Honestly, I don't really like the labels butch and femme. Some people feel completely comfortable with these but I think they are either WAY too specific and they don't really give a lot of leeway.

Personally, I feel that the labeling that we deal with in our own community is getting to a point where it is just hard to keep track of. If you're butch, your soft, stone, hard, you can be a dyke or a baby dyke or a lipstick les, or a femme or a boi. I don't even know what the proper definition WOULD be for any of these. And it almost feels like we are starting to create subcategories in our community. There are even people who feel that dating the polar opposite to how you identify yourself is the only way to go! (For instance some who may mention "butch on butch crime.") It's really getting to be extremely absurd. We are already outcasts in many different societies, lets not try to for clicks or subsections for ourselves that might discriminate against anyone, much less those of us who don't really feel comfortable putting such specific labels on ourselves merely because how we may dress from one day to the next.

If you don't feel comfortable with a label, then ignore the ignorant ones who put it on you. I think what has happened to you is a few bad seeds who have gotten way too trigger happy with the label maker so just ignore 'em. You would want a nice gal who isn't as vapid as those gals seem to be.

Sorry if it seemed like a rant and I hope that it helps somewhat.

-Alejandra

then you don't have to qualify your gender. while it can be a natural human tendency, i don't like it when people demand or assume labels.

seriously, that first chick... there is no way to know if someone is "butch" or not the first time you meet them. yes you may look more masculine than some women, but my guess is that there is much more to you than how you look. I'm going to guess that you're a well rounded human who has varying interests that may or may not correspond to the stereotypes that society have assigned to gender roles.

Alejandra, I hope you find people who are more wise and experienced who don't make assumptions about you. Please, continue to be yourself. You sound really cool, and it would be a tragedy, in my opinion, to change just to please the ignorant people around you. Stay true! and good luck!!!!

Interesting question you put out here.. Untill this day I still dont understand the butch-femme-thing as it is. In most Asian and African countries it is the most normal thing among lesbians. You have to pick a side, in order to get a girlfriend. If you wanna have a girly gf, you should present yourself as a butch, cause otherwise your chances to get one will be very small indeed. It goes the other way around as well. In Thailand, for example I could not get a date, cause I am in none of the 2 categories. I am what they call a genderblender sort of girl. Girly and boyish at the same time. I like girls who are the same as me. Offcourse, I had girly girlfriends.. but I find boyish girls extremely sexy. Butches on the other hand, wont do anything for me.

Anyway, I am very interested how things are in the U.S., since I am writing my thesis about butch/femme around the world. I understood that this thing is still happening in the US, but maybe I am wrong. I would like to hear/read your stories about that.

If you wanna read something about African lesbians, check out Saskia Wieringa and Ruth Morgan. They wrote a book and a few articles about that.

Whether it's fair or not, obviously people have the right to be attracted to whoever they are. So for the girl who thought you were too butch to date, basically you weren't her type, and that's an easy shorthand.

The one who asked if you were m- or f-identified....I'm sure she was trying to be considerate, and thought you might be trans and be offended to be referred to as f. However, that was a kinda blunt way to do it. When I am in that situation usually I just refrain from using any pronouns about the person until I hear what other people use.

I'm kind of in-between too - my straight friends think I'm not very feminine (though I'm totally fine being in one of their weddings and wearing a dress and heels), and my gay friends often think I'm a bit too girly. Ah life.

For the most part, though, I find a big mix of people dating. I think it's fine to only be attracted to girly-girls or to butch girls. I only get annoyed when people start talking about who OTHER people should date. IE if you see two butch girls together and they bad-mouth that. Seriously, can't we all just get along and let people be who they are? Isn't that what our community is about?

who ask that shit upfront are people who are too stupid to accept you as you are and have to have some sort of category to go by in able to process you. i'm versatile/androgyn/in-between/whatever and most people down here don't know how to process it..i'm not butch/stud enough for feminine women and definitely not femme enough for the butches, AND apparently not butch enough to be a 'homeboy' or something. Wat-Eva. Like, i like skirts, but i tend not to wear them just because i don't feel like dealing with comments like 'Oh Damn look who switched it up!!' Oh, i'm sorry..I thought I was a girl. Fuck you.

I got a dick like a mule...with a big dick.

They are delicious!

 But I'm NOT femme at all :S

I dress like a geek funny slogon tees and jeans and yet I keep getting "you look too straigh" it's confussing

 Personally I'm not into the butch look but if I liked a butch girl I wouldn't  be like "butch run for the hills" it's weird

A gay friend of mine called me a lipstick lesbian the other day and I was so shocked I starred at him for ages and asked him what he meant "You're just not a dykey butch dyke" was his response

I'm confuzzled

I'm just me

a geeky lesbian who likes to stare at hot girls the whole butch vs femme thing is irrelavant to me

Dance like no ones watching...but drink lots of vodka first