You're married?  And you're looking to hook up with a chick?  Are you in an open relationship with your husband?  I dont really know your situation, but after I read the part where you said you are married with a KID! I stumbled over your words.  Do you love your husband?  Do you love your family?  If you do, then forget anyone else.  You got married...honor your vows...why would you marry and have a kid if you weren't in love?  Is he not enough?  Don't threaten your marriage for the sake of curiosity.  Maybe the reason why you're searching for a woman is because you're not completely happy in your current situation.  Are you looking for a woman to hook up with...woman are complicated...good luck finding a woman who wants to share you with your husband and child!  

I dont mean to be harsh and drowned you in questions, but have you thought about it all?  

Why did you get married?

Traci 

Hi Nicky,

God I wish you lived in my area. I am in a similar situation as you except for a couple of things.  I too am curious to be with women. I have done it before and went pretty far with it but that was a few years ago. I have a boyfriend and child with him but still fantasize about women. All my friends are straight too and I have no idea where I can go and meet other women to have a drink with and who knows what else. I live in the SF Bay Area and would love some guidance.

dazed 1, I'm in a very similar situation.  I made a post on this board called "Bi with a Boyfriend" recently.  I can relate 100% to what you wrote - I could have written your post myself.

"I am having a hard time with the fact that something so important to me I have yet to experience, if I ever can."

I feel exactly the same way.  EXACTLY the same way.

"I'm in a great relationship with an amazing man. I mean the kind of relationship one can see themselves in for a long time."

Yes, same here, and therein lies the difficulty ...

"I feel so in love, but at the same time so confused, like there is this whole part of me I am going to miss out on."

I know!  I am strongly attracted to women, more than I am to men.  Not having had the experience of being with a woman (not just sexually, although that too) has really been on my mind recently.  I feel like I'm repressing a large part of my sexuality.  Even though I'm in such a good relationship and so happy with my BF, I don't know how to reconcile this issue.  I feel like if I'd at least had a FF experience, then I wouldn't be SO curious, you know ... the whole thing of not knowing what it would be like.

"As far as a threesome goes I know not only would it mess up what I have with my bf, but I want my first experience with a woman to be special, to be just me and her, and to be about a relationship too, not just a threesome for sexual experience."

My BF and I have talked about this kind of thing (he is well aware of my attraction to women) and I don't think we could ever have a threesome.  It would cause too much jealousy on his part.  But the main reason is that like you, I'd want my first time being with a woman to be a meaningful experience, just me and her, and not just some hookup.  For me it's less about the sex than just wanting to be in a relationship with another woman.  We are obviously very similar in our ways of thinking about this issue.

It's a real catch-22 ... I don't have any situations, but I just wanted to say that I hear you. I'd love to takl about this more if you're keen

Katherine

Damn, I wish I'd known I couldn't be an ambitious, intelligent lesbian before I signed up for this! They lured me with a shiny new toaster... I guess that does make me stupid.

My advice? Open your mind a little bit and the rest will follow. ;)

True happiness, we are told, consists in getting out of one's self, but the point is not only to get out, you must stay out; and to stay out you must have some absorbing errand. -Henry James

You both are engaged to men. You each need to let those guys know what is going on. Let the chips fall where they may, but dont continue to lie. Repressed feelings always re-emerge. If you dont end up in bed together taking out all that bottled up energy, it will find an outlet eventually, and that wont be very pretty. If you really care about this guy at all (and even if you dont) you owe it to him to let him know.

ps... I am still waiting for the toaster.

Yeah that. ^

I was engaged to a man but madly in love with a woman too once; I "took the chance" and have never regretted it. Not only that, I tore down a lot of stereotypes along the way. My wife and I want children (eventually), I never had to get that spikey haircut and my invitation to join the Olympic softball team was obviously lost in the mail.

(Which was what I meant by "open your mind"... you can still be you and be in love with a woman. Heck, you already are. :)

Good luck.

True happiness, we are told, consists in getting out of one's self, but the point is not only to get out, you must stay out; and to stay out you must have some absorbing errand. -Henry James

I thought I was bi from an early age, possibly even gay. I always formed huge intense crushes on girls, and was always drawn to them as a young child. When I was 18 I met a girl who I instantly hit it off with, and we engaged in an intense friendship. I guess I didnt realise at the time, but it was more than friendship; the emotions I had for her were way beyond those you normally have for your friends. Embarrassingly, I think everyone realised this but me.

