LESBIAN JOKES...

looking at porn and magic spells with my two best friends.

JOKE:

Q: Why are lesbians cannabals?

A: Because they eat each other out!

Q: Why do gay guys like balloons?

A: Because they love to blow!

Cuz they eat each other out.... hahaha reminds me of what Tim said to Jenny about Marina... "So you guys went from talking... to letting her eat you out?"

"It is easier to disintegrate an atom than human stupidity"-A. Einstein

O' Horny Dyke

(To the tune of "O Holy Night")

O horny Dyke, riding on a Harley
With chrome exhaust and the front wheel chopped.
Ride through the night, roaring down the highway
Through quiet towns whose sad silence is stopped.

In leather chaps to match her leather jacket
And polished boots she blazes into town.
Fall on your knees! And worship Mistress Harley!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke -- Dyke on a bike!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke, O horny Dyke!

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Current Rating: 3.31

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young womans legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am." The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away." The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real."

Current Rating: 3.19

Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:
"Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
"Love - Mum"

Current Rating: 3.04

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.

One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her, and says:
"I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"

Current Rating: 3.01

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says "had a tough day?"

The man replied "yeah I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says "another bad day?"

The man replied "yeah i just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said "Man doesn't anybody in your family like women.

The man then replied "yeah, My wife"

Current Rating: 2.97

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ’M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love."

The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks.

"My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love," she says.

The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ’M’ on her chest.

"Let me guess," the doctor says. "Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?"

"No," the patient replies, "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

http://www.afterellen.com/node/53055

If you like women's tennis go here!

Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A: see you next month

*lol...hope that atleast got some smiles*    :)

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny Femme Lesbians in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny Butch Lesbians in little fur coats

"It is easier to disintegrate an atom than human stupidity"-A. Einstein

Couple of short ones. :)

What does a lesbian have when she sticks her tongue out??

-- A hard on.

What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?

-- Well Hung.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus 

that was definitely what i was gonna say  lol

but here's my back up...

What do you call two lesbians on their period?

.... finger painting

>_<
lol

These are all very cute.

How do you call a lesbian in space?

Alien Degeneres. 

He joked at a Human Rights Campaign dinner that he had asked organizers to pay him for his speech by "send[ing] a girl to my room. And they did. But she turned out to be a lesbian. Great! Next time you do that, could you at least send two?"

This was said by Al Franken. Thought it was pretty funny.

Hahaha these are brilliant, some I've heard before but still love them dearly =P

The following is more stand-up than proper jokes but still..=) :

My mother asked me: "Now you're a lesbian, are you going to be a vegetarian too?" I said no - I'm just one of those people who don't believe you can be vegetarian AND eat fish...

Discovering I'm gay was tough. Well, not gay, I'm bi, which I think means: "by the end of the night, I'm not fussy!"

In a revealing new interview with the New York Times, best selling author Suze Orman outs herself as a lesbian and a 55 year old virgin.

Suze admits that "I have never been with a man my whole life," even though she regularly gives married couples counseling on her CNBC show.

So now the verdict is out; Suze has lots of advice, but she doesn't know dick.

Haha!

why cant lesbians put on makeup and be on a diet

You cant eat Jenny Craig wiith Mary Kay on your face

A lesbian is sitting next to 2 straight girls on an international flight.

Straight girl (SG) #1 asks SG#2: What did you do last night?

SG#2: My boyfriend made love to me ALL night. In the morning, he came and gave me breakfast and bed and said he'd love me forever. What did you do last night?

SG#1: My boyfriend made love to me all night. In the morning he brought me breakfast in bed and said he'd never leave me for another woman.

The lesbian had been silent the whole time. They ask her if she made love to her girlfriend last night. She nods. They then ask her what she said in the morning.

The lesbian replied: 'Don't stop'.

A: Single!

not really a "joke" but the other night i'm laying there with my girl and out of the blue i ask her "did you ever realize how vaginas are like snowflakes? no two are exactly alike but they're all wet on your tongue." maybe you hafta be half dead from exhaustion and dizzy from good sex but we def had a few giggles :)

What's the difference between a Ritz and Lesbian?

 One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker

One night a son went to his father and said "Dad can I talk to you for a minute?"

Father: Ok son, what's going on?
Son: Dad, I'm gay.
*The father is shocked, but takes a deep breath and says*
Father: It's ok son, I love you no matter what.
*Son hugs his father, relieved*
Son: Thank you Dad!

Later that night the father's second son comes to him.

Son2: Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
Father: ...Ok son, what's going on?
Son2: Dad, I'm gay.
Father: What? Both of you?! I can't believe it! Doesn't ANYBODY in this house sleep with women anymore?!!

His daughter walks by... Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?...

Did You Hear Rosis O'Donnell Died??

They Found Her Face Down, In Ricki Lake....