Notes & Queeries: Beauty and Margaret Cho

I adore her.  She's so great and honest.  Sadly, I didn't get to see her show (I'm going to try to go to an upcoming one), but THANK YOU for writing about it!  Now I'm going to go youtube her, haha, even though I can quote most of her shows.

 I've been a fan of Margaret Cho since I was about 9 years old(I can't believe the suff my mom let me watch). She and Rosie O'donnel were the two big "role models" for me. They weren't blonde or skinny, and neither was I. When I was being made fun of on the playground it didn't matter, because I could be like Margaret Cho and be happy with what I am(which is awesome).

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"There is homophobia in every corner and pocket of this world, but at the core ... you just love someone and want to make mixtapes for them" -Sara Quin

Awesome article, as always. Thanks!

"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman" - Virginia Woolf

It pisses me off how many of us still care about these so-called beauty myths.

I'm happy to say these days I honestly do not care what society thinks I should look like. This column made me think "Do I think I am beautiful?" The answer is: damn right I do!

This wasn't always the case. I still remember vividly being 14 and the boy I had a crush on said he would not date me unless I lost 20 pounds. I was convinced I was the most ugly person in the entire world and I wanted to die.

Thank you Malinda for this awesome article. 

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-Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Who doesn't blog these days?

Thanks for a moving article about something that we all struggle with. For the record, even tall, skinny, blonde-haired, blue-eyed women often feel inadequate; i know because i am one of those women and i hardly ever feel good when looking in a mirror (and especially horrible when i see pictures of myself).

I'd never heard of Margaret Cho until a gay friend of mine made me sit in front of his TV and watch a couple of DVDs. I had all of the reactions you've described. I was amused, disgusted, offended, and touched all at the same time. As offensive as she might be, i continue to watch her shows. At a time when i was feeling ashamed of myself for my own gender, sex, and sexuality, her words really hit home and helped me realize that i have nothing to be ashamed of.

For the record, i'm still closeted to all but a few friends (i may set off all gaydar within a mile radius, but i still haven't "outed" myself). It was hard enough for me to accept who i am. People like Margaret Cho helped me get to this point, and their over-enthusiastic support of the LGBTQ community will help me eventually feel comfortable enough to come out.

I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Thanks, Malinda Lo, for reminding us that even though some people might not like Cho's material, we still need people like her.

Malinda, wonderful article.  i've loved Margaret Cho for years and hope to see this latest incarnation of her show. 

I can totally relate to your response to your gf saying you looked beautiful.  My gf is a tall, handsome woman who loves me and thinks I am beautiful.  I find it hard to imagine but am trying to embrace her own view of myself. There are days I look in the mirror and actually see what she sees.  Hopefully with each passing day basking in her love I will achieve the self love I have denied myself all those years.

Thanks for highlighting this aspect that permeates our culture and still shapes the minds of most of us.  Maybe the next generation will do better than we have.

Great article!

I have a theory of my own on the subject: I find that not only we are taught that we don't fit in society's standard of beauty, but we are also taught to only pay attention to our flaws.

When I tell someone that I consider myself beautiful their reaction always amaze me. Why is it expected of a woman to have self-esteem issues? I know I'm not perfect, but I chose to acknowledge my qualities instead of my shortcomings.

www.oraculodelesbos.blogspot.com

Malinda, I always look forward to your pieces, as a feminist and queer activist yuppie-femme myself ... and I have to say, this was possibly one of your best ever pieces. In all seriousness.

I've always adored Cho, because while I am white, I'm also an athelete, so my muscles disrupt normative ideals of femininity, while I also play with them as a femme. But also, because I'm a transnational, the majority of women I have dated have also been transnational, which has meant in the most part they were non-white, and seeing them negotiate the multiple vectors of gender, sexuality, ethnicity, culture, family and nationalism has just humbled me.

Can I just say how much I hope that my next girlfriend will be even half as aware and articulate as you? :)

For a wonderfully written piece reminding us that we are all beautiful. I can't accept that there is only one standard of female beauty and the rest of us fall short simply because of genetics. I have admired and been attracted to so many people of various shapes, sizes, colors, races, etc. I think it's impossible to truly appreciate beauty through the filter of a closed mind.

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Another beautifully crafted, thought provoking blog Ms Lo!

malinda's writing

the tattoo in the final picture

it's a privilege and a joy to be part of a community where so many different kinds of beauty are accepted.

has margaret cho ever toured outside north america? i'd love to see her show!

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER!!!! she's got me rollin' in tears laughin more than once and can't get enought of it!

we are all B-E-A-U-T-iful!!!! i'm tall...not thin not blonde and not blue eyed, but i'm me and i'm loved for it! 

now i must go and listen to Beautiful by xtina :p

~*~Alice: Thank god you're here we're totally outnumbered. Bette: What do you mean? Alice: Straight people. Bette: Oh, Jesus.~*~

For three years, I was deeply in love with a Thai woman I met while working as a teacher at her school in rural northeastern Thailand. It wasn't love at first sight, although I knew from the moment that we met that she was the most beautiful woman that I have ever known. We fell in love in pieces, in small moments, touches, glances, and quiet conversations, and I learned that time will always give you more reasons to care about someone than it takes away.

