hiya! iv known i am gay /bi for like 3 years now, im nearly 19 and im still unhappy going with lads because i dont want any1 to suspect. but there is no way i can come out, i can never picture myself telling any1, in some way im kind of ashamed of it, why? i dont know and i shouldnt be. is there any1 else like this or i am just weird lol.
first off, you shouldnt be ashamed, considering theres nothing wrong with you. even though other ppl think that there is. and you're not the only one. i was lucky, my mom's a lesbian, she made it soooo easy to come out, but i know that it feels like that if you tell anyone, they'll reject you right away. its only my opinion, but if you tell someone you know really cares about you (in person or in a letter) it might be easier. i know this probly didnt help at all, but you're not alone and you should try coming out to someone, even if its just one person, because i promise, it'll make you feel a LOT better about yourself. good luck =]
So far I've told two people and it made me feel so much better about myself. Try to find people who you think will love you regardless of what your sexuality is. Just get it out! I told my cousin (who is Bi) and my friend (who is a gay dude). I have also tried telling my parents... but that was many years ago and they totally dismissed it.
but be sure that they are safe people to tell. And I recommend waiting a few years.
But you don't have to be open to the world in order to have a relationship with someone! You can date women and ask that they respect your privacy until you are ready to tell folks.
I've been out for 3 years now but I came out to my mom just 2 weeks ago. I really didn't know why at this time I felt the need to tell her she lives across the country but once I did I realized telling her help reassure myself that there was nothing wrong. Even tho she doesn't agree. So I'd say telling people regardless of their reaction which by the way I anticipated would be much worse than it ended up being, and I'm from a deeply christian home, telling people helped me settle in to my acceptance of myself. And I'm just sooo in love with the feeling. You should try it on for size
Hi I just created an account so I could reply. I really understand exactly what you're going through. I know that I like girls but I haven't told anyone. You're not weird. I've actually made myself become anti-social just so that people wouldn't expect something like...gay about me. Lol, I still have the jitters from creating an account!
I've had the exact same thing...even though I created my account months ago, I'm still nervous that my college roommates or my mom will find out I have it...I feel like it would be a lot better to tell someone and I do have people I can trust, I'm just nervous about the repercussions, I don't know. It's been awhile that I've known this about myself, now it's just a matter of letting other people know.
When I first joined, I also had the jitters 'cause I saw it as a massive step in my confused gay realisation process! I mean, having a membership on here is pretty much coming out and making a stance on your orientation right? I'm totally not worried about anyone finding out though, I mean how could they?? Lol, if one of my friends knew this website it must mean a) they're gay, or b) they're gay-friendly, so it's happy days all around! :D
It made me feel a lot better about being who I am though, being on AfterEllen has just made me feel more certain about liking girls.
I had been visiting this website for several weeks on a daily basis but I created my account i think two days ago and it feels really good to know that you guys are feeling the same thing....now I know i'm not the only weird here..lol jk. I still haven't told anyone because I myself is still a lil bit confused... i don't know..I'm still trying to figure this thng out.
and yea if people find out i have this account maybe it's a lil bit more easier to tell 'em.
I feel exactly the same way. Recently I have been backing off chiming in with the "omigosh he is SOO HOT" and sticking with, "yeah, he's good looking." It' a small step on which I think is going to be a long journey to coming out. Also, while heavily intoxicated I have kissed guys just to fit in, I guess. Like last night (although I don't remember...) I kissed this one guy when all I really wanted to do was be with the girl who we were hanging out with earlier in the evening that I have been crushing on for the past couple of months. I was sitting next to her for a while and got those butterflies. Sigh.
For the past couple of weeks I have been down, not depressed, just down. I have attributed it to crappy weather, school stress and figuring out how to come out. I think I've been keeping my friends at arms length because I am afraid of how they would react to me telling them. So I'd rather push them away then have to deal with rejection. I should probably have a little more faith in them, but I am scared. Although sometimes I feel like they won't be overly suprised? I don't know. So my current plan is to find a gf and hopefully that will help because I will have someone to lean on if things don't go over so well.
I have been trying to gear up to tell my best friend. She knows I have been down lately and have been asking what was wrong. So I have just been telling her I'm working some things out, and that I'll tell her eventually. She's been supportive offering a shoulder to lean on. I just don't know if she has any idea what it is.
So basically I just don't know. Sorry for the long post but it feels really good to get this off my chest.
What you described is all too familiar. I was going through all of that stuff about a year ago, and finally, after doing some stupid/dangerous things, I was talking to my two best friends (drunkenly) and told them. They actually laughed and said, who cares? Since then I've told pretty much all of my best friends and not one person has responded negatively. Ya just gotta have faith and trust that they love you for who you are regardless. I always felt like it was so obvious but everyone says that they never would have guessed cus I "don't give off those vibes" but oh well. To be honest, my good friends who have just recently found out were just upset that I didn't tell them sooner, so I say give your friends a chance, they might surprise you! They actually encourage me to meet girls and get mad when I hook up with guys...haha too funny
I can't believe how much what you say is something I have went through. I have told all my close friends and none of them cared, but I am scared to tell my brother and my parents just because it is such a big thing. My friends were great about it though, so I was very happy.
Omg, thats really scary, i could say the exact same thing, the same happened 2 me aswell, im sure evry1 can relate 2 it, but with the whole 'upset because you didnt tel them sooner' weird and it was a year ago 2 haha!! x
Friends are God's Way of making up for family. When I came out about 5 years ago, I was so scared to tell my friends. They are all super-Christians and my friend's dad is preacher so I just knew that I'd be shunned. I told them on Christmas. It was kind of funny b/c they all came over to my mom's house; it was snowing like crazy out. We were all exchanging gifts in my bedroom. And I just said it.
And my friend said, "yeah, that sweater is pretty gay." And then I said, "No, guys...uh yes, this sweater is super gay but I'm gay."
And then they all started laughing, "Well then that sweater is definitely your style!" And then they totally started getting on me for not coming out to them sooner b/c apparently they're been long conversations about my gayness for years. I wish they would have told me!
Coming out is something I struggled with a lot as well, and I definitely did the whole keeping people at arm's length thing. Honestly, I didn't have the (metaphorical) balls to do it until I was in college, and in a very gay-friendly environment. In retrospect, I do kind of wish I'd done it sooner. I think there's usually a tipping point. If being closeted is making you so unhappy, i'd say it's likely you've come to it. You can do it!! good luck. =)
I totally relate to what XTARAX and aefilm21 are saying. I'm in the exact situation. And i'm just tired of it, tired of having to wonder what's the right thing to do, tired of living a lie to protect other people, tired of hiding and not knowing who i can trust, tired of being afraid of people's reactions when i come out, tired of being unhappy......so i'm gay?..oh the irony..
hey thanks for ur comments. its on my mind constantly. what pisses me off even more is the fact that i dont know how to deal with it. you have to get on with it tho dont ya!
