“Fast and Furious” offers gratuitous girl-on-girl kissing

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The fourth Fast and Furious film is currently playing in theaters, and at least one person has concluded that, as a result, America has its culture back:

This movie has brought back what American Culture is all about. Muscle Cars. No more little 4 cylinder sticker box cars that are from Japan or Europe with their coffee can exhausts.

That’s right. American culture can be boiled down to just one thing: muscle cars. Nothing else matters, you hear me? Nothing. Well, maybe monster trucks and possibly Waffle House. But remember: If your carmaker wasn’t bailed out by the federal government with taxpayer money for making fuel inefficient dinosaurs that break down after three years and generally being free market flunkies being awesome, you’re probably French, loser.

This is an action packed movie that will send fans into a thrill of excitement. Look at Death Race! It got a 2/5 by after critics such as you and viewers loved it on a 5/5 scale. Its all about the action with these racing movies, not the story.

Kids, this movie will send you into a “thrill of excitement.” Stuff blows up, (muscle) cars — not “four cylinder sticker box cars” with “coffee can exhausts” mind you — go really really ridiculously fast, and girls make out with each other for no reason at all:

There is a lot of girl-on-girl kissing in this film; it seems to be director Justin Lin‘s PG-13-safe visual shorthand for the hedonism of the morally specious world in which the heroes immerse themselves in the name of a greater good. The correlation between girls kissing and intolerable uncoolness is made so blatant that one obvious dickwad is even punished while hosting a sapphic scene in his living room. His crime? Being an obvious dickwad in a shaky position of superiority.

Apparently, even the faux-lesbian tongue wrestling isn’t enough to distract the boys from their precious (muscle) cars. What has this world come to?

You feel bad for all the slutty girls in Fast & Furious. One sequence around a street race in L.A.?s Koreatown teems with so many trashy chicks that it’s more like Skankytown. Some even spend time playing faux-lesbian tongue hockey in a postrace nightclub. No dice, trampy ladies. The only hot-rod action these men crave is with their cars.

Of course, all this talk of girls kissing in Fast and Furious naturally brings up the following question: Does this include Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster making out? No? Then, all that girl-on-girl kissing must be utterly pointless. But some of you might want to see one of the scenes anyway. Watch the trailer. Don’t blink at 0:28.

Apparently, there is more where that came from.

From now on I propose that for every gratuitous girl on girl kissing scene that has no relation to the plot in any given movie, there should be a gratuitous display of boy on boy kissing. When Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker) are discussing their checkered past, why don’t two hot blond guys jump out from under the table and go at it?

Equal opportunity same-sex tongue wresting story line non-sequiturs. It’s only fair.

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