like i said earlier in this topic, i had posted a too long explanation of my situation on a thread called 'what kind of bi are you?', so i'll try not to bore with details...i've been happily married for 18 years and have two children and a girlfriend of 4 years...my husband noticed and commented on my attraction for another woman (different girl, lasted 3 years)--haha i thought i was hiding it so well--he then went on to say he was cool with it,  not with me sleeping around, but a loving committed relationship with another woman was fine with him...obviously we're not the only polyamorous people around, in fact there's a site called lovingmore.com all about polyamory

as to dayanna 28's questions, no, we don't tell the whole world...we are out in the gay community as a couple, she and i, but my family, straight friends, co-workers...not so much...my kids know we are very close, she's like part of our family, but they aren't aware of a sexual relationship...then again, they don't really fully grasp that about their father and i either, they're too young, and when they get older, they sure won't want to think about their parents having sex!

i don't really have advice for you, every situation is different, everyone has different needs and define relationships differently, and not all women are up for being the secondary partner (luckily, it works well for my girlfriend, suits her needs)...for us, being open and honest with each other has been the reason we've been able to succeed in a polyamorous lifestyle...it's not always easy, but everyone seems to be getting their needs met...

good luck,  i wish you the best, it can be a confusing and difficult journey, but being true to yourself is always the best way to navigate, IMHO

I understand it's a difficult situation to be in, but I think it comes off poorly when married bi women complain about how hard it is to meet women who want to date them.  You don't assume a straight woman wants to date a married man.  You don't assume a lesbian wants to date a woman who's already married or domestic partnered to someone else.

I think married bi women who want to continue to date other women should focus on other married women and not act like it's such a shocker that most single women don't want to get involved with them. 

I agree with Amy M. Being married and bisexual I feel that it is unfair to be upset at single women for not taking a interest in me due to the fact that I'm not unattached. I've always set a standard for myself that if I were to ever be involved with another woman she would have to be married and bisexual. I prefer for a woman to be in a similar situation as myself. I love my husband, I enjoy being with him and I don't have any desire to leave him but being with him doesn't make the longing for female companionship go away either, so I have to be with a woman who understands the situation and feels the same way that I do. So I'm not offended by single women who don't want to have anything to do with married women. If I was single I wouldn't either.

Oh and my husband knows that I'm bi. He's fully aware that the attractions, feelings and desires are there, I just haven't acted on them.

i'm in the different spot in this situation. my girlfriend was married when i first met her. she had frequently dated girls during her marriage, and her husband knew. he was fine with it, cause she always came back to him. however, after she and i started dating she realized she wanted to divorce him and just be with me....be gay with me. its really extremely tough. she's mid-divorce now, and she told her husband that she wanted to leave, and why. the funny thing is, he's most upset cause i'm a girl.

haha. men. bah.

I am married and bisexual. I met the woman of my life while being married. We had a 3 way relationship. The three way relationship was very hard though because of jealousy issues on everyones part. She even had my husbands baby. His little boy which was difficult for me. I love them both. I love her more emotionally than anything. She is understanding and romantic and sensial.. He is well masculine and I dont know... I wish sometimes that I could be given the chance to be with just her and just him or her there when I am with him sometimes but not sexually involved with him. I know this works for some people. I have been told by others that that sounds selfish and you cant have it all. We all have been hurt a lot in the whole thing and we were going to end the relationship but I love them both so much and they the same that its hard. She does lean more towards woman though. I am considering a divorce to be with her but we have children little girls, and I think I would always miss the "arms of a man." I am also at the point of wanting to be able to experience being with her alone so that I can see if that is the answer before I take the big leap but I do not want to cheat on my husband. I have mentioned seperation in the past to him and he says if we are seperating to be with other people we should just divorce. I am so lost... And distrought. I have recently come out to many people though not everyone yet. It was hard for me because I am christian and was raised against this type of thing.. I fought with it within my self and then this is difficult because I do not believe in divorce per say. I do not want to be selfish to my children or anything either. Read my bio for more info.

Everyones just figuring it out, some have just figured out the phase they are facing, next will come a new phase to figure out, then they too will be confused... Again.

I too am married and bisexual.  I love my husband but still long for the closeness and campanionship of another woman.  I've known that I have feelings for both men and women from an early age, but never had the opportunity to be with a woman until recently.

