Is anyone in a relationship with a non affectionate partner. You know they love you but they don't want to be touched often. And they think something is wrong with you for wanting to be affectionate towards them more times than not. If you are, how are you dealing with it?
Submitted by
on April 14, 2007 - 10:48pm.
Do you mean sexually or in
Do you mean sexually or in everyday life? I don't like to be touched very much. But I like the "good" touching. People touching me just makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm even this way with my family who I am close with. That's not to say I'm not affectionate in a sexual way with my girlfriends, just I don't like to be touched by people. Maybe you could ask her about it and tell her how it makes you feel when she's not affectionate.
I went to this Overeaterss Annoymous(the gayest thing I've ever been to in my life) meeting once (I was like 14) and this old lady there gave me a hug which threw me off guard so I did the whole "hug/pat the back thing" and she noticed that and told me that patting someones back while you hug them means you don't want to have sex with that person...Left field. I know.
non affectionate partner
Im the same way
I dont like being touched by people n i dont like touching people. Its not that i dont want to but i guess wasnt raised in a hugging or touchn lovingly family or just didnt see alot of it or did it. Its even hard to hug family n friends which it shouldnt i know but it is. I never initaiate hugs wit friends or anyone n when i get hugged my hands r always at my sides n my friends always ask why the hell im not hugging back, which then i would but for like a sec. I dont know why.People find it weird because from my personality which is alwaas smiling n loving,friendly n stuff ud think Id be a Totally Touchy Felly type person. Like u know when ur friends hurt or crying n they need consoling i know theyd love a hug or a touch but i just cant do it its like i want to but my body just cant or maybe its more my mind. N i hate being touched by people unless ur a really good friend. But thats only when it comes to people im not intimate wit. when its wit a chick im seeing she could touch me freely but me touching her its weird like i can only do it when she goes first i cant be the first one to touch her. N its nothing on her part its just me.Can anyone explain this behaviour ?because i can see how itd give the wrong impression that i dont like the girl when i really do.
well...
i certainly don't have a non-affectionate partner...mine's very affectionate...i just got lucky, i guess, since i believe i am the touchy-feely type...tho' she taught me most of it.
but you know what, i am only like this with my partner...am not like this with friends and family...although now am starting to be touchy-feely towards my family. it's actually very nice. my partner, i guess, was a big part in my being like this towards my family...i even am verbally affectionate now...
so, i guess, what you can do is initiate..let her feel that you love doing it but if your subtle moves go unnoticed, then talk to her. what have you got to lose? nothing! and if she is receptive of your suggestion, then you gain a lot.
communication is the key to everything, trust me.
communication is the key
hmmm
I hug, cuddle, touch, kiss, etc, like people do, but I have to want to, in order for it to happen. Most of the time, I will avoid being touched, as it makes me uncomfortable, and over stimulates my sense of touch, and distracts me. The funny thing is, I am described as loving, gentle, caring, and so on, by most people who know me, including lovers, but this wanting my own space, is something almost never understood.
What can make it even worse, is when a lover, decides that she is the one who will be the exception, and even though I have explained how very sensitive I am, and how distracting in a bad way I find it, and that I do love her and we can cuddle, and touch, just not all the time, or when I am doing something... so she touches me in the morning, when all I am thinking about is my coffee, and I am not even aware of her presence, and my instinctual reaction is to shrug the touch off, and of course that hurts... and in the end, I become the bad guy...
People have all sorts of reasons to how they behave... I have had lovers, who if I touched them, assumed I wanted sex, or if they touched me, were initiating sex, and I have also had lovers who were just very touchy-feely in general... which is fine, but my core human is not suddenly going to change because I have a touchy feely lover.
