|
Columns
Video
Currently Recapping
Popular People
|
Sexually inexperienced, especially with women - how much judgment is there?I'm 29 and married to a wonderful guy who I love. My issue is that I'm inexperienced sexually speaking with both genders, especially with women. My most exciting sexual experience though, without doubt, was with a woman I met in a club in my second year at uni. It was incredible. She was in the band that was playing there, and her name was Eve (how perfect is that!) It was my first, and if I’m honest, most genuine sexual connection with a girl. And we didn't even do anything that major. Nothing below the waist, and I feel really pathetic admitting that. All my other experiences with women were 'experimental' I guess - they were all with women who were straight, or who later turned out to be straight - I guess they were just kidding around or discovering themselves or whatever, and I don't blame them for that at all.
The kicker is this: I don’t know if I’ve ever had what counts as full sex with a woman. I’m pretty lame in that sense. I’ve had sex with two men in my life, including my husband, and I’ve had oral sex and mutual masturbation with one woman, along with various other fun stuff with three other women. I grew up in a very strict household and I feel like it inhibited me sexually. I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty. I also have very little experience with the lesbian or bi ‘scene’ (huh). I feel ridiculous. How pathetic am I?
I could go rambling on for a few pages here about all this and
more, but I’ve only just joined the forum so I’d better not. Don’t get me wrong
– I love my husband and I neither want to leave him or cheat on him, but I do
regret my lack of experience and I know there’s much more to sex than what I
currently know. I find myself wondering if he’d go for a threesome, or a voyeur
situation where I’m with another woman. I haven’t done anything about it yet,
but it still makes me feel almost ashamed just thinking about it and I don’t
know why. I know the idea of me with another woman turns him on as an idea; I
don’t know if it would translate well for him in reality. We've discussed the subject but not seriously.
I have so many questions: How much judgment is there for being bisexual? Is there more judgment for being bi in the gay community than there is in the straight community? Why does that judgment even exist? I’m not pissing about here, I know who I’m attracted to and it encompasses men and women – so sue me. It's like art - I know almost nothing about it, but I see someone and I know whether they're beautiful to me or not. Should I eventually try to tell my husband that I’m bisexual? He knows that I find women attractive as well as men, but I’m not sure whether he realizes the distinction between finding women attractive and being attracted to them. I realize that distinction and it’s part of me. I feel like my sexuality shouldn’t make such a huge difference to our relationship, because he’s the person I chose to spend my life with and I don’t regret that decision. But how would he feel if he knew that I might also have chosen to spend my life with a woman? Gah! I’m just so new at expressing my feelings on this subject. I’ve never done it before, not out loud as it were, and I’m confused, and uncomfortably aware of how little I really know about any of this.
I don’t really know what else to say at the moment. I’m so fricking nervous about even putting this fairly anonymous post out there. Um, does anyone have any general comments or advice about any of this, to impart to someone who’s still so relatively green? Submitted by Cleo (5 posts) on June 13, 2008 - 9:55am. |
Recent blog posts
New forum topicsActive TopicsNew Comments
|
Welcome to AfterEllen.com!
- Login
- Join Now!
News, Reviews & Commentary on Lesbian and Bisexual women in Entertainment and the Media
Please be really careful with this situation...
because two very important things in your life -- your marriage and your sexual identity as you know it -- could end up changing forever (for better or worse). I think you should consider talking to a professional before you talk to your husband about all this. A lot of people may disagree with that but I can't emphasize enough the value of a neutral third party's ability to simply listen and offer level-headed observations. That could be a really big help in working through some of the confusion and shame you're experiencing.
Lastly, don't be in a huge hurry to bring a third party into your marital bedroom. Fantasy and reality are two animals that don't always play well together.
First off, thank you very
First off, thank you very much for your advice. At this point, I really value any comments from anyone who knows what they're talking about, which I currently don't. I may not have expressed myself very well though, so I'd like to clarify that I've no intention of cheating on my husband. Our sex life is fine. I didn't mean that I want to go out and have sex with, or fall in love with, anyone other than him, in the monagomous sense.
