A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's just really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days ... you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee ... (hardly seems worth a try)
If you farted consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to creat the energy of an atomic bomb (wow ! now that's more like it)
A pigs orgasm lasts 30 mins ... (in my next life I wanna be a pig!)
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death (kewl ... althou' I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (maybe try this at work-ya might get a leave of absence)
The maile praying'mantis cannot copulate while it's head is attached to it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off ... *evil grin*
A flea can jump 350 times it's body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field ... (can you imagine 30 freakin' minutes ? lucky pig!)
A catfish has over 27,000 taste bugs ...
some lions mate over 50 times a day (still wanna be a pig in my next life, quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet ...
the strongest muscle in the body is the tongue ... (yay)
Elephants are the only animals that connot jump (isn't that a good thing?)
A cat's urine glows under a black light ...
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain ... (poor soul)
Starfish have no brains
Polar bears are left handed ...
humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure ... (c'mon you can't tell me the pig aint havin' sum pleasure ...;o)-
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
**This is how it manifests: ** ** **I decide to water my garden. ** ** **As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. ** ** **As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. ** ** **I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. ** ** **I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. ** ** **So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. ** ** ** **But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage ! anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. ** ** **I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. ** ** **My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. ** ** **I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. ** ** **The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. ** ** **As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. ** ** **I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
**I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. ** ** **I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. ** ** **I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. ** ** **I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. ** ** **So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. ** ** **Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. ** ** ** **At the end of the day: ** ** **- The car isn't washed ** ** **- The bills aren't paid ** ** **- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter ** ** **- The flowers don't have enough water, ** ** **- There is still only 1 check in my check book, ** ** **- I can't find the remote, ** ** **- I can't find my glasses, ** ** **- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. ** ** **Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. ** ** **I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. ** ** **Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to. ** ** **Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
<^^>`~`~`~
"I wasn't kissing her ... I was just whispering in her mouth" --- chico marx
Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read: "Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now." "Love - Mum"
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
Rule 2. No matter how expensive silicone is these days, it is NOT acceptable to recycle sex toys with your new girlfriend. Make a rule, new chick, new stick
Rule 3. Grow it, trim it, Grow it, trim it
Rule 4. when fucking in the washroom of a club or bar, do it right and come quick - There's a queue full of girls out there with bladders full of Bud
Rule 5. If you can't get her name right in bed, don't try. There is no rule that says you have to. (check other pages for full rule lists)
Rule 6. Don't assume you're going to be moving into her house after one date. Consider whether your place might be better for you both.
Rule 7: Lesbian Bed Death. It exists, beware.
Rule 8 Single girls, don’t go teasing the couples about their Lesbian Bed Death. They may not have it and you will just look like a bitter singleton tit.
Rule 9 The notion of the no strings Fuck Buddy. You’ll do it. We all do in the end. But be warned. We are women…strings, strings, can’t mooove for the strings!
Rule 10 When FuckBuddies go Bad. Run, run for the hills. She knows where you sleep. A change of town may well be in order.
Rule 11 If you are really going to shake your stuff and be a player for a while, be sure not to shag a queendyke superbitch with contacts. It goes wrong…you go on the big ol’ lesbian blacklist. See further rules to seek codification of the big ol’ lesbian blacklist.
Rule 12 To go down, or not to go down…..? Go down!
Rule 13 Sex in public. So long as you avoid the stock room option on sales day (personal experience speaking here) it’s allll goooooood.!
Rule 14 Making the kinky movie of you and Ms X doing the mammary mammba may well seem like a perfectly raunch ridden concept pre-cum. But girls, there are certain things in life you should not witness. One, is your parents having sex. The other is YOU having sex!
Rule 15 I bet you have a friend that you ‘just end up snogging a lot’. Show me a dyke who hasn’t had this scenario (over and over again) and I’ll show you a fibber. The problem with this ‘problem’ is that it can end in the most horrendous or the most fabulous consequences…so take a big ol’ breath, jump in and be advised. The water can get coooooooold….but it can also get hott!
