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What I wish I could say to my parents

What I wish I could say to my parents

I wrote this a few months ago. I just wanted to share. This goes out to everyone who shares these fears and hopes. You are not alone out there:

 

I lied today. I lie most days. I lied about my sexuality. It is probably the only part of my life that I lie so consistently about. I wake up everyday, knowing that I’m gay, and I say nothing. I go about my business, and do everything as I always have. My parents dream of my life with a husband and kids. I don’t tell them that this won’t happen. I don’t let on that they will never have a son-in-law. I don’t tell them that I agree with gay marriage. I don’t tell them that one day, that happy lesbian who finally commits might be me. I don’t tell my mom that the soul mate I want to find will be a woman. I do my best not to lie directly. I don’t use gender specific pronouns, and I dodge direct questions. But when they talk about the “eventual husband” I don’t raise a voice of correction, I let it pass. I lie each day by omission. What I fail to say is powerful, nagging at my soul.

I want to tell them. I want to be fully honest. I know that day will come. It will be hard, and probably followed by many more hard days. I expect shouting, disagreement, possibly utter rejection. These things scare me. I’m frightened everyday of these things. But what I think I fear the most is the silence that will follow. I fear not fighting with them. I fear being cut out, left out. Not being a part of my family anymore because I’ve somehow “chosen” to be gay. I fear being rejected for a thing that is not a choice, but a truth. I never chose to be gay. I am attracted to women, on a chemical and basic level. I fear that this truth will lead my family to reject me.

Part of my relationship with my parents is the perfection that I stand on. I’m intelligent, hard-working, civic minded. I have gifts, and I use them. My parents love and respect me. I’m so afraid that these things will pale when they now that I’m gay. I will no longer be their pride and joy. They won’t brag about my accomplishments to friends anymore. I will be a topic of hushed worry, and hidden from family discussion for fear of the shame I bring. The reason I keep lying is because I’m afraid my parents will lie about me. I worry that they won’t be able to share my pride and purpose in being gay.

I worry for my future companion, that she won’t be accepted and loved by my family. My mom once told me that she would not attend a gay wedding. My parents always expressed that they would love me all the same if were I gay, but wouldn’t support me being gay. They would do nothing that seemed in support of that. Family is such a pillar to my life. If I choose to marry or be bound in some legal and spiritual fashion, I want my family to be there. I want my dad to give me away. I want them to bless my partner and my union. I want to dance with them at the reception. I want to wave to them as the limousine pulls away. And I want to call from my home to update them about my life with my partner, just as my siblings have done and will do. My parents are some of the most beautiful and loving people that I’ve ever known, and I want my partner to experience that love.

I worry that this will never look like part of God’s plan for me to my mother. It is such a struggle even for me to see this as anything but a mistake or fluke. I ultimately believe that God made me this way to bless my life, and help me bless those around me. The Christian world at this point in history does not see homosexuality this way. It is viewed as a sin, right up there with child-molestation and cheating on your spouse. In my own journey, I see it as a path of love. It is consensual, between adults. It is private, and true, and can be lovely. Eventually, I will find a woman who will make me complete, and God will be that which is at the center of our relationship. We will be better together, fulfilled in Christ and one another. I fear that my mom will never see this as legitimate and that this is only a curse or sin or hindrance to my spiritual fullness.

I fear that my parents will always be waiting for the day I turn straight. The day I realize it was all a misunderstanding, and realize I really do like men. I worry that they will see this as a phase, or a joke, or mistake, or some strange fleeting fantasy. I worry that they will never see this as a part of who I am. I also worry that they will see this as who I am. I am not my sexuality. I have so many things to offer that do not really rely on my sexuality. I can be a great engineer, public-servant, daughter, sister, and friend whether I like men or women. Who I am and have grown to be has not changed. I am still the me they thought I was. I like the same music, literature, movies, sports and things that I did when they thought I was straight. I still value the same things in family, God, friendship, responsibility, love, parenting, work, ethics, and morality as I was raised with. This thing, me being gay, it is only that. The person who will share this life that I build, that my parents have helped me build through the years of my life, will be a woman. But that life is the same. I am still me!

