it took me a long time. my first girlfriend was at uni. we were together for a year and a half, broke up, still at uni together, same group of friends etc, very hard. then we each had a boyfriend or too. was very hard. you need a solid two months of no talking i think to get over someone. you need to break the old habits

now she's single, and i have the best girlfriend in the world.

you have to give yourself time. i know you've had years now, but if you've been really close with her the whole time, haven't had a proper break, it's hard to get out of that headspace, it's hard to stop seeing her as being so important, so perfect etc.

To tell you any specific time would heal you, would be misleading you.  It is a unique experience for every one.  And I know this may sound cliche, but the most appropriate advice to give is to give it time.  Your situation is a bit more compounded by the fact that after breaking up you still lived together.  I know a bit about that and believe me, it makes it even more difficult.  Her getting married to a guy, adds to it even more.

Having said all that, here's my advice to you and I sincerely hope that it helps.  The first thing you need to do is accept that it's finally over (which I think you've already done).  The next thing would be to now focus on things that you were deprived of doing while you were living together.  It may sound simple enough, but there are a lot of things that you restrict/deprive yourself of doing (simple little things at times) so as to spare the other person's feelings.  It could be as simple as going out to see or renting a movie.  It could be taking a walk, visiting friends, relatives, taking that trip.  You will have to look within yourself and figure out what these things are.  The main thing is to focus on you and what you want to do and that you would not have done before.

Additionally, be kind to yourself (easier said than done a lot of times) but totally essential.  Accept that it's okay to cry, mope, mourn, whatever it is that you need to do to come to grips with it.  All of the above are a part of the healing process and in no way means that you are weak, soft or pathetic in any way.  Just take things one day at a time.  Fill your thoughts and activities with positive things.  Make plans of things you'd like to do now that you are free to do them and work towards that.

And before I bore you to tears or turn this into an episle of some kind, I'll shut up now.

Here's hoping I've helped in some way.

First off I agree with Slym....there isn't some magic clock with an alarm that goes off and "ding" your healed.  Only you get to determine when you are "over it".  But don't you see....that is where you have the control.  Instead of simply sitting back and waiting for some magic fairy to come along and tell you "ok enough time has passed you can wake up now and all will be better", you get to determine how long you lay on the couch listening to old Whitney Houston songs and crying into your pillow.  By the way I don't mean that in a sarcastic way....hell we have all done it in our own way.  Trust me I have been just as damn pathetic as the next lesbian that got drunk all alone and called my best friend in the middle of the night crying to ask what was wrong with me.  So I'm not picking on you...and I wish I could say that the breakups get easier.....they don't, you just get more experienced at realizing that the cat/dog is truly going to love you the most but doesn't have any damn advise.

But what I am saying is YOU have control over how long this mourning process takes and just how much you beat yourself up.  Here are some things that I have done in the past that helped "speed" things up.

1. I agree with Slym....focus on some things that you didn't get to do before and DECIDE that you will do them.  Make them fun things!!  Don't make them things that will bog you down into the muck of dispair like....don't pick this as the time to rifle through all the old photo albums (jeez thats just freaking torture) pick something like going on a road trip or going camping or skydiving or something else that YOU like.

2. Make lists of the things that YOU need to do for YOURSELF each day.  I don't know about you, but when I am in a relationship I develop habits and when the relationship ends I sometimes find myself repeating the same habits or finding myself with empty time space and not knowing what to do.  Make a list of the things that YOU want to accomplish that will give you a sense of accomplishment and soon you will feel like you are moving on.

3. Call your OTHER friends for awhile.  I know that your first reaction is to call her every time something happens.....I know that she is the absolute first person you call when something happens.  Try making her the third person you call.....then try calling her for the important things and so on.  It is a sign that you are moving on when you can actually NOT pick up the phone and call her every single time the cat coughs up a fur ball.  I am not advocating that you lose your best friend.....but lets be realistic here I don't talk to my best friend 8 times a day.