Straight girls, tough issues
It may seem, in some circumstances, like a great idea to go and get yourself some straight girl friends...
Rule 1: They know an awful lot about moisturiser and want to be your friend. They may be work colleagues. or even feminists. 'alternatives' or what have you. But beware, girls. They are still from another planet - it could all end in tears
Rule 2: If your straight friend gets pissed and wants to know 'what you do', be extremely cautious before answering. This is usually a precursor to 'I've never thought about it before' and then 'We could just do it once, so you could show me'. This will definitely end in tears - hers, yours and probably her boyfriend's.
Rule 3: If you must take them to a gay bar, be sure to explain to them that 'turning' our homo alpha males is not acceptable. They may look like Greek Gods but it's only because the regional heat of Mr. Gay UK is on tonight. And they're trying to pull. Men. Not women. (You may have to repeat this one)
Rule 4: While straight women find cock talk liberating, it's not something that should be encouraged. Tell them you would prefer them to keep their cocks at home. They may ask to see / touch / feel yours - do not do this under any circumstances. Friends and sex toys do not mix. (See rule 2)
> Confession.! > > > > "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". > > The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" > > "Yes, Father, it is." > > "And who was the girl you were with?" > > "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." > > "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you > > may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" > > "I cannot say." > > "Was it Teresa Volpe?" > > "I'll never tell." > > "Was it Nina Capelli?" > > "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." > > "Was it Cathy Piriano?" > > "My lips are sealed." > > "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" > > "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." > > The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny > > Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You > > cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave > > yourself." > > Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and > > whispers, "What'd you get?" > > "4 months vacation and five good leads."
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman" - Virginia Woolf
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ’Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ And she said, "Take a sweater..."
Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.
One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her, and says:
"I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
She screams back, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked
"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can sit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman" - Virginia Woolf
Superman was talking to Aquaman one day. He said he was flying over a deserted island and looked down and saw Wonder Woman laying naked in the sand. "I decided I would strip off all my clothes, swoop down for a quicky and she would never even know what hit her." To which Aquaman exclaimed "Well, geez Superman! Wonder Woman musta been mighty surprised when you swooped down on her like that!" "OH, she was." said Superman nervously. "But she was not near as surprised as the Invisible Man."
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
Menopause Jewelry My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be Able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it Turns green When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big Fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass
If you are like me, an Asian female, you know that you’ll always get pulled over by the police, like every single fucking second.
Why?
Because Asian people just CAN’T fucking DRIVE!
We don’t use turn signals.
We leave the blinkers on.
We cut you in the front then give you the dirty eyes.
and…..
We can’t freaking understand ENGLISH!
Being an Asian driver is just precarious enough for the society, now, being a female one! Oh All Might! Help us, just fucking pray!
We run over anything and everything, dead or alive! A squirrel or a freaking mattress on the freeway!
But somehow we, the Asian females, always manage to get away with the tickets.
Ha….
This is how we do it:
Officer (usually is a Caucasian dude): License and registration, please.
Asian female: me? Oh? No.. no..no..ME NO ENGLISH (classy act).
If there is a passenger next to her, she will start speaking some Asian language to that passenger: Shin Tu Don Do, Me Ma Fookie Fookie Holla MA MA.
Officer: Fuck, not another one. Li-cen-se and re-gi-s-tra-tion.
Now, the Asian female is winking at the officer non-stop and keeps saying ME NO ENGLISH.
Officer: FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Usually the officer will let her go at this point because he just does not want to deal with another William Hung singing She BANGs SHE BANG!
But some officers will continue his efforts of enforcing the TRAFFIC laws.
Officer: Fuck, I do not care if you understand English or not. You are in the USA, and I am giving you this ticket no matter what! FUCK!
Now, this is the final strike!
Asian Female: Oh … Offisa…oh..hehe..hehe… fook ?? FOOKy! Oh…me so hoony( horny), too. Oh..Oh..Hehehehe… Two dolla! No! Hehehe…. One dolla .. Me make yoo bery bery happie. One Dolla, no ti-kate( ticket), me holla holla, yoo fooky fooking!