It is very sad to read this and to read you feel ashamed. I feel very happy being gay although sometimes the way is hard. I was 23 when I realised I had strong feelings for girls. I didn't tell anybody, not even my best friends. I met different people (girls) through internet and I began to feel free. Once I felt good with myself I told my friends first and my family after.
Although I am in a long term relationship, there are a lot of people in my life who don't know I'm gay. I'd probably get fired if my boss knew it, so I can't tell my workmates either. I live a normal life in which my sexual orientation is something I share with the people who loves me.
is that I'm 21 yrs. old, and still living at home...a home that is very elaboratly decorated with all kinds of George W. Bush memorablilia. My parents are very old-fashioned and ultra-conservative. I came out (for the very first time ever) to one of my best friends a few weeks ago, but he is the poster-boy for being out and proud, so it was easier (even though I almost had a heart attack in the process). It is nice to see that I'm not the only person struggling with this, but wouldn't it be nice if there was a fool-proof plan to come out and not be disowned? I am at the point that I can't even imagine telling my family or most of my friends that I'm a lesbian, but being in the closet is getting very, very suffocating.
“A fool-proof plan to come out and not be disowned”I wish they had one of those… I’ve been bi for as long as I can remember and sadly I’m from a overwhelmingly conservative African family (yeah, those Africans who believe that there’s no such thing as gay African), my parents sorta kinda know that I’m bi but deny it and then threaten to disown me if it goes public. Right now I have no choice but to abide by their rule because they fund my education. I’ve never felt abnormal, not even once! It just hurts me that those I love won’t let me be who I truly am.
I'm in the same boat ... gotta love the African parents. My mum has recently started lecturing about it being time for me to stop my tomboyish ways and settle down. I'm thinking to myself you spent several months with me last year and did you not notice that no guys came calling but I had one female friend who visited quite often. My mother refuses to have conversations about sexuality because I think she knows that the day she engages in one will be the day that I confirm her suspicions.
I have a cousin who was all but disowned when he came out. I did stand by him during the ensuing fiasco and that has not exactly endeared me to my family.
When I came out to my mum, it was on a nice day and we went out for a neighbourhood stroll. We were walking along a perfectly paved sidewalk engaged in some random conversation. I kept trying to somehow work it into the conversation, but I couldn't find an opening, so finally decided to tell her. Except I had to work up the nerve first, so I fell quiet, pretending to listen to what she was saying, and my heart started to race in my chest. FINALLY after all of the hesitation, I blurted out that I was gay whilst staggering off the sidewalk after becoming momentarily light-headed.
My mother, being her hilariously immovable self, kept on walking and perfunctorily glanced at me from her peripheral vision, and said, "Did you trip?"
I was like, "Um, no..."
My mum: "Oh. Well, anyway...I guess I kind of knew."
Me: "You did?"
My mum: "Not really. Kinda."
Me: "What?"
My mum: "Meh."
And that was pretty much the end of that conversation. We talked about it a little bit more but she was perfectly accepting, and I suddenly began to feel like a dork for freaking out so much.
Alright, here is the story.I have been with my girlfriend for almost 7 years now.We got together right after I graduated from high school.She is the first woman that I have ever been with .We are still in the closet, her out of fear of how her family will react.Me, just because I am very close to her family and it would be difficult for me to be out to them without “outing” her, which doesn’t seem like a good option at this point.If I had my way we would be open and honest with our relationship.It isn’t like people don’t know right?
Things are good, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else!But there is a little bit of a problem.She wants to get pregnant and have a baby, which I am super supportive of.The problem that I have with it is what type of a role I would be playing in the life of the child.I don’t want to be the “aunt” of the baby.I would like to have an active role as a parent.She said that I could, and still be considered the “aunt”(to everyone else), that happens to sleep in her room!?!?! (I don’t see that working out).
Would it be totally unfair for me to say that if I can’t be a parent figure that I won’t be involved at all?I don’t want to cause her not to have a baby, but I need to know what my role is going to be…. Help me, I need some input here
I kinda understand what your going through. i went through the same predicament when i met my fiance, before her, I never really committed so I didn't feel that it was important to "come out" officially to my parents. But then again i was the odd ball of the family and never really talked to my parents about personal things. My friends and everyone else knew I dated women since i was 14. But when I met my fiance I knew I had to tell them. It was hard because they loved my fiance so much like a daughter, we were both afraid they would feel betrayed. Mind you I'm asian and my parents are very traditional. But since my fiance and I are dreaming of a future and making a family together we both had to tell our parents. It was gruelling, i won't lie. It was really hard and there were times where I regretted telling because of all the chaos, my mom went as far as telling me that if my father knew he would die and it would be my fault... They both tried to make me choose, either them or my fiance, or that if we stay together I need to leave the city or pay for them to go back home so they wouldn't be ashamed to look at their friends in america....it didn't work of course but it did cause alot of heart ache.. Its been a year since I came out to my parents and now they bought a house for us to congratulate our engagement. But I think my mom is happy only because my sister has a big mouth and told her about all those "other" relationships I've had and she just wants me to settle down.
If your planning on having a baby, I think it would be wise to come out to her parents. you'll have to teach the child so much already, about having two moms and etc.. you'll only confuse the kid further. Besides it isn't fair to you, if the kid is BOTH of yours then you should have the name and parental right as she does. If we had a kid I'd want him/her to understand that I am their parent as well. Seriously, its been seven years!!! if her parents love you both in time they'll accept you both. It will be hard but work through it, don't give up.
...the aunt thing doesn't really work. For many reasons. One is that everyone else will know the truth anyway(So why lie?You won't be the child's aunt you'll be her mother!).Another reason is that you'll just confuse your child. I went to a private Catholic school 1st through 8th grade. While there, I had a friend(who was adopted) who had a mom and what started out as an "aunt". As we got older, we naturally asked questions like "so is your aunt married cause she has a different last name than your mom?" or "why does your aunt come to EVERYTHING?". So like in the middle of 7th grade year she started calling her things like "my godmother" or "my mom's best friend who happens to live with us". We,needless to say, all eventually figured out what all of our parents already knew . I could understand feeling the need to hide the nature of your relationship in a potentially difficult and conservative environment, but you have to realize that everyone will figure it out. I'm pretty sure the nuns figured it out, but I guess they just acted as iif they didn't? Anyway, the important part is that your child fully understands the situation and that you, as a family, are always on the same page.