I don’t want to be tolerated. Toleration is different than acceptance. It is separate from love. People and things that are tolerated are things you dislike, but have learned to let pass. I don’t want my parents to let me pass. I want love, I want acceptance. What I fear most, is that my parents won’t give me these things when they know I’m gay. I hope that they will love me, and love my partner. I actually hope that they will one day be happy that I’m gay. That dreams is so many years away. But it comes from a deep belief that everything happens for a reason. All this is for a greater plan. Even me being gay, its all part of the plan, and the plan is better for it. I still struggle with this, because so often its hard to see past the current pain and frustration. But one day I’ll know exactly why, and so will everyone else.

So today I lied. I’ll lie tomorrow too and probably for many days and months to come. But there was an ounce of truth. I didn’t lie to myself today. And one day, I will be truthful with others. For as many things as I fear about that day, I know that it will come. The only thing I hate more than all these fears, is the idea of never facing them.

 

Comments


Roo0o0o's picture

That was really good

It's everything I've been wanting to write and say for a long time. Is this copyrighted??? ;)

Its very very good. I hope you get a chance to give it to them and they love you for who you are. Good luck :)

 

 

brainfreeze28's picture

its just been bouncing

its just been bouncing around in my harddrive. haven't ever showed it to anyone before.
Marcie's picture

Me too.

I hope that one day I won't feel compelled to lie. I also hope one day that you won't either.
Psychopractor's picture

I lie too.

Unfortunatly, we live in a society where we can be driven by fear to act against our own morals and lie to those we love the most. Every lie is painful, yet neccessary. Someday, I will hopefully not need to do so anymore. For me, that day comes closer and closer with each passing moment that I am more comfortable with myself and feel the need to be released. Good luck to you and all who feel compelled to lie about their true being, for that is the only sin that we commit.
Katy's picture

I almost cried

The easiest way for me to cry is to imagine coming out to my parents and being rejected and forgotten. I'm sure many readers on AE share the same lie and feel the same pain. I sometimes fantasize how all this is just needless worrying but I know better. Let's hope that my fantasy is true to some extend and the pain will be less than what we all thought.
Anonymous's picture

It sounds like something I

It sounds like something I wrote, because my situation is exactly the same with my parents. At least we have an outlet where we can express ourselves and have others who understands it because it seems like the only thing we can do. Keep hope alive! We shall overcome lol. Take it ease..

Bandida's picture

I was in this same point in life about

I felt like this about 2 1/2 years ago for months and a few days before the 4th of July. A long time ago I had these exact same fears until one day I couldn't take it. So I called my mom and told her something I had planned on revealing after I was 18. The line was silent for about 30 seconds until she said,                              "Remember when I told you that I will always love you no matter what or who you are?"                                                                                                         "Yeah..."                                                                                                       "Well I meant it."                                                                                              In that instant I had never felt more relieved or happy in my entire life. After that I asked if she could tell Mark my stepdad and she did. Surprisingly he already knew and was waiting for me to come out to him when I was ready. After that I that I told the rest of my family except for my grandma.

For awhile I had been playing a mental tug of war with my mind as to whether or not my grandma would be able to handle it. So on the 4th of July I came out to my grandma. I had not planned this at all and was mad at myself that my words had betrayed me when I least expected it. However, after an hour of discussing it with her we both came to a better understanding of each other. She found out that her favorite granddaughter likes both boys and girls, alot, and I should have had more faith in her because in the end she accepted me for exactly who I am.

I consider myself extremely lucky because I no longer have to lie anymore.                               

brainfreeze28's picture

wow

Just cruising through my old posts. So glad that I got out of this point in my life and came out to my parents. They were so much better than I expected and I am so blessed to have a wonderful gf that my parents consider part of the family. I am so lucky that so much has changed. I can't even believe how much I hurt during that time in my life!
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