Next week, Neighbours is finally going to air a much-hyped kiss between female friends Donna and Sunny Lee. Producers have been promising a "lesbian pash" for months, but I’m reluctant to call it either of those things since there’s nothing really "lesbian" or "pash" about it.
Aussie slang alert: Pash (noun) — a long, enthusiastic kiss.
Regular word alert: Lesbian (noun) — a girl who enjoys kissing other girls.
It starts like these things always do: Donna’s troglodyte ex-boyfriend, Ringo, wants to write her some poetry, but instead of trying to pass off E.E. Cummings‘ "i carry your heart" as something he penned himself — the way any normal teenager would do — Ringo asks Korean exchange student Sunny Lee to pen a few lines for his beloved. Sunny Lee is happy to oblige.
Donna loves the poetry, so Ringo asks Sunny to write more. It all goes according to plan until Donna asks Ringo to whisper those sweet poetic nothings in her ear from his heart. He can’t, of course. The poetic nothings are not in his heart; they are on notebook paper, tucked away in Sunny Lee’s Trapper Keeper.
Finally Sunny confesses that she’s been writing the poems, even though she’s totally into a dude named Zeke: "Donna, you need to understand that Ringo really loves you and I could say it."
Yes, Donna: understand that, and then help me understand that because, seriously, what?
Sunny then breaks out into effusive prose for Donna, who likes it so much that she leans in and gives Sunny a chaste little peck. Sunny freaks out, not because Donna is a girl, but because Donna has stolen Sunny’s first kiss!
Here, see for yourself:
Poor Sunny Lee! Everything she knows about kissing she learned form Disney’s Enchanted:
Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom known as Andalasia, there lived an evil queen. Selfish and cruel … she did all in her power to prevent the prince from ever meeting the one special maiden with whom he would share true love’s kiss.
Can you imagine waiting your whole life for true love’s kiss and then having the moment ripped away by a woman? Yeah, me either. I mean, I know my true love’s kiss lies with Yvonne Strahovski, but I can’t sit around kissing no one until she and I get together, can I? Obviously not.
I hope Sunny recovers.
How many of you Aussies and Brits will be tuning into Neighbours to revel in the lesbian pash?