Now, the officer fo suo, will storm off with his patrol car!
I was at this lesbian chat room, and one of the lovely femme wrote: I am a girly looking woman, but I have a dude personality. That is why guys always hit on me, and it is super annoying. Another adorable butch responded: guys will like anything with a hole. I then wrote: That is why men LOVE DONUTS! Donuts are multi-functional. For men, donuts are eatable and FOOKABLE with HOLES.........Just think about American Pie! I am pretty sure a man wrote the movie.
A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.
The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young womans legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.
The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am." The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away." The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real."
ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
> >
> > >
> >
> > >A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after
> >
> > >work cocktail with her girlfriends when an
> >
> > >exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
> >
> > >middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
> >
> > >woman could not take her eyes off him.
> >
> > >
> >
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
> >
> > >
> >
> > >
> >
> > >Before she could offer her apologies for staring
> >
> > >so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
> >
> > >do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
> >
> > >do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
> >
> > >condition."
> >
> > >Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
> >
> > >was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
> >
> > >want me to do in just three words."
> >
> >
> > >The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
> >
> > >and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
> >
> > >which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
> >
> > >address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
> >
> > >and meaningfully said....
> > >
> >
> > >"Clean my house."
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
I'd rather have my nipples chewed off by a pack of wild dogs.
I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose until the back of his head caves in.
I'd rather wipe my ass with a cheese grater.
I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch slapped by a fat, mustached Greek named Spyros.
I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine and piss on a forest fire.
I'd rather suck cow snot through a straw.
I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle in the nude.
I'd rather bungee jump with the harness tied to my penis with your mother lying naked in the landing zone.
I would rather dry hump a polar bear in a phone booth.
I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back and then find out it's the wrong one.
I'd rather cram my penis in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.
I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter - and not a twist off either.
I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer and then wear wool socks in August.
I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass after he just finished taking a wet, nasty dump.
I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs with a dull barber's razor and no water or soap.
I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.
I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.
I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake in a phone booth.
I'd rather nail my penis to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire and try to get loose with a butter knife.
I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile.
I would rather have blow Pee Wee Herman in daylight, after he just whacked off in a movie theater without a bag to put over his head.
I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank of the 700 pound man next door.
I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.
I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis then tie it in a knot.
I'd rather lick the undigested corn from a crusty elephant's ass.
I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.
I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert with snapping turtles clamped to my salty nipples.
I'd rather be tied to a chair and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital
advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he
said, "and don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes!"
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today, and when he visited one of the 4th grade classes, they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy."
"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the President. "That we would call a great loss."
The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer.
President Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well, " said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach. He picks it up and
suddenly a female genie appears.
"Master, I can grant you one wish," says the genie.
"Hey, bitch . . . don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman
givin' me nuttin'," yells Rodman.
The genie pleads, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks for a moment . . . grumbles about the inconvenience and
says, "Okay, okay . . . I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in
the morning."
Giving the genie an evil glare he says, "Just do it, and leave me
alone."
The genie, who was annoyed and hurt, says, "So be it!" and disappears
back into the bottle.
The next morning, Dennis wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tanya Harding,
and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has
no health insurance.
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
Men can't pack a bag.
Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the"Teletubbies," because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for years.
*** Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
*** Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy -- who, it's worth noting, has a lisp. Has a history of kissing Elmer Fudd on the lips
*** Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck-sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
*** Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
*** Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
*** Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes.
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!...
"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
"since it was late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
After retiring, a man went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
was very sorry, but would have to go home and come back later. The
woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So he opened his shirt revealing
his curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application. When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should
have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
*A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school
reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table. His wife asked,'Do you know
her?' 'Yes,' he sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said his wife, 'Who
would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
* I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He
stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one
are you?'
