Dear Romantic Comedies,
I am writing to let you know it’s over; I’m breaking up with you. While I regret the impersonal nature of this missive, I feel it is imperative to let you know as soon as possible to not create any ambiguity or false hope. We are through.
And it’s not me, it’s totally you. You see, the thing is you suck.
After viewing your latest trailers for Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, The Proposal, Management and The Ugly Truth, I can take it no longer. What started as a mild irritation with you has grown into a full-blown disgust. You’ve become awful, seriously, eye-gaugingly bad.
Of course, it didn’t always use to be this way — we used to have so much fun together. There was heat, humor and heart. And let’s not forget the pulse-quickening, spine-tingling romance. At your best you made me swoon, you really did.
But now — now you’re all rote and formulaic. You never surprise me with the unexpected anymore. It’s all meet cute then face an improbable obstacle only to ride off into the sunset, the end. Plus, you’ve somehow gotten it in your head recently that making the woman rational and up-tight and the man simple and child-like is incredibly clever. Trust me, it is not. Case in point.
And for the love of God, stop trying to set me up with Matthew McConaughey. If my last dozen-plus rejections of him weren’t enough, let me make it abundantly clear: I am just not that into him. Seriously, the last time he didn’t make me want to want to beat myself senseless with my bare hands just to make the smarminess stop was in Dazed and Confused. (I only tolerated Contact for the Jodie factor, but every time they kissed I think even the screen cringed.) So, clearly, there is no way Sydney Bristow would ever fall for him.
The thing is, I deserve better. We all deserve better. This repetitive drivel is just brain tapioca – colorless, flavorless, starchy nothing. It’s as easy to digest as it is to forget. How to Lose a New in Town Knocked Up Fool? Yeah, I’ve seen this movie already and hated it the first time.
I won’t spend a penny more on you. You’re simply not worth my time. You’re definitely not worth the talent, particularly the female talent, that you’ve somehow hoodwinked into appearing in your projects. Jennifer Garner, Katherine Heigl, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock: Ladies, don’t settle — it’s beneath you.
Look, maybe if you try to change and start actually being original and interesting, we could try again. But that’s a big maybe. In fact, at this point, I don’t even really think we can be friends.
So don’t call me. And, if you’re lucky, perhaps someday I’ll call you. Just don’t hold your breath.