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Home » Forum » Advice (Dear AE...) » General Advice » It's all so complicated...how do I get over her?

It's all so complicated...how do I get over her?

I apologize in advance because I know already that this will turn into a huge, long ramble-y mess of emotions and confusion.

Okay, I'm seventeen and I am still figuring things out, I am still discovering things about myself, I am still not sure who I am exactly, but I have just recently come to terms with the fact that I am most likely gay. I'd had a lot of suspicions as I entered middle school and high school, considering the idea but mostly just ignoring it because I am from such a conservative area. As I am getting closer to heading off to college, though, I am more and more so getting comfortable with it and I hope it only gets better. For myself, at least...if that makes sense.

I've been poking around the site for awhile, trying to figure some things out for myself, but I feel like my situation is such a ridiculous/lame one, I had to post something for myself and, hopefully, get at least -some- positive reassurance that I'm not a total goober. Or at least someone to tell me that I am, in fact, a total goober and I should give it up already.

There's this girl. Woman. Definitely, definitely a woman. She's absolutely beautiful. She's athletic, a nationally acclaimed yoga instructor, an award winning modern dance choreographer, the definition of a modern day, old school style b-girl. Toned, muscular, flexible, lean. Naturally tan with freckles all over, the most adorable dimples, big brown eyes that catch your attention no matter what she's saying. She's got a sexy, low, raspy voice and a biting sense of humor. She makes me laugh and has the most contagious cackle I have ever heard. She's hardcore and headstrong, she knows how to get what she wants and I love that. She loves watching movies and quoting them at inappropriate times, just like I do. We have a friendly relationship, we make jokes and chill out. She calls me beautiful, a word I never have had anyone use to describe me before her. She seems to make an extra effort to put her hands on my shoulders or wink at me when we're talking in a group, we always seem to have little moments, as if we're the only two people in the room. I love spending time with her and I am absolutely smitten. I can't stop thinking about her. She's her own kind of lady. She makes me feel special.

Trouble is...she's twice my age.

I feel like that nullifies everything I feel for her. It makes me feel stupid for feeling all the things I wish she felt for me, all the things she could never feel for a dorky seventeen year old. Is it just an extreme adoration? Is it love or romance at all? Is it just puppy love that I should just put behind me? Am I absolutely ridiculous for even putting so much thought into this? I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop feeling this way, how to get it behind me, how to put it past me and just let us be "friends". I catch my self staring and daydreaming and hoping more than I care to admit. It's been going on for such a long time, I couldn't even tell you when it all began. I've had crushes before, I've been hurt and let down and rejected before but I haven't ever felt "this way" before. I feel like ...I love her, or, at least, something like it and I really just want it to stop.

How do I get over her?
‹ Caution: Complicated Feelings turning her down gently? ›
Submitted by
Lizz (3 posts)
on April 6, 2009 - 12:35am.
TAGS :: 

Anonymous's picture

Unless you live somewhere

Submitted by
Anonymous
on April 6, 2009 - 1:24am.
where the laws are a lot more relaxed than they are here, until you reach 18. Stay away from her, or you could get her in a lot of trouble which I'm sure you do not want to do. Secondly if she is one of your teachers, she can still get in trouble after you do turn 18. She may very well have feelings for you that are not necessarily what you think they are. She may have seen a young woman that she thought needed a little ego boost or you may be completely right in your assement of the situation. Whatever it is, do you want to take the chance and possibly get her in trouble (possibly in jail)?
music_lover's picture

Hope this helps

Submitted by
music_lover (24 posts)
on April 6, 2009 - 1:26am.
I really don't think that age is a big thing. As long as its not illegal, its fine. But you have to ask yourself
Do you know if she is bi / lesbian? 
If not, is she plugged into the culture? Do you see a yellow Equal symbol on a blue background --> 
Human Rights Campaign icon, promoting equality for everyone
 
 sticker on her car, or has she talked to someone you know about Prop 8 or something like that? (If she has, and you tell her you like her, she may just turn you down, and not make a big deal about of it. )

Lizz's picture

I think I can safely say she

Submitted by
Lizz (3 posts)
on April 6, 2009 - 8:34am.
I think I can safely say she is (at least) bi. I know she's been in relationships, or something like them, with women before. She hasn't been in any sort of relationship since I've known her, though, so I can't really say if that is something that is a part of her or were just flukes or what.
LivexForever's picture

Well...

