Sexually inexperienced, especially with women - how much judgment is there?
I'm 29 and married to a wonderful guy who I love. My issue is that I'm inexperienced sexually speaking with both genders, especially with women. My most exciting sexual experience though, without doubt, was with a woman I met in a club in my second year at uni. It was incredible. She was in the band that was playing there, and her name was Eve (how perfect is that!) It was my first, and if I’m honest, most genuine sexual connection with a girl. And we didn't even do anything that major. Nothing below the waist, and I feel really pathetic admitting that. All my other experiences with women were 'experimental' I guess - they were all with women who were straight, or who later turned out to be straight - I guess they were just kidding around or discovering themselves or whatever, and I don't blame them for that at all.
The kicker is this: I don’t know if I’ve ever had what counts as full sex with a woman. I’m pretty lame in that sense. I’ve had sex with two men in my life, including my husband, and I’ve had oral sex and mutual masturbation with one woman, along with various other fun stuff with three other women. I grew up in a very strict household and I feel like it inhibited me sexually. I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty. I also have very little experience with the lesbian or bi ‘scene’ (huh). I feel ridiculous. How pathetic am I?
I could go rambling on for a few pages here about all this and
more, but I’ve only just joined the forum so I’d better not. Don’t get me wrong
– I love my husband and I neither want to leave him or cheat on him, but I do
regret my lack of experience and I know there’s much more to sex than what I
currently know. I find myself wondering if he’d go for a threesome, or a voyeur
situation where I’m with another woman. I haven’t done anything about it yet,
but it still makes me feel almost ashamed just thinking about it and I don’t
know why. I know the idea of me with another woman turns him on as an idea; I
don’t know if it would translate well for him in reality. We've discussed the subject but not seriously.
I have so many questions: How much judgment is there for being bisexual? Is there more judgment for being bi in the gay community than there is in the straight community? Why does that judgment even exist? I’m not pissing about here, I know who I’m attracted to and it encompasses men and women – so sue me. It's like art - I know almost nothing about it, but I see someone and I know whether they're beautiful to me or not. Should I eventually try to tell my husband that I’m bisexual? He knows that I find women attractive as well as men, but I’m not sure whether he realizes the distinction between finding women attractive and being attracted to them. I realize that distinction and it’s part of me. I feel like my sexuality shouldn’t make such a huge difference to our relationship, because he’s the person I chose to spend my life with and I don’t regret that decision. But how would he feel if he knew that I might also have chosen to spend my life with a woman? Gah! I’m just so new at expressing my feelings on this subject. I’ve never done it before, not out loud as it were, and I’m confused, and uncomfortably aware of how little I really know about any of this.
I don’t really know what else to say at the moment. I’m so fricking nervous about even putting this fairly anonymous post out there. Um, does anyone have any general comments or advice about any of this, to impart to someone who’s still so relatively green?