*********************************************************************************************
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her
cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire? ' had reached the
final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the
million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its
own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
;o)
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"I wasn't kissing her ... I was just whispering in her mouth" --- chico marx
ROFLMAO
That's hysterical! Best joke I've heard in a while... *Runs away to post it in LiveJournal*
"Be open. Come out. Keep fighting. This is the only way to move anything." --Eigil Axgil
;o)-
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days ... you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee ... (hardly seems worth a try)
If you farted consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to creat the energy of an atomic bomb (wow ! now that's more like it)
A pigs orgasm lasts 30 mins ... (in my next life I wanna be a pig!)
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death (kewl ... althou' I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (maybe try this at work-ya might get a leave of absence)
The maile praying'mantis cannot copulate while it's head is attached to it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off ... *evil grin*
A flea can jump 350 times it's body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field ... (can you imagine 30 freakin' minutes ? lucky pig!)
A catfish has over 27,000 taste bugs ...
some lions mate over 50 times a day (still wanna be a pig in my next life, quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet ...
the strongest muscle in the body is the tongue ... (yay)
Elephants are the only animals that connot jump (isn't that a good thing?)
A cat's urine glows under a black light ...
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain ... (poor soul)
Starfish have no brains
Polar bears are left handed ...
humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure ... (c'mon you can't tell me the pig aint havin' sum pleasure ...;o)-
<^^>`~`~`~
rofl..
My goodness i love you..this was like the funniest ever..hahahahaa yep...i want to be a pig too:]
Sorry,No signature here.
just passin' on what I get
just passin' on what I get ...
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
**This is how it manifests:
** **
**I decide to water my garden.
** **
**As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.
** **
**As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.
** **
**I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
** **
**I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.
** **
**So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first. **
** **
**But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage ! anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
** **
**I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1
check left.
** **
**My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
** **
**I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
** **
**The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.
** **
**As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.
** **
**I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
**I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.
** **
**I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
** **
**I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.
** **
**I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
** **
**So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.
** **
**Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do. **
** **
**At the end of the day:
** **
**- The car isn't washed
** **
**- The bills aren't paid
** **
**- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
** **
**- The flowers don't have enough water,
** **
**- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
** **
**- I can't find the remote,
** **
**- I can't find my glasses,
** **
**- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
** **
**Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
** **
**I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
** **
**Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
don't remember who I've sent it to.
** **
**Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
<^^>`~`~`~
"I wasn't kissing her ... I was just whispering in her mouth" --- chico marx
Jokes
Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:
"Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
"Love - Mum"
Hehe
I love the fact that she writes a letter! Sometimes you got to miss the good old days!
"The surface of the earth, is the coastline of the air" - Gerard Douhet
Det er én idiot mer i verden enn du tror. :)
jokes ... ;o)-
LoL @ ^
Subject: Help a drunk
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door........
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the
morning.'He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring rain outside!!.' His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three
months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain.He calls out into the dark, 'Hello! Are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'I'm Over here on the swing!!
<^^>`~`~`~
"I wasn't kissing her ... I was just whispering in her mouth" --- chico marx
phunnies ...
Thought for the day
"Handle every situation like a dog."
If you can't Eat it or Screw it ... Piss on it and Walk Away
<^^>`~`~`~
"I wasn't kissing her ... I was just whispering in her mouth" --- chico marx
jokes
Thought for the day
"Handle every situation like a dog."
If you can't Eat it or Screw it ... Piss on it and Walk Away
<^^>`~`~`~
"I wasn't kissing her ... I was just whispering in her mouth" --- chico marx
wonderful words to live by
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
Joke?
More of a horribly bad pick-up line.
My friend aksed me if this would work on me...
Idiot: Man I wish I had studied astrology in college.
Innocent: Why?
Idiot: Because I'd love to explore uranus.
jokes ...
Sex
Rule 1. Just do it. As often as you can.
