the first time i went to a lesbian club in college, i was really excited and nervous. i usually do well with new people, but the whole meat market scene was totally new to me. anyway, my friend and i walk in, and the girl taking the cover charge was adorable - with this great short spiky haircut that was both feminine and shane-in-the-early-years-hot. as i handed her my bill, i awkwardly blurted out "i like your hair" then i panicked, and as she sat there, i turned to my friend and said loudly right in front of her, "oh my god. did i just say that? who says that?" my friend rolled her eyes and just pushed me through the door. the night went on, and there was a cute girl on the dance floor with her friends. she was a little butcher than the girls id usually go for, but i liked her confidence. finally, she and her friends ended up near me, and i walked over and asked her to dance. she smiled, and said "we;re about to leave" to which i responded completely spaztastically, "oh no! i totally just worked up the courage to come over and ask that!" she laughed and was like, well take my numer. at this point, i had stopped being embarrased and realized that she had the most atrocius north philly accent, which was just completley unattractive. plus, id never actually ever gotten someone;s number at a club. i stammered, uuuuuh okay. though mostly i was terrified and needed to escape. she gave me her number, was like, youre gonna call, right? and then left me standing there thinking, all i wanted was a dance!! not your number! by this time, it was last call, and so i headed downstairs to get my coat. the cute bouncer was cleaning up the tables at this point, and i did some ogling from afar. a friend was being drunk and silly, and threatened to go "tell her my friend thinks she's cute" so i decided to (wo)man up and make a move. i walked over as she was clearing glasses and wiping a table, and for some reason the first thing that popped out was "this is going to sound really lame, but do you need any help?". suffice to say it did sound really lame. and it turned out she had a girlfriend.

okay, not that crazy of a story, but thought id share. i still get made fun of for my complete lack of game.

I was in the army for almost 5 yrs when I realized I was a lesbian. I kept it to myself while going to the local gay/lesbian club. During my 2nd tour in iraq in sept 2007 my soldier put sexual harrassment charges against me and the rest of my squad wrote statements of how uncomfortable they were around me. This was news to me because my squad use go hang out at my house when I had parties and never said anything before that. I was dropped on the harrassment charges but, charges of my sexuality I could not deny. One of my other soldiers had emails she some how got between me and my ex. I didn't know of the emails until I saw the lawyer 3 months after I was sent home from iraq. Now 2 months after my honorable discharge I am single, jobless, living back at home and only have the memories of 6yrs of service to show for it. My unit has the biggest gay/lesbian group of soldier in 1st Brigade 10th MTN DIV. I want to go to this weekend to make new friends, it looks like so much fun from (the L Word, pics and vids from the internet) and I know I can make some contacts in the job industry. Ellen is my fav actress. I watch her show everyday and "if these walls could talk 2" as often as possible. I know ellen loves to help people and I hope she can help me.

I am sure this has happened to more then one person here, but to this day I still get mortified when thinking about it. I was out at a local bar with some friends about 4 years ago. This bar was known for being very gay friendly, and usually had a good mix of gay/straight people at any given time. My friends and I were having a good time, playing some darts and perhaps imbibing in some beverages of the alcoholic nature when I noticed this really cute girl staring over at our group. She was the typical girl-jock with the baggy clothes and baseball cap. I pointed her out to my friends and they all agreed she was pretty cute and that she was defiantly checking me out. Eventually, she came to me and say “Hey, my name is Jamie, and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink.” Well, I thought she was cute (and I was perhaps a bit drunk) so I went over to the bar with her.

She bought me a drink and we started talking and I thought something was a bit off, but I couldn’t quite place exactly why. I asked who she was here with and she said “Some of my friends” and pointed back to a group of guys. I thought it was cool that she hung out with a bunch of (obviously) straight guys who ok with her being gay. I said “wow, that’s cool they don’t mind you picking up random chicks while you are out with them!” She looked at me kind of strangely and said “Oh, you know we always have wingmen with us when we go out to bars!” Now I was getting a little more confused, but I figured “hey, to each their own!” So we talked for awhile and I asked a question that is pretty common in the gay community “So when did you come out?” She looked at me weird and said “Come out? What do you mean?” I was slightly confused but said “You know, come out of the closet? Know you were gay?”

Jamie looked horrified and stepped back from me. “I’m not gay! What??” That’s when I realized that Jamie was a GUY. He looked like a cute androgynous lesbian! I turned bright red and started to apologize while walking away. To make matters worse, as I was trying to make my smooth getaway I tripped over someone’s purse on the floor and fell over backwards, causing everyone to stare at us. I quickly made it back to my friends and told them what happened. They couldn’t believe that “Jamie” wasn’t a lesbian but spent the rest of the night laughing at me anyway. Jamie and his friends quickly left the bar after that, but I am pretty sure my dignity is still sitting on the floor of that bar.

I was going on a date with a woman I met off of Craigslist.  She was funny, clever  and flirty in her correspondence to me, so I was happily looking forward to meeting her.  We decided to meet and she picked the place,  a very hip new restaurant that was getting alot of buzz.  I was excited and even splurged on a new (used) D&G dress and some fabulous heels for this upcoming date.  However, when the cab stopped at the address, I wasn't in front of a 4 star restaurant, I was looking at the door of a dirty bar, a really dirty bar.  I looked back down at the address she sent me and guess what I found out?  There is a skanky bar in my town with same name as the cool new restaurant.  I got out, thinking maybe this was a joke, that she would show up any minute and we would laughingly go to our real date, maybe?  So I paid the cabbie, who seemed just as worried as I was, (he even gave me his card if I had any trouble) and I went inside.  