Submitted by
LivexForever (55 posts)
on April 6, 2009 - 3:48am.

First of all I've got to admit she sounds lovely and I can see why you would fall for her. But yeah it does sound a little complicated?

I mean do you know for fact that she is bi or gay? Or is there a pretty good chance she is? Because she may really like you as a friend but may not even be attracted to womean. If she is attracted to women though then I'd say she's maybe into you then again maybe she's being friendly because she probably wouldn't hit on someone without knowing their sexual oreientation first. Then theres the whole you being under 18 if she does like you. Well yanow aslong as it's not crazily public, I don't think it would be the most serious of things stopping the relationship. So yeah ... probably didn't help there sorry. 

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are" - Kurt Cobain

Shannon's picture

Oh, this is sticky

Submitted by
Shannon (700 posts)
on April 6, 2009 - 7:16am.

I do agree with a lot of what has been previously posted on this thread, however...

Slow down and think about a few things:  

1.  You're 17 and excuse me if I'm wrong, you'll be off to college, or the military, or any number of things soon.  Your life is just now beginning while hers is on the go but also settled in it's ways.  

2.  Age is a number, but maturity and life experience counts for a lot in balancing out the connection and communication issues.  I know this from personal experience in being the "older" of a relationship (though not quite that much older!)  

3.  She may see all your potential, and that's an easy thing to become infatuated with.  Or just find attractive.  Take her compliments and know she means them, but understand you're in very different life spaces right now going in different directions at different speeds.

So, that in mind how do you "get over it".  Time.  Being open to other possibilities.  Knowing that "not now" doesn't mean "not ever".  Live your life, make your choices according to what's best for you.  If she happens to be involved in that, or even close to it, great.  If not, there really are other fish in the sea.  Try to develop the potential she sees in you.  If she sees it, I'm sure others will as well.

I'm sorry I'm not giving you the giant green light to pursue this person.  And if it comes across as me raining on your parade, it's not intended to hurt.  But I encourage you to think long and hard about the consequences for both of you if you pursue something.  

~Without risk, there can be no innovation.  Without innovation, there can be no advancement. ~

Lizz's picture

Don't worry,

Submitted by
Lizz (3 posts)
on April 6, 2009 - 8:37am.
I didn't see you as raining on my parade, I'm not hurt in any way. I asked for help, I have no clue what I'm trying to do anymore. I appreciate your advice, you've definitely given me somethings to think about that I really think, or at least hope, with help me figure it out and decide what I'm (and she's) really feeling.
Anonymous's picture

OK

Submitted by
Anonymous
on April 6, 2009 - 2:10pm.

To paraphrase a "Friends" quote, Over her? When were you under her? I apologize if this seems crude, but my point is: Why worry so much about getting over someone you haven't thoroughly pursued. Yes, you're 17 and thats in the grey area of what is apra pro in the consent department...but as far as I see thats a direction for her moral compass to point.  All you have to worry about is:

Can you handle it if her feelings arent the same as yours, or at least not enough so to get past any cradle-robbing trepidations? Secondly, would you be Ok being with her, knowing it may not go anywhere? You are at very different places in your respective lives and that will probably cripple any shot at a long-term, meaningful love affair (which is I'm sure what youre hoping for.) However, since your still figuring things out, would you be willing to have some initial experiences with someone you genuinely care for, even if its just a fling? I think these are really the worst case scenarios for you. If you're all right with either, then I say, "go for it." Do a little flirting, test the waters, and if all else fails have an honest chat with her.


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