Married bisexuals

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 Just need to say thank god I'm not alone!!! I have just recently realized I am attracted to women. I've been married 15 years and have two children. My discovery came about because I came across the L Word and realized that I'm turned on by other women. Once I accepted that fact I began to realize that in my youth I had crushes on women. WOW!!! I didn't recognize that they were cushes. That being said, I told my husband, in a effort to be honest, how I felt. At first he was all into it. He wanted to know the type I was attracted to ect. Then about a week later he informed me he had spoken to a couple at church who had come out of that lifestyle recently. I was crushed. How could he violate that trust. I was livid. But I realized he was just scared and really didn't know what I was going to do about the situation. I honestly don't know either. Years ago we had a sexual experience together with a female friend of ours and I think he would like to have one again. The only problem with that is I don't  want a him involved. I know that is very selfish, but the problem is it's really not about the sex. It's the emotional connection I want. He doesn't get it and to be truthful I'm confused myself. It just feels good to finally be comfortable with who I am and to know that I'm not crazy. I love him but theirs something missing. I guess I just have to see what happens and go from there.

I agree with you on two important points you made, it's the intimate emotional connection that I believe only two women can share (outside of friendship) that I'm also interested in as well as this is not about a lack of love for our husbands, it's just there is something so incomplete about a life with a man when you long for a woman.

I agree with you on two important points you made, it's the intimate emotional connection that I believe only two women can share (outside of friendship) that I'm also interested in as well as this is not about a lack of love for our husbands, it's just there is something so incomplete about a life with a man when you long for a woman.

i posted on this thread a whole year ago (wow!) and have just now noticed that it is still somewhat alive

i'd like to comment on a few things: first of all, my relationship(s) are separate: i am married to my husband and have a committed relationship with my girlfriend of 5 years....they are very, very close, but are not involved sexually...my girlfriend has a strong masculine energy (i'm only really attracted to butch/boi women) and she and my husband connect on many other levels...they do home renovations together, both in our home and hers, they go to sports events together,play on the same ball team and on occasion go out drinking/playing cards together...but NO sex...she is a card carrying lesbian, and he tells me i am the only one for him

secondly, i have never tried to defend this relationships as being "morally" right...i realize that i have broken my wedding vows, though as an athiest, i wonder how much that really matters--what i have said is that it's right for ME; i will say however, that i made a committment to my husband and that has not waned in the least...if anything, we are closer and more committed than any couple we know...having said that, the truth remains that i am not attracted to, nor will i ever become involved with, another man outside my husband...i agree with an earlier poster who said that her husband was all she needed in terms of the opposite sex...i've often said that i peaked at my husband and it would be all downhill from here...in my eyes no man could ever compare or begin to measure up to the man i married...something i've been saying since we met, and long before i ever realized my attraction to other women

someone else posted that they felt they could just continue being married and keep these feelings and longings to herself, but feared that she may one day meet the woman who would make that impossible...this is exactly what happened to me...i was quite unaware of my feelings for women, other than the occasional same-sex dream or fantasy, until i met my first girlfriend...i spent almost a year in an agony of confusion and guilt, trying to resist the feelings i was having while at the same time trying to resist her hitting on me...finally my husband told me he knew she was into me and that i was into her...then he told me he would be ok with me exploring a relationship and that turned into 3 years...she wasn't able to handle the fact that i was married, and it was often a bone of contention, and eventually the reason the relationship ended...i've been with my current gf for 5 years now and as i mentioned in my original post, this set-up is perfect for her and meets her needs wonderfully...

to "shhhh"...i agree with you completely about the emotional connection women share...my husband and i are very close, but my gf and i are on the same page, emotionally, intellectually and sexually...

with regard to monogamy and fidelity...i met my husband when i was 20 and we've been together since we were 22...we married at 25 and we're 42 now...as we've grown older we've learned so much about how the world is not black and white, that what works for some doesn't work for others and that things are not always as they seem...i've long held the belief that whoever came up with monogamy and marriage in the first place needs to have their head examined! it's just not always that easy!...i've also learned that the concept that women are from venus and men are from mars is so true! opposite sexes trying to be everything to one another is often setting ourselves up for failure, an exercise in futility; being in these two relationships has shown me just how different same-sex and opposite-sex relationships really are! 

