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Younger Sister Coming Out. Need Help!My 14 year old sister told me she thinks she might be queer (like her older sister… me). Although I had certainly expected a conversation of this sort to come up… I didn't expect it to happen at such a young age. I hardly knew what to say. Her arguments... I was trying to keep from falling apart myself while she sobbed because she felt different. Every feeling of loneliness.. the utter devastation which accompanies the realization that you aren't "normal"... came rushing back. At the same time, I am even more satisfied that I came out... finally... I can help one of my sisters through this process before they drown and some sort of self-hate. I have another sister (19) who came out to me and is on a self-destructive path. I just want to take this pain away. Unfortunately, I know this is a necessary part of the process. My little baby (ok… I am only 12 years older)... she has had too much life already... Here is what I told her...- It is natural to develop crushes on girls... all girls do it... that doesn't make you queer. - Boys at the age of 14 can be annoying and she shouldn't look too deeply into that argument... - I know plenty of straight women who don't like men at all... (how sad) - I am queer, and she and I are very much alike... This doesn't mean that she is queer as well. - Regardless of whether she is or is not, she can clearly see that it has not been a negative in my life and that she should just keep treating people well because that is all that matters. Even though I would be proud to see her out and proud (yah Pride!)... not at this young of an age and not in a little Midwest town. I need some advise on how to continue to help her. Please! Submitted by MSN (11 posts) on June 19, 2007 - 3:05pm. |
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Sounds to me
As the youngest
of three lesbians in my family, I'd say she is damn lucky to have you to talk to about her sexuality. I know it seems like alot of drama right now, but your little sis will probably find her way just fine. Just keep the lines of communication open and be willing to listen without judgement.
Lucky Sister!
Wow
My little sister doesn't like boys either, and she's 18. I used to think she was gay because she would have the same type of intense friendships I did with girls when I was younger. However, she is super religious (kind of inspiring really...) and only two of my friendships turned into lesbian relationships and I still adore the other girls in a non-sexual way. I know she looks up to me, and we talk about a lot. When she was 14 we used to write notes back and forth to each other (I was a Senior in high school) at night and hide them in each other's rooms to keep the sisterly communication flowing. I adore my baby sister and I hope that if she comes to me with something such as that, I would be as understanding and caring as you seem to be. Just be there for her, and answer as many questions as you can. Good luck, darlin'!
" But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East and Juliet is the sun! Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon." - Sometimes I feel like Romeo.
thank you
Support?
I've been in a. . .
I've been in a. . . semi-similar situation? My younger brother came out to me, very gradually, from the time he was 16 to when he was 18. I say "gradually" not because he dropped a lot of hints or anything. His talking to me (his queer sister, seven years older) about his sexual orientation kind of went hand-in-hand with his being able to come out to himself. It was really, really, really hard for him - he desperately did not want to be gay, though he said that if he's honest with himself, he's known since he was 12 years old.
The big thing that I tried to impress upon him is that all these words -- 'gay,' 'lesbian,' whatever -- they're just words. They don't define him and they don't define me. You live your life, you love who you love. The labels are just words that society, in general, uses so that it can have a way to talk about the relationships that we have, but the problem is that society has started to use those labels like they define the kind of people we are. Which we all know they don't.
So maybe try to impress upon her that she doesn't need to call herself a lesbian yet (or ever)? I'm not saying that she, or anyone, should stay closeted forever. I just wish that people could love whomever they want to love without having to categorize it or categorize themselves. As long as she understands that all love is good love (uh, as long as it's between consenting adults or minors that are in an appropriate age range, of course) there's no need to worry about "being gay." The world will eventually demand that she pick a label but there's no reason to rush it.
Dude, this would be a really good question for Cathy DeBuono's vlog (if you don't follow it: she's an actress with a master's in clinical psychology who answers people's psychology/self-help questions here on AE). She'd probably have some helpful advice.
Just to say...
The big thing that I tried to impress upon him is that all these words -- 'gay,' 'lesbian,' whatever -- they're just words. They don't define him and they don't define me. You live your life, you love who you love. The labels are just words that society, in general, uses so that it can have a way to talk about the relationships that we have, but the problem is that society has started to use those labels like they define the kind of people we are. Which we all know they don't.
So maybe try to impress upon her that she doesn't need to call herself a lesbian yet (or ever)? I'm not saying that she, or anyone, should stay closeted forever. I just wish that people could love whomever they want to love without having to categorize it or categorize themselves. As long as she understands that all love is good love (uh, as long as it's between consenting adults or minors that are in an appropriate age range, of course) there's no need to worry about "being gay." The world will eventually demand that she pick a label but there's no reason to rush it.
I thought that was awesome, well said!!!
Lables are just words, and its pretttty impossable for a string of letters to define an emotion, or a relationship... let alone a whole person!
The only thing I would add ...
Is to tell her that she doesn't need to decide right now. There's so much going on when one is 14 ... But she doesn't need to set it down in stone and bring it down from the mountain top.
And it's great that when/if when she does decide, you'll be there for her. And I'd tell her that as well.
Nicely done.
For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
It's always our self we find in the sea
no rush
Would be my biggest emphasis. I know at that age you feel like you need to or should have control of everything and it's especially hard when your friends are starting to date and you're not really interested.
Sounds like you gave good advice, just reiterate there's no rush to figure it out. Be careful though, not to be too one sided in encouraging her to take her time and consider. I spent a lot of time thinking "Boys are just annoying and everyone has crushes on girls" and it wasn't until I was 20 that it struck me that not everyone REALLY feels quite like I feel about girls. ;)
Way to be a supportive sis. :D
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