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News, Reviews & Commentary on Lesbian and Bisexual women in Entertainment and the Media

Complete Confuzzlement

Hello all, after lurking around the forums I figured it was time to actually ask for some advice/help, so here goes:<p>

I've loooong identified as bisexual (though without ever really saying it), though it's generally expressed itself as "straight in bed, gay in the head" - I've dated guys (and currently am) but find my thoughts about 'what's hot' (so to speak) tend to be women. More and more over the past year or so I find myself getting all giddy/blushing when a cute girl checks me out, and get nothing when the same happens with guys.<p>

My dreams have been heavily featuring girls lately; one that stood out last week was - bear with me here - one in which I went on a date with Gerard Butler (I have NO idea why it was him) and hung out in a friendly way, but was then like, "Gerard, I'm actually gay" and I then found myself with this super awesome woman (I'll leave out the rest, which featured having Christmas at Versace's house and meeting Michael Jackson...!!). When I woke up I felt a strange mix of realisation and total confusion. <p>

My last two relationships (i.e. with men) have fizzled and I could honestly say if I didn't have to have heteronormative (ha!) sex ever again, it wouldn't bother me. I'm currently in a relationship with a guy but it's obviously cooling - we've both discussed just shifting into friends/housemates gear - and, funnily enough, a few weeks back he semi-joked that he thought I was a lesbian, and I sort of thought "hmm" instead of laughing or joking back. <p>

It feels so weird to get to 27 and be "confused about my sexuality", but here I am.<p>

Any thoughts/advice/wisdom? 


scarlett's picture

Hmmm....

Sounds like you know what you want and what's in the works is you being comfortable with it. Not an easy task, but one I found worth more than anything.

It was scary for me to start dating women when I had only dated guys for so long. It felt like starting all over and I had to relearn all the rules of engagement; flirting, dating, sex, etc. It was so intimidating. I often reverted back to men because it was easy and familiar. But like you, I would still have the dreams about women and also their flirtations would cause a greater reaction in me than any guys' attempt.

It was confusing. But I was the one making it that way. I kept trying to affirm to myself that I could be happy with only men when I would recognize the really good moments in relationships. But this logic was contradicted by just about everything around me and I chose to keep ignoring it. These relationships with guys always cooled down to being friends or fizzled out to nothing everytime and there was safety in that. I think my biggest unconscious fear was of how vulnerable I'd be in a relationship that I couldn't disconnect from. I think somewhere I must have known deep down that the same would not be possible with women for me.

I felt like I was constantly wavering on the decision to stay semi-satisfied in a series of relationships with guys or take a real chance outside of my comfort zone by dating women.

The instant I was able to let go of the slightest bit of those initial worries, I realized that more than it being scary, dating women is also beautiful, funny, sexy and amazing. My apprehensions didn't melt away over night of course, but I never could have known it would be so worth it if I hadn't of taken the chance. It's never dulled my attraction to men, but did infact make me understand more about what I'm attracted to regardless of gender.

Just try to be honesty with youself and who you date the whole way. It really does help you to remember that you are worth what you want.

867-5309's picture

I can relate.

I always thought I was bit "bi-curious" but nothing more as I had very satisfying relationships with men but I was increasingly attracted to women. Then in my mid 20's I realized it was a lot more! And now a few years later I'm in the best relationship of my life with a woman. 

I thought it was odd that I didn't have my sexuality all figured out in my teens like most people, but it just took some time to figure it all out. And once I allowed myself to explore my feelings I got to know myself even better. All of my attraction to women starting with dreams about women too! Our subconscious tells us a lot in our dreams!
 
So it sounds to me like you know the answer already. And I think like the poster above and like me there are a lot of ladies on AE who can relate. The longer you wait to start dating women the more you'll be kicking yourself later for waiting.
 
Good luck! 
 