I've already chosen to be with him for the rest of my life and I've neither the desire or the inclination to go back on that. What I'm concerned about is expressing my feelings towards women to him. As a secondary point, I wondered whether it might be possible, eventually, to make that part of our sex life. Put it this way: our sex life is satisfying, but it could do with a bit more honesty. To me, honesty equals excitement in terms of sex. It would mean a lot to me if he knew that in my mind these things were real, not contrived fantasies. Basically what I meant was is there a way to make this part of our sex life? I love him and I'm absolutely committed, but can I confess this to him? I chose him as a person, not as a male.
I'm sorry. This probably doesn't make any more sense than my original post, and I do accept that you probably know what you're talking about way more than I do. I'm just scared, that's all. I've never vocalised my bisexuality to anyone before, so I'm nervous about the reaction. I mean, I know it's not the most accepted orientation out there, far from it. I feel like everyone is going to judge me for being so late to the bar.
Sorry, I know this is a really crap reply. I sound more pathetic than I am in real life when it comes to this topic.
The professional 3rd party help/therapy is still a good idea.
Please take this for what it is worth as you have pointed out already, some times it is hard to communicate things as clearly as you want to in posts here. So what I am about to write is based on what seems to be going on with you.
As much as the focus seems to be about your bisexuality and including your bisexuality into your sex life with your husband...what seems to really be going on here is your coming out process. Sure you are bisexual but a coming out is still a coming out. Whether it is a teenage girl who realizes she likes girls and wants to talk to her parents about this...or a 50 year-old wife and mother of two teen children who now knows for sure she is a lesbian and needs to talk to her husband...or a wife who wants her husband to know this is a real part of her...it does not matter your age...this is about coming out.
And along with the coming out is the angst of how the people we love will act and react toward us once we share this part of ourselves with them.
That is why a therapist is a great idea...because we have to fully come out to ourselves before we can come out to others...so as to not put the emotional heaviness of this (for us) on the other person's shoulders.
Also I think regarding the mentioning of bringing someone else into a couple's bedroom and sex life...I suspect the possibility of falling for someone else in trying to add spice to your sex life with your huband was mentioned because there really is a big difference between what you might fantasize and what reality might turn out to be.
The reality is that most people cannot put their emotions, feelings and insecurities on a shelf while having a fun-filled 3-way tryst and then everyone just puts their clothes back on and goes about living their lives. Attachments are often formed...jealousies arise. That is what happens when you are dealing with other human beings as lovers and you are not paying them by the hour.
A female friend of mine (before I met her) and her husband both thought it was a great idea (or so it seemed) to bring a woman they were both attracted to into their sexual relationship, now and then. Well, it turned into a hot mess and by the time I came along and met my friend through work, her marriage was on the way out. My friend could never be friends with that woman ever again...they had to cut her out of their lives in order to try to save their marriage. The woman fell in love with my friend. My friend was jealous of the woman because she was sure her husband was falling in love with the other woman. All three of them were left hurting on the inside. (And believe me, this is the condensed version of the mess that went on between these 3.)
Yes, there are judgements about bisexuals but that doesn't seem to be the biggest issue with what you are dealing with at the moment. There is always the occasion for one group to look down upon another group in order to try to feel better about themselves. It happens.
And being bisexual and being attracted to both men and women doesn't equate to acting on every attraction.
So my suggestion is to first seek out some therapy to get assistance in deciding for yourself what being bisexual means for you and how (if at all) it changes how you go about living your life. And once you have that "blueprint" for yourself...or at least have it started...then talk to your husband about who you really, authentically are...and then take the rest of your life from there.
Good luck. :)
Thank you so much. The day
Thank you so much. The day I wrote that post, I came out to my husband in the evening. I was shocked to discover that he'd already guessed as much, that he'd suspected it almost since we met, and that it had become fairly obvious over the time we'd been together, by the way that I talked about, and looked at, men and women in almost exactly the same way, but with the rider that often when I expressed an attraction to a woman, I backed it up with somewhat defensive comments. He said he was absolutely fine with it, that it doesn't bother him at all. I was pretty relieved I can tell you.
I'm lucky in the sense that he's always been fairly fluid himself when it comes to men and women. He's straight, but, as an example of his personality, he's never had a problem touching his male friends in a far more affectionate way than any other straight man I've ever known. And he'll admit quite happily that a man is an attractive man, in a way that other straight men I've known don't. (Now I come to think about it...is there something he's not telling me? Hmm...well that's an issue for another day.)