4. Now this one is a big challenge but it is really important.  Try going out with OTHER friends for a period of time (start with short periods at first) and tell your friends before hand that it is important for your healing process that at no time shall any conversation be about or include the name of your ex.  Trust me they are all probably tired of hearing "her this and her that" all the time anyway.  But to really get over someone you need to be able to go out with OTHERS and actually communicate about things that don't include your ex.  Don't worry after you have progressed successfully she will naturally ease back into these conversations and it won't have the same angst as it does now.

But all of these tricks and tips are just things that you can do to speed the process along, but they don't take away the pain.  Going through a breakup just plain sucks and it hurts.  You only have 3 choices 1) Never love again (not recommended....not worth it) 2) Live in misery after a breakup for way too long and miss out on some good living (once again not recommended) 3) Learn to take control of YOUR life and how YOU will bounce back (really this is the best option).

Good Luck....and I really do wish that broken hearts never had to happen.

look at it this way....maybe one day u'll look back on that relationship and think of it as "vanilla" compared to alllllllll the choices u have out there,

and the longer u stay locked indoors, the longer ur gna be keeping that gorgeous woman (or 2 or 3....) out there waiting for uuu ;)

[ps ive not been in (real) love yet...so thats y this post aint as heartfelt as the rest...sowwy]

~love is giving someone with the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to~

my first love.. well i met her in 1999.. sooooo... 8 years... shit.. time flies by..

we were together, then she broke up (broke my heart), then we got back together, then she broke up again.. and then we got back together and then she broke up again... i think the 4th time or maybe the fifth i broke up with her... then we got back together..

and then i broke up with her (trust issues?) and then we got back together last year and it was all just perfect. the love of my life (i hope not the only one).. thought it all went fine.. felt exactly how i used to feel.. loved her.. even planned to have a family.. so i move there.. and guess what?? she breaks up with me.

I would never take her back. She's played with me a little too much by now.

advice?

hmmm.. just.. cry... grieve.. it's gonna feel like shit.. you open up your heart to someone and love them and then they just betray you.

it takes time.. don't try to ignore how crap you feel though. you have to grieve..

after awhile.. it gets easier.. don't know if you will ever get over her.. but hopefully you will meet someone who is a lot more worthy of your love than she was.

I have to comment that Uneek has made some very valid points and suggestions.

I avoided throwing this in the first time because I can tell that you're experience (love) is limited, but this suggestion doesn't necessarily relate to love-life as such.  Instead it is a life lesson that will alleviate a lot of hurt in your life.  If a lot more of us could learn to depend on OURSELVES for our happiness, then we'd be a lot better off.  Don't get me wrong, being in love and having someone to love can bring you the greatest joy in the world, however, as we all know, love - as well as so many other things in life- does come to an end a lot of times.  Therefore, if you can find a way to make Y-O-U the ultimate source of your happiness, then it will be much easier to move on. 

In this regard, teach yourself to be 1) Totally comfortable with Y-O-U (who you are).  Accept that you love this or that or hate this or that and know that it's truly OK to do so.  It is key, however, to at the same time be flexible and considerate of others (lover/partner, etc) and be willing to compromise. 2) Find a way to be resilient - get hurt, get down in the dumps, grieve, whatever - accept all of that as a process; it's ok, it's normal to do these things.  Lots of times we think that we are the only ones who have to do these things, but it is the nature of the human being - it's N-O-R-M-A-L.  So go through the process, then say enough is enough, it's time to get over it. 3) Start the healing process N-O-W. I know I've said it before, but it is so important to start right this minute.  Too many times we tell ourselves, we'll start tomorrow, next week, as soon as I finish this, or get to this place.  Don't put it off! And starting (again like I mentioned before) doesn't have to be any MAJOR event.  It's as simple as resolving to get up and go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch. YES, it is that SIMPLE.

Once again.  Good Luck.

