Is all about...biting the bullet...plugging your nose...and jumping in...I am sorry I have no other way to describe it.  Either you do or you don't.  Because if you are sitting around waiting for others to just randomly change their way of thinking and think just out of the blue..."hey it's ok to be gay"  IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!!  Anyways..just my opinion...Mom's are 'specially difficult!  Luv...I have been lesbian for going on of many years now...and my mom is still waiting for prince charming to show up...be true to yourself and others.  That is all you can do.  Sit back take your journey and learn who you are.  Lotsa love. lei.

Wow, I'm sorry about that. Welcome to the club. While my dad was just like, "Well, you have to make these decisions for yourself, you're no longer five or six" (at that moment, I just ignored the fact that it's not a decision and felt glad he wasn't about to have a fit), my mother started crying and made me feel guilty about being a bad daughter... she said I was an abomination and that I was being selfish because I didn't want to have children, but she wanted to be a grandmother so much (that's another touchy subject. Of course it doesn't count if you use a donor or adopt) etcetc.

Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'll cut to the point and drop my two cents. First of all, try to give her some time. I've heard of mothers who eventually came around and got more comfortable with it (mine just sort of stays in denial, but at the moment I'm fairly satisfied if she doesn't go berserk at me). I do think you'll have to talk to her again later though, or there's going to be drama when you bring home a girlfriend. At least my mother would have a fit. Try not to yell back at her though, unless you don't want her to take you seriously. Do tell her that her behaviour hurts you, but do so in a more calm and collected manner than she does. Personally, I've had a hard time discussing this with my mother, but at least I got her to listen, even if she refuses to even try and understand it at the moment.

Difference is usually feared because it is not understood, or because people are misinformed. Your mother has no idea what it feels like to be you and she can only make assumptions based on what she knows. I don't know if this helps, and it's going to sound ridiculous, but when I talked to my mother after coming out, I gave her a few facts to think about, as in, being gay isn't contagious (she actually thought that), it's completely normal in the animal world etc. Show her that you know what you're talking about. If you need some place to start out at, here's a good website: http://www.bidstrup.com/phobia.htm If there's a problem with religion (I'm calling it a problem because I don't like it when people bring God into this. Does it matter what your God says if it's not my God?), check out this site and especially the articles it cites : http://www.lesbilicious.co.uk/campaigns-politics/happy-easter-and-by-the-way-you-might-not-be-going-to-hell/

These are no online self-help books pretending to be able to solve your problems. I am by no means saying you should learn them by heart. But they prepare you for arguments.

Apart from "just" being homophobic, there can be several reasons why she is so opposed to your homosexuality. While most mothers have trouble to let go of their children, a lot of them are actually hurt because they - once you have a girlfriend - are no longer the most important woman in your life. She might also be putting blame on herself because she thinks she raised you in a wrong way or something like that (yeah, because we all know that homosexuality is the cause of supposedly bad social situations and/or unsuccessful sexual encounters with the opposite sex, but anyway).

Lastly, while these are the things that come to my mind while reading your post, I am by no means claiming that I am right when I make assumptions about your mom. There could be many more additional reasons why she treats you in this way.

I also hope you don't feel as though I am telling you what to do... but these are some of the things that have worked for me (my mom and I can interact fairly normally and she has ceased to babble about men). I wish you patience and good luck. Also, don't forget that she loves you and only wants the best for you. What she doesn't understand yet is that and/or why you don't share her opinion on what "the best" actually is. ^.~

"Adele, do away with this sweaty mess." - Jenny

Easier said than done, but I don't think you should let her think she can change you. No matter if throws a hissyfit or wants to be grandma, make it clear she can't change who you are, and you are not going to subvert your own happiness for her own.

No offense, but a mother should support their children, and not force their own dreams unfairly onto them. A child should be free to do what makes them happy.

I knew it would happen.  My being lesbian is not something mom and I sit around and discuss on a daily basis.  She is aware of it, and has always been very kind to my 'friends'.  Take your time and enjoy your life.  Mom may take awhile...in her own way she will still love you.  Be kind and patient and hope you get the same in return! :D

Double post...that's a bummer...so, I'll play you a song instead!

 http://youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk

Well, my mom is an almost hopeless case. I am not really going to say anything to her about my homosexuality until later on. I am currently 18, but I don't want to really say anything else until I go off to college in another year. :/ After all, I still live under her roof. All I can do is BE patient.

Ah, Lei, I am listening to that song now; and I like it a lot. Thankss. <33

 i came out to my mom when i was 8, but then as a teen i let my fear of disappointing her and losing her love, completely take over my life. now, i'm stuck in a relationship with a guy(great guy, but that's another story) and my mom could not be happier. she can be really harsh and hurtful when her plans for her children don't work out as she planned, so i'm still afraid of destroying her little bubble.

   i guess what i'm trying to say is follow the advice of smart people like Aya and Leibug, because believe me it's no fun to live your mother's dreams. 