 
Lia's picture

I know the feeling

I'm not a source of wisdom, but I found myself in somewhat of a similar situation, realizing I was bisexual at age 26, when I had never really given it any thought and only ever had romantic relationships with males. In the end, I think, love knows no boundries, as cliche as that sounds. So, you're certainly not alone. Sometimes, things take time to work out or be worked out.

I also like the word "confuzzlement," it's cute! Though in saying so, I certainly don't mean to mock your situation. ^_^

blueroses's picture

No mocking taken!

Haha, it is indeed cute ;-)
Ash's picture

Sexual orientation is so fluid and changes...

You can be bi one instant, lesbian the next. Well, not that fast, but yeah... xD It may come as a surprise to you this late in the game, but all you have to do is go with the flow and not worry over labelling yourself. You like, you like; you don't like, you don't like. Go with the flow, and just enjoy yourself.
Lia's picture

"This late in the game"

I suddenly feel really, really old. Excuse me, I need to go find my cane! ^_^
Nodame's picture

tsk tsk, silly Ash she isn't

tsk tsk, silly Ash she isn't late in the game.  She just getting her game face on. ^.~
Ash's picture

>_>

Yep! Just getting the game on. But excuse me. xD That's not exactly what I meant.... haha. More experienced was what I was going for. :3 But excuse the youngster, I am only 18. xD
Nodame's picture

thats right youngster, know

thats right youngster, know your roll ^.~
Ash's picture

<_<

One more time for clarification! Late in the game = More experience. Oh, I know my roll all right, as a young 'un. xD
fireinthewater.'s picture

Totally relate.

I have had those dreams, too, when I first started to truly entertain the idea of being attracted to girls. One particularly vivid one not too long ago was what pushed me to explore my bi-curiosity, and it turned out to be way more than I ever guessed it would be. I realised that only girls could really capture and hold my romantic/sexual interests and that in the past couple years, I have not felt the same attraction to any boy. I also cannot imagine feeling that way about a boy anymore. The odd thing is, I never even thought to question my sexuality when I was a teenager and dating guys, it just seemed to develop that way. Maybe I worked it out in my subconscience, who knows?

I've not been in an actual relationship with a girl, but then again I've only ever been in one proper relationship in my life. Nonetheless, it has not been a clear path getting to where I am now, and I don't quite see it clearing up in front of me just yet. I reckon alot of us on here have been through similar experiences, so you are not alone :) My advice reiterates what has already been said above - be honest while you're figuring it all out, to the people you date and especially to yourself. Don't shy away if you discover new sides of you which may feel uncomfortable at first.

Vidabella's picture

I don't think its weird

I don't think its weird because considering society forces heterosexuality (rather, ASSUMES) onto all of us, I think late "bloomers" really makes sense.

I'd just try out a relationship with a girl and see how it goes....!

-------------------------------------------------

I love womyn!!

Nodame's picture

I don’t think

I don’t think age has anything to do with it, I wouldn’t consider you a “late bloomer” because sexuality is a little bit more fluid in some people. Is it normal? Normal is relative.

But please remember that sexuality has three major components, erotic behavior, fantasies, and emotional attachment.  Don’t be harsh on yourself and allow yourself to experience whatever it is that you’re going through; don’t try to over analyze it.

sparkly underwater 's picture

Like you, I have also

Like you, I have also identified as bisexual for a looong time... And I also thought many times that I was "confused" and just needed to think it out... was always wondering like a fool if theres some "sense" to this, some purpose, some pattern ?

Finally I realized, to hell with 'confusion', there no confusion, I just AM Bi!  This swaying back n forth IS my sexuality ....   few yrs ago it was girls-girls-girls... ...now at 27 , unlike you, now I think I want kids and could love a man...

And my brain still goes:  Is it the Biological clock?  Will i go back to girls?   ARRGHHH

=/  dunno if i helped ...

if you figure "it" out will you please tell me  ;)

blueroses's picture

Thanks everyone

I knew I'd get a bit of perspective on here :-)

Well, I guess I'll just keep thinking and feeling and see what happens (and try to figure it out, sparkly, haha). Thanks for the words of wisdom. x