I understand totally single women not wanting to get involved with married women.  I would love to meet another married bisexual woman like myself to become friends with then maybe more.  But where do you go to find someone like that?  I live in a small community and don't have alot of contact with other women and all the online stuff is geared to singles and hooking up. 

I'm married with a man, because I got pregnant and also because we were in the Military. He still is in the military, but I just got out like 3 months ago. He knew my attraction to women since we met, some people started finding out about me and of course you can't be like that because you'll get kicked out. So we started to be with each other. I care about him because of our baby, but I'm not in love at all. I can't stop thinking about women! He says he's dissapointed, but he'll let me meet women. I would feel horrible to do that though, because I would rather have relationships with women. Is anyone feeling like this? Can someone tell me how they accomplish to have relationships with both their husbands and women? How you felt when it first happened? And if its affecting their marriage and their kids? Thanx!

I'm OUT like NEON clothes!!

The flip side is, your husbands could just as likely be "missing" other women and wondering if they got married too early as well. I don't believe being bisexual automatically makes being married harder, I think it depends on the individual. Some people of all the orientations are more naturally inclined to monogamy and others are more inclined to have a wandering eye.  

And being single isn't neccessarily that great either.

It is such a relief to be able to talk to someone else who understands exactly what it's like to be a happily married woman who is attracted to women.  I am afraid of telling my husband about my bisexuality because I am afraid he will internalize this and make it out to be something he is lacking, or something he's done wrong.  When the reality of the situation is, this has nothing to do with him, or our relationship.  This is just a whole other side of me I was never able to explore because when I was realizing my attraction to women I was also dating him.  He's wonderful and I would never want to give him up.  It's kind of like having your most favorite chocolate cake for dessert, the chocolate cake alone is wonderful, but then when you add vanilla ice cream (also fabulous on it's own) on the side just enhances it that much more and dessert is so much better :)

I agree with gigi_d, that every situation is different. There's no single life experience for a 'married bisexual'. The only way to find out what works for you and your relationship at any given moment is to brave the terrifying uncertainties of being honest about your feelings and negotiating what you both need from the relationship.

I've known plenty of bi women who are happiest being exclusive with one person, and whose bisexuality is part of their identity, even if they've never had a partner of the same sex. And, just like anyone, bi women can fall out of love with their old partner and in love with a new one, and so may decide to bring their old relationship to an end, or to continue it but on a new basis.

I've also known bi polyamorous women who are poly because they feel most fulfilled with a lover of each gender; bi poly women who find poly works for them, regardless of gender; and 'bi' women who are actually lesbian but didn't realise they had feelings for women until after they were married, and don't want to wreck their families or hurt their husbands.

If you're exploring the breadth of your sexuality then partners often ask questons which can't be answered. Will you fall in love with someone else? Will you leave me? Is bisexual just a stop on the road to gay- (or straight-) town? Who knows. The only way to find out is to begin on the journey, and while it's both exhilirating and frightening for you, for existing partners the fear tends to be more obvious than any possible benefits.

If you have a strong relationship, then being totally honest and open is always good advice. Your partner(s), old or new, might not completely understand what's going on for you, but at least they know you're being totally honest. And they might not be prepared to have a poly relationship, but they're entitled to feel that way - and you would have to decide whether to be exclusive, leave, or cheat. Or they might surprise you by being quite positive; or unnerve you by asking if that means they can have other girlfriends.

But if you can't be honest with your spouse, because he or she wouldn't be able to cope with you discussing your feelings, then maybe you have bigger problems than exploring your sexuality. If you can't even talk about who you are without your husband feeling threatened, then it's hard to see how you can carry on growing as a person in the relationship. Unless you're afraid for your or your children's safety, then I think it's always worth giving the truth a chance; but if that fails, then I think it's worth asking what's so great about staying with a person with whom you can't be yourself.

i have been with my husband for 6 years and maried for 4. and i was lucky enough to find someone who supported me and my sexuallity. i realised i was bi not long before meeting my husband and in that short time did not have the chance to explore my bi side. i told my husband the first day we became an item that i was bi and never tried to hide it, he was fine with the idea but at the same time did not want me to sleep around and see other people. i was fine with that, i have never cheeted on anybody and did not intend to start. once our relationship grew, we became more and more trusting of each other and after 5 years decided to have another girl join us in the bedroom. and i knew i could never go back. my husband and i now work away from each other and rarely get to see eachother, dont get me wrong we love eachother and are still very much a married couple but in this present economy can not survive with both of us working in the city, we decided that with our present working lifestyle that we would start having an open relationship, as we both soon realized that nights become lonley and everyone has an itch to scratch. we set eachother rules, like, always use protection and you have to tell the other person what is going on. it seems so far to work for us. i have also put restrictions on myself, my husband has told me that i am alowd to be with other men as well as women but i myself do not want that. my husband is the most trusting, loving man i have ever met and i love him dearly, i dont need to have another man in my life. plus i find myself comparing others to him and in my view they dont measure up.