When  I did finally figure it out, I was embarrassed by it, and I pushed her away. We lost that closeness for over a year you know, and when we did eventually decide to act on it... the boat had sailed. The first time we slept together, it was incredible for me to be intimate with her. But she felt it was too much for her, and I guess I felt rejected. She ended up going away to study for a year abroad (we got together a month or so before she left) and we tried to make it work, and for a few months it did, but then we broke up. When she left, she still didnt feel able to be physically intimate with me. So i never got to experience that typeof relationship with her, as we ended up breaking up.

Anyway, I ended up meeting another girl a bit later and it was great, but the sexual side of it... I didnt enjoy so much. I loved this girl very much, but sexually there was something missing. And in the end, I started to not want to even try to improve the sexual side of it...We're not together now unfortunately, which is partly to blame on the following...

This is where for me the confusing part comes in; although I dont really fancy any guys I meet, I am still sexually curious about them. I think about heterosexual sex as more of a turn on than lesbian sex. I've never been with a guy; i've been in sexual relationships with one, but i have never had full intercourse. I've had the chance to, but havent done it. I dont know why, really, apart from the fact I find it a bit shameful. I dont know, i find guys emotionally vapid; they do nothing for me in the emotional sense...

Yet I am more likely to find male-female sex arousing than female-female. I guess it is because I like the thought of pleasure without any sort of investment, or at least thats what I am guessing... I dont really know. It makes me anxious; I thought when I fell in love with a woman, that sex would come as a given, but I guess it hasnt. I am not looking to date a guy, i find women attractive as people and emotionally interesting... but I dont understand why the rest hasnt clicked into place.

Do you think an individial can be split into two beings 1) sexual and the 2nd) emotional? I worry I might be straight mascquerading as gay some times, because of the sexual side of things. It makes me worry, esp. as I feel that would really reflect badly on my previous relationships, which have meant more to me than any one i have ever had with a guy.

~Confused. Experimenting was supposed to help!

This makes a lot of sense to me.  Thank you for this sage advice.

 I have been reading and reading and reading (finally) and see how many kids at 12, 13, 15, 17 are coming out...and here I am in my pathetic little heterosexual lifestyle "bi" closet.  That's how I FEEL.

 But the reality is that I just wasn't ready to deal with it until now. 

It is more complicated with marriages and kids and such.  And the way I see it is there is going to be a loss somewhere...be it with my wants and needs being thwarted or in losing my marriage (which may not be as sad for me as it would be for him) or with my kids respect, or friends or whatnot.  It's a lot to weigh.

So how does one "figure it out"?

 I have, indeed, had an attraction to women which I quickly quelled at 8...EIGHT, ladies.  My cousins were teasing me for being a "lezzie" and I figured that was something bad (goodness knew I didn't want to stand out any more than I already felt I did) and everytime I felt an attraction I smashed it down. 

Now I have attractions that I've let out and comment on (my partner knows I'm bi but has made it clear he can't deal with anything other than monogamy) but now they are overwhelming and constant.  So am I an addict?  Am I a lesbian?  Am I bored?  Am I selfish?

 I'm just going to take some time and figure it out.  And when I know, I'll do something about it one way or the other.

 But I have to add:  If you can figure it out before kids and marriage...do...do do DO!

Ayo

I THINK YOU NEED TO STOP WORRING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE WILL REACT WHEN YOU DECIDE TO TELL THEM THAT YOUR GAY OR BI.  I KNOW ITS HARD BUT YOU GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.  AND I MEAN BRUTALLY HONEST. YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU TAKE OWNERSHIP OF OTHER PEOPLES FEELINGS . ITS NOT YOUR RESPOSIBILITY. YOU CANT CONTROLL THEM AND YOU CANT LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR THEM.  YOU GOTTA LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. I SAY GO FOR IT. F**K EM. DO WHAT YOU WANT . I KNOW YOUR SCARED, I WAS TERRIFIED BUT JUST DO IT. TAKE ONE SMALL FIRST STEP. POST YOUR PICTURE ON YOUR PROFILE AND GO FROM THERE.  

IMHO the only person that matters in this situation is yourself, certainly not our opinions or those of others. But saying that, if you're not ready to come out then I don't think you should. You have nothing to be ashamed of but let's face it - in this world (particularly in certain countries), it's extremely difficult to be gay. If you're not at a point in your life where you feel you are equipped to deal with that (and in some countries coming out can be dangerous), I don't think you should come out. You shouldn't feel shame because you're in the closet though. We were all there at one point and it's society's fault, not ours.

True happiness, we are told, consists in getting out of one's self, but the point is not only to get out, you must stay out; and to stay out you must have some absorbing errand. -Henry James

gay women are EVERYWHERE.

check out gaydargirls.com if you want to meet lesbians and bisexuals from your country. i live in mauritius at the moment, and it's worked for me! btw, no country is smaller than mauritius!