Cheers

Just to elaborate on something I mentioned in my last post. To hlep put things into perspective, this question should get you thinking: Who else HAS to live with YOU?  Seriously, think about it.  The answer is quite obvious but so easily and so often overlooked.  Some people go through a lifetime without ever realizing it.  The only person who HAS to live with YOU is Y-O-U.  Now that being the case, you'd think that more people would spend time making sure that they are comfortable with themselves.  Now we all know that this is not the case.  Ask yourself these questions: when the love/lover is gone, who's left? When the job and other people let you down, who's left?  When family and friends leave (for one reason or another) who's left?  Simple questions really but they bear so much relevance.  Get right with you then u can get right with anyone else (a bit cliche but true). Do right by you, be good to you, believe in you, then take on the rest of the world.

P.S. not meaning to make light of anything here, but I just realize that if I keep this up, a Dear Slym column will need to be started..lol - Humor is good for the soul and that's all that's intended here...lol

Thanks everyone for your comments - they really are helping.  I'm doing my best to keep busy - I think keeping my mind off of her and how much I miss her is the first step.  Then remembering who I was before her and trying to find that person again.  Not easy after living with her and being inseparable for 8 years.  Hardest thing - digging deep down inside myself and trying to be the best friend I can be right now - being supportive and happy for her even though I'm dying inside.

 And myocardial - thanks for your comment - I do hope that one day I look back and wonder what the hell I thought was so great.  I certainly know its possible, I'm able to look back and see the faults in the relationship and know that I want more next time.  Just need to find that right person, which is much easier said than done.

It is getting easier as the days go by without her living here.  We still see each other and talk at work every day, and call or text outside of that, but she hasn't had much time to spend with me lately, which is understandable with everything that is going on in her life.  So I am getting used to her being gone and living alone.  I might even be okay with it soon.  It helps to have all the people here who care and know what I'm going through!

 Thanks guys!

it's been really great reading these comments as i can relate to this situation and this advice so much.

i'm only sixteen and my first and only ever girlfriend (of two years) has recently broken up with me.

she felt that the spark had gone but for me i never felt it had faded at all, and i had never got near to a place where i was prepared for it to end so it's such a shock to the system and i don't know what to do with myself. we have been best friends for three years and she knows me better than anyone in the world. i keep calling her but i know i have to stop because i'm suffocating her and suffocating myself. last night she told me she was losing patience and couldn't go on trying to help me any more.

i had never heard her talk to me with such frustration and lack of love and it dawned on me that i was coming close to losing her as a friend.

i don't know what to do, everybody says to give it time but i hate just sitting and waiting when i can't get her out of my head. i know it would seem i don't want to help myself, but i am trying it's just all my instincts are trained towards loving her, and i was so certain we would have a life together.

i would love some advice because i'm feeling pretty lonely right now. i hope that wasn't too self-indulgent, but it's been cathartic, in a better way than sitting and crying.

 thanks

I would vote for a Slym Advise Column.

You give great advise!!!

All of the advice above is relevant, however, based on your age I would like to advice you to get involved in a lot more activies and go out with friends more.  When you're that young and the first love bug bites, it's like nothing else in the world so I can empathize with you on that.

I think it is important to say to your ex that you accept how she feels, you respect the decision she's taken, you realize that you are calling her too often and will work on cutting back because her friendship means a lot to you and you don't want to lose her as a friend. Based on your post the friendship sounds like one that's worth preserving.  It's important that you actually say these things to her.

Then you've got to stick to what you proposed and not call her so much.  I won't go down the road of time will heal, I know how much teenagers hate to here that and I respect that.  You really need to refrain from calling her that much and trying to convince her to get back with you.  It's obvious that she doesn't want the same thing.  Pursuing it would do more harm than good.  I know it probably feels like the end of the world, but it isn't.  Just find a way to focus on other things.

I'm a bit scatter-brained today so I hope this bit helps.  I've got a lot going on work-wise.

Good luck.

Well since you can't (or shouldn't) take her hostage.  You really have no choice but to move on.  You don't have any control over what she does or why she chooses to do it.  And since there are some serious consequences with taking hostages.....and sitting there growing old and being miserable is well just not an ideal situation.....my recommendation is that you follow all of the above recommendations and actually choose for yourself that you are just plain done with being miserable.  The fact is you cannot change the situation with her, the only thing you can change is what you do with your life.

