hi,

you just have made the first step which is recognize that you have a problem and that's good. If you can see/understand where the problem starts it should be easier to solve your problems.

About your family. I can't say much about that since i have not come out yet (i'm pretty sure my mom would kick me out of the house and i can't live on my own right now). From the things I've read here there could happen two things: maybe they need time to understand this part of you and at some point they'll come around, or they don't, so you continue living your life sincerely cos truth = happyness,

Also, have you tried explaining anything about gay people and so? Sometimes people have bad reactions because they don't have the proper information....  

It's tough to accept that your family isn't supporting or that you can't share your life with them, or that you can't expect anything from them (which is kinda my situation... other reasons......) but that's how life is and we can't do much to change it.  

Don't give up, everything has a solution, and you can make it through hard times!

Hugs!

Oh hun.  First of all, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. 

One thing you (we/me/everyone) always have to remember is that the only person you can control is yourself.  In some ways, that blows, and can even be terrifying.  In this case, you can't change your family or their conservative views.  You can try to engage in open dialogue, but aside from that, you're going to have to leave it up to them to decide whether or not they're going to let this destroy the relationship they have with their daughter.

At the same time, knowing that you can only control yourself is wonderfully liberating because it means that you have the power to change your situation.  Let's take your life right now.  Here are some things you can do that can dramatically change the quality of your life:

1. Make other friends, ESPECIALLY other queer friends. 

Having a queer safety net can save you.  It sometimes takes awhile to find the right friends within the queer community, but keep searching.  Don't give up.  When I first got to college, I could find nothing but gay men for almost an entire semester.  It drove me crazy, but I kept hanging out with them and eventually lesbians and bisexual girls started coming out of the woodworks.  Maybe they weren't the best friends I ever had, but at that point in my life they were a godsend.  I'm forever greatful for the support they provided at a time in my life when I really needed it.  You need friends in your life to whom you can relate.  You need friends in your life who will accept and validate you as a gay woman and as a fellow human being.

2. In alignment with #1, break away from this best friend. 

I know you might be thinking, 'But she's my best friend.  I don't know what I'd do without her, she's done X, Y, Z for me, I can't bear to lose someone else.'

Well, you know what?  If she truly was a good friend to you and truly had your best interests in mind, she wouldn't be stringing you along.  She would notice that you're falling to pieces and try to help you out. 

Realistically, you might not be able to make a clean cut from her right now.   If this is the case, then I strongly advise at least putting some distance/boundaries between the two of you.  She's part of what's contributing to this downslide you're in, and it's time to stop and say, "Wait.  What is best for me?  This clearly isn't."  It might not feel good, it might be uncomfortable, but shedding a friend who's dangling a carrot infront of you and holding you in this precarious, painful position will make you feel like you lost 20 lbs. Plus, simultaneously making other friends can soften the blow.

3. Seriously consider seeking help in some form.

Unfortunately, there is a stigma attached to counseling in some people's eyes.  I hope that isn't the case for you. 

Sometimes we come to places in our lives in which we need an outside, unbias perspective, someone who you can count on not to have ulterior motives, and counseling can be great for that.  It might be the case that you just need to see someone for awhile to help you sort out all the sht flying around in your head that's making it hard to focus on school.  [As a sidenote, grading slipping and not being able to focus on day to day activities often is a sign that you're depressed.]   There is nothing wrong with seeking out some help.  As someone from the US (and if you're not, then excuse me, but I'm putting this out there just in case), I know that there is a constant pressure to be this perfect, self-sufficient cog in the machine of life, but the truth is that we all need support.  No one goes through life completely alone or without support. 

It may take seeing more than one person to find something that fits.  How is your university's counseling center?  Ours sucked, but a friend of mine said that UC system has wonderful counseling services.  You can see someone there or get a reference.  If insurance is an issue, or you can't/don't want to tell your parents that you're seeing someone, they most likely have a sliding-scale payment system to accomodate your financial needs.  Students are in this position all the time, so look into what services are offered on campus.

Before I end this, I want to say a few more things.  First of all, know that a lot of us go through this, which is yet another reason why having a glbt support network is so valuable.  Almost every glbt person has to go through painful experiences when they come out and start accepting who they are.  Good for you for being honest about who you are.  That takes guts and you should be proud of yourself! 

Secondly, try not to be so hard on yourself.  I was insanely hard on myself when I was trying to come out and be confident in who I am.  In retrospect, I realize that I caused myself a lot of strife for no reason.

Finally, keep reaching out.  I promise with all my heart that life will not stay this way.  It may feel pretty bad for awhile, but it doesn't stay this way forever.  That's the other thing about life - no matter what you do, it will go on.  The world will keep rotating and changing because that's what it does.  Love yourself, take care of yourself, and surround yourself with people who help bring you to that place when it's hard to get there on your own.

Take care,

L

Hey Laura...

