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Home » Notes & Queeries: The Truth About Lies

Notes & Queeries: The Truth About Lies

Malinda Loby
Malinda Lo
, Senior Writer
January 29, 2009

There are also the lies you tell yourself when you’re trying to convince yourself that the object of your affection really does like you, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Of course she meant to call you the other day; she just got stuck at work, or at school, or in traffic, or at the mall. Of course she cares about you; didn’t she say you were amazing? This kind of lie balloons quickly, creating a universe of self-deception that enables you to tolerate all kinds of bad behavior.

Dismantling that universe is agony. Not only do you have to be willing to see how that person really behaves, you have to endure the pain that comes from experiencing, at last, the truth.

And then there are lies about fidelity. I remember that a friend once told me, “It’s easier to cheat than you think.” People are human, and humans want to be connected to each other.

Both Marisol and Laura have brushes with infidelity in their books. There are no drawn-out love affairs; it’s as simple — and as devastating — as kissing someone you want to kiss when you know you shouldn’t. Who hasn’t felt that before? The problem is that afterward, there’s a decision to make: to lie or not to lie.

I chose to lie about it, once. I was the other woman. That doesn’t excuse it; it was wrong. I can only remember, though, that the lie seemed like the most natural thing in the world. It was about protecting someone else; it was about avoiding the truth; it was about adventure.

Unfortunately, once you tell one lie, you’ll find that you have to tell another. They build on themselves, snowballing until you’re being chased by a growing mass of rumbling, spinning lies. At some point, you can’t run fast enough to outpace them, and they crash into you like an avalanche. Everything gets smashed.

I read Down to the Bone and Love & Lies as an adult. I probably wouldn’t have read these two novels in the same light as a teen. Back then, I didn’t know much about lying. In fact, I generally tended to blurt out the hard truth too bluntly for anyone’s comfort, having not yet learned about tact.

What’s interesting about reading these books now is that I recognize that they do what very little YA fiction has done so far for LGBT teens. In both novels, the main characters have already discovered their attraction to the same sex, and they have already acted on it. They are coming-of-age stories about learning to navigate the world as an adult, rather than coming-out stories.

Both books look at what happens after you come out. What happens when you’re finally dating someone, and they leave you. What happens when you’re sucked into a relationship with someone who has so much power over you. What happens when you think you’re trying to protect someone, but you’re actually trying to fool yourself. What happens? Often, it involves choosing whether or not to tell the truth.

In my mid-20s, I decided grimly that becoming an adult meant learning when to lie. It wasn’t until some time later that I realized that on the flip side, becoming an adult was also about having the courage to tell — and to face — the truth. That’s what Marisol and Laura do in their stories. That’s what we all have to learn, and it’s a lot harder than lying.

For more on Malinda Lo, visit her website.

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cypressindigo's picture

thanks

Submitted by
cypressindigo (23 posts)
on January 29, 2009 - 11:53pm.
for this column.  I always look forward to it, and now i look forward to reading these books.
wintergreen's picture

The brush-off

Submitted by
wintergreen (93 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 12:24am.

It might seem like you’re being self-sacrificing, admitting that you’re just not ready to date, that you need some “time alone.” But anyone who has been on the receiving end of such a statement can hear, loud and clear, the words that remain unspoken: “I’m just not ready to be dating you.”

Seems like a bit of an overgeneralization to me.  I would think it is a good thing when a person has the self-awareness to realize that they're not over their ex and it's too soon to start a new relationship.   Personally, I've turned down people on the basis that I wanted to be single right then -- people who at another time I really could have gone for.  It really had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my own readiness to be in a relationship.  

That said, I do agree that people often say these kind of things as an easy excuse.

I enjoyed the book reviews, I will try to check these out!

pecola's picture

Love This Column

Submitted by
pecola (1504 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 1:23am.

I look forward to Notes & Queeries every month--it always offers some great food for thought. Thank you, Malinda, for sharing these two books and your own personal stories. 

--- 

"The problem of power is how to achieve its responsible use rather than its irresponsible and indulgent use — of how to get men of power to live for the public rather than off the public." -- Robert F. Kennedy

Natazzz's picture

Balancing truth and lies

Submitted by
Natazzz (1113 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 7:02am.

Malinda wrote:
In my mid-20s, I decided grimly that becoming an adult meant learning when to lie. It wasn’t until some time later that I realized that on the flip side, becoming an adult was also about having the courage to tell — and to face — the truth.

I think the trick is to learn when to lie and when to be truthful. I am all for honesty, and usually this is the harder but better option, but sometimes it is better to lie. If you have to lie though, make sure you lie well.

I will definitely check out these novels, they both sound very interesting. 

---------------------------------------

Who doesn't blog these days?

eurOut for all your European queer needs
Klara's picture

agree

Submitted by
Klara (157 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 9:56am.
i still find it extremly hard to tell, when people actually want to hear the truth and when its better to tell them a lie. i was actually raised to be cruely honest with myself and others, but soon experienced(and still do) that people are hurt and not grateful at all about my choice of words sometimes. theres a thin line.. the bigger problem is indeed, that i am not able to differentiate between truths and lies told to me in all politeness too.
Ryn's picture

Love and Lies

Submitted by
Ryn (25 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 9:46am.
Was a great book. I noticed it in my library's YA section and thought i'd give it a read. Was not what I expected. But I am so glad that I did.
judemiranda's picture

I started reading Down to

Submitted by
judemiranda (23 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 10:49am.