the only thing that i lament about my situation is that we still have to keep it hidden from most of the people in our lives...we always say that if those people could spend time in our home, watching the 3 (5 with the kids) of us interact, they'd see how 'normal' and healthy it really is...most of the time people use pre-conceived notions to navigate their way through the world, and man, you miss out on so much that way...i've long since stopped thinking about things in terms of how they should be and now focus on how things are, and how they could be...coming to terms with how i need to live my life has freed me of being judgemental and critical of how others live theirs

what a great discussion.  Are there women who came out to their husbands and found them accepting and open or at least curious?  Heartbreaking to hear about some husbands just shutting down or closing off the topic forever.  Very sad.  But what did those husbands--ones who were open and willing to learn about their bi wives--what did they do, how did they react?  How have you and your husband come to live and love together?  Is it about the sex? What are the good ones (men) doing to help the bi woman grow?  I'm really curious.

What I find problematic is that the discussion seems to reduce relations between two women to the physical. It's all fine for the husband as long as he gets to be in the middle (and fair enough, really...not many people would want their partner going off with someone else). My partner now is a man and I feel the same struggles as most of you; I just don't know how to resolve my feelings. I feel like I need to be two people all the time - my gay self and my straight self. I'm not sure what the answer is. I refuse to make my desire for women to be manifested in gay sex on the side, but I don't know any other way. :(

that if you read my posts on this thread--long winded though they may be--you'll see that in no way has my situation reduced my relations with my gf to the physical...in fact, i hesitate to use your choice of word ie: relations, since mine are full out relationships with both my husband and my girlfriend, and while we don't all meet up in the bedroom, we share almost every other aspect of our lives together, including everyday things like who will pick up the kids, housework and cooking...we all sit down to dinner on any day that she isn't working, we all vacation together and we go out and party together when childcare permits...i have time alone with both of them and it doesn't always end up being reduced to the physical, though i'm certainly not complaining when it does!!

i sincerely hope you can figure this out in a way that meets everyone's needs....

Gigi, I find your posts so interesting. Your family situation sounds amazing and I'm happy that you are able to live the life that suits you and your family. It must be so hard to have to hide something like that- why can't people just mind their own damn business?  It's now been a year since I came out to my husband and nothing much has changed.  Things have improved in that he is not so depressed and angry about it, and we have been having a better time together now that he realizes that I'm not about to go charging off with every woman I meet. And certainly at this point in time I'm not looking for that, or even considering it. I guess for me this past year has been about integrating my bisexuality into my own world view- that is to say I no longer wake up every morning and think "Oh my God! I'm bi!!" lol.  I feel comfortable with it now- it's just part of who I am.

**COPIED FROM DUPLICATE THREAD**

 

True happiness, we are told, consists in getting out of one's self, but the point is not only to get out, you must stay out; and to stay out you must have some absorbing errand. -Henry James

 "I think it's not about sexual competition it's about respect - or lack thereof. You can spin this any way you want but the reality is you obviously have no backbone if you're letting your wife lady around with other women while you're sat at home twiddling your thumbs.

If she's doing that then you should go out and have sex with other women then see just how secure she is about it."

i'm confused as to who is speaking in this post...the first half, in quotes, apparently comes from philips_s, supporting his wife's bisexuality; the second half, italicized, seems to be a rebuttal, but from whom?

This is my first post.  I have finally registered on this site although I have visited quite often for the last 6 months.  I am posting on this thread because I am married and I am bisexual.  I can remember crushes on both boys and girls when I was in middle school.  It was easy to have a crush on a boy, talk about boys with friends, have my first kiss with a boy, and all the rest... Having a crush on a girl at that age, for me, was just plain confusing.  I didn't know that women could be in love; I was never exposed to it, hence the confusion.  I think that I just felt that any girl that I had "feelings" for was just someone that I really wanted to be friends with.

I had a serious bf in high school, But I remember being with one of my girlfriends at her house and we were changing clothes to go out.  She had on a white lacy bra and matching underwear.  I thought she was beautiful.  I was so self-conscious.  I am sure I stared too long.  Now my confusion turned to anxiety and feeling scared.  I thought something was wrong with me because, again, I had no exposure to same sex relationships.  (Quick background:  Catholic-Italian, suburbia, all white neighborhood, strict parents)  Anyway, I dreamed about her for years.