...the aunt thing doesn't really work. For many reasons. One is that everyone else will know the truth anyway(So why lie?You won't be the child's aunt you'll be her mother!).Another reason is that you'll just confuse your child. I went to a private Catholic school 1st through 8th grade. While there, I had a friend(who was adopted) who had a mom and what started out as an "aunt". As we got older, we naturally asked questions like "so is your aunt married cause she has a different last name than your mom?" or "why does your aunt come to EVERYTHING?". So like in the middle of 7th grade year she started calling her things like "my godmother" or "my mom's best friend who happens to live with us". We,needless to say, all eventually figured out what all of our parents already knew . I could understand feeling the need to hide the nature of your relationship in a potentially difficult and conservative environment, but you have to realize that everyone will figure it out. I'm pretty sure the nuns figured it out, but I guess they just acted as iif they didn't? Anyway, the important part is that your child fully understands the situation and that you, as a family, are always on the same page.
i guess that a baby is a perfect reason to clear things up !!! if you 've been in the closet for years and now wanna start a new life as a family , how can you still be in the closet ? what will you say to this child?
"of course it's normal that your aunt sleeps with me honey, every aunts do this ":)
the first years will be easy , but when the child will grow and ask questions , or just repeat everything he/she heard at home , and tell everyone how you and your girlfriend lives ... the kid will kick you out of this closet! looool
a baby is a wonderful thing , a new life ! so build this new life on old basis isnt a good idea!
Comme disait Jeanne D'Arc : " tu verras de quel bois je me chauffe " ;)
I just signed up to reply to this post. I can totally relate - Just finding things very hard at the moment. Judging from the posts above it looks like a lot of people are in the same boat. Was just wondering if not coming out has impacted your motivation for life in general. I'm supposed to be studying for finals at the moment but can't seem to find a reason to study, (usually do well but am seriously blowing it this time). It's like i have no one to be better for and can't simply do it for myself any more. Do other people feel being in limbo has impacted your lives like this or do you just get on with things?
Hobbes... I'm speechless... what you said... "It's like i have no one to be better for and can't simply do it for myself any more." I felt like crying because you so perfectly put into words my life at the moment.
I'm older (42) and so I have a certain amount of control over my life, ie I'm independant and financially secure... and I'm not out. I'd spent most of my life in denial, even though many had questioned my sexuality. It's like everyone knew except me.
So now, if I come out, I'll feel like a liar.
I tell myself now that I don't need to "come out" to others as it's no ones business, and since I'm single and don't see myself ever dating anyone (a whole other thread) then what's the point of anouncing it.
But hey, now that I've accepted that I'm gay I feel so much better about myself... except for being in limbo as life passes me by.
Ahh man.. I know what you're saying about, "If I come out, I'll feel like a liar."
I'm only 16 so I've only been in two sort of secret relationships with girls, but I haven't told too many people, and I'm finding it extremely hard to tell my mother.
Recently, a girl I used to be friends with (who did NOT know that I'm attracted to girls) decided to just kind of attack me socially, and I guess tried to ruin my reputation telling people I was a lesbian.. Which is not something I mind my peers suspecting of me, because I don't really care what kids at my school think.
But it bothered me more that she was using it as an insult!
When I told other people about the situation, I stated exactly that, but never said I WAS in fact into girls...
So now, if I were to tell them, it would probably give my ex-friend some kind of feeling of victory, and again, make my other friends think I was a liar.
Haha, I imagine I'll just be coming out in college or something...
I really urge you to not make waves until you are self-sufficient. Your main goal should be preparing to go to college, so that it can be a springboard to independence.
Then, come out! Good luck.
Also, what is important about that girl's attack is not so much what she said. What's important is that she attacked you. Instead of telling people what she said, tell them that she attacked you.
I am also supposed to be studying for exams now, but I find it really hard to focus, and I don't feel interested in the subjects as I used to. Maybe it's because I'm not fully out yet. I've only told my closest friends and my sister, and they have all been really nice about it. But I think it's just very frustrating that non of them truly understands me, because they are all completely straight. I'm nervous about coming out to my parents, because we don't usually discuss dating and sexuality and such. I just feel very alone in this, and I also feel a bit wierd about coming out when I have never been in a real lesbian relationship. Any advise??
I just got done with my finals too! Hope yours went well!!
Yeah, the time that wasn't spent studying was spent thinking things over. I'm not one to be overly forward about my feelings, which is probably why this has had such a huge impact. Like I posted before, I backed away from hanging out with the good friends I made this year because I'm afraid of rejection. So it has taken over alot of my time I guess, which I think is understandable considering the fact I feel it's one of those big life revelations. I had been questioning from about the end of last school year until the end of last semester and now I have pretty much accepted it and I am ready to move forward. I just don't know what the next step is so I guess I'll just try to see how things pan out.
Does anyone else feel tentitive even about going out and hanging out with other lesbians? Two friends I have (who don't talk to any of my good friends etc) know that I'm gay. So they have offered to take me out to our gay club at home this summer which I am looking forward to. But I'm still nervous I guess. I feel like I am entering a totally different world and don't possess the knowledge of the proper etiquitte or something haha.
p.s. that girl I have been crushing on for a while came over again tonight. She was talking about the guy she likes (as far as I know she's straight) but still, sometimes I think maybe, just maybe... oh well. It was kinda funny though cause our neighbor stopped over as they were leaving (her and her 2 friends) and was like "who is the blonde chick, shes HOT" and I was so temped to be like,"I know!" But I think I'll keep that one to myself for now.
Does anyone else feel tentitive even about going out and hanging out with other lesbians? Two friends I have (who don't talk to any of my good friends etc) know that I'm gay. So they have offered to take me out to our gay club at home this summer which I am looking forward to. But I'm still nervous I guess. I feel like I am entering a totally different world and don't possess the knowledge of the proper etiquitte or something haha.
I went to my first gay bar this weekend (My mother would be SO proud!) and I was like so paranoid that the door would open and someone I knew would come walking in. Then, I thought about it, and was like ok, if someone you know comes in here...they're probably gay, too, so....yeah.
The use of a preposition at the end of a sentence is something up with which I will not put.
okay ladies, i'm not new here, just haven't been around for a while. i'm sorry! anyway, i wanted to share with you a short excerpt of a convo (well, not really a conversation, since it involves one person talking to herself). this took place tonight durin gray's anatomy, when joe and his boyfriend are contemplating having a child....
anonymous: you know, this figures, this REALLY figures! i USED to like this show, until they started bombarding us with this sh#t! same with brothers and sisters.... it's like they want us to think it's all around us, like this is life, or something. it's not.
me: silence, silence, silence....
obviously this is a person whom i haven't come out to yet. and, a person i could not challenge (my friend's mom of whom i live with). i feel a couple of things right now: a) like a coward. duh. it IS life, and it's living right under your nose... but i suck and you don't know it yet. also, b) so angry because every time i hear something like this i can't help but feel like some sort of a freak, even though i'm confident with who i am and i've actually made strides with coming out lately.
i'm very sorry for the length of this post. however, i was wondering if anyone here ever lets another person make them question themselves or feel like some sort of freakshow....? am i alone in this or is everyone pretty much super confident? oye vey, thank you for ANY input ; )
I remember I was friends with this girl in high school and one day she said something along the lines of "Don't hit on me cuz I'm not gay, that is so nasty, you're going to hell, etc". I in turn said "Well, good thing you're below my standards so neither of us have a problem." she got so mad that we ended up arguing about how She's above my standards and how I should be in such dispair at the fact that I couldn't have her in all her straight holiness.
