gay girl who hooks with boys...can you say oxymoron...!?

hey guys,

right, so this is something i've been thinking about for a while, basically i'm the worst lesbian ever, been out to myself and everyone for 10 years, but have never had a relationship, or really any kind of thing. i always put it down to not meeting the right girl, got another straight crush, don't feel confident with my body, all that crap, but the whole time i've been sporadically and i stress that....making out with guys and sleeping with them, not loads just more than girls. i want to be sleep with girls, i just can't seem to make myself make it happen, maybe its just men are easy, but the way i look at it, i've always seen myself with a women in a long term committed thing, but i seem to just want men for sex, i do find them attractive i think, i don't know, it seems to be fleeting.

i really don't know what to do, i'm pretty sure i'm gay, cos i only get feelings for women, i can't connect with men in the same way, but then again is it because i am closed to the idea..i do want to get with guys, but girls are so much better. NO! as i right this i know i am gay, but why have the urges to sleep with boys?

sorry this was a giant rant of nothingness, i just wish things were more simple, not sure what i'm thinking or feeling very confused. i honestly thought i'd gotten over the self doubting phase. 

we'll see, also happy christmas.xx