I think this might help. You be your mom, and we'll be you and give possible responses you can use.

Ok, so let's say you walk the room and say; "I'm going out with Cheryl."

Your mom knowing Cheryl is not just a friend would say.....................

Sometimes I like coming in here, because as much as I have problems with my 18 year old daughter, the fact that she's bisexual means very little to me and my husband. We accept it as her hair colour. Sometimes she goes a little more in one direction than another, but at her core, it's the same. She'll always be like me--bisexual, but I'm sure she'll eventually find a long-term partner. Hopefully a LONG time from now. Anyway. I'm thankful that my daughter isn't really fearful of family rejection for being bisexual, although we have a buttload of other problems.

Anyway. Speaking from a maternal point of view, your mother may be one of those mothers who needs more time to accept something. Or rather, just start internalizing it. When my daughter came out two years ago, I wasn't prepared yet to start scrutinizing her relationships with her friends more carefully. I was 14 when I got pregnant with her, 15 when she was born, and 18 when her brother was born. I had this house rule about no sex under my rule. Anyway. It took me a while to figure out how much I should scrutinize and how much I should back off, and figure out when I should talk to her and when she really just needed me to leave her alone.

Your mother is not there yet, and it may be where she just needs to be until she can digest things.

But also be prepared for the fact that your mother may never accept it. I guess I'm a little more defensive of your mother because when I was pregnant with my first, I was 14. I started showing right away, and I had no idea what to do. And so I told my parents who IMMEDIATELY kicked me out. The last time I saw either of my parents was a few months after that, when Social Services finally caught wind of the situation and filed a petition in Court on my behalf. That was the last time I saw them. So when I hear about people whose parents reactions are vitriolic but aren't outright rejecting, I feel like there's hope. Hell, even with MY parents, things got a little better this week when they heard (because we still live in the same state) that I was pregnant AGAIN [with baby number 6, which, sigh, I feel like such a cliche and like I should be on the dole or Catholic, and I'm neither]. My mother called me to tell me that I was a crazy person and then said what a disappointment I was, etc. But this was the first time in 18 years she even acknowledged I was still alive.

I think more likely in your situation, your mother will move slowly towards understanding. Hopefully not as slowly as mine. Parents have to make a decision, do we want to know and accept our kids as they are? Or hold onto the ideas of them. For each of my kids, I hoped they wouldn't have to fight for everything the way that I did. I mean, don't get me wrong. There were a shitload of scholarships for former foster youth. But I had to fight for every scrap I got. I hoped it would not be the same for my kids. Now I have my 15 year old son who wants to be a MARINE, which makes me want to burst into tears. But this is what he wants. He's really turning into a bit of a Republican, which horrifies me because how does a teen mother raise such a boy? But hey, he's got a good heart, a sweet disposition and I fell in love with him the second I looked at him, even though he looked like a hairy little monkey with chubby cheeks like a chipmunk which made me wail "my baby is UGLY" Anyway. Either I have a real relationship with my kids or I don't. I'd rather have an authentic one.

If your mother can't accept it, it's for the best. Do you really think my kids would be better off if I chased after my mother begging for her forgiveness while she called me all sorts of names? No way. It's the same for you. You want to live openly and authentically.Until your mother outright rejects you, she is not THAT impossible. And things may be better when you go to uni.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but even though I love my kids unconditionally, some of the stuff they do gets under my skin. With my 18 year old, three years ago, she stole my car, crashed it and then acted like she did nothing wrong. 2 years, I held it against her with all sorts of comment now and then. We aren't perfect, we hold grudges that we shouldn't, too.

Give your mother time, but you can be yourself in the meantime

It's hard not having your mother accept you for who you are. And it's even harder when you were brought up in a Christian household. I am where you are at right now. I came out to my mom at least three different times, but each time she blew up at me for being that way, deduced it to a phase and tried putting it out of her mind and acted as though it never happened. Now that I've finally come out and stood my ground she has told me that come the end of this month I am being taken of the insurance, I am no longer allowed to hang out with my younger sister anywhere besides the house because she thinks I am going to try and convince my sister that being gay is ok, and I am not welcome to live at the house. It really sucks quite honestly, but that is something that I am going to have to live with. It's all about bitting the bullet to quote somebody earlier. Stand your ground, not in an in your face kind of way but let her know that this is who you are. When she asks you if you think a celeb guy is hott, dont give in just to make her happy. Be who you are without shame.

I'm having delusions of granduer.....

Partida

My mom took it okey when I came out to her but since then she called me almost every name in the book when ever I do somthng that even sybomles a rainbow.