Rule 2. No matter how expensive silicone is these days, it is NOT acceptable to recycle sex toys with your new girlfriend. Make a rule, new chick, new stick
Rule 3. Grow it, trim it, Grow it, trim it
Rule 4. when fucking in the washroom of a club or bar, do it right and come quick - There's a queue full of girls out there with bladders full of Bud
Rule 5. If you can't get her name right in bed, don't try. There is no rule that says you have to. (check other pages for full rule lists)
Rule 6. Don't assume you're going to be moving into her house after one date. Consider whether your place might be better for you both.
Rule 7: Lesbian Bed Death. It exists, beware.
Rule 8 Single girls, don’t go teasing the couples about their Lesbian Bed Death. They may not have it and you will just look like a bitter singleton tit.
Rule 9 The notion of the no strings Fuck Buddy. You’ll do it. We all do in the end. But be warned. We are women…strings, strings, can’t mooove for the strings!
Rule 10 When FuckBuddies go Bad. Run, run for the hills. She knows where you sleep. A change of town may well be in order.
Rule 11 If you are really going to shake your stuff and be a player for a while, be sure not to shag a queendyke superbitch with contacts. It goes wrong…you go on the big ol’ lesbian blacklist. See further rules to seek codification of the big ol’ lesbian blacklist.
Rule 12 To go down, or not to go down…..? Go down!
Rule 13 Sex in public. So long as you avoid the stock room option on sales day (personal experience speaking here) it’s allll goooooood.!
Rule 14 Making the kinky movie of you and Ms X doing the mammary mammba may well seem like a perfectly raunch ridden concept pre-cum. But girls, there are certain things in life you should not witness. One, is your parents having sex. The other is YOU having sex!
Rule 15 I bet you have a friend that you ‘just end up snogging a lot’. Show me a dyke who hasn’t had this scenario (over and over again) and I’ll show you a fibber. The problem with this ‘problem’ is that it can end in the most horrendous or the most fabulous consequences…so take a big ol’ breath, jump in and be advised. The water can get coooooooold….but it can also get hott!
Straight girls, tough issues
It may seem, in some circumstances, like a great idea to go and get yourself some straight girl friends...
Rule 1: They know an awful lot about moisturiser and want to be your friend. They may be work colleagues. or even feminists. 'alternatives' or what have you. But beware, girls. They are still from another planet - it could all end in tears
Rule 2: If your straight friend gets pissed and wants to know 'what you do', be extremely cautious before answering. This is usually a precursor to 'I've never thought about it before' and then 'We could just do it once, so you could show me'. This will definitely end in tears - hers, yours and probably her boyfriend's.
Rule 3: If you must take them to a gay bar, be sure to explain to them that 'turning' our homo alpha males is not acceptable. They may look like Greek Gods but it's only because the regional heat of Mr. Gay UK is on tonight. And they're trying to pull. Men. Not women. (You may have to repeat this one)
Rule 4: While straight women find cock talk liberating, it's not something that should be encouraged. Tell them you would prefer them to keep their cocks at home. They may ask to see / touch / feel yours - do not do this under any circumstances. Friends and sex toys do not mix. (See rule 2)
http://www.thecode.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/2.html
"I wasn't kissing her ... I was just whispering in her mouth" --- chico marx
Joke
> Confession.!
> >
> > "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
> > The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
> > "Yes, Father, it is."
> > "And who was the girl you were with?"
> > "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
> > "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
> > may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
> > "I cannot say."
> > "Was it Teresa Volpe?"
> > "I'll never tell."
> > "Was it Nina Capelli?"
> > "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
> > "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
> > "My lips are sealed."
> > "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
> > "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
> > The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
> > Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
> > cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
> > yourself."
> > Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
> > whispers, "What'd you get?"
> > "4 months vacation and five good leads."
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman" - Virginia Woolf
Joke
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ’Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ And she said, "Take a sweater..."
Jokes
One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her, and says:
"I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
She screams back, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"
joke
A man goes to a lawyer seeking divorce.
The lawyer tells him it will take $1500 to get started.
The man replies he doesn't have that kind of money. Crestfallen, he inquires why divorce is so expensive.
The lawyer replies, "Because it's worth it!"
