|
Video Blogs
More Video
TV Shows
Navigation |
How can you tell if someone's gay?Sorry if this has been asked already, I had a quick look, but found nothing... I know it's a bit of a stupid question, we don't wear nametags, There's no failsafe way to tell etc... but I'm kind of a newbie, and very confused at the moment. I'm seventeen, and sort of in the middle of my first crush on a girl... Which would imply I'm experimenting etc, or it's hormones, but now I think about it, all those hero-worshipping things I had when I was younger seem to imply that it's not - and as well I've rarely had crushes on guys.... Anyway, so there's this girl, and she's more of an acquaintance than a friend really - a lot older than me - in her twenties, about maybe nine or ten years older than me... and I really like her, and have always assumed that she's straight... but I don't know, I only know the stereotypes and not realities. She has short nails (I checked) and usually wears jeans and a casual top when I see her (we're in a music group together). The same sorts of things I wear... Though she has been known to wear stiletto boots etc, normally she wears trainers (sneakers in America), but I think that's because she dances too. Umm, what else? Long hair, but she's just had it cut short... not really short though... I'd say she was pretty girly... umm that's not a good sign is it? But so am I... So... No boyfriend in evidence, and though she smiles at me and always says hello to me when I'm there in a group of people, and stands quite close to me at times, I suppose that's not really much of a sign... Does anyone have any way I could work out whether or not she was interested in girls at all, bi or lesbian, how could I figure it out or so on?
Again I'm sorry if I've done something wrong, this is my first time posting, and I might have done something stupid.
xxx Submitted by Lucky045 (7 posts) on March 30, 2008 - 12:41pm. |
User login
AfterEllen.com NYC Meet-Up on May 18thWe're having a get-together on May 18th in NYC for our readers, with some of our staff and vloggers, and the cast/creators of 3Way. Go here for details. Recent blog posts
Recent comments
|
News, Reviews & Commentary on Lesbian and Bisexual women in Entertainment and the Media
You can't tell if someone
You can't tell if someone is gay just by looking. What your post consists of is stereotypes and lots of gays don't fit into those stereotypes. The only sure fire way to tell is to ask her. You don't have to go right out and ask her if she's gay or not,you can ask her if she's seeing anyone and if she is hopefully she'll tell you enough to figure out the gender of the person she's seeing. If she's not, she'llprobably ask you if you are, just to keep the conversation going and you can say something like, "I'm single, the dating pool is a lot smaller for lesbians (or bisexuals)."
She might like you as a friend,whether or not she's gay or straight and not be interested in dating you or she might be sending out vibes to see if you're interested. Hard to tell. If you're a minor and she's in her 20s-- she might have issues about that, but you'll never know unless you ask.
Thanks
Yeah, I was aware of the stereotypes in what I was writing as I wrote it... My problem is that they're really all I know... (Watching too much "the L Word" maybe) I don't think I could ever pluck up the courage to ask her... and I'm kind of not out at all yet, except to my best friend...
I wouldn't be considered a minor since I'm 17 and the age of majority here is 16... but you're right that the age difference is worrying... especially as I look quite young. I guess if there's only asking that'd help I will just have to admire from a distance.
Thanks for your help!
Ahhhh- well not being out
Ahhhh- well not being out certainly adds complication to the scenario and looking young doesn't help either. Here in the US a 20 something year old would be frowned upon for dating a 17 year old and in some cases it's illegal!
Anyone who would judge you for being gay isn't worth having as a friend, BTW and if that ever happens it might hurt, but in the long run you are better off without her.
I agree with The Emperor
I agree with The Emperor ... ask. I've had to get over my fear of asking ... i used to be painfully shy. Most of the time it's in a round about manner such as the afore mentioned are you seeing anybody or my personal favorite 'so do you have a gentleman caller'. I have in the past asked point blank when being circumspect wasn't getting me anywhere though in your case this might not be feasible.
Strike up a conversation with her and see where that lands you ... who knows, she might end up upgraded from acquaintance to friend.
------------------------------------------
http://thequeerafrican.blogspot.com/
I'm queer and African ... deal with it
How can you tell if someone is gay....
Not sure if this is the right way to reply to everyone?
The Emperor has: Yes... I can see the age difference thing being weird... I'm in the UK, so definitely not illegal, and as the younger person, it wouldn't bother me at all, but might (would?) bother her... The funny thing is she looks really young too, and I only ever thought of her as a year or maybe two older than me til I found out her real age. I guess she'd see things differently.
I know, theoretically if people are worth it they won't judge me but it's taking a while to emotionally accept it... I'm sort of hoping to avoid the issue with as many people as possible... go to uni next year and just BE out... without complex explanations to people who thought they knew all about me... Then there'd just be family, and the really close, forever friends I'd keep from school to tell.
Mil: I could strike up a conversation with her I suppose... It seems strange though, because I'm pretty sure she's not seeing anyone, and it'd seem weird to ask... because she has her little sister (yes it is her sister, definitely!) at all our shows and concerts... but no boyfriend... and her sister gives her lifts around too. But I do see the merits - love your gentleman caller phrasing, I am really going to try and fit it in somewhere, when I've plucked up my courage!
JHB: Good point - but since we're both in a big group together I'm worried about it getting around the group if people find out I'm gay/bi... because my friend's dad is in the group.. so then it would get to my friends, and then it'd go round the school through my less friendly friends... and my mum works at my school, and I just don't want to be accidentally outed before I've moved out and am independent.
Thank you so much for all your answers and your help - I think I see your point, I can keep flirting and so on, and admiring, but if I want it to go further, I just have to be brave and say something.
If you don't want to out right ask...
Good idea!
I like that idea, it seems a little less scary than just asking - even just asking if she's seeing anyone. In fact I talked about politics etc before I had even thought of girls in that way, so I know how to address the subject.
Thank you for the help!