Don't get me wrong I love my mother to death (unless she kills me fist) but every once in awhile my dad and I will be joking about it and my mom will just go off like I just puched my sister in the noise or somthing. Im doing a resure paper on tansgender rights and when my mom found out.....omg she tought I was going to move to canda to get the dam oppstion.

Mom Im gay, Im a women,and Im proud I am. just chew some ice and chill all ready!!!

I think you're giving her way too much power over how you feel. It's time to take back your power from her, and you can do it by not allowing her to drag you down. You can't change her, but you can change your reaction to her. Instead of excepting her to finally "get it" try to get yourself into a frame of mind that she won't get it until she proves you wrong. You've come out enough times to her and she's choosing to be in denial. Next time she asks you if you think some guy is cute, say "No, but I think so and so woman is cute." She'll have her hissy fit and you'll say, "i'm sorry you're not more open to talking about this, you're missing out on knowing an important part of me." Say it as calmly as you can. If she gets abusive or starts to yell, tell her you will talk to her later when she's calmer. If you have to, go stay with a friend for the night.

Sometimes we have to train people how to treat us. The best thing you can do is remain calm, rational and disengaged, because she'll soon learn her behavior isn't getting the desired result. You might even want to ask her if she loves you less because you're gay, just to get her to see the reality of her reaction. I always say don't ask questions that you're not prepared for the answer, so if a yes would hurt you, don't put yourself out there like that. Just keep telling yourself that you REFUSE to allow her to rain on your rainbow pride parade.

Your mother's reaction is really her loss and if you stay strong and rational she will hopefully realize that sooner rather than later. News flash to your mother-- lesbians and gays can have kids....

She just doesn't get it.

She doesn't want me to be gay because she has this belief that only gay people get AIDS and STDs. Right.... 

 To the orginal poster, I know how you feel. 

I came out (or tried) when I was 16, but my mom brushed me off completely and said it was a silly teenage phase. Well, I'm 22 now and love women more than ever, I doubt it is a phase.

As far as she knows, she thinks I'm interested in guys, which to an extent is true in an asexual kind of way, but I'm sexually attracted to women.

She does know and has accepted that I don't want children. Thankfully she doesn't give me any grief for that. 

I sort of feel like my mom wants me to be someone that I am not. Like when I was a little kid, I only wanted to wear boys clothes and wear my hair super short and she made me wear dorky dresses and grow my hair long. 

I'll start at the beginning, maybe my story will be of some assistance, LOL. Growing up, and as far as I can remember my mother was the most liberal person I knew. So, logically I was convinced that coming out to her would be a walk in the park, and I counted on her complete support. For many other reasons, while growing up I had never really discussed relationships with her, I just assumed either way it would be fine with her.... well I was wrong. I met J (my now wife) and I knew she was the one. So we decided to move in together etc. I went to my mother carrying my heart in my sleeve and waiting for a big hug and congrats, and got the total opposite reaction (what went on there is not even worth mentioning). Things got pretty tough (my mom is bipolar) and she ended up trying to take her life and obviously blaming it on me and my "evil lesbianism". Today, 3 years down the line things are better. What happened is that I stood my ground. We don't sit around talking about me being a lesbian, or anything like that (and I know she is totally waiting for my marriage to fail and for prince charming to come knocking on my door), and I do think she lives in a kind of denial, but when I visit J comes with, and when a decision needs to be made I tell her that I need to talk to my wife before making it, and more than anything I remind her whenever I can that I love her, she is my mother, but she has absolutely no say in this. Her denial or her non acceptance controls my being gay as much as it controls the weather. So I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how much your mom turns her face away from the fact that you are gay, you'll just have to learn how to assert yourself and not let that impede you from being true to yourself (obviously when you are financially independent and are not under the same roof things become way easier). And if the worse happens and she doesn't accept it, then you'll be faced with some pretty tough choices. I think that what kinda put my mother in place was when she told me that should I not "str8ten up" I may as well be dead to her, and I told her that if that is her choice I can live with it.. could she?. Some mothers could, and I was prepared for her to go through with it. Take it one day at a time... be true to yourself, and when decisions have to be made, then think things through, be prepared for any outcome and then just "f@!#k forth".

"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman" - Virginia Woolf

Ok, so admittedly I haven’t come out to my parents yet and so I can’t really give advice on how to handle this situation. But there are a few things in your post that I would like to address. Firstly kudos for continuing to try and get your mother to accept you. Some people would have experienced one bad reaction and given up. Secondly I would discourage you from agreeing with your mum when she talks about “hot” male celebs. By reinforcing her belief that you like guys, it may be easier to live with her in the short term, but in the future you are just making it harder for her to accept that you are gay. She might start to use comments like “but last month you said (insert name of “hot” male here) was attractive, so you can’t be gay”

Thirdly perhaps instead of trying to get her to understand the gay part of your life, (like other people have said, this may take some time) you might want to try and get her to realise that the way she is treating you if very unfair. It is not right that you feel you have to act a certain way in order for her to like you. No matter what her hopes and dreams for you were, you are your own person and you cannot be the person everyone expects you to be. How you are now and how you are in the future is not her call.

