"Work Out" Recaps: Episode 205

Where is everybody? — Brian is working out alone, but he's thinking about Doug, who's still in the hospital. Brian says there are a million and five words in the English language, but none of them describe how he felt when he heard the news of Doug's illness. There aren't really a million and five words in the English language (there are varying opinions as to how many English words there are, but linguists and etymologists agree that "Jabecca" is definitely not a word), but I believe Brian when he says Doug is like a brother who opened his eyes to many things — things like not all gay people are dysfunctional or unhappy; it's OK to be a sensitive man; and opening beer bottles with one's teeth does not impress girls.

Brian says he's glad to hear Doug is doing better and is going to get out of the hospital soon. Why did they have to put that in there?

Jackie feels everyone's distracted by Doug's absence, and that worries her. The Skylabbers are slacking off, too. It's been 18 days since Brian had a session with Floyd, the homeless man. Jackie says ominously the clients' futures and, yes, their very lives are at stake. Dear God, don't just sit there. Sound the alarm to rally the troops! In this case that would be ice cream truck music.

Jackie's assistant (Jackie has an assistant?), Aleeza, is ordered to get all the clients' phone numbers together so Jackie can call them and personally harass them. Her first victim is Kiki, the student who decided last week that waffles are the breakfast of champions.

Jackie: How many times in the last two weeks have you trained with Andre?
Kiki: I would say once. He went out of town.

Andre was out of town attending a Resentful Straight Man Convention where he was enrolled in a seminar on how to effectively glare at lesbians and their straight girlfriends.

Jackie calls Tess, who confesses she took a little vacation, too. Jackie sighs in frustration. Amy, one half of the Chubby Lesbians, reports she has two good excuses: She was away and Jesse was "gone." Jackie rolls her eyes. How is Skylab going to be the biggest thing since vitamin water if no one is going to take this seriously, damn it?

Jackie's really fuming. It's kind of funny. She doesn't like it when people don't share her awesome vision of a future where everyone's downing protein sludge and doing squats until they lose control of their bowels.

What's your mantra? — Thoroughly disgusted, Jackie leaves the office to cool off. Her therapist, Dr. Shirley, recommended she find a way to center herself, so Jackie wanders off in search of a yoga center. Jackie says she's not yoga-girl, but she's willing to try again.

She swaggers down Sunset Boulevard and turns to enter a large wooden door. She's immediately transported into a different world. Outside, it's a busy L.A. street, but inside, it's a lush paradise, resplendent with copious, deep-green flora, river stones and tranquil ponds.

Jackie follows the gravel path to a wooded gazebo where she's greeted by a yoga instructor named Dhyana, who I'm pretty sure used to be plain old "Diana" before she moved to L.A.

Dhyana has Jackie inhaling and exhaling and all that good yoga stuff. Too bad ADD Jackie's eyes are darting all over the place. Since she's in good shape, Jackie has no problem with the various yoga positions: downward-facing dog, the seated twist, the half-cobra, the baboon ass rock. OK, so I don't know yoga.

Jackie can't quiet her anxious mind. Maybe it's because her business means everything to her, and if it's not going well, the power of her ego compels her to fix it. Or it could be that the yoga center is a veritable jungle nightmare. There's creepy statuary everywhere — one looks like a dead body in the pond, another is a fountain that looks like it's peeing. Jackie's freaked out by the cacophony of live birds and the "wildlife," which consists of some fish and one menacing turtle.

She gives up and gets the hell out of there. Jackie is a woman of action, baby. She can't be going to her happy place among the tree frogs when there are butts to kick and money to be made.

All hands on deck — The next day, Jackie gathers all her wayward Skylab clients out on the gym's deck for an ass-chewing and a big group work out. Kiki isn't giving her all and pays for it with even more weight-lifting. Ass-chest girl, Laurie, is giggling on the outside but crying on the inside.

Jackie: She wants to be the cheery girl, the girl that you like to be around. I don't know what is going on with her, but ya know, she doesn't want to talk to anybody about it. I think she's depressed. I see so much pain behind those eyes, and that is a definite defense mechanism.

This is Jackie's show now, boy. She's working them to their breaking points to prove what? She's a better trainer than her slacker staff? That Skylab isn't a failure? She's saving lives here, people. Stand back.

After their grueling work out, Jackie ends the day on a hellish note: She going to subject everyone to a weigh-in. She first allows them to stretch and "enjoy this peaceful moment," because mere moments ago, she proved how easy it is.

This scale is broken — All but three clients have gained weight after being Skylabbers for two weeks. And the three who lost weight didn't lose more than a meager two pounds. Jackie's sure they're lying in their food diaries about what they're eating. Maybe they're just not sure how to spell "gnocchi?"

Tess gained a whopping 15 pounds. She's looking at the scale. Her eyes are bugging out of her head in disbelief. She's horrified and starts to cry.

Tess: I'm really on it, Jackie. I mean, you've looked at my food diary. I'm not like, ya know, scarfing cake every day or something.
Jackie: Look me in the eyes …

I'm so sure she's about to say "and tell me you're not lying to my face." But she doesn't.

Jackie: … that number will change. Trust me.

God, I'm so cynical.

Jackie can see how upset Tess is and instead of berating her, she gives her some words of encouragement. Turns out Jackie's not mad at Tess so much as she's going to go stick her foot up Gregg's ass for being a such a craptastic trainer.

Gregg shows up for work just as the drama is going down. He's speechless when Tess cries to him this can't be happening, but regains his composure and blames Jackie for doing a weigh-in. Mmm, yeah. Let's also blame the scale. And gravity.

Your daily ass-chewing — Jackie holds a staff meeting to discuss the Skylab disaster. Gregg's position is that it's unrealistic to expect "these people" to go from lasagna to seaweed just like that. Now this is a good trainer. I want a guy who thinks it can't be done. I want a trainer who will let me eat pizza! Actually, I don't want a trainer, even if he will let me eat pizza. What am I saying?

Jackie wants no more excuses. No vacations, no sickness, no more fun and games.