The common crush on people one shouldn't crush on...
Like the title said, quite a few of you must have experienced this at some point in your life as, be it during high school, college, at work, wherever. I had it happening once during high school in my final year. A short but sweet crush. Now I’m in my 2nd year of college and got a huge crush on one of my professors. Of course it’s a nice feeling and all, since I haven’t felt like this for 2 years, but considering she is my professor and see her pretty frequently and still get questions on my exams from the subject she teaches, it can be pretty annoying. Oh and lets not forget the fact she’s nearly 25 years older than me (I could have sworn it was only 17/18 years) and is married to a guy. Although I have a strange feeling she messed around with a few ladies here and there at some time and somewhere. That feeling has something to do with the fact that after the first time we saw her, I got a few students approaching me saying: ‘from this row she totally looked like Ellen DeGeneres during the Oscars’ (true) and ‘Wow, there is indeed something like gaydar’ (can straight people have gaydar or did 2 students out themselves? lol)
Anyway, there are a lot of things against me being able to do anything and I’m ok with that, since I don’t really want to do anything, even though she’s cute, incredibly nice and has the ability to maintain her authority while still being informal and human. And well, she’s from the west of the US and has a certain accent which nearly makes me fly. It has happened a few times before though. I seem to have a thing for US west coast women lol. It’s easy when it comes to lectures. On exams I am usually able to literally repeat a great deal of what she said during the lectures. I’ll admit it does make life a little easier when it comes to exams.
The only little problem I have is this. Even though I try to rationalize the whole thing, age difference, knowing for sure that nothing is ever going to happen between us, since I am certainly not planning on letting her know and I have the common decency to respect her position (ya know, basically being my superior and relationship status) and my own (no way I am getting in trouble for this), I am a little afraid that she might notice I like her. Normally I wouldn’t mind, of course, but considering that this could be risky, I’m just that little paranoid and overanalyzing. Like: will she notice I am pretty shy around her, did she notice my knees practically turned into liquid the first time I came up and talked to her (seriously… lol), could she interpret me being nice as flirting, you know those kind of things. All our conversations are in English and since that isn’t my native language, it’s even harder to push the shyness away in a conversation lol. The fact that I started blushing lightly when she came sitting next to me and asked if I was interested in doing some stuff for her research, made me realize if my paranoia is justified.
And once again, a part of me tells me not to act like a baby and grow up, but my inner control freak is not amused with me not being able to get a perfect grip on myself around her. Basically I just want to know how to deal with this effectively. I don’t see her every day or something, once a week is a lot as well, on average I maybe see her once in 10-14 days, but it has been enough to keep this crush going for 6 months now. It’s not a huge deal and I am far from going all drama on the situation, but it gets a little annoying at times. I just want to be able to talk to her without suddenly forgetting words in English and when asked to say them in Dutch, come to the horrible conclusion you can’t find the word in your own language as well lol.
Anyone familiar with this? Or has a few words of wisdom? Or do I just have to sit this one out?
