white magic and was going to spare her for heroism’s sake, but Rumplestiltskin killed her dead since he’s the Dark One again, kinda. Zelena left behind a time portal, which Emma and Hook fell into, where they managed to get into mischief and returned with Maid Marian, and a whole new mess of trouble.

But before we dive back into the trouble Emma and Hook caused, we go to a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away, on a ship that could have asked for better weather. On board, a woman runs into a room and, despite being aggressively rained on, manages to write a letter. A man finds her and tells her that they’re pretty much doomed, but she says she has to try to get this letter back home. “Anna and Elsa must know the truth,” she says. Then the King and Queen of Arendelle take a one-way trip to tour Davy Jones’ Locker.

Five years later, Elsa and Anna visit their parents’ graves on the rolling hills of Arendelle. They tell each other that their parents would be proud and Elsa tells Anna she has a surprise for her. I don’t know who directs the siblings on this show to speak with their faces so close together, but when two crazy-attractive ladies I know to not really be related in real life get in each other’s breathspace, I can’t help but want them to kiss. Flash forward to present-day, where Elsa wanders out of the barn into which she appeared and into Storybrooke, leaving a trail of ice in her wake.

Across town, Regina storms out of Granny’s, still shaken by Marian’s return, and Emma follows close behind. Immediately, she apologizes. Emma looks at Regina with remorse and tells her that she didn’t mean to cause her pain. She just needed to get her competition out of the way. Regina’s most upset because this woman, this Marian, sees her as the Evil Queen, the person Regina has worked so hard to change. Emma swears she was just trying to help, but Regina thinks maybe she should just stop.

They are interrupted by Robin Hood, who brings Marian out to meet Regina, the new Regina, but Marian isn’t having any of it. Regina is a monster and nothing her husband can say will make her think otherwise. Regina, to her credit, resists setting the frantic woman on fire and simply walks away.

Emma tries to go after Regina again, but Hook stops her. Henry is worried; he says Regina has come too far to become evil again. Surely the writers wouldn’t undo all her hard work! Emma sure hopes he is right, as do we all.

Grumpy and Sleepy leave the party, and since someone decided to put the narcoleptic dwarf on Designated Driver duty, they end up careening toward the wandering Elsa, who instinctively throws up her hands, effectively freezing the dwarves’ truck, stopping it from turning her into crushed ice. She looks at what she did what looks like a combination of fear and awe at her own power. Elsa walks into town (all night? It’s morning now?) and a motorcycle startles her, making her fists turn to ice. She tries not to let it show and heads towards a dress shop.

Flash back to Arendelle, where Elsa guides Anna up to an attic and presents her with their mother’s wedding dress and a snowflake necklace. Something borrowed, something new. Anna rambles about the many ways in which she could ruin the dress when Elsa finds something that makes it start to snow in the attic.

What Elsa found was a diary, and even though it was written in Webdings, she could read it. And what she read made her feel like their parents’ death was her fault.

In present-day Storybrooke, Robin Hood shows up to Regina’s office and apologizes for Marian’s outburst. He tells her that he knows she’s good now, and there’s no going back, the past is in the past. Then officially breaks up with her. She plays it cool until he leaves, which is when she starts breaking things. But in that pile of brokenness, she finds a shard of hope. Well, a shard of glass. But it gives her an idea.

Regina walks purposefully to a place similar to where she kept Lacey/Belle all those years, and opens up a cell to reveal Sidney Glass. She tells him she needs her mirror because someone is getting between her and her happiness, and he looks happy to serve his liege once again. Even though she probably should have released him as soon as she started on the hero track. We’ll cut her some slack since she’s a beginner good guy.

Somewhere far away from anything yet to be relevant, Belle leads Mr. Gold to an empty mansion she wants to “borrow” for their honeymoon. Now, I say ’empty’ but I just mean ‘does not currently have a living person in it’ not ‘abandoned’ or even ‘unfurnished.’ Why she thinks the owners of all the stuff in the house wouldn’t come back while they were in the middle of consummating their marriage is beyond me, but it doesn’t seem to phase Rumple very much, so in they go.

While Belle is gushing about their happily ever after, Rumple gives her the Zach Morris time-out and, while she’s frozen, switches the daggers. He told Neal’s headstone that he was going to do right by Belle, and not let the allure of the Dark One ruin his chance at love like it had with him and Baelfire, and this is the first step into making it right. After he unfreezes Belle and starts to follow her on the tour of this house they’re squatting in, he notices what looks like a tiny barrel of stars.

He shrugs it off for now and follows Belle into some sort of library/ballroom combo. Proving he’s not as unaware of the pop-culture versions of his fairytale as his storybook peers, he magics them right into a scene from Beauty and the Beast, complete with “Tale As Old As Time” playing on the record player.