I've read some of the replies and there is some sensible advice here. I agree with 'readmyhips', you can only control your own feelings and that puts you in charge of your life. I used to get so angry with my Dad for not accepting me until my Mum said the same thing to me...she said no matter how angry I got, it only ended up affecting ME and not my Dad, as I was the one living with the anger.

It's easier said than done, but you kind of have to see this whole experience as a journey. I'm 32 and have been out since I was 23, and there have been times when I feel totally self actualised and sure of who I am, and yet there are other times where I still feel very confused and scared. I guess what I'm trying to say is that often you will never reach a place where everything is peachy. Life doesn't always work like that. So in the meantime, explore and experience the journey, and try to not get too stressed about finding an immediate solution to who you are. I know you feel lost, but sometimes when you spend too much energy over-examining who and what you are it can be overwhelming. Maybe find a therapist and use those sessions to focus on finding peace, and at other times away from those sessions stop thinking about it ...find some queer mates, go mountain biking, whatever...just start to live a little and take your mind off these huge issues, and over time you'll forget about having to necessarily define who you are and realise you are just enjoying each day as it comes. When you've finished studying, maybe move away from your family for a bit and find your own true identity without their interference. That way you'll be stronger and more sure of yourself.

Good luck, and take it easy. I hope you find something to make you smile today.

xx

I know this can be really shitty and know that everyone on this site knows how you feel and is rooting for you.

Coming here was a good thing I'm sure, but as others have said, queer friends in real life can be a godsend. Even if you don't have much else in common, it's amazing how comforting it can be just to be around other people who you know like girls too. Gay guys can be good too, but not quite the same.

It's sad, but many gay people have the families they make because many of the families we were born into don't accept us. That is changing, and hopefully your family will come around in time, but if it doesn't, having a good group of friends can lessen that pain.

When I came out to my parents, they didn't react well, and at one point my friends dragged me to the college mental health place because they were worried about me. Though I felt I shouldn't have to, it was really helpful to have a professional explain to me that what I was feeling was totally normal.

And I hope that you don't regret coming out. Even if it doesn't seem like it right now, the stress of staying closeted almost always outweighs the negatives of coming out. Congratulations on that, and keep your spirits up. Things will get better.

as the first poster said, the first step is to realise you've got a problem and that you need to get out of your situation. Do try to keep calm though, anger isn't going to help anything. Sometimes our emotions blind us and make things even more confusing...

I can only agree with what people have already said. Join a local LGBT community (the AE community is also awesome, of course ^.~) and try to get to know more queer people. The feeling that you're not alone with this experience will make things seem much better and easier, and once you have made a few gay friends you can talk to, that'll definitely reduce the stress you feel when you're with your family. My best friend is a lesbian, and she means the world to me. I don't know where I'd be without her, she makes life so much better. ^.^

I really don't mean to sound like some pompous ass, but really, this is only the beginning and things will get better for you. I'm in a similar situation (what with the parents being very rejecting and unsupportive) and reading about that friend you have makes a little warning bell go off in my head. Since you've realised that she just seems to be toying with you, you do know that this is not going to make anything better. I agree that it's going to be difficult at the beginning but you should try and let go. Doing that (when I had such a 'friend' that, in the end, made me come pretty close to harming myself) helped me realise that I just couldn't let people play with my feelings and get away with it because I liked them in some way or another. I sat her down and had a talk with her, which didn't work, so I decided to meet her less and less often, and we just sort of disbanded after a while. I felt I could breathe a little more freely.

If you feel that everything is too much of a burden and you cannot handle things anymore (and not being able to concentrate on everyday life is a symptom of depression), don't be afraid to seek counseling. One of my best friends convinced me to at least try it, and I am now regularly seeing a therapist who helps me deconstruct my negative ways of thinking (which are mostly results of having internalised the problems my parents had with me being a lesbian). She also helps me differentiate my emotions from others', and after a few months, things are eventually getting a little brighter for me as I no longer feel such a strong need to harm myself. You have to take one step at a time, and they're mostly small steps since it's difficult to work on these issues, but hang in there, dear. ^^ There's so much out there that's just waiting to be discovered. Don't feel bad about coming out.. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your parents are the ones having the problem, not you. You're perfectly fine as long as you're you. Try to learn more about yourself and others so that you can learn to stand up for yourself more. Above all, don't try to fit into a category that pleases others but hurts you... people who only like you because you fit theirs probably aren't worth to be with anyway.

Take care and try not to give up. I wish you good luck. =)

"Adele, do away with this sweaty mess." - Jenny

thank you ladies for all the love and support, I honestly didn't want to come back to this post fearing that it would be dismissed as another 'help' cry but I really appreciate that you all really took the time to respond so thoughtfully. I'm taking your advice everywhere I go, it'll give me a sense of security and protection to know that i'm not alone in this.

Sending you all hugs!