I started reading Down to the bone in my library, but I thought it was pretty terrible. I mean, the idea isn't bad but I didn't think it was done well.

 

H.'s picture

Ok

Submitted by
H. (279 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 12:01pm.

So I haven't read either of the books, they sound good but I probably never would read them, besides the point. But this article has cropped up at an oddly inconvenient/poignant moment in my life.

"What happens when you think you’re trying to protect someone, but you’re actually trying to fool yourself. What happens? Often, it involves choosing whether or not to tell the truth."

It like, spoke to me haha. If you're with someone who's like, totally obsessed with you and you feel like you're their whole life, but you're not sure you feel the same. Break up? Or not? With the knowledge that it would probably devastate them and you don't wanna hurt them. But you don't know if you're happy. And to be perfectly honest, you'd cheat on them in a heartbeat. 

What to do?

http://www.myspace.com/good_souls

scrabble maniac's picture

  hatty, it's not

Submitted by
scrabble maniac (50 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 1:58pm.

 

hatty,

it's not your responsibility to keep someone from being devastated. i think you should break up if that's how you feel. it would be more kind than staying out of a sense of guilt. it is your job to make yourself happy in an honest way though. be single and have fun for now.

to me the best reason for leaving a relationship is that i wasn't happy. 

 

Natazzz's picture

Would you want you to stay with you under these circumstances?

Submitted by
Natazzz (1113 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 4:27pm.

Ask yourself what is worse: Ending the relationship and breaking her heart or continuing a relationship even though you do not feel the same way she does?

Truth usually wins out in the end, and she will resent you for it.

Besides, I am sure you are an amazing girl, but she will get over it.

---------------------------------------

Who doesn't blog these days?

eurOut for all your European queer needs
H.'s picture

Ahh

Submitted by
H. (279 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 6:45pm.

I know, in the long run it's probably better to finish it, but then I can't help thinking that maybe I should just let it run it's course. The annoying thing is, that I do really really like her and I do wanna be with her, but only when I'm actually with her, y'know? When we're apart, I can't be bothered with her, and I have insane desires to cheat. I'd quite like to just date her, as apposed to being in a fully committed long-term relationship. But how do you propose that to someone who's already talking about moving in together, getting a dog and growing old?

Arrrgh. I almost feel like there's no way around it. I'm gonna have to seriously, awfully break her heart at some point.

http://www.myspace.com/good_souls

wintergreen's picture

In that case

Submitted by
wintergreen (93 posts)
on January 31, 2009 - 1:29am.

You should probably break up with her.  Like the above poster said: would you want to stay with you if your situations were reversed?  Yeah, it'll hurt her, but if you break up with her soon they'll be less damage done than if you string her along for a while longer. 

There's no shame in liking someone yet not wanting an indefinite commitment with them.  It sounds like you guys are just on two different pages relationship-wise.

x.Lorna.x's picture

I Really

Submitted by
x.Lorna.x (92 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 12:09pm.

Enjoyed reading this article, and it's a truth that really hits home. I believe that honesty is the best policy, but I don't alway stick to it. I also find it's so much easier to lie to yourself than anyone else, it gets you out of a lot of things.

Anyway, this was a great read, and I think I may check out Love and Lies. 

yabbadabbadoo's picture

young adult fiction

Submitted by
yabbadabbadoo (23 posts)
on January 30, 2009 - 3:29pm.

The only YA book about lesbians I've read (as an adult) was Annie on My Mind. It's a little dated now, but it's never gone out of print since it first came out in the early 80's. That should tell you how well-written it is.

Looking forward to your book, Malinda! Thanks for another great installment of N&Q!

rocklobster's picture

"There are also the lies

Submitted by
rocklobster (15 posts)
on February 3, 2009 - 8:41am.

"There are also the lies you tell yourself when you’re trying to convince yourself that the object of your affection really does like you, despite all evidence to the contrary."

I'm quite guilty of this right now.

I know she's straight. Yet I prefer to believe that her calls, her compliments, her touches mean more than the friendly gestures that they are. Am I being hopeful? Optimistic? Or am I simply deluding myself?

I think I know the answer..

Mrs. Julia Murney's picture

Ouch, ouch, ouch

Submitted by
Mrs. Julia Murney (9 posts)
on April 19, 2009 - 7:51pm.

"There are also the lies you tell yourself when you’re trying to convince yourself that the object of your affection really does like you, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Of course she meant to call you the other day; she just got stuck at work, or at school, or in traffic, or at the mall. Of course she cares about you; didn’t she say you were amazing?"

Ouch, ouch, ouch :(
That hit a little too close to home. Been there, lied to myself, and then cringed when I came out of it and realized how she really felt. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

 


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