Movie awards season is nice, isn’t it? Pretty people dressed in pretty things, smiling prettily and talking prettily and giving one another pretty trophies and pats on the pretty back because movies really do shape our collective consciousness more than just about anything else, don’t they? We love movies. Except for when we don’t. Except for when we spend six hours watching Sex and the City 2, and the only thing we want to do afterward is drive to Sarah Jessica Parker‘s house and demand our 17 dollars (10 for the ticket, seven for the popcorn and soda) back.
And that’s why we have The Razzies.
The Golden Raspberry Foundation held its 31st annual awards ceremony on Saturday night, honoring “the best of the worst.” And boy, did Sex and the City 2 ever dominate the evening. The fearsome foursome — Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon — shared the Worst Actress crown. They also won Worst Screen Couple/Ensemble, and Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel.
You can check out a full list of winners (losers) at ComingSoon.net. M. Night Shymalan‘s The Last Airbender actually raked in the most Razzies, including Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Director and Worst Use of 3D. But what we’re mostly interested in is Cynthia Nixon. She’s out and proud. She and her finace have themselves a beautiful new baby. But she’s also got a Razzie in her pocket and a mega dud on her record, critic-wise at least.
I’m sorry, Cynthia, but I’ve got to turn this car around. I love you, I do. But here’s some career advice I think you should probably take.
1) Accept your Razzie with pride. Everyone loves a self-deprecating star. You have a new baby, so you couldn’t make it to the ceremony, of course. But you should probably at least make a home video, thanking the Golden Raspberry Foundation.
2) Let go of Miranda Hobbes. We loved the over-achieving, hyper-rational, perfectly-caustic lawyer as much as anyone, but the once vivid characters of SATC were nothing more than echos of their TV-selves in the big screen sequel. Plus, we’re kind of over Darren Star‘s brand of sexism.
3) Hitch your wagon to the Showtime star. Or the TNT star. Or the USA star. You were great in The Big C with Laura Linney. Powerful women-centric shows are all the rage on cable right now. You don’t need an ensemble. You don’t need to be the best friend. You can carry your own show.
4) Don’t shy away from the mini-series or the stage. Everyone loved you in Warm Springs. Everyone loved you in Rabbit Hole. If the West End comes knocking, answer! (And feel free to shove Michael Patrick King out while you’ve got that door open.)
5) Go for the EGOT. We’ve got big dreams for you. You’re one of only 14 people to get the EGT; all you need is an Oscar! We know, we know: all you need is an Oscar — but we believe in you. You’re so much better than Sex and the City, and if you need to get a diamond EGT necklace — a la Tracy Jordan — to remind yourself, go ahead and do it!
6) Please get our 17 dollars back from Sarah Jessica Parker. Seriously.
What do you think about the 2011 Razzies? Was SATC2 really the worst, or did some other film deserve that honor?