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need some feedback, relationship in trouble?So, I have a problem. I have been in a relationship for a little over 4 years with an beautiful woman. In the beginning it was all about us everything we did, we did it together. Everywhere we went, we went together. I gave up a lot to be with her (moved, came out yikes!) We were never big at communicating but I always figured that it would come in time. Over the years it has gotten worse, I like to argue and she hates it. I like heated discussions and conflicting opinions. She hates to even talk about controversial topics because we end up in an argument (is that so bad, at least we’re talking right?). I don’t get mad when we are in these discussions but she gets very irritated and won’t talk to me for a couple of hours. I try to explain to her that I like to hear what she is passionate about and even more I like to have conversations that don’t revolve around her work or the people she works with. It is seriously all she thinks about. I have always thought that strong opinions backed up by accurate facts are hot, even if I don’t necessarily agree with them. Lately she is always at work, and I mean always. She works every weekend and I only spend about three hours with her on any given day. She isn’t cheating, I’ve considered it and decided that she wouldn’t do that to me. About 5 months ago I decided that I may be a big reason our relationship has declined. In turn I have taken steps to correct the things that I hoped were the problem. I have been working out everyday (on my lunch break so that it doesn’t take away from our time together) trying to make myself more desirable. I have tried to make sure that the house is always clean and make sure the laundry doesn’t pile up. I try to set up activities for us to do on Sundays (her only day off) so that we are spending time together without a TV. Nothing I do has made anything any better. I even let her have a 45 minute nap when she gets home from work because she is so tired. We rarely make love anymore and if we do it is when I initiate it and most times not even then. It probably sounds like she is cheating, I can assure you she isn’t. Unless it is an emotional affair. I hope not. I love her and I know that she loves me but I’m unsure if it is the kind of love you can base a long term relationship on. Ladies please let me know if you think that this relationship is worth the effort. I don’t really know why I am asking, I won’t leave her unless she does something unforgivable. I guess I just miss having feedback. Submitted by Melissa Hsu (not verified) on July 29, 2009 - 6:00pm. |
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I went through something similar
She's probably not cheating, but she's probably not satisfied with the relationship anymore. I understand in the beginning it was beautiful, but sometimes as time passes people change. Maybe she's having second thoughts about the relationship. The best thing to do is try to not argue with her that will give her more reason to run away from you. Try to let her have her space maybe she's feeling smothered. I know it's difficult to hear. Let me put it to you in this way if someone we're to tell you I love you 15 times a day it becomes a slogan it doesn't mean anything anymore. It loses it's meaning. I hope you understand what my point.
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I am in a similar relationship
I tend to relate to how you describe "her", so hopefully my thoughts can be of some insight. My gf of 2 years also likes to have "heated discussions". So often I get frustrated and hurt because all our "discussions" feel like arguments to me. She tells me "it's just how she talks", but I've come to the point where I avoid her and any in-depth conversations just to avoid what I feel are arguments.
All the things you are doing, excersizing, keeping the house welcoming, trying to make time for her, just might be too late if she has made her mind up to put a wall up between you. This is where I am, just 2 years into it...and my walls don't come down easily, nor can I see through them very well. (By the way, is she a Scorpio by any chance?) I'm happier, calmer, and more content inside my own shell, than when I let her in to be with me.
As for sex, it goes hand in hand with where you two are emotionally. She has a wall up there too, because it's easier to close off everything rather than make daily decisions about what to let in.
I'm sure you both still love eachother on many levels. I think couples tend to go back and forth throughout the relationship with who has the power and who is struggling to hold on to the other.
My advice for you, and what I'm coming to terms with myself, is that you would both benefit from relationship therapy, a neutral ground to talk about where you are inside of yourselves and with eachother. Also, it helps to have someone who is trained to ask the right questions and lead the discussion in a productive direction.
Good luck to you. I hope, for the sake of 'love' that you both stay together and build a healthy relationship. If not, just take what you can from the love you had together and continue on the road of life and love into your next journey.
Hi sorry but ignoring the
i also had a similar
experience. except im on the other side where she's already gone. maybe not totally similar, the girl i was with was actually cheating on me. if i could go back, i would do anything possible to open a clear communication. without it its near to impossible to work anything out. but philosipher is def. right, when someone makes up theyre mind, its a difficult task to unmake it.
"In the middle of the journey of our life, i came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost." -Inferno
Sorry...
I'm sorry to hear that you're having troubles
1) If its worth it, try to save the realationship
2) If its not, dump her...
