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the best friend thing
So as many stories start: I fell for my best
friend. We all have done it, but why? Is this the same reason a
straight boy and a straight girl cannot be purely platonic? It is
ridiculous that Hollywood tells us this can be our own personal happy
ending. But in reality, the situation sucks and there is no comic
relief. So how do I stop? How do I turn my more than friends feeling
‘off’? No I don’t want to know if she likes me too. That would make it
even worse. She could and then our mismatched excess baggage will
inevitably close the chapter that is our friendship. Or she doesn’t and
my heart breaks into many many many shatters of what I secretly want so
badly: to be with her. But oh yes, the optimistic in every romantic
fool: we are a perfect match. Honestly? Honestly. When does that ever
really happen? I have a 66% chance of pain and heartbreak, what would
posses me to stay in this current emotional state?
So what happened you ask? She is amazing. In the most damaged sense of the word. And for the past two years she has been in my life it turned from lust to crush to…
We met through a friend at a bar (sounds promising right?). Yes. She was talking to him… I spotted her through the crowded smoke filled karaoke dive bar and was… well… I was getting in those pants tonight. She said “hey, you’re cute. Why don’t you ditch your friends and come with us to the drag show.” And I said, “Hey, you’re cute. Okay.” And thus our romantic train wreck begins. She asked to kiss me somewhere amongst the techno music of this town’s only gay club. We ran into the girl she made out with the day before. And we kissed some more. We went to another trendy dance club with not-so-many homos and kissed some more. Enter first male to have a crush on the same one I was becoming so fond of. Drinks were poured, shots were consumed, and the night ended with a very clear proposition of where she lived. And although yes, I have that reputation, I declined. For reasons I still can’t understand, I walked away with no number.
The very next day she could not stop talking about how awesome I am, because let’s face it, I so am. We went on a date that had so many cute moments it would make you gag. We flirted. We made out. We fooled around… for months. Then enter male interest number two. Oh did I mention an almost threesome with male number one that ended with me and girl cuddling in her bathroom, falling asleep to the sweet gentle kisses? Yeah, I turned down sex AGAIN, with the same breath taking woman!
So male interest became boyfriend and I became the friend. Ouch. But it was never like that. Okay maybe for the first week I was mopey. But then, every time we hung out, it just didn’t matter. I didn’t have to be kissing her to have a good time with her. The hanging out was less until their problems started. Then he was jealous of me. “He likes you because you’re awesome he is just jealous cause I told him about us.”
“US”?!?! So there was an “us”? I KNEW IT… okay I didn’t but I thought about it.
And in the time while I was strictly just a friend she became the one person in my life I could trust to not screw me over. She looked out for me. She was protective over me. She would drive me home or let me crash at her place when I was too far drunk. She was the perfect woman that stood before me that didn’t even know how beautiful she was.
After a little over a year, they broke up. And I was there, while she cried outside of work. With everyone and their mother asking her “what’s wrong?” And she cried harder each and every time that I wanted to tell them all to just leave her alone. And I told her “you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong. I’m just gonna sit here while you cry and when you are ready to say whatever it is you need to say, I will be right here”. And she did. We hung out more and more. We went to a theme party and drank and danced and in the restroom, she kissed me. My head reeled. My knees were weak. The ground spun (but honestly I think that was the liquor). And when we dropped her off she kissed me good night. AND WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT AGAIN. We hung out a lot more. I helped her with her projects and she called me amazing on a daily basis. She called me baby and my heart stopped each time. She would put her arms around me. She pulled me in to her during every conversation. She rubbed my leg even when she was talking to someone else. And her lips. She kissed me like I have never been kissed before, and I’ve kissed women. I have kissed beautiful, sexy, amazing, gorgeous women. She made me lose myself in her.
She asked me to go visit her hometown with her for her birthday and I was introduced to this whole separate world she had. She loved all these people that knew her, really knew her. That grew with her. That helped shape this amazing person I learned more about every day. And I was proud to be there with her. In this place that she was more herself because she didn’t have to feel judged or compelled to entertain. In that moment I knew, I had what I wanted. A person that meant so much to me and that I meant so much to. She was, she is, my best friend, and I am completely thankful for that fact.
And then the trouble starts:
Enter male interest number 3 (wow am I understanding this whole prejudice thing against bisexuals). I didn’t even notice it at first. I met him, I was around him. There was nothing I saw that would have led me to believe there was something going on with the two of them. And friends weren’t helping. They fed my fantasy of a relationship while I said “I don’t want a relationship” more times that I’m sure people thought that was my name. “Oh I think she likes you”, “oh you two should get together”, “and oh you two aren’t dating yet?” “Oh….”, “oh….”, “oh…”
I did all the cute things for her. Bought her cute things just because they reminded me of her. Cooked. Installed a new car stereo for her birthday by surprise. I moved closer to her (no not because of my feelings for her, but because it’s a kick *** location!), and me second job is near her second job, not to mention my first job is near her first job. Like literally, 4 stores down. So we started hanging out even more, if that was possible. Saw each other every day. People started inviting us places as a couple because it was already understood that we never were far from each other.