Often those who do not care for casual, or absent, or random touching, are on the back foot, they are made to feel defective, and like the bad guy, because 'it is not normal' and lover 'means no harm, is just trying to show some love'... This can make someone like me feel claustrophobic, cramped, and even frantic, as the thing is, the 'behaviour is not so abnormal, and it is certainly not personal'. I think it could be considered abnormal if a person permitted no touching, or whatever... but the main thing is, it is not personal... I am not rejecting my lover, but my sensory network, and my character, simply perceive things in a certain way, and by trying to force me to be another way, damage is being done, where surely, some sort of compromise would be better...
You could ask you lover, to initiate touching, and see if her boundaries become less rigid over time, and then maybe she would welcome more random touching. Also, try not to be defensive about it, and try not to make her defensive about it. Communication is a key thing in situations like this...I actually did once have a lover who did not mind my unusual behaviour, as she knew I would touch her, and would welcome her touch, and somehow inatelly understood if she did not press it, it would be fine, in time...
Especially if she did not make a big deal of it, and act hurt, and like it was personal...
Communication, and compromise are keys to a successful relationship, imho anyway.
Oh and, I have been this way since I was a child, but obviously with time and experience, it has mellowed, and so on... My mother tells me I have always been quite sensitive about things, especially about being touched. Funny thing is, most of the sports I do, are contact sports dealing with martial arts... Interesting, hmmm? I also work with children, and do not mind them, so who knows. I am sure a head shrink would have a field day with me, but I think it is more physical, than mental, to be honest.
not a touchy feely person
How old is she...
...sometimes it takes time and experience to be able to do anything except react...
I have learned not to shrug off touches, as I know it hurts those who attempt to touch me, but I have been known to shrug off even my mother's touch, if the timing is wrong. The best way I can explain it to you, is that sensory input is on a hair trigger. Sometimes, when the trigger is pulled it fires in the wrong way. Does she have an overdeveloped startle reflex? I have noticed that it can sometimes come hand in hand, with not being very touchy-feely...
so
As I described it to you, input is interpreted in a way that makes it seem bad, versus benign, so the autonomic responses of the body overreact, or avoid it whenever possible, and with time, leaned behaviour compensates... it goes both ways... there are those who are simply oversensitive, and easily have sensory overload, and those who basically have to be pounded with a hammer to even notice...
It is neurological, not emotional, or psychological... perhaps that can ease your mind?
I'm not a doctor though, (I was going to be one, in another life.) but what I researched, was very indicative of this...
Rain, thanks for your post,
Rain, thanks for your post, I had never realized that it could be neurological, I just assumed that the cause would be emotional.
There are situations that are extremely uncomfortable for me, I mean I do show affection, but there are situations, specially if I am caght off guard that will get a bad reaction from me. My mother says I have always been that way, but that when I am in the "mood" I'll seek the contact.
My partner is a very touchy feely kind of person, and with her I am far more at ease. I have noticed that is comes with her knowing me inside out, and her knowing what and when my body (and I, lol) are receptive. So I'd have to agree, communication is very much the key.
"You and I wear the dangerous looseness of doom and find it becoming. Life, for eternal us, is now and now is much to busy being a little more than everything to seem anything, catastrophic included.."
Yeah...
I would cite the links I found, but they use words like disorder, and dysfunction, and I just do not like words like that... But, if you can sift through the extra stuff, and obviously realize that one does no need to have something like Autism or Cerebral Palsy, in order to have even quite a few of the symptoms described, and if you also realize, that who you are, and how you are, is normal, and natural for your person, then it is probably ok for me to cite links.
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/
(check out the adult section, though of course you will probably see yourself in the children's sections as well)
Of course, this sort of discovery is new, so when we were kids, and maybe our senses could have been trained to perceive things otherwise, it would have been less acute. But, as I have said before, on learns with age and experience, to quell reactions, and to suppress them during certain types of situation. Obviously also, everyone is different, and in reality, (whatever reality might be) everyone will have some of the aspects of this thing...