Eventually we dated for like 2 weeks and she's been "Bi-curious" ever since. It took me awhile and alot of self-questioning but ultimately my motto became "If you treat me like I have a sickness then I'm going to try to infect you." Half the time people who say silly things about gay life are the ones who want to be in that life but are too scared to join in and fear begets anger.
I just signed up to reply to this post. I can totally relate - Just finding things very hard at the moment. Judging from the posts above it looks like a lot of people are in the same boat. Was just wondering if not coming out has impacted your motivation for life in general. I'm supposed to be studying for finals at the moment but can't seem to find a reason to study, (usually do well but am seriously blowing it this time). It's like i have no one to be better for and can't simply do it for myself any more. Do other people feel being in limbo has impacted your lives like this or do you just get on with things?
I'm like this. I've only ever come out to a small handful of people in the past (and two of those are just people I email - I consider them friends but it's not like we meet up or anything).
I've pretty much repressed my sexuality since I realised I was gay at about 14 or so (embarrassingly, I'm 35 now). My family are fairly homophobic, so I don't see myself ever telling them, and this makes me sad.
Still, for all that, I was pretty much coping until I came out to a friend last year. It was great at first, and for the first time in years I felt truly liberated and hopeful for the future, and was convinced that telling him (and he was great about it) would be like some sort of catalyst for me to finally look to the future, blah blah. All this happened about ten months ago, and if I'm honest things have got much worse since then, and I'm more repressed and unhappy that I ever was before. So much so, that even though telling him appeared to help at the time, I now wish that I hadn't done so, because in telling him, it made me temporarily face up to things, and I now realise, more than ever, how unhappy I am.
So yeah, this has certainly impacted on my life, and my work is definitely suffering now, even though I keep trying to 'pull myself together'.
Anyway, I don't wish this on anyone else, still it's strangely comforting to know that I'm not alone with all this stuff.
To come out, that is. There are several times when it is not worth it, of course. When you know your family will disown you, make your life a living hell, or worse, try to harm you. Then, as hard as it is, you're going to have to wait until you are standing on your own two feet before you can start telling your friends about you.
But, if you're lucky and you've got either a) a supportive family or b) no family to worry about, then what's stopping you?
And without meaning to offend anyone, I cannot understand why anyone would want to remain closeted, even to themselves. Why lie? I mean, ultimately you're going to harm yourself. You'll go through the whole depression thing, the denial, the anger. Why not just skip to acceptance and be at peace with yourself?
Of course I'm only curious, there's no need to pay any attention to what I'm saying!
I could try to be all mature and say it's for other reasons but the simple truth is that I am not at peace with it myself. I KNOW I am attracted to women and I KNOW I would rather not be.... simply because it's easier, but there is that little part of me that still questions whether I am attracted to women because I am open to the idea. Kinda like in the way that I would be open to experimenting with drugs because I like the idea of feeling high or something. For the record, I haven't experimented with drugs... nor do I like the idea of being high. Maybe that's not a good example. I also haven't experimented with a woman, I just know I'd like it if I did. I don't ask anyone to keep this secret for me. Until I am ready I just don't date women. I would, however, like to met some friends. It really is tough because women who are out, who have already fought the good fight tend to come down on us closet cases pretty hard. I can understand why, if I were out I don't know if I'd want to get too involved with someone who isn't but I also wish for a little understanding. We all have different situations and there is no way of knowing how the truth will affect someone else's life. My family would FREAK OUT if they knew and at this point, I simply can't handle that. Call me a coward if you must but nothing anyone says about me could even compare to the things I say about myself! I wish I were different.... stronger, didn't care about what others think of me but alas I am not.
CAN I LET YOU ON A LITTLE SECRET JEN - IF YOU REALLY LIKE WOMEN YOU WILL NEVER FIND PEACE OR HAPPINESS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. YOU CAN CAN GET MARRIED TO LOOK NORMAL - YOU COULD COME OUT OR YOU COULD BE IN THE CLOSET - THE END STILL SPELLS UNHAPPINESS.I KNEW I LOVED WOMEN MY WHOLE LIFE BUT DID NOT HAVE THE GUTS AND STILL DO NOT HAVE THE COURAGE TO COME OUT. I SEE HOW THE LESBIANS WHO ARE OUT THERE - YOU ARE RIGHT THEY DO COME DOWN ON US PRETTY HARD ITS LIKE THEY WANT ALL THE SUPPORT THEY CAN GET BECAUSE THEY STILL FEEL INSECURE - IF YOU MARRY YOU ARE NOT ONLY MAKING YOURSELF MISERABLE YOU ARE ALSO HURTING THE OTHER PERSON. IF YOU DECIDE TO COME OUT BE PREPARED TO FACE A LOT OF HURTFUL THINGS - IF YOU DONT COME OUT YOU FEEL LIKE YOU IN A PRISON WITH PEOPLE WHO WALK AROUND LIKE THEY ALL SO PERFECT AND YOU THE ONLY MISFIT. SO YOU SEE THERE IS NO WINNING. ITS A CHOICE YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE AND FACE THE CONSEQUENCES. JUST SAY YOU FIND A WOMAN AND FALL MADLY IN LOVE - YOU HAVE TO DECIDE IS IT WORTH ALL THAT HURT AND PAIN YOU ARE GOING TO GET FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE - GOT MARRIED - HAD KIDS AND I AM STILL SO UNHAPPY AND LONELY - NO ONE UNDERSTANDS - THEN ONE FINE DAY I MET THIS AWESOME BEAUTIFUL WOMAN - WE FELL IN LOVE - IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL - I NEVER FELT THAT MY WHOLE LIFE WHAT I FELT IN THE FEW MONTHS WE WERE TOGETHER. SHE IS NOW STRUGGLING WITH IT - SHE IS TRYING TO TURN TO RELIGION AND IS SO ASHAMED OF WHAT WE DID - SHE IS SO AFRAID OF HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS FINDING OUT - SHE WOULD RATHER BE MISERABLE AND ALONE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE THAN BE WITH SOMEONE SHE LOVES BECAUSE SHE IS A LESBIAN. BOTH OF US ARE SO AFRAID OF COMING OUT - SO SHE CHOSE TO BE ALL ALONE HOPING TO GET FORGIVENESS FROM GOD BECAUSE SHE BELIEVES ALL THE HARDSHIPS SHE FACES IS PUNISHMENT FROM GOD FOR WHAT SHE DID. HERE I AM PRETENDING TO BE THE PERFECT WIFE AND MOTHER. WHAT A PERFECT WORLD WE LIVE IN. NO ONE WINS. BE VERY SURE WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR DECISION BECAUSE SOMETIMES UNINTENTIONALLY WE HURT THE PEOPLE WE LOVE MOST LIKE OUR CHILDREN OR PARENTS.