I knew from the beginning that she was beautiful; she knew the same of me, but neither of us believed it of ourselves. Thais have a kind of caste system about skin color, and my ex was obsessed with whether or not she was too dark. Skin lightening products can be found on the shelves of even the smallest convenience store, and Thai-American look-krueng (mixed children) are always believed to be more beautiful than Thai, Lao, or Khmer children because their skin was lighter. One of my greatest accomplishments in my service as a Peace Corps Volunteer was that by the time I left, my friends were either using the skin lighteners less often or had ceased using them altogether.

Sometimes my ex would tell me that she was ugly because her skin was so much darker than mine. I never stood for it. I took her hands and looked her in the eye as I told her how beautiful she was as she was. Even so, it took all three years for her to believe me.

That's why I was concerned when she first told me I was beautiful, because I wanted to be sure that she wasn't just saying it because I was white and blonde. Beauty comes when the inner and outer self are equally attractive and appealing, and she didn't yet understand that.

I knew she was beautiful; she did not. I knew I was not beautiful just yet, because of all the poor decisions I had made and the weakness I had shown in the years before we met. When I have thought myself ugly, it was because my personality was deeply flawed--I was too cruel, vindictive, angry, etc., and I was disappointed in the results. But I am beautiful now because she gave me the strength to overcome my bad habits. She gave me a reason to work on myself. If people say I am beautiful today, I know that it is because they are seeing what she saw and helped bring to the surface.

I am a fan of Margaret Cho because she helps us understand that we have to meet ourselves where we are if we ever want to be who we want to be. We are too obsessed with who we should be and what we should look like (and our goals for this are usually quite skewed), and never look at the great things we do and great ways we look right now. We need to meet our own eyes in the mirror and start looking for the things we are doing right in this very moment.

To paraphrase Lao Tse, a journey of ten thousand miles begins with a single step, but before you take that first step, you must plant your feet where they are and decide that the journey will begin from there. Good luck and safe travel in the miles ahead. Don't forget to wear comfortable shoes.

I'll see you all at the finish line.

"Brains grow love."--H. H. the Dalai Lama

 ...for this great article

............................................................................................       but we´re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy

Malinda,

This is truly a wonderful and important article. I think you really were able to put your finger right on the problem and your account of your personal experience is endearing.

What society defines as beautiful regarding women has 99% to do with what heterosexual men decide to find attractive in women. As we know, this has not been at all a fixed notion throughout time periods or cultures – which only proves its dated status.

For instance, I love to look at renaissance paintings because so many of the women there actually had some considerable fat and that was precisely what made them attractive according to the standards of the time – since thin people were actually equated with the starving poor lower classes.

Another example comes from my own personal experience. As a woman living in a southern European country blessed with lots of sunshine, where a tan is highly valued and considered sexy, numerous people, notably men, have told me I am “too white” (I have my mother’s complexion, she’s a red hair, yet I have brown hair). I remember being a teenager and hating my skin complexion because it was “too white” and instead of tanning it would only get red.

The sad thing about this stuff is that it takes years to deconstruct and reconstruct but in the end I do believe we come out stronger!

Looking forward to your next articles and vlog!

P.S. I really love Cho!

I think this is something we all think about but do not really act on. Now I wonder if what you wrote when you said that modesty is self hatred is true. I can see it to a certain extent but whenever someone is too self loving I think they are arrogant, and whenever people think you are arrogant, there is less chance of acceptance.

I am a freshman in college and growing up in the midwest I have never really had asian friends (I am cantonese) and this year I joined the local asian club and vola I have more friends who are asian and know how to speak, cook, and be asian. Yesterday we had a birthday party for one of our friends I found that I thought one of my friends was attractive because I realized how skinny she way, this was distrubing to because I was afraid that the only reason that I thought she was sexy was because culture has taught me to idealize skinny women. Also, the other thing that I stuggled with yesterday but did not do was come out. We were watching movies yesterday and I could have easily pointed out the hot women just like my friends pointed out the hot men, but I didn't because I was aware of how in general homosexuality isn't as accepeted in asian cultures (more than half of the people were from china, the rest of us from the US) and I didn't want to risk rejection. I now realize how stupid I was and I should have said what I was thinking.

Thank you for this article that reminds us that we are all beautiful however we are.

"So put me on a plane, and fly me to anywhere...with you"-Augustana

Thanks for giving us a backdrop of Cho's Beautiful.  I personally never ever ever EVER wanted to be a tall thin Blond WTF. In my culture we celebrate brown skin,curves,sexy kissable thick lips....I don't know if more Asian-Americans pay way way tooo much towards white ASmerican culture possible causing some sort of biasism against themselves. Malinda your r so beautiful and so is Maragaret Cho and other people. There's nothing wrong admiring another race's looks but to be them ewww. Come on,now!

This is a beautiful article. Thank you so much for this! <3

omg, inbd

Thanks Malinda for this articule!! So beatifull and deep! Just like a fresh air for today!

All of us are so beatifull..just we have to look our inside!

Kisses,

Margaret Cho is the best.  She's provocative, funny, courageous and even tender.  Sometimes her act pushes me out of my comfort zone, but that's part of what I like about her.  BTW I love that last photo.  She looks fantastic.

My own attractions generally run counter the general "standard of beauty" in our society.  In any case, it's fickle.  I do tend to be attracted to certain looks more than others, but I can also find someone attractive with any set of features.

Self acceptance can be so hard won for anyone, but it's a greater challenge when you don't fit into the standard.  Thank you for the article.

This is hella cool, I love what this is all about. Its what i needed to read today...

God helps those, Who help themselves.... In bed.