with children from a previous life. I venture to say that perhaps it is not discrimination, but an understanding of themselves, and what they are prepared for. Not every lesbian wants to be a mom, or be involved with children. Many women I know think of that as one of the perks of being a lesbian, unlimited sex with no fears of pregnancy.
Maybe the women who back away just are not interested in taking on that role. I've known women who have put a revolving door on their children's hearts, moving girlfriends in and out of their lives without consideration for the stability that children need. That responsibility also falls on the girlfriend, as when they come into a woman's life, they also come into the child's life.

It's a huge responsibility, that not every woman is ready for.

Lisa

I agree here but disagree that it's not discrimination. It is discrimination but so what! We all have are own likes/dislikes, wants/needs, and consequently we do discriminate based on what they are. Discrimination per se is not wrong. It only becomes wrong when that discrimination violates one's rights. There is no right that declares a human being MUST satisfy the wants and needs of another. Therefore no one is obligated to do so. The initiator of this thread has a want/need for her child and herself to be accepted by lesbians. There are lesbians who don't want or have a need for a child in their lives. So tell me, why should your wants/needs supercede that of another?

By the way this isn't a lesbian/gay thing. There are hetero males who don't want to get tied up with a woman who has one child or more.

Once again I have to totally agree with blew both on the discrimination issue and the hetero remark though I have to add I am sure there are also straight women reacting the same to a man with a child.

"call me old fashioned but I prefer feminism that leaves a little something to the imagination!"

I don't think that I would have any problem with someone that had a child, in fact, I would really probably like it.  I would be very concerned with meeting the child though.  I would want to make sure that it is going to be something semi-serious before I was in the child's life, for the sake of all parties involved. I would not want to be in a casual relationship with a mother if the child was involved, it would be really hard to not get emotionally attached (for me anyway!)

I totally agree with Blew, it is not an orientation based problem, a lot of my male friends would not date a woman with a child just because they are not ready for that. 

I´m probably just a total perv in need of some de-freud-alizing but I find moms , specially younger ones(no!I'm not that perverted, I mean mid 20's early 30's) unbearably attractive. I love kids+I love moms+my single mother dated plenty with no inhibitions when I was growing up= bad idea. I've only been in one relationship with a woman with a kid, we were totally careful, waited until we were pretty serious for me to meet him. I ended up terribly heartbroken, not for her though, when we broke up she of course saw no reason why I should ever see her son again. It was so cold, he'd become such an important part of my life(I was also only 20 at the time,so maybe I was a little more fragile then now). Last time I saw him, he didn´t even remember me. Anyway, it's not like I avoid dating moms now, I just worry that it will happen again. Most of my friends, girls and guys, who have had similar experiences think pretty much the same way. Never because we don´t want to be tied down,not at all... I guess it´s more because we don´t want to be someone who can be eliminated so easily, with not being the other mother or father, and therefore not having at least something (other than love!!!) that binds us to the child.

http://comadotcom.blogspot.com

I mother with a child wouldn't stop me from getting to know her. If she is interested & i find her attractive then I'll go for it. It's how we agree to takes things forward that matters.

Wave

I'm totally on board the train of thought that someone should be forthcoming about the fact that they have a child before they get to the point of actually having dates with someone.  

I have friends -- both straight and non -- who tend to hold off telling people about their parent status until a 2nd or 3rd date. I think that is pretty unfair, especially if it something that is a deal-breaker to the unsuspecting suitor.  I think it is rather rude, arrogant and shows a complete lack of respect for others. 

In my weird little world, it is mostly my straight friends who are childphobic when it comes to prospective relationships.  I have several lesbian and gay friends who would be thrilled to learn new crushes come complete with progeny.  Some have even lingered longer than they might otherwise have in bad relationships only because they couldn't bear to part from the children. 

I have children and I am always upfront about it. I just ended a long-term relationship and it has been hard all the way around. The kids did NOT get very attached to her because she was not very patient or kid-friendly. She wasn't mean to them, she just never really connected or tried to get more involved. We did not live together because it would have never worked. Ultimately, this was one of the deal-breakers. She had never dated someone with children before and wasn't exactly thrilled that I had kids, but wanted to keep seeing me.

I was talking to a friend about this issue a few days ago. I was very surprised at the negative reactions to kids. To me, it's not really a straight or gay issue. I think there are three types...those who want to be a parent; those who like kids, but don't necessarily want to have them; and then those who are allergic to kids. My ex was somewhere in between like and allergic.

Now, I would be more interested in dating someone who has a child than someone who doesn't. It's just difficult to understand how the parenting thing works (or should work). My kids needs come first, that's just how it goes (so it's not what's going to be best for me or for my girlfriend). I met someone a couple weeks ago who is wanting to date me, but told me initially when we first met that she was NOT interested in dating someone with kids.  "Hell no" was actually what she said.  When I told her I had kids, she changed her tune and said that would be okay. That's pretty much what happened last time and I can't see myself going down that road again.

Deana, your question "Is it because that person no longer qualifies as a bonafide lesbian because there is a constant reminder that they weren't always?" I have encountered this thinking and here's my two cents...