Joke
MY FRIEND GAVE BIRTH AT 65.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked
"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can sit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman" - Virginia Woolf
How can you tell if a
How can you tell if a lesbian has been around?
She coughs up hairballs.JOKE!
computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away,
I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten
T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
Jokes.
Superman was talking to Aquaman one day. He said he was flying over a deserted island and looked down and saw Wonder Woman laying naked in the sand. "I decided I would strip off all my clothes, swoop down for a quicky and she would never even know what hit her." To which Aquaman exclaimed "Well, geez Superman! Wonder Woman musta been mighty surprised when you swooped down on her like that!" "OH, she was." said Superman nervously. "But she was not near as surprised as the Invisible Man."
Joke
"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Joke
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
joke
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
Able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
Turns green When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big Fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass
3 BIG reasons why I llllove Caucasian women
How do Asian females get away with traffic tickets?!
If you are like me, an Asian female, you know that you’ll always get pulled over by the police, like every single fucking second.
Why?
Because Asian people just CAN’T fucking DRIVE!
We don’t use turn signals.
We leave the blinkers on.
We cut you in the front then give you the dirty eyes.
and…..
We can’t freaking understand ENGLISH!
Being an Asian driver is just precarious enough for the society, now, being a female one! Oh All Might! Help us, just fucking pray!
We run over anything and everything, dead or alive! A squirrel or a freaking mattress on the freeway!
But somehow we, the Asian females, always manage to get away with the tickets.
Ha….
This is how we do it:
Officer (usually is a Caucasian dude): License and registration, please.
Asian female: me? Oh? No.. no..no..ME NO ENGLISH (classy act).
If there is a passenger next to her, she will start speaking some Asian language to that passenger: Shin Tu Don Do, Me Ma Fookie Fookie Holla MA MA.
Officer: Fuck, not another one. Li-cen-se and re-gi-s-tra-tion.
Now, the Asian female is winking at the officer non-stop and keeps saying ME NO ENGLISH.
Officer: FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Usually the officer will let her go at this point because he just does not want to deal with another William Hung singing She BANGs SHE BANG!
But some officers will continue his efforts of enforcing the TRAFFIC laws.
Officer: Fuck, I do not care if you understand English or not. You are in the USA, and I am giving you this ticket no matter what! FUCK!
Now, this is the final strike!
Asian Female: Oh … Offisa…oh..hehe..hehe… fook ?? FOOKy! Oh…me so hoony( horny), too. Oh..Oh..Hehehehe… Two dolla! No! Hehehe…. One dolla .. Me make yoo bery bery happie. One Dolla, no ti-kate( ticket), me holla holla, yoo fooky fooking!
Now, the officer fo suo, will storm off with his patrol car!
I am going down to the 18th level of hell!
why do men LOVE donuts?!
I was at this lesbian chat room, and one of the lovely femme wrote: I am a girly looking woman, but I have a dude personality. That is why guys always hit on me, and it is super annoying. Another adorable butch responded: guys will like anything with a hole. I then wrote: That is why men LOVE DONUTS! Donuts are multi-functional. For men, donuts are eatable and FOOKABLE with HOLES.........Just think about American Pie! I am pretty sure a man wrote the movie.
I am going to hell, lol
Jokes
Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. side of her inner thigh.
============================================================
A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.
The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young womans legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.
The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am." The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away." The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real."
joke
> >
> > >
> >
> > >A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after
> >
> > >work cocktail with her girlfriends when an
> >
> > >exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
> >
> > >middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
> >
> > >woman could not take her eyes off him.
> >
> > >
> >
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
> >
> > >
> >
> > >
> >
> > >Before she could offer her apologies for staring
> >
> > >so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
> >
> > >do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
> >
> > >do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
> >
> > >condition."
> >
> > >Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
> >
> > >was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
> >
> > >want me to do in just three words."
> >
> >
> > >The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
> >
> > >and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
> >
> > >which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
> >
> > >address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
> >
> > >and meaningfully said....