Today I am married and have two teenagers.  I have had long term relationships with women over the years.  They were commited, faithful relationships.  At one point, I came out as a lesbian to my family.  My mother didn't talk to me for a year.  When I broke up with my gf, my mother was thrilled.

So... here's the thing.  After reading all the posts here, I can understand all the different viewpoints.  I just would like to add a few things.  First, I registered on this site because I truly need a place to come to for support.  I have no problem debating or discussing issues.  But mostly, I just need to find and connect with other women like me. 

I have always been honest with my husband.  I had one brief encounter with another married woman which he knows about.  We have had a few 3somes and one swinging encounter with another couple.  So, as a couple I would say that we are honest with one another and willing to explore our sexuality.  This is just a fraction of the overall substance of our marriage.  Mostly we are just a man and woman who work hard in our careers and in raising our children. Most of our hetero married friends are unfaithful to each other or have divorced over the years.  I can say that I have never "cheated" on my husband behind his back.

I have been trying to figure out bisexuality for a long time.  It's really not about having the best of both worlds.  There are no real options for bisexuals unless you want to be in a poly relationship which I do not.  I love my husband but yes, I am still very much attracted to women.  It's not the same as being in love with my husband and being attracted to other men.  It's feeling "incomplete" not having that aspect of your true self fulfilled.  It's a dilemma; there's no easy way around it.  I would love to have a relationship with another married woman.  I hesitate actively seeking this because I know there is a chance that things could become too involved.  I desperately want the emotional closeness in loving another woman but not at the cost of jeopardizing my marriage.  So, yes, it sucks.  I wish I wasn't bisexual.  I would choose gay or straight over this any day.  When I go through periods of obsessing about women I masturbate like crazy and fantasize.  Not exactly the most rewarding experience but it gets me through it.  

I apologize for the length of this post.  I just need to talk to someone that just understands me...  just to listen... just to feel so not alone in this.  I don't want to be attacked... I can easily get that in my everyday life.  I am here for support and understanding, not acceptance.  I have already accepted who I am. 

I hope to find a few friends here.  So, HI everyone.  If you are reading this, thank you for "listening."

(Yikes, no spell-check!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

That was a great introduction lvnights! I can relate to just about everything you said, especially

It's not the same as being in love with my husband and being attracted to other men.  It's feeling "incomplete" not having that aspect of your true self fulfilled

That expresses it so well.  So welcome to the forum. It's been such a boost for me to hear from other women in the same situation as me, so hopefully you'll find it just as rewarding.

Looking for your take on this, please...

A close friend just shared with me an incident that really upset him.  Hetero husband, bi wife, who came out a while back.  They're in bed sharing some really sweet, sensitive time, touching her slow and soft, real closeness.  What spun his head was that while his wife said she totally loved how he was touching her, she said something like (I can't remember the exact words) that he just seemed to know how to touch her to make her feel right that a Lesbian couldn't touch her any better. 

He said his wife insisted she meant it as a total compliment, but he came away confused.  On one hand, he felt, he felt really great that he could find a way to touch her so gently and lovingly that his bi wife, who's really struggling with her desires for women right now, would say that.  On the other hand, it totally made him feel cut off and cut out, like, "what's wrong with your man touching you perfectly?  Isn't that enough?"  He kinda felt that this showed that, to his wonderful wife, the gold standard is a woman's touch.  So he felt like crap, like second-rate (even though they have great sex).

I didn't know what to say! other than, I can understand both of your feelings.  Is he overreacting?  Was it cool, or not, for the wife to say that?

Now, don't get me wrong. I am very accepting of bisexuals and bisexuality, but I believe that there should be a line when the focus is on relationships and cheating on your loved ones. Seriously, what ever happened to monogomy??? It's not such a dirty word nowadays.

Not only can you catch a serious disease by "mixing it up," but you can hurt either your spouse or the person you are cheating with. This is a drama that noone should ever enter into. What if the other woman wants to be with you and you alone? If you leave your husband, you will most likely hurt him really bad. If you leave the other woman, you will end up hurting her too.

I don't understand how anyone could be so selfish!!!

Cheating is cheating, plain and simple. If you want to be single and spread your love, that is one thing. However, don't leave innocent bystanders in the dark.

Even if you are completely upfront with your husband and your female lover, you can't stop feelings from developing for either person involved in your little self-centered love triangle. For all those involved, pain and heartache alone will come from such a tryst.  

 

I've been married for 10 years to my childhood boyfriend and I have five chidlren. I've been monogamous with him for 12 years. I had my first child with him when I was 15, but I spent the ages of 15-21 dating other boys/girls/men/women. Obviously, I still have attractions to other men and women, and occasionally, I'll meet a woman, a new friend, a new coworker, whomever, who I am REALLY attracted to. But you know, what I've come to find is that I crave the stability more than satisfying the attraction. Plus, I know for myself, having explored that aspect of my sexuality, a lot of questions were answered for myself that wouldn't have been, if I dated ONLY my husband. Like I know for sure that I am bisexual with emotional, romantic, physical attractions to women and men. And I know that despite having five children with this man, I woud likely be with a woman now if it weren't for the fact that I really am deeply in love with my husband.

I can't say that I would NEVER cheat on my husband. But I do feel that it would be unlikely that I would cheat on my husband with a man OR a woman, because I don't have that need. [By 'need', I do not mean a need to cheat, but a need to exlore your sexuality or a need to figure things out for yourself.

I don't condone cheating. I think that is messed up. However,five years ago, when I was 28, I met a coworker (female), who I REALLY connected with. When I met her, I liked her instantly. She was really good and really nice with my kids and I was pregnant with my fifth (and man, I hope my LAST) child, she was really sweet to me. We became really good friends and we would hang out one-on-one, just the two of us at her place (my place was full ALL THE TIME, AND I MEAN, ALL THE TIME). It was the first and only time in my married life that I seriously contemplated cheating on my husband. She was a straight girl, who'd been with women a few times, and she had a long-time boyfriend that she was on a break with. She was pretty heart-broken about it. There were a few times when it seemed like something was going to happen between us. She'd put her hands on my thigh, she'd play with my hair, she'd rub my legs. After I had my daughter, she gave me this really lovely card and this HUGE giftbasket for the baby of clothes, shoes,socks, hats, etc. Shortly after that, she kissed me, and I'll admit I kissed her back [which I told my husband about, which resulted in a month-long estrangement] Nothing happened after that, and we sort of went back to being just friends. I struggled a lot with it. My husband and I started going on double dates with her and her husband. And it all sort of went back to normal.

It wasn't a huge marital crisis. But I struggled with it. And I basically figured out that I would be so heartbroken if he ever cheated on me, and I love him more than anyone else, second only to our children. I'm 33 now, which you know, isn't young, but isn't old either. And I honestly feel like if we broke up now, it would break me enough that I would probably stay single for the rest of my life. The idea of losing him or hurting him outweighs any urge or need to be with a woman at this point. I don't necessarily think monogamy is the natural way of things, but at some point, whether by selfishness, possessiveness, laziness, love, social convention or WHATEVER, you choose to be monogamous with someone for a certain period of time. Which means that you owe them your honesty and your fidelity.

If I fell in love with someone else, man or woman, I wouldn't weigh it out and think "well my husband is hot and he's smart, and after all these years of struggling, we've reached financial stability, he's a great husband, a great father and he's a friggin catch" I'll put it this way. If I fell in love with a real loser (which would not happen, but let's say it did), I wouldn't just stay with my husband because he's so great and have my fling on the side with the loser. I would be honest with my huband because someone as fabulous as him will have NO problem finding a woman who will love him whole-heartedly, and would take up with this loser, because if I loved them, they couldn't be that much of a loser. I'd go with my feelings.

But I love my husband because he is nice and honest, and he plays with my kids. He doesn't get hung up on gender roles with the kids, he's really good with them. He helps them with homework and goes to PTA meetings, coaches soccer and t-ball games. He friggin sells cookies for our daughter's Girl Scout troupe. He makes beaded jewelry with my daughter. He lets himself be covered in Tinkerbell stickers. He brings me lunch at work. He has put up with whining for all of my pregnancies. I was 15 when mydaughter was born. He was 19. For the three years it took me to turn 18, I refused to name him as the father, because I didn't want to get him in trouble. But the moment I found out I was pregnant when I was 14, he has manned up. He's reliable and loving and sweet. And he's physically attractive. [He's a DILF, apparently]. I mean, I married him for a reason, right? So how could I ever cheat on this man, regardless of how I might come to feel for someone else. This is why I find martial infidelity really troubling. I get wanting to explore your sexuality,even after you get married. But unless you are in an arranged marriage, marriage of convenience, marriage to get him a green card, or a marriage to keep your two countries from going to war, you really do owe your husband your honesty, if you can't give him your fidelity.

I'm just going to jump in and make a post. I obviously don't have much to say as I'm not bisexual or married but I was answering another post and I felt like some of that information could be useful here.

I found this interesting site...

http://www.straightspouse.org/index.shtml

The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. SSN also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community organizations, and the public. SSN is the only support network of its kind in the world.

As outreach, the network offers information about spouse and family issues, mixed orientation marriages and spouse resources to professionals, community organizations and the media.

To find out about support groups or individual contacts near you, please visit this page to request information!

 

I feel like it's interesting and might help any bisexual married women here come out to their spouses, discuss it with them or talk to other people in support groups who have similar issues to discuss. Very interesting site.

I sure could use some advice about now!  I have been married for 27yrs, have three successful children and have come to the realization that I am very attracted to women.  Our marriage at this time is very shakey and has never been a truly satisfying relationship.  It hurts to even acknowlege that in writing.  Around 8 months ago, I got on the exercise kick, eating healthy, losing weight .... and started feeling really good.  He showed absolutely no interest in me, but would congratulate me on my accomplishment.  He has no interest in having sex with me.  According to him he doesn't want sex with any woman.   

I have a friend who is a lesbian.  She is the one who supported me through this physical transformation!  Lots of encouragement in a good way.........absolutely nothing sexual whatsoever.  I have known her for the past 8 yrs but never had any sexual feelings for her.  I was floored when I began to have feelings for her.  OMG It was like everything just came together all at the same time.  I have always known that I found women to be very attractive and arousing.  I can't stop thinking about women.  It is like being a hormonal teenager!  Sex in my marriage was always just ok.  I  felt guilty bc I never really found the male body to be that much of a turn on.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  I was one of those girls raised in an old fashioned home and you just didn't talk about homosexuality.  It seems that I have repressed these feelings all my life.  But when I started feeling better about myself physically and emotionally I allowed all of these hidden feelings to surface. 

There is no way that I could share this with my husband.  It would crush him.  We both agree that our marriage is not fulfilling and have talked about divorce.  I don't see any reason to tell him my true feelings when I have never acted on them.  I so badly want to connect with another woman.  It is so much more than just the physical.  What if I left him and then nurtured a relationship with a woman, moved on to the physical aspect of it and discovered it wasn't what I really wanted.  I have been faithful for 27 yrs to him.  Having an affair with another man feels like cheating but for some strange reason, having a relationship with a woman feels okay, almost comforting.  Yes, I know that probably doesn't make much sense to many of you. 

Having no one to talk to about this has just about eaten me alive.  I would so appreciate some insight or advice.  It is hard to think intellectually when your emotions are controlling you.

Please read the post above.  I could use some advice from either someone who has been there or someone with great knowledge!

Hon,

All I can say is after 27 years, the sex is not there, the relationship is not satisfying you and if the kids are grown... Go claim your life.  You have done your job as a parent, you gave up 27 years to raise children, now it's your time to enjoy your life.  Remember..we only have 1!!

I married him, because he is my best friend, and I was pregnant and I love him. But he knows that I want a girl friend. He's super supportive, and wants me to be happy more than anything. He's not trying to watch, or anything like that. If something were to happen to him, god forbid, then I would totally be looking for a girl. But I won't leave him. We have three kids, and I really want to figure out someway to incorporate a girlf friend. I am looking for someone that I can cuddle with, hold, somoene soft. Men are great, but they are rough, and aggressive, and protective, and walled. They can't talk about things, they don't understand most of the squishy stuff women feel. I want someone that understands that part of me too. Is it wrong to want someone that you can be honest with, and open, and not play games? I have a few bi friends, and some lesbian and gay friends, but I am not extremely close to any of them. I want a girl I can open my heart to. He wants me to find someone too. He's been so helpful. He's even talked to me about going to a gay bar once a month, and trying to set aside money. He can tell I am not 100% happy with just him. But he is 100% happy with me.. if I could only be happy too. He has no problem with me having a girl move in, if it came to that. He's agreed we'd tell the kids she was my best friend. We've had friends stay with us before over the years, and it wouldn't be odd for my kids. But I have a super hard time meeting anyone since I live in a really small town with old time values. I have no idea where to find someone. I do know I am living a half life because there is no way he's ever going to be soft. I seem to be an extremem kind of person.. My husband is definitely a man's man. He was a jock in HS, still plays sports and all that other junk rough tough guys do. Which is great... but I still want someone soft too.