That's so sad, even tho I have my own struggles and hang ups I hate it when two people are in love and for whatever reason they can't be together. It just makes me sad. Thanks for your advice, and I know you are right... I will likely never be at peace with myself as long as I have this secret. I think about how 2 years ago I wouldn't even be a part of an online community like this so I have to remind myself that I'm making a tiny little bit of progress. Thanks!
You are right in the sense that life is a struggle; gay or straight, out or closeted. But I find that life tends to be what you make of it. In other words, PERSPECTIVE. I don't think anyone's life is easy, it is just a matter of how we deal with our situation. The one thing I have learned though, is that lying to yourself, lying to others, and pretending to be something you're not is a surefire way to end up depressed, angry, hurt, and unfulfilled.
To those who are afraid of how others will react (friends or family): If they truely loved you, then would they reject you? If they do reject you, then did they ever really love you? Or was their love conditional? Personally, I would rather know if the love of my friends and family was true or conditional.
To those who are afraid to come out because of religion: Religion of any variety should primarily be about love and compassion. If the religion teaches that intolerance and hatred come before love and compassion, then maybe you should take another look at that religion. Note: I am not speaking about faith. Those are two different things.
To the rest who are struggling to come out: It is never easy and you can't guarantee how those you love or those you work for/with are going to react. The first thing you need to do though, is to learn to accept and respect yourself, because others won't accept and respect you until you learn to accept and respect yourself first!
I'm sorry for the rant, but I hate to see so many people who are hurt, angry and scared. I have been in many (not all) of your shoes. I've been kicked out of a career I loved b/c I am gay; I've had to come out to religious family members; I've been in small towns with no support groups; I've delt with bigots and hate crimes; and I've delt with rejection by the lesbian community before. The point is, I am happier for accepting who I am and dealing with the list above, than I ever was when I was closeted and not accepting of myself.
My gf wasn't out when we started dating. I was out, so I gingerly would broach the subject with her, because closeted people are really, really, scared and when you're trying to coax a frightened squirrel from the tree you can't scream at it. I can't remember which holiday it was, either Thanksgiving or Christmas, she with her family and me with mine, that she decided enough was enough. She didn't want to be apart for every freaking holiday. So, we talked about her immense terror some more, the fear of rejection from her family, fear of getting fired from her job, of losing friends. I tried to be supportive and not some smartass making jokes. Anyway, she came out and the sky didn't fall. She didn't lose her family, friends, or job. I'm wondering, Jen, where you're at in your head with your situation. Do you accept yourself as who you are? That's where you have to begin. Get comfortable with your own thoughts, your inner voice, meditate, think deeply. Gees, I don't want to sound all new agey, but we all have personal truths that live within us. Maybe if you can get to that space, then you won't be so freaked out by your attraction to other women and your fear of what others will think of you because of it.
Out Burger! :) How awesome is this story! Gives me hope! Where am I? Standing on the corner of Scared and Terrified. :) Where am I? Just NOW realizing that I seriously may be into chicks! I am amazed by people who knew at 10 or 15 or even 5!! I seriously had no idea why I REALLY liked a couple of my girl friends. I still didn't put two and two together.... up until like 3 years ago! I mean, I always knew that I wasn't turned off by the idea but I always thought that I liked guys enough so that I would never consider actually hooking up with a woman! Why would I need to? Ha. WRONG!!
Do I accept myself as who I am? The short answer is NO, so that's what I am going to work on for now, accepting myself.... my confused, terrified, woman-loving self. :)
There IS always hope. Life changes, and we change, and stuff that seems too much to bear suddenly is a light load. Simply, have faith in yourself, in the future. You'll get there.
just tell me how?
hiya! iv known i am gay /bi for like 3 years now, im nearly 19 and im still unhappy going with lads because i dont want any1 to suspect. but there is no way i can come out, i can never picture myself telling any1, in some way im kind of ashamed of it, why? i dont know and i shouldnt be. is there any1 else like this or i am just weird lol.
xxx
i cant tell you how but...
first off, you shouldnt be ashamed, considering theres nothing wrong with you. even though other ppl think that there is. and you're not the only one. i was lucky, my mom's a lesbian, she made it soooo easy to come out, but i know that it feels like that if you tell anyone, they'll reject you right away. its only my opinion, but if you tell someone you know really cares about you (in person or in a letter) it might be easier. i know this probly didnt help at all, but you're not alone and you should try coming out to someone, even if its just one person, because i promise, it'll make you feel a LOT better about yourself. good luck =]
I agree
Definately!
So far I've told two people and it made me feel so much better about myself. Try to find people who you think will love you regardless of what your sexuality is. Just get it out! I told my cousin (who is Bi) and my friend (who is a gay dude). I have also tried telling my parents... but that was many years ago and they totally dismissed it.
hey
you could wait until it's more natural for you to tell someone
but be sure that they are safe people to tell. And I recommend waiting a few years.
But you don't have to be open to the world in order to have a relationship with someone! You can date women and ask that they respect your privacy until you are ready to tell folks.
I came out
I've been out for 3 years now but I came out to my mom just 2 weeks ago. I really didn't know why at this time I felt the need to tell her she lives across the country but once I did I realized telling her help reassure myself that there was nothing wrong. Even tho she doesn't agree. So I'd say telling people regardless of their reaction which by the way I anticipated would be much worse than it ended up being, and I'm from a deeply christian home, telling people helped me settle in to my acceptance of myself. And I'm just sooo in love with the feeling. You should try it on for size
Viana Says:
"I'm tryna see what that be like? "
Hi I just created an
Hi I just created an account so I could reply. I really understand exactly what you're going through. I know that I like girls but I haven't told anyone. You're not weird. I've actually made myself become anti-social just so that people wouldn't expect something like...gay about me. Lol, I still have the jitters from creating an account!
I've had the exact same
When I first joined, I also
When I first joined, I also had the jitters 'cause I saw it as a massive step in my confused gay realisation process! I mean, having a membership on here is pretty much coming out and making a stance on your orientation right? I'm totally not worried about anyone finding out though, I mean how could they?? Lol, if one of my friends knew this website it must mean a) they're gay, or b) they're gay-friendly, so it's happy days all around! :D
It made me feel a lot better about being who I am though, being on AfterEllen has just made me feel more certain about liking girls.
same here..