I have only been with one man...the father of my children. I still identify as bi-sexual though, even though I haven't been attracted to an attached/bio penis in years (don't really have any issues with men, just don't find about 90% of them sexually attractive).  Unless someone is a gold star card-carrying lesbian (as in never had it, not a chance in hell they ever will), who are they to judge you (or me)? I have met some "lesbians" who have been with tons of guys, but would bristle if someone called them bi-sexual or formerly straight, etc. To me, that's a big whatever. If someone has a hang-up over that, they aren't worth dating anyway.

I'm a single lesbian mom and have been for a way long time (single, that is...the lesbian bit is beyond a way long time).  I just haven't had the energy to even consider dating.  I'm a lot like my own mom that way.  She was widowed at the age of 33 with 5 small children and wasn't jumping at the prospect of dating or remarrying.  To her, it would be like taking on a 6th child to take care of.  I just have one, but she talks a lot so it's kind of like, well, 5 of them.  She's in high school now, so i'm beginning to find myself with a little residual energy suitable for dating...(but, she's still talking, more than ever, actually.)

In any case, if I ever do manage to start dating again, I certainly wouldn't fail to disclose the fact that I have a child.  Oh, and, allergictonuts, you said:

"So why is it that when I walked down the street by myself, I get subtle hints of interest, but when I am with my daughter, I become invisible.  "

I'm thinking that I need to walk around your neigborhood.  Those subtle hints of interest just aren't turning up in mine.  Oh, wait, maybe it's not the neighborhood that's the issue, maybe, it's (egad)....argh I can't finish that thought.  Gotta go...I'm picking up my daughter from horse camp at the crack of dawn tomorrow.

i am so glad to finally hear from some people like me. i am in the process of coming out. currently married to the only man I have ever been with I have a two yr old son and I am nervous about joining the lesbian community as it is, never mind with this additional issue. i had female relationship before him, settled down with him because he was my best friend and 5 years later coming to terms with my identity. crushing on some women finally got to me and in a way despite all the stress, i feel more at peace telling myself the truth. to me i never was straight, just was trying my best to be

good luck to everyone!

- sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

the only reason i would worry about dating a woman with a child, is that if the relationship doesn't end up lasting long, i would be worried about the effect it would have on the child, they've just got used to having you around, and then your gone. it must feel like being abandoned over and over again. my ex has a child but he was only a baby when we were together, so doesn't really remember me, but i still make the effort to go and see him whenever i can.

i understand how some people may not want to get involved with someone, of whatever gender or orientation, with a child. i find it strange though, when some lesbians automatically dismiss a lesbian mom from further consideration simply on the basis that she had a physical relationship with a man and that she was presumably not gay at some point in her life.

i wouldn't exactly call it discrimination, since a person's choice of partner, lover, or girlfriend (or some other label) shouldn't be subject to another's choice or preference (i mean, that's partly how a lot of lesbians argue against the condemnation they face from loudly ignorant and sanctimonious people). i just think it's a regrettable loss of opportunity to meet some individuals who could turn out to be someone really special and who just happen to share their lives with small people they brought into the world.

and if those individuals choose to be or continue to be gay, then brava. for my part, i think there's more than a hint of eroticism when i know a woman with a child has feelings so strong as to overcome, in whatever way, part of the general public's disapproval of lesbian relationships.

i mean, really, what more validation does one need in that case? :)    

I for one do not want kids, ever. It has nothing to do with the child but I just don't want the responsibility. My partner and I came to an agreement on this but I think somewhere deep down inside she would like a child. She loves kids so I don't know what this will mean for us in the future as the clocks start ticking. Right now we are still young but in ten years, who knows. I like kids but they can annoy me after a while. I know that sounds harsh. I am very protective of my nieces and nephews and my friends kids and like to spend time with them but at the end of the day I know they will be going home to their own house.

I have a friend at work who is married with a child. We flirt and have some tension between us and we are attracted to each other (that is a different subject altogether). I have to keep reminding her that she is married and that I have been with my partner for 8 years. Anyway, she asked me if she wasn't married and if I wasn't with my partner if we could ever happen. My answer to her was no because of her child. Some people, like myself, may fall in love with a person but will not pursue a relationship because of children. The love will have to remain an almost.   

...but at my age, I'm not inclined to date woman who have small children or who think that they have to go to extra lengths to support their adult children. I like to date younger women. I have a grandchild and don't want to participate in raising another. I gave many years of my life to my child and am now enjoying the grandma role.

And by going to extra lengths in supporting adult children, I mean those whose children are 30 years old and still living at home where mom cooks dinner and washes their clothes and they don't pay rent.

I had 1 GF who didn't have children, 1 GF who had a child around my child's age, and 1 GF with an adult child who lived in another state. I find that anytime there is more than 1 person in the dynamic, there are different challenges to deal with. So the individual situation needs communication, just like in all relationships.

If someone doesn't want a child or to help raise one, then they should be upfront about that and not date women who have a child(ren). Likewise, a woman with a child(ren) should be upfront in disclosing same, even if not bringing the other person around until the relationship gets more serious.