is going to play Jack Black’s
love interest in the new biblical-times comedy The Year One.
I am going to let the full weight of that news sink in while you stare
at a picture of Olivia. Please, take your time. I’ll wait.
And, for comparison, here is
OK, now side by side.
So, yeah, what’s wrong with
this picture? God, could there be a better example of the schlubby guy/hottie
girl formula that has become the on-screen Hollywood couple du jour?
I’ve railed (and railed) against these pairings for what seems like
forever now. It’s not just the aesthetic that bothers me. Heaven knows
a book is more, so much more, than its cover. But it’s the inequity
of this equation that infuriates me. Where are the schlubby girl/hottie
guy movies? And, since we’re dreaming big, how about the schlubby
girl/hottie girl flicks?
Sure, you could say that since
these films are primarily romantic comedies, the formula works, because
one of the biggest qualities women say they want in a partner is a sense
of humor. And it’s true. I love funny. I’m all for funny. But I’m
also all for parity. Just look at the women Jack Black, in particular,
has been paired with through the years.
In The Holiday, he was paired with
the outrageously gorgeous Kate Winslet:
In Margot at the Wedding, he
was paired with the ridiculously lovely Jennifer Jason Leigh:
In Nacho Libre, he was paired
with the stunningly Penelope Cruz–doppelgangerish Ana de la Reguera:
In Shallow Hal, he was paired
with the impossibly svelte Gwyneth Paltrow
(granted, she was wearing a fat suit half the time, but still):
The industry has turned
Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill
into viable leading men, but when it comes to comparably attractive
actresses with comparably successful careers, I draw a blank.
Seriously, anyone? Anyone?
Bueller? One could argue Kathy Bates. Or maybe Nikki Blonsky.
And, if you want to start a fistfight with scribegrrrl, Queen Latifah.
But none of these ladies are anywhere near schlubby; they’re just
not rail thin. There’s a big difference.
And just in case you were wondering,
before my die-Hollywood-die rant completely derails the Olivia news, her film The Year One
is a Harold Ramis–directed comedy about two men (Black and Juno’s
Michael Cera) who wander through early civilization in biblical
times, searching for the meaning of life. Along their travels, they run
into Olivia’s Princess Inanna, the Princess of Sodom. Yes, as in Sodom
and Gomorrah. Talk about your hell in a handbasket.