I had been visiting this website for several weeks on a daily basis but I created my account i think two days ago and it feels really good to know that you guys are feeling the same thing....now I know i'm not the only weird here..lol jk. I still haven't told anyone because I myself is still a lil bit confused... i don't know..I'm still trying to figure this thng out.
and yea if people find out i have this account maybe it's a lil bit more easier to tell 'em.
I hear ya
I feel exactly the same way. Recently I have been backing off chiming in with the "omigosh he is SOO HOT" and sticking with, "yeah, he's good looking." It' a small step on which I think is going to be a long journey to coming out. Also, while heavily intoxicated I have kissed guys just to fit in, I guess. Like last night (although I don't remember...) I kissed this one guy when all I really wanted to do was be with the girl who we were hanging out with earlier in the evening that I have been crushing on for the past couple of months. I was sitting next to her for a while and got those butterflies. Sigh.
For the past couple of weeks I have been down, not depressed, just down. I have attributed it to crappy weather, school stress and figuring out how to come out. I think I've been keeping my friends at arms length because I am afraid of how they would react to me telling them. So I'd rather push them away then have to deal with rejection. I should probably have a little more faith in them, but I am scared. Although sometimes I feel like they won't be overly suprised? I don't know. So my current plan is to find a gf and hopefully that will help because I will have someone to lean on if things don't go over so well.
I have been trying to gear up to tell my best friend. She knows I have been down lately and have been asking what was wrong. So I have just been telling her I'm working some things out, and that I'll tell her eventually. She's been supportive offering a shoulder to lean on. I just don't know if she has any idea what it is.
So basically I just don't know. Sorry for the long post but it feels really good to get this off my chest.
I know what you're going through
What you described is all too familiar. I was going through all of that stuff about a year ago, and finally, after doing some stupid/dangerous things, I was talking to my two best friends (drunkenly) and told them. They actually laughed and said, who cares? Since then I've told pretty much all of my best friends and not one person has responded negatively. Ya just gotta have faith and trust that they love you for who you are regardless. I always felt like it was so obvious but everyone says that they never would have guessed cus I "don't give off those vibes" but oh well. To be honest, my good friends who have just recently found out were just upset that I didn't tell them sooner, so I say give your friends a chance, they might surprise you! They actually encourage me to meet girls and get mad when I hook up with guys...haha too funny
So Familiar
I can't believe how much what you say is something I have went through. I have told all my close friends and none of them cared, but I am scared to tell my brother and my parents just because it is such a big thing. My friends were great about it though, so I was very happy.
thats really weird!
Omg, thats really scary, i could say the exact same thing, the same happened 2 me aswell, im sure evry1 can relate 2 it, but with the whole 'upset because you didnt tel them sooner' weird and it was a year ago 2 haha!! x
Friends...
Friends are God's Way of making up for family. When I came out about 5 years ago, I was so scared to tell my friends. They are all super-Christians and my friend's dad is preacher so I just knew that I'd be shunned. I told them on Christmas. It was kind of funny b/c they all came over to my mom's house; it was snowing like crazy out. We were all exchanging gifts in my bedroom. And I just said it.
And my friend said, "yeah, that sweater is pretty gay." And then I said, "No, guys...uh yes, this sweater is super gay but I'm gay."
And then they all started laughing, "Well then that sweater is definitely your style!" And then they totally started getting on me for not coming out to them sooner b/c apparently they're been long conversations about my gayness for years. I wish they would have told me!
www.myspace.com/blasianbeatnik02
Coming out is something I
Exactly
"but what can ya do?"
God I really wish I was straight!
XTARARX,
It is very sad to read this and to read you feel ashamed. I feel very happy being gay although sometimes the way is hard. I was 23 when I realised I had strong feelings for girls. I didn't tell anybody, not even my best friends. I met different people (girls) through internet and I began to feel free. Once I felt good with myself I told my friends first and my family after.
Although I am in a long term relationship, there are a lot of people in my life who don't know I'm gay. I'd probably get fired if my boss knew it, so I can't tell my workmates either. I live a normal life in which my sexual orientation is something I share with the people who loves me.
I don't think I would be happier being straight.
I'm of no help..
My problem...
You Can Say That Twice Sister!
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication
I'm in the same boat ...
I'm in the same boat ... gotta love the African parents. My mum has recently started lecturing about it being time for me to stop my tomboyish ways and settle down. I'm thinking to myself you spent several months with me last year and did you not notice that no guys came calling but I had one female friend who visited quite often. My mother refuses to have conversations about sexuality because I think she knows that the day she engages in one will be the day that I confirm her suspicions.
I have a cousin who was all but disowned when he came out. I did stand by him during the ensuing fiasco and that has not exactly endeared me to my family.
------------------------------------------
http://thequeerafrican.blogspot.com/
I'm queer and African ... deal with it
re: (even though I almost had a heart attack in the process)
Haha. I remember what that feels like.
When I came out to my mum, it was on a nice day and we went out for a neighbourhood stroll. We were walking along a perfectly paved sidewalk engaged in some random conversation. I kept trying to somehow work it into the conversation, but I couldn't find an opening, so finally decided to tell her. Except I had to work up the nerve first, so I fell quiet, pretending to listen to what she was saying, and my heart started to race in my chest. FINALLY after all of the hesitation, I blurted out that I was gay whilst staggering off the sidewalk after becoming momentarily light-headed.
My mother, being her hilariously immovable self, kept on walking and perfunctorily glanced at me from her peripheral vision, and said, "Did you trip?"
I was like, "Um, no..."
My mum: "Oh. Well, anyway...I guess I kind of knew."
Me: "You did?"
My mum: "Not really. Kinda."
Me: "What?"
My mum: "Meh."
And that was pretty much the end of that conversation. We talked about it a little bit more but she was perfectly accepting, and I suddenly began to feel like a dork for freaking out so much.
in need of advice...
Alright, here is the story. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 7 years now. We got together right after I graduated from high school. She is the first woman that I have ever been with . We are still in the closet, her out of fear of how her family will react. Me, just because I am very close to her family and it would be difficult for me to be out to them without “outing” her, which doesn’t seem like a good option at this point. If I had my way we would be open and honest with our relationship. It isn’t like people don’t know right?
Things are good, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else! But there is a little bit of a problem. She wants to get pregnant and have a baby, which I am super supportive of. The problem that I have with it is what type of a role I would be playing in the life of the child. I don’t want to be the “aunt” of the baby. I would like to have an active role as a parent. She said that I could, and still be considered the “aunt”(to everyone else), that happens to sleep in her room!?!?! (I don’t see that working out).