> > >
> >
> > >"Clean my house."
Joke
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
joke
I'd rather have my nipples chewed off by a pack of wild dogs.
I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose until the back of his head caves in.
I'd rather wipe my ass with a cheese grater.
I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch slapped by a fat, mustached Greek named Spyros.
I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine and piss on a forest fire.
I'd rather suck cow snot through a straw.
I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle in the nude.
I'd rather bungee jump with the harness tied to my penis with your mother lying naked in the landing zone.
I would rather dry hump a polar bear in a phone booth.
I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back and then find out it's the wrong one.
I'd rather cram my penis in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.
I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter - and not a twist off either.
I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer and then wear wool socks in August.
I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass after he just finished taking a wet, nasty dump.
I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs with a dull barber's razor and no water or soap.
I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.
I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.
I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake in a phone booth.
I'd rather nail my penis to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire and try to get loose with a butter knife.
I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile.
I would rather have blow Pee Wee Herman in daylight, after he just whacked off in a movie theater without a bag to put over his head.
I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank of the 700 pound man next door.
I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.
I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis then tie it in a knot.
I'd rather lick the undigested corn from a crusty elephant's ass.
I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.
I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert with snapping turtles clamped to my salty nipples.
I'd rather be tied to a chair and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.
Joke
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
Joke
The doctor calls Mrs. Jones for a follow up on her lab results:
Doctor: Mrs. Jones, I have a good news and a bad news, which do you want 1st?
Mrs. Jones: Oh dear! Well I think I'll hear the good news first.
Doctor: Based on the lab reports, you still have 24hrs to live.
Mrs. Jones: Oh Lord! That's the good news? Then what could be the bad?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
Joke
advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he
said, "and don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes!"
Joke
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today, and when he visited one of the 4th grade classes, they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy."
"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the President. "That we would call a great loss."
The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer.
President Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well, " said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"
Joke
suddenly a female genie appears.
"Master, I can grant you one wish," says the genie.
"Hey, bitch . . . don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman
givin' me nuttin'," yells Rodman.
The genie pleads, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks for a moment . . . grumbles about the inconvenience and
says, "Okay, okay . . . I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in
the morning."
Giving the genie an evil glare he says, "Just do it, and leave me
alone."
The genie, who was annoyed and hurt, says, "So be it!" and disappears
back into the bottle.
The next morning, Dennis wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tanya Harding,
and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has
no health insurance.
Joke
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
Joke
Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Joke
Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the"Teletubbies," because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for years.
*** Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
*** Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy -- who, it's worth noting, has a lisp. Has a history of kissing Elmer Fudd on the lips
*** Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck-sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
*** Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
*** Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
*** Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes.
Nickname: Sir.
*** The Pink Panther
'Nuff said
What do you give a hurt lemon?
Answer is lemon aid (as in lemonade).
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Because she had to get to the Lgbt Pride on the other side
Two blondes walk into a
Two blondes walk into a bar. What do they say?
"Ouch!"
Haha, don't anyone get offended, I'm as blonde as they come!
Joke
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!...
"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
"since it was late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
Jokes
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
was very sorry, but would have to go home and come back later. The
woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So he opened his shirt revealing
his curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application. When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should
have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
*A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school
reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table. His wife asked,'Do you know
her?' 'Yes,' he sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said his wife, 'Who
would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
* I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He
stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one
are you?'
*********************************************************************************************
smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her
cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"
The pharmacist fainted. !!
a lesson for translators
since the 2008 olympics has officially started, you may want to catch up with some common street signs. Here are some key examples.
care must always be exercised before deciding to slip.
Make sure your cellphone isn't stolen along with you!
nice to meet you too, products!
every good law-abiding citizen ought to try getting into trouble once in a while!
I think I'll have a Frodo and Sam
A notice to dogs...
so that's where Lorena threw it....
_____________________________________________
"Yo Stacey! Come here and say it to my f*cking face, you f*cking vagina!" - Jenny Schecter
Joke
final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the
million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its
own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor