I always label or not label according to how the person wants to be labeled or not labeled.  It does not affect me and I prefer to respect the individual and her wishes when it comes to how she identifies.

My 'Backstory': I used to identify as 'Bi', when forced to choose between Straight, Lesbian or Bisexual - probably due to my upbringing, social pressure, and fitting in (girls date boys, that's 'just how it is', etc) - I like guys, they can be great as friends, and honestly, PiV sex can be kind of fun! But I finally realized that I have NEVER been 'attracted' to any guy, ever. Sometimes I'd be with a guy friend, we were having fun, he was being nice and sweet, touching nicely and politely, which felt nice, so 'things happened' - It was fun, just sharing some nice physical feelings with a friend, not romance, or 'sharing souls', just physical fun - almost like 'flying solo', if you know what I mean (since this is a PG website, with younger readers).

With women, it was completely different - We connected 'Person to Person'. Heart to Heart, Soul to Soul - It truly was 'Love-Making', with our emotional feelings turning into physical actions, briefly joining as one combined soul, something I never felt with a man - I finally accepted that I was indeed a full blown lesbian, and I'm happy I am!

That said, I'm not 'out' to everybody - I'm not ashamed, but I always thought that who I sleep with is my business - and I live in a conservative area, so I avoid needless agravation,

I think everyone should make their own choices - some are 'Out and Proud', and that's good for them; Some are fully 'Closetted', and if that's where they're comfortable, I'm happy for them - I'm totally against 'Outing' anyone, unless there's extreme hypocracy involved, like 'Senator Larry Wide-Stance' from Idaho - Each person should make their own choice, and a lot of people change over time - They're evolving, learning about themselves, who and what they like, and how they identify themselves - Sometimes understanding you own feelings, deciding what is part of who you really are and what is 'social conditioning', is very difficult - Everyone's different. Some people have always known they were gay - I kind of envy them, but I think most people go through a lot of searching for their own identity as teens, and even as adults.

The fact that she's been with men, or even married. has little to do with who or what she is now - Gay or Bi - To me, these terms are about feelings, NOT actions - There are people who are very gay who have NEVER had a same-sex experience!

I'd just ask her how she prefers to be known or identified, and honour her wishes.

To me, the biggest problem with labels is that they're limited and limiting - people are a broad spectrum between Gay and Straight - there's infinite variety in between - even gender has variations.

So, my favourite label is 'Human' - It is the only one that fits most people!

i also have to second some of those notions. i didn't realize that i was gay until during college (cliche, i know), and even then i refused to accept the realities because i was afraid of people's reactions and i would tell myself i was bi. i attempted to date guys in hs and into college. nothin ever worked, and nothing ever clicked. i am a lesbian, and i am very proud now, although this took me a while to realize! now, a couple years after college has ended, i realize that i do find some men attractive, but i'm not attracted TO them, if that makes any sense. you're right, sexuallity is totally fluid, and labels are difficult. you just have to discover what you're comfortable with. if you're set on a label, and you keep finding yourself considerin the fact that you're bi, perhaps it's because deep down, you do find yourself still attracted to men. or, maybe you consider 'bi' because you're not ready to abandon all of the 'straight' notions you and your family probably had for you while growing up, and identifying as 'gay' is not something you're ready for. who knows! but, only you can answer these questions ; )

Here's my two cents for what it's worth...

For me, it's pretty cut and dried as follows (and I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me).

If a woman has sex with men AND women, she is bisexual, even if the encounters with men are "rare" as you put it.

If a woman is only having sex with women, she is a lesbian. It doesn't matter if she was married before or had sex with men before, it's what she's doing NOW.

If a woman has sex with only men, she is heterosexual/straight.

If a woman has sex with only men, but kisses women, flirts with women, etc., she is bicurious. RUN!

And I suppose if you are not having sex with anyone you are not having sex (for whatever reason...virgin, asexual, health probs, etc.). As far as being very gay and NEVER having a same-sex encounter, I'm not too sure about that one.

Slow learner lesbian... but I say that with a sense of endearment as I was a slow learner lesbian without the marriage.

So I agree that labels suck but I'm not gonna lie it's easier for me personally to be able to say so and so is gay/lesbian/bi/trans etc. I personally identify as a lesbian.  I called myself bi for about a week because it seemed more acceptable to me at the time. I think that is up to everyone how they choose to identify themsleves: Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Gender Non Conforming, Queer, etc. To each their own....

 

http://onefootinonefootout.blogspot.com/

 

Thanks everyone for your feedback on my questions.  Really appreciate the input.

I think "slow-learner" lesbian likely describes it best. Just how slow, I'm still not certain.

Thanks a bunch!!

Hmm.

This thread seems like it might be the place for a conversation that I don't know how to have with anyone around me. I've recently moved to a new town. It seems that what others want to know about a new person often revolves around sexuality: ie) can we flirt with you, where are your boundaries, can we have "adult conversations" in your presence, are you open or are you reserved about sexuality, can you be teased, what kind of jokes are ok in your presence, etc. Positive answers to these unspoken questions are what seems to bring people closer in social settings. In these situations, I always miss the boat.

I've started identifying as bisexual, but I don't feel comfortable sharing this with others, because they tend to make assumptions about what this means. With a new social circle, I don't know how to proceed. Most of the women I am meeting are straight, and I don't want to cause awkwardness. Most men ignore me because I give off a strong "not interested" vibe. The result is feelings of isolation. I do want to be friends with all of these people, and I want them to know that I try to be a non-judgemental person, but I feel like my own self-perceptions are too complicated to get into. I also get weary of the whole game sometimes. It seems impossible to make friends without bringing sexuality into it -- even if it's just a "we're friends and we want to talk intimately about sex" sceneario. At the moment, issues of sexuality feel too personal for me to do that. Sometimes I share an edited version of my history with straight women, but then I feel like I'm withholding a very imprtant aspect of myself.

Any suggestions? On the one occasion that I have ventured into my own ambiguous sexuality in conversation, while drunk, the results were interesting: much gossip behind my back I suspect, resulting in the one other self-identified bisexual woman in the community putting out vaguely interested vibes. I found this intimidating, but not unpleaseant. However, I am definitely not in a psychological place where I can deal with random hook-ups or gossip -- I'm looking for real connection, emotional as well as physical. This takes time, for me. I haven't returned this woman's interest, because I was annoyed to discover that I had become the subject of gossip, and her (very mild) advances made me feel uncomfortable as a result. I end up feeling alone and asexual, because I can't be open about myself. I wonder, how do I start to change this situation in ways that I can handle?

Gracias,

Hannah

I didn't come out to myself until I was in my 30s, and that was the first step in the process for me. I had to feel really comfortable with myself and my sexuality before I came out to others. To me discovering my sexuality didn't mean with others in a sexual way, but learning more about who I was. I didn't start dating until i was ready.  Taking a break from dating is perfectly ok and doesn't mean you're asexual. It's also ok if you aren't feeling particularly interested in anyone to wait until you find someone to whom you're attracted. In my experience, nothing kills sexual interest more than kissing or dating someone I'm not attracted to.

You also mentioned suspecting gossip behind your back. Does that trouble you? In my opinion,people who will judge you or like you less because you're bi or gay aren't worth the energy they take. There are tons of open minded, accepting people out there and I'd hate to see you settle for someone less than worthy of you by you trying to be who you think they want you to be.

She's a lesbian even if she liked guys before and enjoyed sexual encounters. She only enjoyed it because they both were getting something out of it. She's only bi if she likes men and women.

She's a lesbian even if she liked guys before and enjoyed sexual encounters. She only enjoyed it because they both were getting something out of it. She's only bi if she likes men and women.

That should be enough said; but for clarification sake...

If you do not intentend to date or have sex with men in the future or have no desire to, the I would classify you as lesbian. If, however, you feel that you should keep all options open, then I would classify you as bi. In the end though, it isn't a matter of what I would label you, but what would you label yourself?

 

since you are obviously talking about yourself ahahahahah!!! ;-)

QUEER

it's cute and I like it...

I'm queer or whatever... I do like women more than I do men and I have enjoyed both... but I'm really not interested in guys... just sexually... sometimes

so I erronially get BISEXUAL

or BAD LESBIAN a lot ahahahah!!!

 

I like to call myself HOMOFLEXIBLE because that is what I feel I am. I am HOMOSEXUAL but I am a perv and sometimes display unnatural tendencies and fuck men ahahahahaha!!!!

 

so I don't know... you choose. But Queer is cute.... XD

 

* I am the Cinnamon Spider *

I was raised to think gay people were well, mentaly unstable. My mom's told me that being gay is going to make me sick. ... I told her i was sick long before i realized i was gay lmfao.

 But anyways in my earlier teen years i liked boys. I even lost my virginity to a boy, Tho i was never sexual with one again for some tims, and havent been sence. I consider myself pretty much gay. But occasionaly like guys. Im confused about likeing guys lol. Its like im bicurious about guys...

 

God helps those, Who help themselves.... In bed.

i use the word gay to describe gays and lesbians most of the time. i have no problem with the word lesbian but i feel like most people are more used too/ comfortable with the word gay. plus is shorter to type. =] i just wish that it wasn't used in a negative way all the time