And it is a general heading which covers a lot of ground, for example, I have dyslexia, which is an indicator that goes with this oversensitivity. Others will have other things, or perhaps nothing. The human body is incredibly complex, and miraculous even, but the whole thing is balancing on the end of a pin, so it takes very little for it to overbalance and be slightly off. That is ok, we are all human, after all! :) Flaws are beautiful...
The main thing for those who are on both sides of the equation to realize is:
Chances are, the person trying to touch you, does not understand, so instead of lashing out, and being an asshole, try to explain. And really, try to explain... And if the first time does not work, try again, and again!
Chances are, the person you are trying to touch, has a long history of being misunderstood, and also, not everything is intentional, personal, or caused by some traumatic experience. Ask, instead of accuse...
I kinda understand
I'm not really an affectionate person and I don't always want to be touched. I don't know why but that's the way I am. My ex used to get mad at me because of it but I told him it had nothing to do with him, it's just the way I am. I guess I could work on it if I meet someone else ..."Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost"
What if?
I personally WISH I was affectionate but it just doesn't come naturally to me. I wasn't raised that way at all so it's just foreign to me! I don't initiate hugs or kisses or touches but I really don't dislike any of that stuff. It makes me mildly uncomfortable but it's more because it's just not how I do things moreso than I don't want it. My body just automatically sorta tenses up and the other person can feel that. It's weird, I tell ya! It definitely been an issue in most of my relationships! I tend to end up with people who NEED that. Maybe most people need that.
You know what REALLY makes
non affectionate partners
ask louder
...
I'm an affectionate person and I honestly would have difficulty dating someone who did not like to be touched or had specific instances when they could be/or did not want to be touched. I would be too worried second-guessing myself on whether or not a touch was appropriate and appreciated at a given time.
I didn't really want to post on this topic with my opinion because I thought it could be seen as...hmm...sort of prejudice against those who can be un-affectionate. However, I know what I want in a relationship and one of those things is affection and not having to worrying whether or not the time was right.
I can not see myself being with someone as described in this thread.
Touching
Being hugged is uncomfortable for me as well, even sometimes from my own mother. it's just that i'm not used to it, but i feel like i'm pushing people away even though i don't want to. I've never been comfortable being affectionate in relationships(with boys) in the past, and have no idea if i'll be able to get past this if i'm in a relationship with a woman, even though i now identify as a lesbian. I suppose i won't know for sure until i start to date someone i'm attracted to, but i really don't want to hurt anyone, by being physically and emotionally distant. Has anyone been able to overcome this "problem"? maybe by finding the right person?
time
give yourself time, and try not to be a jerk about it... it took me years to be able to explain why, as I did not really underdtand that it was not emotional per se... I did not know when I was a child, and when I was younger, what was going on, and I did not know how to express myself. Also, I am a very reserved person, so public displays of affection bother me anyway, so the two aspects made me hard to get a long with.
With time, I learned about my body, and realised I was really hurting people, so I learned to control my reactions and not be such a jerk. Thankfully, my friends and family ie: the people who really matter, understand me, and accept that I am this way, which is a huge relief. Now lovers, well I have had some luck with making some of them realise that it is not personal, or emotional, it is just sensory perception, mainly. I cannot help how I am hardwired, I can only hope that people will meet me in the middle about it...
I would not worry about it too much, in time, and with the right people, things are ussualy ok, and the upside of being sensitibe to beingtouched, is well, being sensitive to being touched. *evil wink*
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It is very typical human behavior, to blame anyone else for any problems. Also, wanting to understand why someone is the way they are, is not something most people want to do. They just pass judgements, ignore problems, and assume everything is a personal affornt, or attack...
So, you just need to realise that you are fine as you are, and the main thing is, that you like yourself, try to understand yourself, and live.
The originator of this topic, wants to understand, and does not seem to be passing judgement, so she is to be lauded. Also, the understanding must go both ways, so learn to be patient, we are all different, and it would be utterly tedious if we were not...