40 minutes later (!) she shows up in dirty jeans and a ripped jacket, barely apologizing for being late.  She also was about 50 lbs heavier and 10 years older than the picture she sent me. (Think Shane at 45 if she gained 60 lbs...still hot..but you know..?)  I was about to just leave when I remembered how great she was in her e-mails, how long it had been since i had had a date and maybe she was just very, very nervous, right?  

Well, I wouldn't know, because she spent the entire 'date' texting on her phone and looking around the bar at imaginary women ( we were the only two in the whole place).  When I said I wanted to find another place and that I felt uncomfortable at being overdressed, she replied, "After I finish my beer."   Then she took a gulp, leered at me and said, "don't worry about it, you look great."  The highlight of my evening came when a junkie sat on the floor, stared at at my shoes for ten minutes and told me they were pretty because they were so shiny.  

Finally she finished and we left.  I told her I had an early meeting and needed to go home, so she walked me to my car.  On the way, she casually said, " You know, I like leather."  I wasn't paying attention and I was thinking she meant leather clothes, so I didn't say anything and just smiled.  

Much to my surprise she took that smile to mean that somehow I was into the BDSM scene- just like her!  So thinking I was into the same stuff, out of her mouth came this sudden torrent of info that I really didn't need to know, what she wanted to do, what she had done, that she was a great top, the best online BDSM clubs, sex groups...I just stood there in shock ( I have nothing against those scenes, they just aren't me) and when I came out of my daze, I heard her saying that she liked me, (really? how do you treat women you wanna blow off?) and that if I wanted, she could show me some... things, wink, wink.  After all the buildup, the flirting, the new dress, the crappy bar - I had had it. I told her I wasn't interested and sped away home.  

Moral lesson- it is very hard to judge a person from a month of well written e-mails and apparently leather isn't always an adjective or a noun.

I'm not sure if readers will consider this the worst or perhaps craziest Dinah Shore ever but it was definitely the most memorable for me.

So I am going to date myself here as this crazy Dinah Shore took place over 10 years ago. Back in the day when the hotels in Palm Springs did not embrace the event like they do now.

It was the big Saturday night party and it was being held at the airport in a hanger. It was one of those odd years when it rained the whole weekend and it was bloody cold. Being that it was a airport hanger both the large doors were open so party goers could go in and out. So it's rainy, cold and the dam doors are open. Already set the stage for some cranky lesbians.

I was attending the event with some friends that drove in from LA who brought two friends of their own. These friends who I had never met were buxom blonds who happen to be exotic dancers. We are all having a rotten time freezing our bums off and the headliner for the party, Me'shell Ndegeocello (yes I am a thirty something) was a no show. The only good thing going on for this party was the bar line we short. Of course we all know that a few cocktails is the best way to warm up (warning bad choices ahead) so I had a few. However, we also know that a few too many makes you forget a lot too. Enter ex girlfriend, the one you can never get rid of.  Three shots of tequila and I forgot what a cheating nutter she was.

Thankfully, one of the buxom blonds suggest that we leave and take the party back to their condo. We all do, 3 lesbians, 2 strippers, and one nutter ex girlfriend. Condo is warm and dry so the night starts looking up. More cocktails and soft music start and buxom blond just happens to have a sex inspired board game. You know, you roll the dice to choose a person then roll the others to see what you have to do with them. So one die had numbers (I was number 2) one had words like kiss, suck, lick, and the other had names of body parts like lips, toes, etc. I think you get the point. Only I suggested that we play in teams as I had no desire to be licking my friends toes. Teams of 2 were my two friends (LA ladies), buxom blonds, and me and the nutter ex girlfriend. 

Unfortunately I can't go into the details of the game as it was a bit R rated, you will have to use your imagination. However, the game inspired the buxom blonds to give us a show (remember they are exotic dancers) and someone had the genius idea to video tape the whole thing. There was applause and dollar bills flying as the buxom blonds showed us their moves and later pulled us up to try them. I think we all got caught up in the excitement of the evening because the next thing I knew I decided to put on my own show. I don't know what the hec I was thinking as I know it must have been a disaster to watch.

The next morning I woke up at the cheating nutter exgirlfriend's house and all I wanted to do was chew my arm off so I could make a clean get away. If my hangover was not so bad I would have. Everyone was gone including the buxom blonds and the video tape with me on it. Never to be seen (at least by me) again. 

edit: I clearly didn't read that clearly and I thought it was date stories. Sorry about that, I was gonna delete it but hey its entertaining none the less.

I don't know if I made it in time but here goes. Well I was one this board that put together women centered events on campus, and one day this girl who I had such a huge crush on shows up. She was on the board but never attended any of the meetings before. So after the meeting we go back to her office and talk and we have crazy chemistry. During our conversation she keeps mentioning how she's single and how she wants to branch out and we set up a date for that night. She was supposed to come over and we would watch some movies, I'd cook and she'd bring something to drink. First sign of trouble she's an hour late, she finally shows and I'm pissed, but she's hot so I figure hey why not let's make the best of this. Then I soon realize that she's higher than a kite. She devours the food I made and then picks up a stuffed animal I had and starts talking to it. When she's not having a conversation with my stuffed animal she's close to passing out. Needless to say I yawned really loudly and made her leave.

I wish I could say that I learned my lesson, but it took another outing this time with my friends where she was again high and then proceeded to hit on all my friends and then announce that she's in a relationship before I cut off all ties with her.

"Power is never given back. When it's stolen, if you want it back, you have to take it." - M. Caballero

Journey2enlightenment.blogspot.com