Anyway, I think you were absolutely right in your assessment; I was more concerned about admitting my sexuality, to myself and to him, than I was about 'spicing up' our sex life. I just felt so weird about the fact that I was already married and approaching thirty, before I fully faced this about myself. But now that I've told the only person who really needs to know, I feel so much more free, and I also suddenly feel that I don't need to add a female dimension to our sex life. After all, if I were straight, I'd feel exactly the same about the 'look but don't touch' rule, which has always been important to both me and him. And now, for us, that rule encompasses my freedom to fancy women as well as men and be honest about it.
So for now, we're just expanding the fantasy side of our sex life, but the reality of it is just going to be me and him. Maybe in a few years we might experiement a little further if it feels right, but it no longer feels necessary. And I must admit I've never actually known anyone that had a successful threesome, but I have known a couple of people who've had troublesome threesomes.
So thank you so much for your wise comments. I was agonising over an aspect of myself, not an aspect of my real life sex life. Whew! The process has started and I feel so much better for it.
trying not to offend
ok i know i really have no right to say anything because im not a professional but this is my opinion based on what you have said to other people. I do whole heartedly agree that you should see a professional before you say anything to your husband...its good to pre sort
Notice
1. you want to stay married to him BUT you want to reguraly include a woman not a one time thing but a regular thing. He might be ok with it but after awile he may feel left out or taken avantage of.
2. If you two do decide to include a woman in your bedroom will you devote the same attention to your husband as to her? and if not you have to ask yourself...am i just proposing the idea of a threesome with a woman so i can figure out my feelings for woman...figuring out your sexuality at your husbands expense is not fair to him
im trying to not offend you but this is how i see it
its ok to be confused about your sexuality....everyone is at one time...but if your a truly monogamous person you chose your husband and only him, not him and maybe a woman. if it is any other way he has the right to know, his life is going to be affected. being bisexual means being able to be attracted to both sexes. but that does not mean that bisexuals never choose their love to be monogamous with. they just have a bigger group to choose their love from. I hate it when people think bisexuals are people who are never monogamous and are confused about what they want.
Seconded!!
I, too, would highly recommend seeing a therapist regarding this subject. There is a lot to loose compared to what might be gained. The thing is, you need to be emotionally prepared for what may happen, i.e. falling in love with a woman, finding out that you would rather be with a woman, your husband becoming insecure about the connection you have with another woman, or your husband realizing that you having sex with another woman is not just about him.
Here are some questions to ponder over, though:
Are you sexually satisfied with your husband? If so, then why do you feel you need to expore things with a woman?
What would happen if you had sex with a woman and found that you had an emotional connection to her? Would you consider leaving your husband for a woman?
I would rent the movie Sex Monster. Funny movie, but it brings a lot of these points home. Good luck.
Honesty
I kind of know how you are
I know EXACTLY how you
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I could have written your post, except for the part about being sexually inexperienced....because you have more than I do. I have only ever slept with one man, who is now my husband, and I've never even so much as kissed a girl.
I'm debating on whether or not to tell him. On one hand, it feels so pointless, because I don't plan to do anything, like cheat on him, and a threesome is kind of out of the question simply because I don't even know anyone in this town, let alone someone I'd want to sleep with, with my husband. (And two, because in that case I'd rather make it a twosome anyway. And...like a pp said, I'd be afraid that I'd fall hard for her and then where would I be?)
On the other hand, I feel like a big fat phony. I realized about a few weeks before our wedding that I'm attracted to women, but I thought it would pass. Now (four years later) it hasn't, and I realize that I've ALWAYS been attracted to women. We also have two kids now, so that really complicates things.
I don't know whether I'm bi or gay. I guess technically I'm bi, because I'm married to a man and sex with him is fine. (And sometimes better than fine. ;) ) But he is the ONLY man I'm even slightly attracted to. If our marriage was to end for whatever reason, that would be the end of me being with men.
Ditto that
KatCooper, it is the same for me! And I did tell my husband it and ended up being pretty pointless. I mean, nothing is going to change. I'm not about to launch into an affair, but of course now he thinks I am. It's been almost 2 years since I came out to him, and i still feel like I have to prove my faithfulness to him. (And i've never given him a reason to doubt me)
So, to Eloise, there are a lot of us out here who feel like you do. My advice would be to let yourself become accustomed to your sexuality before you do anything else. And this could take some time, even years. Just let it sit for a while, you'll eventually come to a place where you'll feel comfortable.