Lastly if another shouting match does occur try and remain calm and avoid shouting back because it won’t get you anywhere. Ask her if she knows what it feels like to be lonely in your own house. To feel like you are a disappointment to the people who are supposed to love you no matter what.

Stay strong, and remember that your life will not always be this hard. Personally I didn’t deal with being gay until I started university. I knew for a while before that, but I made a choice not to address it, until I had the independence and freedom to explore it in my own time.

My mum didn't accept it either but I think the worst thing that you can do is banter to her needs. Dating boys when you don't want to isn't fair on anyone, especially you. What will be the end result of you dating these boys, will it make you straight, of course not. By doing this you are delaying the process of her coming to terms with it. Granted when I told my mum she cried and said all the same things your mum said, that I was letting her down and destroying her dreams, she even told me that she would rather I was pregnant, but I never took it back. We were really close before and it broke my heart but I would rather have a broken heart than live in the closet because that was the most miserable experience ever. My mum still doesn't accept it and we NEVER talk about it but she knows that I'm gay and she has gotten better with it, yes she would jump for joy if I "changed my mind" and decided I was straight but that aint gonna happen and it's been over a year now since I told her. You can't change you so be you and live your life cause any other way is gonna be miserable.

EDIT: Cathy DeBuono talked about homophobic mums in her vlog What's your problem, if you havn't seen it I think you might find it helpful, here it is...

http://www.afterellen.com/blog/sarahwarn/whats-your-problem-video-blog-6

I can oh so relate to the long battle with my mother.  Now remember I have been out of the closet with my family for more years than a lady should mention....but I can say I am an expert in EVERY game in the book a mother can possibly play on a daughter.

But here is how it played out with me...I spent the first couple of years in the struggle of trying to get her to understand and me constantly feeling put down she always knew exactly what to say to "get my goat" so to speak.  She always had the upper hand.  The next stage was the anger stage, I got angry with her and I started verbally fighting back and we both said some very hurtful things during this period.  Oh and trust me no member of the family was safe from being drawn into the diatrabe. (for the record I am truly ashamed of the things I said during this period of my life and I learned a great deal about myself as I grew out of this period).  Then we hit the grand stage of sarcasim....oh in hind sight this stage was glorious if we were filming a sit com.....but I'm surprised anybody in the family could stand being around the two of us.  (but I did get some great one liners out of that phase).  But I think through all of this we both just plain got tired.  And one day my mom got sick and she needed me and I had a choice to make, I could drop all of this shit we had been doing for years and be there or I could continue with the "show".  I chose to be there for her and I walked into the hospital room and offered myself and I said to her (honest quote here) "Mom, I love you and you are welcome in my house with me and my wife and we will love and care for you and all we ask is that you love and respect us in return."  It was amazing...she said she never stopped loving me, but she didn't know how to act.  I said mom it will be ok, we can teach you and you can ask any questions you want as long as they are asked from a place of love and respect instead of a place of anger and disdain.  She came and lived with us for 6 months while she recovered....that was 15 years ago.  My mom and I now are the best of friends and she is so extremely understanding and supportive now.  But I also had to learn things about her too.  I had to learn that my mom's faith/religion will likely always be a bit of a struggle for her but she has learned to accept that as her internal struggle and I have learned to see that as something that I can't simply wipe away from her as it takes away something that is one of her core values and I had to learn to respect it.  But we don't argue or fight it....it has become something that we can silently respect about each other now.

So with this story what advise would I give someone?  I would say to stay strong in who you are.  Tell your mother that you love her and that you understand that she might be struggling and that you are open to having honest discussions, but you will not allow yourself to be treated with disrespect and in that same vain you don't want to go down a path that causes you to get so angry with her that you start to hate her.  I would honestly tell her that.  Tell her that all of this disrespect does nothing but tears the two of you apart and you are going to cease to participate in it.  Tell her that any time she starts to disrespect you that you will simply remove yourself from the conversation.  This is where you have to be strong....If on the phone and she starts in with the ole Don'tcha think so-and-so male macho is hot or Don'tcha think you and so-and-so male macho would be good together, you simply say "mom, that statement really hurts my feelings and is disrespectful and I think I am going to go now."  End the conversation VERY quickly don't argue about it, and don't discuss is at length simply get off the phone.  In about 3 -4 months of this she will get the message that she can't say this crap to you any more and slowly it will stop.