So now your main question of "How" do you get over the only person you have ever loved....you simply make a fundamental decision that you WILL move forward.  You cannot stay stuck.  You have absolutely no idea if there will ever be someone in your future unless you free yourself from where you are right now.  Every day tell yourself that you will do something that binds you more in the present or future and removes your binds to a past that has no place for you.  Read the posts above about how to do really fun good healthy things that excite your life, these things really do help.  But you have to let her go.

Certainly been there before, she eventually decided to get over it and actually be with me for a while.  Only advice I can offer is to say ditto to Uneek - do what you have to to get over her and move on.  Trust me - you don't want to be with her if she still has those reservations about your relationship.  You'll get hurt.  If, after time, she comes around and changes her views, then maybe consider giving it a chance.  A broken heart hurts, but it probably hurts even more to have one after you've been told you were only an "experiment" and a mistake - trust me. 

 You really want to make sure she's 100% into it if she decides she wants to be with you.  Otherwise it won't work out anyway.  Good luck!

I don't know how long ago that happened - but give her some time to come around.  She may just be a little 'freaked out' right now or something, for lack of a better term.  Without knowing exactly how it all happened, I can't offer much good advice, but maybe some time and space will help.  After she thinks things over and comes to terms with it, you never know what might happen.

 I totally understand how you feel though, there will always be a bit of a wedge between my best friend (also an ex) and I because she knows I still have feelings for her.  It definitely changes the dynamics of a friendship, in terms of what she feels comfortable telling me and sometimes how she acts towards me.  But for my own good (to keep her as close, and to make her comfortable), I really never bring up the fact that I'm still in love with her.  I try to keep the friendship feelings and relationship feelings separate (its hard, but most of the time I can manage it).

Just don't give up on her yet - keep making the attempt to talk to her (not meaning stalking her or anything, but try to call her once a week or something or email - just casual message telling her you just called to say hey and see how she is or something).  She probably hasn't totally written you off, even though it might feel like it.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes...

I'm still not over mine, and I don't even have the excuse of seeing her all the time. It's been four years now of little to no contact (we actually only recently started speaking, again). I've accepted that I'll never get over her. I may move on, and date other people, and be perfectly happy, but I'll never get over it. She'll always have a place in my head and in my heart.

I don't think that helped, much.

x Rage More x

I've been going out with my first girlfriend for a little over a year and a half now.  When I mentioned to her on our year and a half anniversary that it has been that long, a few days later I feel like something isn't right.  She began to act differently and just being down right mean.  This has happened to us a few times, 3 to be exact, but we never have broken up.  This time we did... For like 12 hours or something like that.  Yeah I know pretty sad, we couldn't even make it a day without one another.

Now I kept telling her that I can't be her friend because I know that we're just going to fall back into it again, but she insists that we don't have to lose the friendship also.  I at least have the good sense to know that we couldn't remain friends, not right away at least.  But 12 hours goes to show how much I really don't know how to quit her.  It doesn't help that we attend the same college, work in the same building, and have the same friends.

I'm not sure if getting back together with her is the right decision.  From what I've read, it seems like a pretty common mistake.  I don't have a problem with being in a relationship, she does.  The explanation she gives me is that she sees us being together for a long time and that I'm not letting her seek other opportunities...  Yeah I know, she's not ready for me or a relationship because she has too many insecurities that I can't help her get over.

So can somebody knock some sense into me and tell me to grow a pair and finally let her go?  I would just ask some of my friends to do that but as I mentioned before, we have the same friends in common, and I don't want to put them in an awkward situation.  I'm also a very private person, I don't talk about my relationship problems with others, so posting this is a big step for me.

Oh and not to take away from the post that started this discussion and I know I'm not really helping you out either, but I'm in need of some advise too.

My Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=592845534&ref=nf

She broke my heart..arrgggh..

imagine a gf who breaks up wit u for a dumb reason by not calling and ignoring u for 5 months.. thn later on tells you tht she wants a bf, and tht u should get one too...WTF??..

my first love..how nice..