Ozem, that sounds
Ozem, that sounds crappy. That is exactly what I'm afraid of happening. I don't want him to have to wonder everytime I hang out with a girl friend that I'm cheating on him, because I would NEVER. I have such strong feelings about cheating.
It does make me feel better that there are others like me. Sometimes I feel out of place here (I mostly lurk) because I'm not a typical lesbian since I'm married.
If anyone wants to chat more, I'd love to. It's nice to be able to talk about my feelings with people who understand. :)
he could be different
I came out to my husband and he reacted very differently. complete opposite. He even went so far as to suggest that
A. we have an opened marriage on my end. But only if it was a female. Cause somehow if its a woman it dosnt count as cheating. I dont really understand his reasoning. Luckily Im the sane one here and I know cheating is cheating.
B. Have a threeome. Although I dont really know how this would work cause I dont just sleep with anyone. There has got to be emotional connection. And we all know that when emotions are ivolved things can get ugly. Besides Im not into the girls hes into. And the girl im into is definitely not into him. so thats a no go
C If I ever did cheat (male or female) he wouldnt leave me any way. Sounds fishy to me but I dont plan on testing it out.
Im not saying hat your huband is going be like my husband but he might not react lke ozem's husband eiter. He could fall in the middle. A loving secure and supportive partner that doesnt freak out on you but doesnt open the gates a say "experiment!"
You just gotta know and understand who youre with
Thanks for your comments
My husband and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I've never actually came out and SAID in plain English that I am bi, but if he hasn't figured it out by now...well, holy crap he's dumb. Haha! I think he has the clue though. Yesterday, something was said in sarcasm about he could have a girlfriend and I could see someone else, too. He said, "So I'd have a girlfriend and you'd have a girlfriend?" I was like, "Yeah, pretty much."
Seriously though. He's been talking about a threesome forEVER now. I'm all for it, but like you said, I won't sleep with just anyone. And really, I'd prefer he not be there. But I guess that wouldn't be a threesome, huh?
I don't know though, because I really like being monogamous, and the idea of doing anything that could hurt my kids in the future is painful to me.
Similar Boat
Hi KatCooper. You and I have much in common. I've been married for 24 years to the same man. No kids. I kind of knew about my attraction to girls years ago, but back then it was not very acceptable. I had a relationship with my bestfriend when I was about 16 which lasted almost two years. Plus, you're expected to marry, so I thought those feelings would pass. As time goes on and especially here lately, they are becoming more prevalent. I have found myself falling for my current bestfriend who is also married. She doesn't know this about me and is straight, however, sometimes I wonder. Due to her strict religious convictions and loyalty to her husband, I believe she would never act on any possible bi feelings she may have, however, I have to think that she's thought about it. She and I have so much in common. Have you ever fallen for a friend? I want to be honest with her, however, I don't want to lose the friendship. I think of her 24-7 and can't sleep at night.
Like you, I feel out of place being on this site, however, I find comfort in knowing there are others like me in similar situations. I enjoyed reading your remarks and welcome any comments you may have. Take care.
Olivia Lady in Virginia
A Lesbian's Response
Hi Eloise,
I am in my late 40s and have a little advice. You are at a turning point if you are seriously considering a 3-way with your husband. You will change your relationship FOREVER with him. You may stay married, but it will never be the same and you will be on a emotional rollercoaster you cannot imagine. My humble opinion.
There are two issues as I see it. First, all of us in long-term monogamous relationships say "no" to many other opportunities for attraction, male or femaile. So on one hand, we are all in the situation of turning down many potentiial experiences for the kind that takes years to build (a long time with one person).
However, the second issue is one of identity and what that means to you. I cannot agree more with people who tell you to talk to a neutral third party. It isn't your husband's job to process this with you, even if he is completely accepting and unthreatened. There is a difference in saying, "I'm attracted to -insert name of famous woman- but I love my husband" to saying "I am feeling a strong emotional and physical attraction to women that may be an important part of who I am." I guess I mean it's worth taking seriously, and not trying to work it out with your husband. Maybe it is not an important thing, but it may continue to be an issue for you and it will be painful (to him) to process it with you. I wouldn't want to help my girlfriend process her growing sense of attraction to men.
This is just my perspective.