Am i actually gay, not bi?

be gay, given that you haven't been physically satisfied by your experiences with men. After all, there must be a reason why you've put so much energy into thinking about women, even when you were with a man--that means that something was missing and that your needs weren't being met. But as Dubai.Girl said, the only way you'll know your sexual preference is to have experience with women, and even then, it could change...Then there's the whole question of labels and how you choose to identify yourself (see the new episode of Cherry bomb!). I think it takes a lot of courage to identify as lesbian, but it's also harder to do that when you're unsure.  Being able to put a label on desire might give you a sense of closure or lead you in one direction over another, but it doesn't have to be decisive...   

Emma can you just clarify - have you actually had sex with a woman now?

Either way from what you say you might be better off just thinking of yourself as queer rather than asking am I gay or bi.

You may find that the best partner/s and lover/s for you turn out to be very masculine women and/or very feminine men - someone trans perhaps.

It's certainly common to aesthetically admire someone or something without feeling sexual attraction.  When I think of the reverse of your situation, I've known plenty of gay men who find many women aesthically pleasing, but they either feel no to very little sexual attraction.

You could really like a particular man or woman for that matter, find them aesthetically pleasing and still not be turned on.  So that's the real question.  Do men ever turn you on at all?  If not than I'd say you're gay.  Remember also sexuality is on a spectrum. So if you're more attracted to women than men you could still be bi, but if you're only sexually attracted to women than you're gay.  Bisexuals can also go through periods where we are more attracted to one gender than the other.

My own attractions tend to tilt more strongly towards women, but I still have an attraction towards men.  I could be happy if I spent the rest of my life only with a woman, but I'd still be attracted to men.  The reverse is not true.  If I were to spend the rest of my life only with a man, it would feel like there is something missing.  The bottom line is I'm going to be bi for the rest of my life, but on the sexual spectrum it's not 50-50.  It's 70-30 in favor of women. 

I think everyone is their own gay, in that everyone defines their sexuality in a completely personal way. I know lesbians who like having sex with men, but find the idea of being in a relationship with a man completely incomprehensible and others who have great emotional connections with men but could never go there sex wise.

 I completely relate to your story. I identified as Bi for a long time, because I was attracted to both men and women, and though the whole thing was very black and white...Im attracted to both men and women therefore Im bi. It wasnt until I got with my first girlfriend that it all clicked, and I realised I preferred girls! I dnt think its anything to do with building it up for ages, becaus if something you do doesnt turn you on, then it doesnt turn you on full stop no matter how much you've thought about it before. I still find men attractive and sometimes think about going there, but then I think about a hot girl.....and its like ...nah, no comparison!

Just be yourself, don't push yourself to be a certain way and don't worry about labels.