Would it be totally unfair for me to say that if I can’t be a parent figure that I won’t be involved at all? I don’t want to cause her not to have a baby, but I need to know what my role is going to be…. Help me, I need some input here
Re: in need of advice...
I kinda understand what your going through. i went through the same predicament when i met my fiance, before her, I never really committed so I didn't feel that it was important to "come out" officially to my parents. But then again i was the odd ball of the family and never really talked to my parents about personal things. My friends and everyone else knew I dated women since i was 14. But when I met my fiance I knew I had to tell them. It was hard because they loved my fiance so much like a daughter, we were both afraid they would feel betrayed. Mind you I'm asian and my parents are very traditional. But since my fiance and I are dreaming of a future and making a family together we both had to tell our parents. It was gruelling, i won't lie. It was really hard and there were times where I regretted telling because of all the chaos, my mom went as far as telling me that if my father knew he would die and it would be my fault... They both tried to make me choose, either them or my fiance, or that if we stay together I need to leave the city or pay for them to go back home so they wouldn't be ashamed to look at their friends in america....it didn't work of course but it did cause alot of heart ache.. Its been a year since I came out to my parents and now they bought a house for us to congratulate our engagement. But I think my mom is happy only because my sister has a big mouth and told her about all those "other" relationships I've had and she just wants me to settle down.
If your planning on having a baby, I think it would be wise to come out to her parents. you'll have to teach the child so much already, about having two moms and etc.. you'll only confuse the kid further. Besides it isn't fair to you, if the kid is BOTH of yours then you should have the name and parental right as she does. If we had a kid I'd want him/her to understand that I am their parent as well. Seriously, its been seven years!!! if her parents love you both in time they'll accept you both. It will be hard but work through it, don't give up.
Yeah,ummm....
Yeah,ummm....
kicked out of the closet by a kid !
i guess that a baby is a perfect reason to clear things up !!! if you 've been in the closet for years and now wanna start a new life as a family , how can you still be in the closet ? what will you say to this child?
"of course it's normal that your aunt sleeps with me honey, every aunts do this ":)
the first years will be easy , but when the child will grow and ask questions , or just repeat everything he/she heard at home , and tell everyone how you and your girlfriend lives ... the kid will kick you out of this closet! looool
a baby is a wonderful thing , a new life ! so build this new life on old basis isnt a good idea!
Comme disait Jeanne D'Arc : " tu verras de quel bois je me chauffe " ;)
I just signed up to reply to
It's Like I Have No One To Be Better For
Hobbes... I'm speechless... what you said... "It's like i have no one to be better for and can't simply do it for myself any more." I felt like crying because you so perfectly put into words my life at the moment.
I'm older (42) and so I have a certain amount of control over my life, ie I'm independant and financially secure... and I'm not out. I'd spent most of my life in denial, even though many had questioned my sexuality. It's like everyone knew except me.
So now, if I come out, I'll feel like a liar.
I tell myself now that I don't need to "come out" to others as it's no ones business, and since I'm single and don't see myself ever dating anyone (a whole other thread) then what's the point of anouncing it.
But hey, now that I've accepted that I'm gay I feel so much better about myself... except for being in limbo as life passes me by.
So complicated..
Ahh man.. I know what you're saying about, "If I come out, I'll feel like a liar."
I'm only 16 so I've only been in two sort of secret relationships with girls, but I haven't told too many people, and I'm finding it extremely hard to tell my mother.
Recently, a girl I used to be friends with (who did NOT know that I'm attracted to girls) decided to just kind of attack me socially, and I guess tried to ruin my reputation telling people I was a lesbian.. Which is not something I mind my peers suspecting of me, because I don't really care what kids at my school think.
But it bothered me more that she was using it as an insult!
When I told other people about the situation, I stated exactly that, but never said I WAS in fact into girls...
So now, if I were to tell them, it would probably give my ex-friend some kind of feeling of victory, and again, make my other friends think I was a liar.
Haha, I imagine I'll just be coming out in college or something...
I recommend waiting until college
I really urge you to not make waves until you are self-sufficient. Your main goal should be preparing to go to college, so that it can be a springboard to independence.
Then, come out! Good luck.
Also, what is important about that girl's attack is not so much what she said. What's important is that she attacked you. Instead of telling people what she said, tell them that she attacked you.
I feel the same way
I just got done with my
I just got done with my finals too! Hope yours went well!!
Yeah, the time that wasn't spent studying was spent thinking things over. I'm not one to be overly forward about my feelings, which is probably why this has had such a huge impact. Like I posted before, I backed away from hanging out with the good friends I made this year because I'm afraid of rejection. So it has taken over alot of my time I guess, which I think is understandable considering the fact I feel it's one of those big life revelations. I had been questioning from about the end of last school year until the end of last semester and now I have pretty much accepted it and I am ready to move forward. I just don't know what the next step is so I guess I'll just try to see how things pan out.
Does anyone else feel tentitive even about going out and hanging out with other lesbians? Two friends I have (who don't talk to any of my good friends etc) know that I'm gay. So they have offered to take me out to our gay club at home this summer which I am looking forward to. But I'm still nervous I guess. I feel like I am entering a totally different world and don't possess the knowledge of the proper etiquitte or something haha.
p.s. that girl I have been crushing on for a while came over again tonight. She was talking about the guy she likes (as far as I know she's straight) but still, sometimes I think maybe, just maybe... oh well. It was kinda funny though cause our neighbor stopped over as they were leaving (her and her 2 friends) and was like "who is the blonde chick, shes HOT" and I was so temped to be like,"I know!" But I think I'll keep that one to myself for now.
Something kinda funny...
Does anyone else feel tentitive even about going out and hanging out with other lesbians? Two friends I have (who don't talk to any of my good friends etc) know that I'm gay. So they have offered to take me out to our gay club at home this summer which I am looking forward to. But I'm still nervous I guess. I feel like I am entering a totally different world and don't possess the knowledge of the proper etiquitte or something haha.
I went to my first gay bar this weekend (My mother would be SO proud!) and I was like so paranoid that the door would open and someone I knew would come walking in. Then, I thought about it, and was like ok, if someone you know comes in here...they're probably gay, too, so....yeah.
The use of a preposition at the end of a sentence is something up with which I will not put.
i used to like this show.... until they started bombarding us wi
okay ladies, i'm not new here, just haven't been around for a while. i'm sorry! anyway, i wanted to share with you a short excerpt of a convo (well, not really a conversation, since it involves one person talking to herself). this took place tonight durin gray's anatomy, when joe and his boyfriend are contemplating having a child....
anonymous: you know, this figures, this REALLY figures! i USED to like this show, until they started bombarding us with this sh#t! same with brothers and sisters.... it's like they want us to think it's all around us, like this is life, or something. it's not.
me: silence, silence, silence....
obviously this is a person whom i haven't come out to yet. and, a person i could not challenge (my friend's mom of whom i live with). i feel a couple of things right now: a) like a coward. duh. it IS life, and it's living right under your nose... but i suck and you don't know it yet. also, b) so angry because every time i hear something like this i can't help but feel like some sort of a freak, even though i'm confident with who i am and i've actually made strides with coming out lately.
i'm very sorry for the length of this post. however, i was wondering if anyone here ever lets another person make them question themselves or feel like some sort of freakshow....? am i alone in this or is everyone pretty much super confident? oye vey, thank you for ANY input ; )
gali wrote: well, I
well, I sometimes feel like a freakshow and proud of it.Being a freakshow I mean! Perhaps you could try to take that attitude?