Ok. Everything I have read on this hasn't really helped the people looking for advice. And even though I am only a 17 year old bisexual lesbian, I feel that I can give you some help, maybe.

For all of those who think that they might be questioning their sexuality while being married, I think you all should go out and just see what happens. I know this will be stabbing your husbands in the back, but if you just went and had a relationship with a woman that you found intriguing and it DIDN'T work out then you could just go back to your husband, because obviously women aren't for you, but if you did get that feeling that you were actually comfortable with yourself, and that you know that that is where you were supposed to be in the first place, then tell your husbands and even if you get a divorce, you will know that it's for the right reasons.

Dayanna28, I think that you should see what happens with her, try to make the first move, if she is afraid because you are married, then YOU do it. If all she did was kiss your cheek then, I KNOW she wants more. Kissing the cheek is like a question. It's like saying "I want to do more, but I don't know if you'll let me. What do you think?" I think next time, if she ever DOES kiss your cheek again, then maybe move your head to where she kisses you instead. That will lead to so much more and you will find out if it was the right thing to do because you won't know if you don't try.

Basically the only thing I can say to anybody here is if you think you are gay/bi, then just act on it for christ's sake. There's nothing else you can do. Loving someone is the same no matter what, take things as they come, and if they don't come on their own, then make them come. If you want something bad enough, go for it, if you aren't sure, go for it. And it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks, it's only what YOU think that matters. I know you will get a lot of hardships, but it will all blow over, and when you find someone that you love, then NOTHING else will matter even if people hurt you, it will be like it's just you and her.

What's the color of love?

My brother-in-law has been dating this woman for almost a year now and from the very first moment I saw her I've been head over heels. I've been trying to get over these feelings since I met her but they won't go away. She's sweet, friendly and really likes testing out her drink mixing skills on me. My fear is that one of these times after having too many drinks I'll slip up and say something. I keep telling myself that the situation is impossible. I'm married, she's straight and practically my sister-in-law, matter of fact that's how she introduced me to her parents. But whenever she's around I find myself wanting to be close to her. Sometimes I'm ok. Most of the time it's agonizing. How do you get over a crush?

"There's no such thing as morals, just people with specific preferences."

 So I was madly in love with an older woman, but since I've never been in a relationship with a woman, I was a little scared and so I was always thinking about her but wasn't sure if dating her was such a good idea. When I finally realized that I really wanted her, I went to her place and told her I was in love, but she said it was too late but that we could still be friends. I find it hard to do but I wanna try because she's really important to me. From that moment, I just wanted to meet another girl because I felt that boys weren't my thing anymore... But just as I was sure I would never fall for man again, this man came along and he's like an amazing person that I love to be with and I always want to be with him. We really connect on many levels and I feel good when I'm around him and now, we're kind of dating .. well we're seeing each other... I really like him a lot but even if I wanna try, I still have the feeling that I want to be with a woman. I'm afraid to let him go just like I did with the woman I was in love with, but at the same time, I'm scared to be in a relationship with a man because I don,t want to hurt him if it doesn't work for me...  How come I'm so complicated ???

"Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost"

I came across this and found it pretty helpful, hopefully somebody else will too.

Here's How:

1. If you see someone who is interesting, go over to her and strike up a conversation. The easiest thing to do is to compliment her on something. "I really like your hair. Who cuts it?" or "Those are great shoes, where did you get them?" End with an open-ended question, so she has to engage with you.

2. Don't just go up and offer to buy her a drink. Find something to talk about: the pool game, the band that's playing or last night's episode of The L Word.

3. Make eye contact and smile. Try to seem confident, even if you aren't. Women respond to that.

4. Be friendly and courteous. Even if you and she don't hit it off, she could have a friend that you like.

1. Pay attention to how she reacts and respond accordingly. If you're sensing she's interested, try flirting a little. Tell her she has beautiful eyes or she's a good dancer.

2. Don't be too pushy. After talking for a while, introduce yourself, say it was nice meeting her and excuse yourself and walk away. See if she approaches you later. Or you can return later to ask her to dance or say you enjoyed talking to her and would like her phone number.

3. Try to find something that you have that she wants- information about tickets to a sold out show, the name of that new self-help book, an extra car phone charger that just happens to fit her phone- and get her number so you can call her about it later.

4. Have a wing woman -- a friend who comes to the bar with you to boost your confidence and to check in with after you talk to someone.

5. Congratulate yourself. No matter what the outcome, you took a risk and put yourself out there. Have a drink or a dance to celebrate.