So the exact day, I remember it well. I seemed to be getting the cold shoulder. I sent her a text asking a basic question, I got a one word text. I sent another text, another single word. I told her of an invite to an impromptu beach get together. I got nothing. So finally I send my last effort “woman I will blow up your phone with ice ice baby lyrics don’t test me”. And she called. The beach was an awesome idea for her to get away for a bit. But before she hung up the phone after I gave her the details of where to meet, she says “I just have a lot of bs going on right now”. My heart sank. I couldn’t bear the thought of her not being happy. So I was gonna be the friend, once again, and put off the whole what-the-hell-are-we conversation. And then she says it, while everyone else is in the store buying beer or whatever, “…and I’ve been messing around with *bleep*…” and she stops, looks at me for a reaction, which I give her none, and the rest of our company is back. So starts the awkward trend of back track. She says she regrets it, she says she isn’t going to do it anymore; she says she doesn’t want it getting out. She says…. And I’m here trying to be her best friend while my heart is hurting but I do it for her.
And enters her new roommate, and longtime friend she had lost contact with. He is such a good guy. A few days after he moves here and a friend comes to visit me, we all go out for drinks. Where we get drunk and she, again, starts kissing me. For an hour! But that’s not the part that has kept me up at night for the past two months. It’s this: she says, in between kisses that I tried to pull away from but she wouldn’t let me, “I don’t have to be drunk to kiss you, I want to be kissing you all the time.” She said I was like her girlfriend. She called us a couple that makes out in bars. She said all this. She said it drunk. And again, when her new roommate calls me because he found her passed out after taking a knife and razors to her leg… I put off the conversation again. AGAIN!!!
The past two months have been hell. I literally don’t think I can take too much more bad news. One of my best friends killed herself. My grandfather dies. Both my best friends since I was in pre-k bailed out on me, only one with good reason. I can’t sleep without someone in bed next to me, which causes the frequent one night stand. And he is the one in her bed almost every night. It goes on and on. But when I’m with her, the world is finally calm. I can breathe, I can feel, I can be me. She was there, by my side through it all. And the thing that makes her my best friend is the thing that makes me fall for her even more and resent her for doing it. I pick fights with her. I get drunk and say stupid things. I have tried my very best to push this woman away and she won’t go and I just don’t understand why. She loves me. I know that.
But how do I only love her a certain way. How do I just be friends with someone that I want to be waking up next to each morning? The one I wish nothing but happiness for and hates when she is sad. I love her. For all reasons I wish I didn’t I truly fell hard in love with her. So I know what I need to do. I need to distance myself. I need to not need her so much. I need to turn my back on my best friend to save my own heart. But really, if I have put her first each and every time, what makes me think I can be selfish this time? I can’t, because the truth is, I would rather my heart break into millions of pieces then to ever hurt her.
So what happened you ask? She is amazing. In the most damaged sense of the word. And for the past two years she has been in my life it turned from lust to crush to…
We met through a friend at a bar (sounds promising right?). Yes. She was talking to him… I spotted her through the crowded smoke filled karaoke dive bar and was… well… I was getting in those pants tonight. She said “hey, you’re cute. Why don’t you ditch your friends and come with us to the drag show.” And I said, “Hey, you’re cute. Okay.” And thus our romantic train wreck begins. She asked to kiss me somewhere amongst the techno music of this town’s only gay club. We ran into the girl she made out with the day before. And we kissed some more. We went to another trendy dance club with not-so-many homos and kissed some more. Enter first male to have a crush on the same one I was becoming so fond of. Drinks were poured, shots were consumed, and the night ended with a very clear proposition of where she lived. And although yes, I have that reputation, I declined. For reasons I still can’t understand, I walked away with no number.
The very next day she could not stop talking about how awesome I am, because let’s face it, I so am. We went on a date that had so many cute moments it would make you gag. We flirted. We made out. We fooled around… for months. Then enter male interest number two. Oh did I mention an almost threesome with male number one that ended with me and girl cuddling in her bathroom, falling asleep to the sweet gentle kisses? Yeah, I turned down sex AGAIN, with the same breath taking woman!
So male interest became boyfriend and I became the friend. Ouch. But it was never like that. Okay maybe for the first week I was mopey. But then, every time we hung out, it just didn’t matter. I didn’t have to be kissing her to have a good time with her. The hanging out was less until their problems started. Then he was jealous of me. “He likes you because you’re awesome he is just jealous cause I told him about us.”
“US”?!?! So there was an “us”? I KNEW IT… okay I didn’t but I thought about it.
And in the time while I was strictly just a friend she became the one person in my life I could trust to not screw me over. She looked out for me. She was protective over me. She would drive me home or let me crash at her place when I was too far drunk. She was the perfect woman that stood before me that didn’t even know how beautiful she was.
After a little over a year, they broke up. And I was there, while she cried outside of work. With everyone and their mother asking her “what’s wrong?” And she cried harder each and every time that I wanted to tell them all to just leave her alone. And I told her “you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong. I’m just gonna sit here while you cry and when you are ready to say whatever it is you need to say, I will be right here”. And she did. We hung out more and more. We went to a theme party and drank and danced and in the restroom, she kissed me. My head reeled. My knees were weak. The ground spun (but honestly I think that was the liquor). And when we dropped her off she kissed me good night. AND WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT AGAIN. We hung out a lot more. I helped her with her projects and she called me amazing on a daily basis. She called me baby and my heart stopped each time. She would put her arms around me. She pulled me in to her during every conversation. She rubbed my leg even when she was talking to someone else. And her lips. She kissed me like I have never been kissed before, and I’ve kissed women. I have kissed beautiful, sexy, amazing, gorgeous women. She made me lose myself in her.
She asked me to go visit her hometown with her for her birthday and I was introduced to this whole separate world she had. She loved all these people that knew her, really knew her. That grew with her. That helped shape this amazing person I learned more about every day. And I was proud to be there with her. In this place that she was more herself because she didn’t have to feel judged or compelled to entertain. In that moment I knew, I had what I wanted. A person that meant so much to me and that I meant so much to. She was, she is, my best friend, and I am completely thankful for that fact.
And then the trouble starts:
Enter male interest number 3 (wow am I understanding this whole prejudice thing against bisexuals). I didn’t even notice it at first. I met him, I was around him. There was nothing I saw that would have led me to believe there was something going on with the two of them. And friends weren’t helping. They fed my fantasy of a relationship while I said “I don’t want a relationship” more times that I’m sure people thought that was my name. “Oh I think she likes you”, “oh you two should get together”, “and oh you two aren’t dating yet?” “Oh….”, “oh….”, “oh…”
I did all the cute things for her. Bought her cute things just because they reminded me of her. Cooked. Installed a new car stereo for her birthday by surprise. I moved closer to her (no not because of my feelings for her, but because it’s a kick *** location!), and me second job is near her second job, not to mention my first job is near her first job. Like literally, 4 stores down. So we started hanging out even more, if that was possible. Saw each other every day. People started inviting us places as a couple because it was already understood that we never were far from each other.
So the exact day, I remember it well. I seemed to be getting the cold shoulder. I sent her a text asking a basic question, I got a one word text. I sent another text, another single word. I told her of an invite to an impromptu beach get together. I got nothing. So finally I send my last effort “woman I will blow up your phone with ice ice baby lyrics don’t test me”. And she called. The beach was an awesome idea for her to get away for a bit. But before she hung up the phone after I gave her the details of where to meet, she says “I just have a lot of bs going on right now”. My heart sank. I couldn’t bear the thought of her not being happy. So I was gonna be the friend, once again, and put off the whole what-the-hell-are-we conversation. And then she says it, while everyone else is in the store buying beer or whatever, “…and I’ve been messing around with *bleep*…” and she stops, looks at me for a reaction, which I give her none, and the rest of our company is back. So starts the awkward trend of back track. She says she regrets it, she says she isn’t going to do it anymore; she says she doesn’t want it getting out. She says…. And I’m here trying to be her best friend while my heart is hurting but I do it for her.
And enters her new roommate, and longtime friend she had lost contact with. He is such a good guy. A few days after he moves here and a friend comes to visit me, we all go out for drinks. Where we get drunk and she, again, starts kissing me. For an hour! But that’s not the part that has kept me up at night for the past two months. It’s this: she says, in between kisses that I tried to pull away from but she wouldn’t let me, “I don’t have to be drunk to kiss you, I want to be kissing you all the time.” She said I was like her girlfriend. She called us a couple that makes out in bars. She said all this. She said it drunk. And again, when her new roommate calls me because he found her passed out after taking a knife and razors to her leg… I put off the conversation again. AGAIN!!!
The past two months have been hell. I literally don’t think I can take too much more bad news. One of my best friends killed herself. My grandfather dies. Both my best friends since I was in pre-k bailed out on me, only one with good reason. I can’t sleep without someone in bed next to me, which causes the frequent one night stand. And he is the one in her bed almost every night. It goes on and on. But when I’m with her, the world is finally calm. I can breathe, I can feel, I can be me. She was there, by my side through it all. And the thing that makes her my best friend is the thing that makes me fall for her even more and resent her for doing it. I pick fights with her. I get drunk and say stupid things. I have tried my very best to push this woman away and she won’t go and I just don’t understand why. She loves me. I know that.
But how do I only love her a certain way. How do I just be friends with someone that I want to be waking up next to each morning? The one I wish nothing but happiness for and hates when she is sad. I love her. For all reasons I wish I didn’t I truly fell hard in love with her. So I know what I need to do. I need to distance myself. I need to not need her so much. I need to turn my back on my best friend to save my own heart. But really, if I have put her first each and every time, what makes me think I can be selfish this time? I can’t, because the truth is, I would rather my heart break into millions of pieces then to ever hurt her.
Submitted by
amalilangel (5 posts)
on July 6, 2009 - 6:29am.