What I wish I could say to my parents

I wrote this a few months ago. I just wanted to share. This goes out to everyone who shares these fears and hopes. You are not alone out there:

I lied today. I lie most days. I lied about my sexuality. It is probably the only part of my life that I lie so consistently about. I wake up everyday, knowing that I’m gay, and I say nothing. I go about my business, and do everything as I always have. My parents dream of my life with a husband and kids. I don’t tell them that this won’t happen. I don’t let on that they will never have a son-in-law. I don’t tell them that I agree with gay marriage. I don’t tell them that one day, that happy lesbian who finally commits might be me. I don’t tell my mom that the soul mate I want to find will be a woman. I do my best not to lie directly. I don’t use gender specific pronouns, and I dodge direct questions. But when they talk about the “eventual husband” I don’t raise a voice of correction, I let it pass. I lie each day by omission. What I fail to say is powerful, nagging at my soul.

I want to tell them. I want to be fully honest. I know that day will come. It will be hard, and probably followed by many more hard days. I expect shouting, disagreement, possibly utter rejection. These things scare me. I’m frightened everyday of these things. But what I think I fear the most is the silence that will follow. I fear not fighting with them. I fear being cut out, left out. Not being a part of my family anymore because I’ve somehow “chosen” to be gay. I fear being rejected for a thing that is not a choice, but a truth. I never chose to be gay. I am attracted to women, on a chemical and basic level. I fear that this truth will lead my family to reject me.

Part of my relationship with my parents is the perfection that I stand on. I’m intelligent, hard-working, civic minded. I have gifts, and I use them. My parents love and respect me. I’m so afraid that these things will pale when they now that I’m gay. I will no longer be their pride and joy. They won’t brag about my accomplishments to friends anymore. I will be a topic of hushed worry, and hidden from family discussion for fear of the shame I bring. The reason I keep lying is because I’m afraid my parents will lie about me. I worry that they won’t be able to share my pride and purpose in being gay.

I worry for my future companion, that she won’t be accepted and loved by my family. My mom once told me that she would not attend a gay wedding. My parents always expressed that they would love me all the same if were I gay, but wouldn’t support me being gay. They would do nothing that seemed in support of that. Family is such a pillar to my life. If I choose to marry or be bound in some legal and spiritual fashion, I want my family to be there. I want my dad to give me away. I want them to bless my partner and my union. I want to dance with them at the reception. I want to wave to them as the limousine pulls away. And I want to call from my home to update them about my life with my partner, just as my siblings have done and will do. My parents are some of the most beautiful and loving people that I’ve ever known, and I want my partner to experience that love.

I worry that this will never look like part of God’s plan for me to my mother. It is such a struggle even for me to see this as anything but a mistake or fluke. I ultimately believe that God made me this way to bless my life, and help me bless those around me. The Christian world at this point in history does not see homosexuality this way. It is viewed as a sin, right up there with child-molestation and cheating on your spouse. In my own journey, I see it as a path of love. It is consensual, between adults. It is private, and true, and can be lovely. Eventually, I will find a woman who will make me complete, and God will be that which is at the center of our relationship. We will be better together, fulfilled in Christ and one another. I fear that my mom will never see this as legitimate and that this is only a curse or sin or hindrance to my spiritual fullness.

I fear that my parents will always be waiting for the day I turn straight. The day I realize it was all a misunderstanding, and realize I really do like men. I worry that they will see this as a phase, or a joke, or mistake, or some strange fleeting fantasy. I worry that they will never see this as a part of who I am. I also worry that they will see this as who I am. I am not my sexuality. I have so many things to offer that do not really rely on my sexuality. I can be a great engineer, public-servant, daughter, sister, and friend whether I like men or women. Who I am and have grown to be has not changed. I am still the me they thought I was. I like the same music, literature, movies, sports and things that I did when they thought I was straight. I still value the same things in family, God, friendship, responsibility, love, parenting, work, ethics, and morality as I was raised with. This thing, me being gay, it is only that. The person who will share this life that I build, that my parents have helped me build through the years of my life, will be a woman. But that life is the same. I am still me!

I don’t want to be tolerated. Toleration is different than acceptance. It is separate from love. People and things that are tolerated are things you dislike, but have learned to let pass. I don’t want my parents to let me pass. I want love, I want acceptance. What I fear most, is that my parents won’t give me these things when they know I’m gay. I hope that they will love me, and love my partner. I actually hope that they will one day be happy that I’m gay. That dreams is so many years away. But it comes from a deep belief that everything happens for a reason. All this is for a greater plan. Even me being gay, its all part of the plan, and the plan is better for it. I still struggle with this, because so often its hard to see past the current pain and frustration. But one day I’ll know exactly why, and so will everyone else.

So today I lied. I’ll lie tomorrow too and probably for many days and months to come. But there was an ounce of truth. I didn’t lie to myself today. And one day, I will be truthful with others. For as many things as I fear about that day, I know that it will come. The only thing I hate more than all these fears, is the idea of never facing them.