Confused..would be grateful for any feedback.

First off, I understand this is a personal issue for everyone and that each person's experiences are different, but I feel I need to put my words together in some fashion, and I would be grateful for any feedback.  Ok here, goes...I have really enjoyed reading all the forum posts here.  I am sort of just starting to wonder if I might be bisexual..I suppose I've thought about it for a long time but never really allowed myself to "go there" as it were.  Not sure why, I just couldn't.  I have always been at odds with my sexuality.  I have always been terrified of it, whoever I was attracted to(mostly men up to this point)  I take this into account when trying to figure myself out.  I also take into account the fact I have had fairly negative experiences with men in relationships, sexual and those that weren't sexual.  Chicken and egg, not sure. 

I thought I was gay in college for a brief time(I am 29 now) because I had a very close relationship with a woman.  We would hold hands and cuddle together but it was never sexual.  She was my best friend and I loved her.  I confessed to her that I thought I might be gay-it never occured to me then that bisexuality was available-and she sort of freaked out on me.  I was hurt by this and I figured, well, maybe I'm not gay because it was only her.  I do remember a couple other women I was attracted to sexually though, when I look back.  

I was a late bloomer-first "real" kiss with a man when I was 21 and he did not live up to my deeply ingrained  Prince Charming ideal.  I dated a bit after this, never getting involved with anyone sexually until I was 25-and it was awful.  I thought it brought us closer but physically it was terrible for me.  Again trying to find Prince Charming, I found a man I liked and actually enjoyed having sex with(this was a year and a half ago) but that ended badly also, with an abortion I chose to have due to an unexpected pregnancy complicating my assessment of that relationship quite a bit.  I was with a man recently and found that experience to be traumatic also-I thought this was because it was the first person I'd been with since the abortion a year and a half ago.  I also felt less close to him afterward which confused me also.

The above statements may or may  not have anything to do with my sexuality but they are part of the events that are shaping the discourse  in my mind, so I felt they needed to be aired.  I do not believe "bad" experiences with men are a "reason" to be bi or gay.  I also believe that I am quite repressed sexually and that may be another issue in and of itself. 

About 2 weeks ago I had a date with a man who I did not click with, and after that I started thinking about women.  I don't think it was because of the guy, it just seemed to fall into place right after.  And I started to find women attractive in a way I hadn't before.  Real women, not celebrity women..I wondered if that meant something?  But I just started noticing little things...the curve a a cheek, a shoulder of one woman or another and found it to be attractive.   I have noticed the same things about men, but now I notice them about women too.

I had fantasized about women before, ever since college when I started forming some sexual ideas, and I have seen some porn that I really enjoyed(and I am very embarrassed to admit that) so it's not a new idea to me to find the idea of a woman attractive, but I always figured it was just for my fantasies and I liked guys "in real life".  

I have never kissed a woman before but I have been thinking about it so much lately.  I also find that I desire the need for a "box" even though I understand this stuff is fluid.  I also worry about not fitting in...I was always the outcast at college, the straight girl among the lesbians and it was almost like I wasn't allowed in their "club" even if I'd wanted to explore more then.  Don't really fit in on the straight girl side either, so I don't know.  Very, very confused.  I did have a coffee meeting with a woman last week and I was very excited by the whole thing...it felt so nice to be chatting with her, I sort of got the butterflies, and I like how it feels so much more..involved emotionally to spend time with a woman.  I do find some men attractive still..I have this almost childish crush on Alan Rickman..  but my relationships and connections with "real" men are just..not cutting it.  I hate oral sex on guys and intercourse never has felt 100% right...maybe I haven't met the right guy, maybe I don't really want to be with a guy? I don't know...

Ok so I have rambled quite a bit..does any of this make sense??? Help!! :)  

-eowyn