when i meet other girls i am also open with them and tell them that i am married right away, i dont believe in keeping people in the dark, my veiw is that if that they dont want to get involved that is fine, it is not for all people and i do realize that. but to tell you the truth it can work in your favour at times.

My advice is to be open and honest with yourself and your partner and remember that  a marrage is a partnership not a dictatorship work together and take it slow and if you love him press to him that what ever happens it will be him you will be coming home to. but if all else fails ..... have a threesome that way he is involved and wont feel left out.

So, it seems there are a huge number of us in the same situation.  I am married to a man and we also have a committed relationship with another woman.  We all three have been in a physical relationship for over a year.  I am extremely lucky in that my husband is the one who encouraged the relationship with her.  He has always known that I am attracted to women and he knows that in order for me to be truly happy, I need to have both male & female attention.  Men and women provide different & unique things to my life.  It is difficult in this world & especially in the American culture to not feel like an abhorrition.  We all three have typically conservative views on many things. However, we all feel that loving someone isn't limited by gender, race, religion, etc.  Our relationship is very private & discreet.  We all began as friends, so most people don't think anything beyond that. 

 I felt very much like a few of you before I found my girlfriend.  I was open with my husband.  I have been very fortunate to have married someone who is very secure & very understanding.  However, with that being said, I also know that this three way relationship is just like any other.  It takes a great deal of work and responsibility.  Being careful to not hurt anyone's feelings is difficult.  I'm so glad to have found this thread- I think we can all learn a great deal from each other. 

Hey Ladies,

I just wanted to say Yay :) to all of you women who have been so fortunate enough to have a husband who is secure enough to allow you to date women as well as be in the marriage.  I'm a little confused about how the three way relationship works.  Is the other woman like your girlfriend and his, or just your girlfriend, but he accepts her?  If I ever had a girlfriend, I don't think I'd want my husband to be involved.  I hope that doesn't make me a tramp.  :)

I've known I was bi since age 12.  Unfortunately, the girl I had a crush on rejected me.  I felt ashamed and that I had done something wrong so I hid my bisexuality from myself and everyone else for 24 years.  Six years ago, just before I turned 36, my 18 year old son opened my eyes and showed me how to start being ME when he proudly announced he was gay.  I've been married now for 15 years and my husband is happier with me now being an openly bi woman than he was when I was not being my true self.  I feel very fortunate to have a husband that allows me to be myself.  He's never asked to have a threesome, or have a three way relationship.   

Hey Shhh,

There's no 'formula' for having additional relationships.

Some couples have sex together with someone else (a threesome) or bring a third person into their relationship longterm (a menage a trois), but there are lots of other ways of working it which you personally might find suit you better.

Some couples reach an understanding that they are both 'allowed' to have sexual encounters with other people, under conditions that you agree on (e.g. tell each other details/don't tell details; one-offs only/stable relationships only; sex only/romance and sex; girls only/girls and boys etc.). Some opposite-sex couples have an arrangement that the bisexual partner can have a secondary partner of the same sex, but that the heterosexual partner will be exclusive (i.e. not see anyone else).

The important thing is that you talk about things and are honest with each other. I think it's worth recognising that it's a lot for a husband to take onboard at once. The place to start is probably with your feelings, rather than with a shopping list of changes you want to make to your relationship. You can tell him that you are attracted to other women and that you want to talk to him about it, and give him a bit of time to take it onboard.

Of course he might react badly, but then it can be a strain on a relationship to be hiding things all the time, so the benefits of honesty about your feelings may outweigh the risks.

Even if your husband is willing to consider a non-exclusive relationship, non-exclusivity doesn't work for everyone, and it won't solve all underlying problems. It didn't work for me, for example, and eventually I ended my marriage.

