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My Bisexual GF Wants a "Break"So I've been dating a Bisexual woman for 3.5 years. It's important to say she's also BiPolar. Anyway, We've been through a lot together and I was also her "first." SHE pursued me and was madly in love with me. Sexually she was like a pro. Not uncomfortable with her sexuality. however, now that it's 3.5 years later I discovered she was having an internet affair (not someone she actually met from what I can tell) and she admitted it to me. This affair was with a MAN. She said since she's been with me she has felt confused about if she really is gay or not. Now she says she doesn't even like kissing me anymore and she feels the excitement of the initial experimenting has died out but that she still loves me....she just doesn't know in "what" way. Now she is requesting a "break" from me to see if she can figure out "How" she loves me...It's important to say she was hospitalized last year for depression and after she got out of the hospital.....I felt I was her best friend but that she didn't see me as a lover. I blamed her lack of sex drive on her meds. However, she has also added that she has had sexual problems with BOTH MEN AND now me. She has an inability to truly let go (if you know what I mean). With both genders.... I'm angry, confused, and hurt. I never liked judging anyone on their bisexuality since it never truly mattered to me (although I'm lesbian). But Now I'm getting the "I told you so" from close friends...what should I do? I feel if I lose her it's putting 3.5 years down the drain.....but I also feel this "break" is just her wa of letting me down easily because she doesn't have the guts to tell me "I'm straight now....but I love you ONLY as a friend." What should I do? She still wants to be friends and she says she LOVES me still......but doesn't feel the initial spark she felt when we first met. I think that's ridiculous....the honeymoon phase always ends.....BUT i was there for her during her hospitalization, I was there for her when things got rough....and now she needs a "break." this is horrible...the worst thing I've ever had to go through in the romantic department.
Submitted by finallydone (2 posts) on July 22, 2008 - 2:04pm. |
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Just my 2 cents...
I can understand how difficult this may be for you. I, too, dated a bi-girl once. In the end she broke up with me and married a guy friend of ours. It hurts, but sometimes if you really love someone you have to let them go. Keeping them simply because you don't want to "loose" them is never the way to go. It will inevitably make them resentful. Let her take whatever time she needs, be a friend, and maintain communication. Whatever decision she makes, let her know that you would rather it be a final decision. It would be hard if she remained with you and and kept being wishy washy about what she wants. On the other hand, if she chooses to end this relationship, don't let her keep you on a string with the hope that she may want to come back to you sometime in the future. After all, you need to think of your future too. ;-)
BTW, I would try not to think of it as "lost" three years. You helped someone you loved, you shared many experiences, and I'm sure you probably grew in some way or another. Take that with you into your future.
I wish you the best of luck regardless of whichever direction this may go.
It Happens
I'm sorry to hear that, but I don't think it really has all that much to do with her sexuality. Of course, that's something only she can say, but if she were gay, after 3.5 years she might have a flirtation with another woman and feel that she doesn't have the same chemistry with you anymore. It sucks, but sometimes it happens.
I, personally, don't like the "break" language. If she feels like she needs to pursue relationships with other people, that's cool, but if I were in your place, I'd just end the relationship, as hard as that is.
I agree.
I understand
Thanks for the feedback Hannah. It's important to say that the internet affair was with a MAN. Not women. She was seeking other male attention.
also, it seems she has had these sexual problems in her PAST relationships with MEN as well. it's not something that is surfacing for the first time.
But because all of this is so complicated, I agree with you. It's best I end this all together.....While I believe lve and relationships take WORK, it should not be JUST work.
Yes I agree with Hannah
That's good advice.
Hannah's Advice
I think Hannah's advice is spot on. I don't think it has anything to do with her sexuality at all but really everything to do with how she feels about you. Lesbians are too quick to blame bisexuality because they really do not want to face the fact that a bisexual just really may not love them/like them, unfortunately. It may be her illness affecting her decision making abilities at the moment but, if she is taking her medications consistently and seems to be in control of all other areas of her life at the moment, you may just have to face the fact that this is how she really feels as much as this hurts right now.
You are also right that the 'honeymoon period' doesn't last forever. What people have to decide is if they want to make it work after that is over. You sound wise enough to know this already. Unfortunately, your girlfriend does not. That is a hard lesson she'll eventually have to learn.
Ross and Rachel from Friends
Whenever I hear "I want a break:, I flashback to Rachel and Ross on Friends...
"BUT WE WERE ON A BREAK!"