I'm a guy, a boyfriend, and have been in a committed relationship with one woman for the last 5 years.  One year ago, her mother died, and the death ignited a complete re-examination of my girlfriend's life.  It is at this time my gf told me that she was bisexual.  Having had a bisexual encounter in my own life (although I am not attracted to men), I easily accepted my girlfriend's bisexuality.  What I didn't understand at the time was that my gf was actually telling me that she wanted to have a female "friend with benefits."  As the reality set in, I had many sleepless nights over this.  Whether warranted or not, I started to feel horrible about myself as a lover/companion and even questioned my own sexuality, but because I loved my gf deeply, I couldn't tell her not to explore her heart and needs.  I didn't want her to be monogamous with me and desperately unhappy.  That would kill me too.  So, we agreed that my gf would find a casual relationship with a woman that included sex.  My girlfriend promised me that she would always come home to me...  that this was her primary relationship...

Things didn't happen as we had hoped.  She became involved with a woman who we later found was in a desintegrating marriage.  This woman fell in love with my gf, and my gf fell for her.  They spent 6 - 10 hours a day chatting online.  Every conversation my gf and I had was about this girl.  I fell into severe neglect and when I told my gf, she said that she was sorry, that she felt guilty, but that this was what she needed.  Again, my gf said that she would come back to me, but I could see the confusion in her.  The passion of this new relationship was making her question everything...  and I could only watch.  I know that she'll come back home to me, but I don't want just a body in my life...  just a place holder to sit on the couch with me...  I want her soul.

Last week we travelled to a concert near her gf's home (7 hrs away).  Twice I let them get together and visit.  Twice they didn't come back when they said they would.  I sat alone in a motel room a lot of hours last weekend.

Now, this girl has flown into town and my gf is with her for 3 days and 2 nights.  We've never been apart this long except one time my gf flew to Hawaii.  During that trip she vowed never to be separated from me like that again.  Yet, here I am...  alone.  Tonight I even passed by their hotel.  It hurts to watch them fall in love...  to be alone...

My gf makes me feel that it's a deficiency on my part that I can't accept this arrangement, and maybe she's right?  But it hurts to know that I only need her in my life and she needs more than me.  It hurts to be alone these nights when she's with her "friend."  It hurts to watch her passion for someone other than me.  It hurts to have to do things alone because she's off living a different life.

Why did I post this?  Because it's fine to be a bisexual married/involved woman, but please see the other side of this.  There is a reality behind the fantasy. Tomorrow night my gf will return home, but we will never be a couple again.  I can't sacrifice my heart anymore to help my gf find herself.  I love her but I cannot follow her any further... 

First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry for Kai's pain. Opening up the marriage is going to be a test for any marriage...and sometimes things aren't meant to be. But having said that, my experience was different and much more positive...

The wonders of the internet...I really had no idea that there were that many women out there like me. There probably aren't, in absolute terms, but it's been so cheering just to read so many stories with parts I feel like I could have written myself. I seem to see a general pattern emerging here...women who got involved kind of young and then married while being in denial about the whole wanting to sleep with girls thing. Finally, they pluck up the courage to tell their husband...and here is where the stories start diverging.

I decided to go the inchy-squinchy approach to telling my husband. First I told him I wanted to open up the marriage, without mentioning girls. I did end up seeing girls, but I reasoned that's OK since I never did specify that I will be only seeing other men. But eventually my conscience started getting the better of me and I carefully mapped out a "clear the air" conversation to have with him on the matter. I was so nervous about it, but when I finally told him, he just replied..."Well when you told me you wanted to see other people I figured you meant girls as well, so consider the air cleared." 

So many emotions rushed into my head in that moment. So the secret wasn't a secret at all. Did he guess? Did I blab to him while I was drunk? Mainly, I was touched by the way he put it very understatedly. 

If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have bothered gotten married in the first place, but I would still what I have now -- the freedom to form romantic connections with men and women of various durations plus an enduring relationship where I feel reasonably sure I would grow old with the same person and share decades of memories and perhaps a family. 