And as for questioning myself... Personally find people who don't ever do that to be pretty unbearable company!
So, you are not alone!
blueflamesoulist wrote: I
I remember I was friends with this girl in high school and one day she said something along the lines of "Don't hit on me cuz I'm not gay, that is so nasty, you're going to hell, etc". I in turn said "Well, good thing you're below my standards so neither of us have a problem." she got so mad that we ended up arguing about how She's above my standards and how I should be in such dispair at the fact that I couldn't have her in all her straight holiness.
Eventually we dated for like 2 weeks and she's been "Bi-curious" ever since. It took me awhile and alot of self-questioning but ultimately my motto became "If you treat me like I have a sickness then I'm going to try to infect you." Half the time people who say silly things about gay life are the ones who want to be in that life but are too scared to join in and fear begets anger.
funny
"If you treat me like I have a sickness then I'm going to try to infect you."
I had to laugh hard at that one. Great motto.
maybe don't watch tv with her
Hobbes wrote:I just signed
I'm like this. I've only ever come out to a small handful of people in the past (and two of those are just people I email - I consider them friends but it's not like we meet up or anything).
I've pretty much repressed my sexuality since I realised I was gay at about 14 or so (embarrassingly, I'm 35 now). My family are fairly homophobic, so I don't see myself ever telling them, and this makes me sad.
Still, for all that, I was pretty much coping until I came out to a friend last year. It was great at first, and for the first time in years I felt truly liberated and hopeful for the future, and was convinced that telling him (and he was great about it) would be like some sort of catalyst for me to finally look to the future, blah blah. All this happened about ten months ago, and if I'm honest things have got much worse since then, and I'm more repressed and unhappy that I ever was before. So much so, that even though telling him appeared to help at the time, I now wish that I hadn't done so, because in telling him, it made me temporarily face up to things, and I now realise, more than ever, how unhappy I am.
So yeah, this has certainly impacted on my life, and my work is definitely suffering now, even though I keep trying to 'pull myself together'.
Anyway, I don't wish this on anyone else, still it's strangely comforting to know that I'm not alone with all this stuff.
It's Worth It
To come out, that is. There are several times when it is not worth it, of course. When you know your family will disown you, make your life a living hell, or worse, try to harm you. Then, as hard as it is, you're going to have to wait until you are standing on your own two feet before you can start telling your friends about you.
But, if you're lucky and you've got either a) a supportive family or b) no family to worry about, then what's stopping you?
And without meaning to offend anyone, I cannot understand why anyone would want to remain closeted, even to themselves. Why lie? I mean, ultimately you're going to harm yourself. You'll go through the whole depression thing, the denial, the anger. Why not just skip to acceptance and be at peace with yourself?
Of course I'm only curious, there's no need to pay any attention to what I'm saying!
I'm not out...
I could try to be all mature and say it's for other reasons but the simple truth is that I am not at peace with it myself. I KNOW I am attracted to women and I KNOW I would rather not be.... simply because it's easier, but there is that little part of me that still questions whether I am attracted to women because I am open to the idea. Kinda like in the way that I would be open to experimenting with drugs because I like the idea of feeling high or something. For the record, I haven't experimented with drugs... nor do I like the idea of being high. Maybe that's not a good example. I also haven't experimented with a woman, I just know I'd like it if I did. I don't ask anyone to keep this secret for me. Until I am ready I just don't date women. I would, however, like to met some friends. It really is tough because women who are out, who have already fought the good fight tend to come down on us closet cases pretty hard. I can understand why, if I were out I don't know if I'd want to get too involved with someone who isn't but I also wish for a little understanding. We all have different situations and there is no way of knowing how the truth will affect someone else's life. My family would FREAK OUT if they knew and at this point, I simply can't handle that. Call me a coward if you must but nothing anyone says about me could even compare to the things I say about myself! I wish I were different.... stronger, didn't care about what others think of me but alas I am not.
LOVE IS BLIND
awww...
A Lot of Hurt...
You are right in the sense that life is a struggle; gay or straight, out or closeted. But I find that life tends to be what you make of it. In other words, PERSPECTIVE. I don't think anyone's life is easy, it is just a matter of how we deal with our situation. The one thing I have learned though, is that lying to yourself, lying to others, and pretending to be something you're not is a surefire way to end up depressed, angry, hurt, and unfulfilled.
To those who are afraid of how others will react (friends or family): If they truely loved you, then would they reject you? If they do reject you, then did they ever really love you? Or was their love conditional? Personally, I would rather know if the love of my friends and family was true or conditional.
To those who are afraid to come out because of religion: Religion of any variety should primarily be about love and compassion. If the religion teaches that intolerance and hatred come before love and compassion, then maybe you should take another look at that religion. Note: I am not speaking about faith. Those are two different things.
To the rest who are struggling to come out: It is never easy and you can't guarantee how those you love or those you work for/with are going to react. The first thing you need to do though, is to learn to accept and respect yourself, because others won't accept and respect you until you learn to accept and respect yourself first!
I'm sorry for the rant, but I hate to see so many people who are hurt, angry and scared. I have been in many (not all) of your shoes. I've been kicked out of a career I loved b/c I am gay; I've had to come out to religious family members; I've been in small towns with no support groups; I've delt with bigots and hate crimes; and I've delt with rejection by the lesbian community before. The point is, I am happier for accepting who I am and dealing with the list above, than I ever was when I was closeted and not accepting of myself.
Out Burger
Hahaha
Out Burger! :) How awesome is this story! Gives me hope! Where am I? Standing on the corner of Scared and Terrified. :) Where am I? Just NOW realizing that I seriously may be into chicks! I am amazed by people who knew at 10 or 15 or even 5!! I seriously had no idea why I REALLY liked a couple of my girl friends. I still didn't put two and two together.... up until like 3 years ago! I mean, I always knew that I wasn't turned off by the idea but I always thought that I liked guys enough so that I would never consider actually hooking up with a woman! Why would I need to? Ha. WRONG!!
Do I accept myself as who I am? The short answer is NO, so that's what I am going to work on for now, accepting myself.... my confused, terrified, woman-loving self. :)
Out Burger Hope