Meanwhile, Emma can’t get in touch with Regina, though not for lack of trying. Henry offers to try calling, since maybe Regina doesn’t want to talk to the one person who sees through her tough exterior. Grumpy runs up and tells Emma that him and Sleepy just got out of an ice prison inflicted upon them by MAGIC. And though fire is usually Regina’s weapon of choice, Emma’s mind flickers there for a moment.

Back in time and space, in Arendelle, Anna finds Elsa and asks her to elaborate on the whole diary fiasco. Elsa says their parents thought she was a monster and that’s why they left, but Anna insists that can’t be the case. After all, she’s NOT a monster. She offers to take Elsa to her “future in-laws” for help and they run off to find the trolls. Grand Pabbie wakes up and tells them that he doesn’t know why their parents left, but he does know they didn’t go where they said they were going; they went instead to Mist Haven. Anna offers to go see what’s out there, but Elsa says it’s way too dangerous, and she already lost the rest of her family that way.

In Storybrooke, Hook and Emma follow the trail of ice into the shed where Elsa was hiding. Cornered and afraid, Elsa conjures up Marshmallow. Emma tries to reason with the giant snow monster, but when that doesn’t work, she and Hook run away. Grumpy starts yelling about the evil snowman, which causes the townspeople to panic and Emma to roll her eyes.

Emma thinks it’s curious that, instead of further attacking them, the snowman runs into the forest, so she sets off after it.

All cleaned up and no longer looking like a prisoner, Glass asks Regina how she would like him to murder Marian. Regina says that’s not what she wants, not exactly; instead, she wants to go back in time and stop Emma from stopping Evil Queen Regina from murdering Marian. What she needs her magic mirror for is a little…memory jog. Her evil streak lasted many years and was many years ago, so she doesn’t exactly remember every single “off with her head” she bellowed. The mirror revealed that Marian’s crime was not revealing the whereabouts of Snow White, and for telling the Evil Queen that she felt sorry for her, because Regina doesn’t know love, so she doesn’t feel empathy.

Present-day Elsa finds a newspaper with Gold and Belle’s wedding announcement and hides while she hears people running around in circles and screaming about a monster. Screaming because of her.

Marshmallow corners Emma & Co. in the forest, and suddenly everyone remembers that Emma has magic. She tries to use it, but all it does is piss the snowmonster off and he knocks them all over. Regina appears amidst the chaos to find them all unconscious except Marian, who pleads for her life. Regina disappears for a moment, but appears on the other side of the monster, disintegrating him easily. Marian is genuinely surprised Regina saved her, and says that maybe she’s not a monster after all. When Emma comes to and sees Regina, she runs to her eagerly and tries to talk to her, but Regina disappears into a cloud of smoke. A skill I bet a lot of people wish they had whilst fighting with their girlfriends.

Emma plays with some of the snow on the ground and throws a snowball, probably reminiscing about a time when a giant snowman chasing them through town would have been a more surprising turn of events than it was today. Hook shows up and tries to flirt, but Emma has a wall up and admits she’s been avoiding him. She feels guilty about Regina. About hurting Regina. Definitely not about how she thinks about Regina every time he kisses her. Definitely not that. But just to be sure, she kisses him again. Then heads directly to Regina’s office.

Emma tries the door, but it’s locked, though she sees lights on so she knows Regina is inside. She talks through the door, promising Regina that she can still have happiness. Just because the happy ending she thought she’d have isn’t coming true doesn’t mean there still isn’t a happy ending in store for her. Emma came to Storybrooke specifically to bring back happy endings, and she won’t rest until she gives Regina hers.

Inspired, Regina fires up her magic mirror again. She’s been trying to change the story, but nothing works. She has to go to the source. She’s going to find the writer and change her story. But first, she might have to be a little bit naughty.

Over at the Mansion of Breaking and Entering, Rumple leaves his sleeping beauty (not to be confused with Sleeping Beauty) and gets up to investigate the tiny barrel of stars. He takes out the real Dark One dagger and waves it over the trinket. It starts to glow and transforms into a wizard’s hat containing a universe, not unlike the hat Mickey Mouse wears as the Sorcerer’s Apprentice in Fantasia.

Flashback Elsa goes looking for Anna and finds Sven and Kristoff instead. Elsa, who does not seem to be getting along too well with her future brother-in-law, demands to know where her sister is. She gives him her best icy glare and he finally admits that Anna went off to Mist Haven on her own. Kristoff tells her that she didn’t want Elsa to go, because last time she left she almost caused an ice age, and she didn’t want Kristoff to come because she didn’t want to leave Elsa alone. Kristoff is sure Anna will succeed, but Elsa is worried her sister is a little too impulsive to be on a trip like this alone. Elsa asks how she can get to this “Mist Haven” and why she has never heard of it before, and Kristoff suggests maybe she knows it the way its inhabitants refer to it: The Enchanted Forest.

Present-day Elsa sneaks into Gold’s shop and finds the snowflake necklace she gifted Anna, clutches it, and makes a vow to find her sister.

What did you think of “A Tale of Two Sisters”?

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

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