I know the discussion here is probably dormant now, but I still felt the urge to comment on this topic anyhow.. just because it ties in to my thoughts of Imagine Me and You (which I watched yesterday on Tv for the second time round).

 

First off in regard to Imagine Me and You: while I like the story to a point, the ending of it doesn’t make me happy but rather sad actually.., with the feeling of guilt about Luce and Rachel’s happiness at the end, and ultimate sadness for Hector and the position that he was left in.. (despite his grin at the end in the plane scene). Overall he still got bailed on, even though it was of no mean intent to do so by Rachel or Luce.

 

A few of these posts boggled me a bit, because while I sympathize with how aching these feelings for some posters must be, I myself still have a more overriding and stronger feeling for the unity of marriage and how important that commitment is if you ‘both’ chose to make it.

 

Just so that I don’t have to repeat what others have said, I agree either in part or fully with the view points of Amy M, wishiwasupnorth and Hally B, and feel great sadness and sympathy for Kai :[

 

Whether you’re a bisexual or heterosexual woman in a marriage, there is no difference between what and who your attractions are for outside of it, whether they’re for another man or instead a woman. If your commitment is to stay monogamous to your partner, then part of the challenge of your marriage is to stick to that agreement.. (unless you have a serious reason not to do so).

I sympathise that it can come as a bit of a shock if you realise your bisexuality later on in life after the whole marriage, kids and family thing, because then understandably, it might make you feel confused, helpless and possibly ‘wanting’ of a side of yourself that you haven’t had the chance to fully and emotionally explore and/or be as, yet, just because you got married before being able to do so! Nevertheless though, that is how life will be sometimes for many of us (regardless of our sexuality) where the weigh up of present burning desires against that of long term commitment will always have the possibility of being thrown in there hard at some point in which you’ll double take at, and may have to try with difficulty to resist against!. But try and resist you must. Unless the resisting leads to an insanity of the ill kind, and not a weakness of the selfish kind.. (and no, I’m not implying anyone is being selfish for having these overflowing feelings).

 

I suppose when I think about this kind of situation I think of the best case scenario, and then the worst one. And it’s usually the end pain with no gain scenario that flashes in my head .

 

I think everyone has the right to feel free and comfortable about their sexuality, of course,… but within the boundaries set by yourself and your partner if in a monogamous relationship or marriage if that’s what you both fully understand and want to adhere by. So, even if you’re bisexual and like ‘both’.., it doesn’t meant that your struggle of sexual or emotional feelings will be ‘more’ than that of non-bisexuals and therefore warrant more leeway for movement of change/exploration or flexibility …(and whatever else etc). Only Poly or open relationships allow for this kind of room for movement from what I understand, but where all parties must still know and be happy with what’s going on.

 

I am never happy about the idea of people struggling with themselves or their life situations, and obviously know that people’s happiness is very important. But the ways in which you go about trying to find happiness is also very important…, (for everyone), and that’s where lies the biggest issue for me when it concerns these types of situations and the ‘sometimes shift of respect.. in people’s aid to find their place of fulfilment.

 

I admit, I’m not married, or ever have been. But sometimes I think that I don’t want to get married anymore, because it seems like such an uncertain entity nowadays, and not like how I used to think of and dream about it before.  There is no long lived happiness anymore it seems or long term love.

 

  

Hello,

Happily married bisexual woman here with girlfriend.  I only date women who are:

1. married

2. bisexual

3. have supportive husbands.

This is not an impossible formula - by any means.

I knew I was bisexual in college, but the only women I came in contact with were lesbians.  Before the Internet (I'm old) I found an ad in the paper for a bisexual women's support group.  I jumped at the opportunity, and it changed my life.  For the first time in my life, I met other women who had boyfriends or who had husbands, but who were bisexual.  Then came the Internet, and it was then that I found groups specifically targeted for married bisexual women. (I was married by then.)  Long story short - I have met MANY women like me - women, with supportive husbands or boyfriends, who wish to date women.  My current girlfriend is also married.  Our relationship with our husbands is primary. Our relationship with each other is secondary.  We see each other about twice a month - which is perfect for us.  Other times, we communicate online.  Our husbands are fine with it.  They don't feel threatened by our relationship at all.  There are men like that out there.

Jolie

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