In Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, the eponymous hero has to defeat the seven evil exes of Ramona to win her heart. In the course of his courtship he learns the strengths and weaknesses of each ex. But evil ex-boyfriends (and an ex-girlfriend) are one thing. Having to do battle with an army of evil lesbian and bisexual ex-girlfriends is entirely another. Here are seven of the evilest ex-girlfriends in lesbian and bisexual film, television and literature history. Each would grind poor Scotty to a fine paste. Former Lover: Alice Pieszecki Superpower Strength: Ability to make Alice melt into a puddle on contact; discounts on vagina rejuvenation. Evil Deeds: Emotional cripple, slash, narcissistic personality disorder; makes terrible animal noises while sleeping with Papi. To Defeat: Step off, bitch! Former Lover: Dana Fairbanks Superpower Strength: Ability to fend off hoards of Dana’s lesbian fans at Dinah; can materialize magically between your legs in dreams. Evil Deeds: Possibly killed Mr. Piddles; makes you want to leave the room screaming on sight. To Defeat: Kiss Alice.
Former Lover: Nan Astley Superpower Strength: Ability to look fantastic in a tux; throws roses like a pro. Evil Deeds: Sleeps with her manager, breaks Nan’s heart, wants her back after she is already married; general mindf—ery. To Defeat: Find a nice girl and give her a rose instead. Former Lover: Paulie Superpower Strength: Ability to spend the entire day in bed – naked. Evil Deeds: Breaking up so her parents won’t know she is gay, having sex with a boy against a tree, driving Paulie to suicide and/or become a falcon. To Defeat: Show her your backbone, because she doesn’t have one. Former Lover: Katchoo Superpower Strength: Ability to seduce, charm and have billions of dollars. Evil Deeds: Basically Satan in a skirt. To Defeat: Use, ironically, her bodyguard.
Former Lover: Roxy (deceased), Johnny Boz (deceased) Superpower Strength: Ability to cross and uncross legs; she is Sharon Stone. Evil Deeds: Possible homicidal maniac. To Defeat: Hide all the ice picks in the house. Former Lover: Rebecca, the first Mrs. de Winter (not really a lover, but come on) Superpower Strength: Ability to torment the second Mrs. de Winter about not being as good as the first Mrs. de Winter Evil Deeds: Obsession, arson, attempted murder, incredible creepiness. To Defeat: Burn, baby, burn.
So there you have it, a truly appalling collection of ex-girlfriends who would make anyone glad to be single. There are, of course, countless more. Tell us who else should make the list, and would pulverize poor Mr. Pilgrim.