The best thing to do is to talk to her. I've wrangled myself out of a 4 yr relationship as well.. I am now single, and focusing on myself and my needs. I am happier now. No use being in a relationship when you've given your all and gettin nothing in return.
> From Serious Sam II - "Hey, didn't I just kick your ass TWO rooms back??" <
Same situation...
I was exactly where you were almost a year ago. The ex gf kept complaining that I wasn't listening to her anymore because our discussions would get heated although not about each other, when all I did was listen to her whenever we're having random conversations. Naturally I did what you're doing, tried to NOT let my opinons get too loud, making sure that I listen to her even if she kept talking about her miserable life (which kind of already hints that I'm the reason for it), made sure that I told her how much I loved her and missed not being around her...you name it, I did it. She still left anyway. She seem to have already made up her mind but couldn't muster the courage to say it to my face. It's only when I pestered her about it did she tell me we've been over for years. She said she loves me but not the way that I want her to. Not sure what that means but it felt like she'd been playing me for 4 years. She said she didn't want to hurt me so she didn't say anything about it any sooner. I know that was all the rubbish and petty excuses to make it look like she was contributing and making an effort in the relationship.
Honestly, I'd love if you and your gf can find a way to make things work out for the better. Also not to mention how this will potentially help you both understand each other and communicate better. But reality is, if she made up her mind about keeping you off of her wall, she'd prolly stick to it. It's not healthy being in a relationship that only makes you feel unappreciated and low. True that relationships do require some compensation at some point but you should never have to feel surpressed or assume the position where you stop being yourself. I'd suggest talking to her openly, laying everything out on the table and be prepared to take the chop if she brings it on. As difficult as it may sound, you will eventually survive it and hopefully she's on the same page as you are, willing to work matters out for the best. If however it comes to the worst case scenario, you have to let her go and still walk on with your head held up high. Good luck, mate!
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I have brought it up, we
I have brought it up, we have discussed it. I let her know that if she is done with this relationship that I am the person she needs to tell. I explained to her that I cannot be in a relationship with myself anymore. Her responses are always so guarded, she will reply with "Do you want to end this?" Of course I tell the truth and say no. I refuse have my anger be her easy out, I need her to tell me!! But then she looks deep into my eyes with tears streaming down her face saying that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her and without me in her life she would be so lost. And then she starts asking why I am even talking like that and tra la la. She knows I love her, she just doesn't seem to understand what I need from her. I just want us to share our life together again.
Thank you all for the responses, they have helped more than you know.
Dying to say this to you
To me, especially the
To me, especially the comment that without you "she would be so lost", and her negativity, tiredness, lack of interest in sex and avoidance indicates to me that she is probably depressed.
If this is the case, then the question I suppose is, does she talk about her feelings: is there some context to the negativity/how miserable she feels or does it just seem like a persistant mood? Can she tell you why she feels her life would be so lost? Ask her what thoughts about herself she has and consider booking an appointment with a psychologist, with a view to exploring Cognitive Therapy (which has scientifically proven, successful methods for managing depressive feelings). You can find excellent Cognitive Behavioural workbooks for depression, as well, including self diagnostics: I strongly recommend buying such a title.
On the one hand, there are her needs, which are likely to be buried in whatever it is she is experiencing and which probably focus much of her energy on going to work, keeping up with life as best she can. She is probably leaning on you because you are certain and safe, but I doubt she's in a place where she can be sensible to your own needs. She probably avoids thinking about them because it makes her feel even worse about herself for not meeting them; the confrontation much the same.
I'm like you in that I enjoy passionate discussion and openness, but I also have a history of severe depression that has lead me to avoid people, even to avoid looking at buildings associated with people because they prompt an unfair and pitiless self criticism, on my part, from a sense of inadequacy: avoiding the confrontations that produce these feelings is the easiest and most instinctive means of self preservation. I used to experience it for much of the year, but these days any episodes are rare and short and I manage them consciously.
On the other hand, no long term relationship can survive a severe, persistant depression unless there's some kind of progress and you can feel a part of that. If it is depression, then you need to understand that it's something distinct, that it does not reflect upon you or her; although it may be instigated by her prior life experiences and a number of biological factors, it becomes it's own animal.
Clearly you need to feel that the two of you are connected again, that she is sharing with you. I don't know if it will be enough to fulfill your needs in the short term, but it's perfectly possible to identify the problem and goals she can work towards and simply knowing and understanding the problem, if it is depression, may help immensely.
Beyond that, there may/may not be other issues with the relationship, but you won't be able to tell unless you address this possibility. Her behaviour could indicate other things, but I think it is worth investigating it.