If you do want to consider having a non-exclusive relationship, there are lots of books you can consult. For example, Kata Orndorff's book Bi Women paints a picture of some of the varied romantic arrangements bi women find to work for them. The Ethical Slut (now 10 years old) is a guide to staying sane while being polyamorous, while Wendy O-Matik's Redefining Our Relationships is a bit more self-consciously hip. If you don't want to order books to your house then you could ask if they could be delivered to a friend, or perhaps visit a queer community library or bookstore if you are near a major city.

Good luck...

As I read these posts under "Married Bisexuals" I'm thinking this reads like a monogamy/open relationship/sexual orientation thing. 

If you flip it to a hetero couple where the woman still feels attractions to other men, what would it read as if she asked her spouse to allow her to explore that?  It would read destroying vows, having an affair, etc.   Or if one of two lesbians wrote that her partner was insecure because she wanted to act on her attraction to another woman?

And I am not reading about bisexual married women asking their spouse to understand their need to be with another man to 'scratch that itch.'  So I wonder as I read these posts what is it that makes it particular when one is bisexual and married.

Maybe more like a monogamy thing because in a commited, exclusive relationship it wouldn't matter what the sex was of the object of attraction, regardless of the sexuality of the couple?  If it's an agreed upon open relationship type of thing it seems there wouldn't be so much pain in these posts.  

Perhaps those studies and statistics are right--that many of identified bisexuals tend to prefer and be in same sex partnerships.

Otherwise, what is it that differentiates this acting on an attraction particular or different for married bisexuals when it really comes down to it?

Peace.

I am bisexual, but I have not been married to a man or woman. I have, however, been in a monogamous relationship with each at different times in my life. While I was in those relationships, I of course ran across people I found attractive, and had thoughts of being with other people, as I imagine all people (whatever their orientations) do from time to time. But I never acted on those impulses. It just feels like it would be a betrayal.

When you get married, you're saying that that's it. You have made a transition in your life where you want to be settled, and the benefit of being with someone who has vowed not to stray from you is worth the cost of giving up opportunities to stray yourself. It's a serious, but ultimately attractive choice. You don't have to keep looking. You don;t have to be alone. I want it at some point.

If someone got married and then found out later that she had feelings for women, I can't see how that is really any different than if she suddenly came across a man she found distractingly attractive. Either way, it seems like there has been a commitment made, and it should be honored. If you can't honor it, then you should end the marriage and seriously consider whether you are the type who should ever marry again. Just because it's a woman you find yourself attracted to doesn't make it different. That's why I hate Imagine Me & You. She still betrayed him in the end. If it were a man she left him for, she would have (rightly) been skewered for it.

Whenever I do settle down, whether it's with a man or woman, I intend for it to be for the duration, and I intend for my commitment to that person to transcend whatever sexual desires might arise for something different. That's not to say that a marriage should never end. Abuse, betrayal, other major problems that can seriously harm the people involved are valid reasons for going separate ways. Changing your mind isn't.

Ozem, I think you and I basically agree on this issue. I just think the tone of the thread (the sum of the responses) suggests that attraction to women somehow changes the nature of a married relationship for a woman, and I don't think that is at all the case. Just because the attraction is to a woman doesn't make it different. I think this is a hugely important point. Whether that attraction existed before a woman got married or blossomed later is honestly irrelevant in relation to the question of acting on that attraction.

Think about it from a different angle. What if your husband came to you one day and said that he felt something was missing in his life, and that the void could only be filled by, well, not you. It could be anything -- another woman, another man, someone of a certain race or only people of a certain background or set of experiences. Would you really have anything beyond cursory sympathy for him? Would you have any sympathy at all? It was his vow to you to walk with you in life and be there for you whenever and wherever you need him. It was his vow to never put another person before you. If he told you that those vows were causing him misery, would you take it well?

I totally respect your commitment to honor those vows. Like I said, I think you and I agree on this point. That's why there are vows in the first place. If people never felt the need to stray, there would be no need to promise not to, you know? I just think there are lots of people on this thread who think it is somehow OK to betray the people they are exclusive with because of some mythical trump card of same-sex attraction. That just fuels the terrible stereotype of the bisexual who can't be trusted.

I totally hope things get easier for you. And btw, I think you explained very well!

I'm bi & married. My husband is the only one who knows I'm bi in my everyday life. I haven't had much experience, except, a couple of emotional connections online. One day I hope to find someone in person. Not looking for a threesome, though.

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans--John Lennon

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent--Eleanor Roosevelt