Twit “Carol”
The premise of this piece is strongly inspired by Mallory Ortberg‘s obscenely brilliant Dirtbag Series on The Toast, which has revolutionized Greek Mythology and Winston Churchhill’s jammies.
This series re-imagines queer female protagonists as texting twits, ignoring grammar and manners with equal snot. There are lesbian movies, and there are lesbian movies as told by me. This is the story of Carol.
Carol: there are no accidents
Therese: this feels very intentional
Carol: and no explanation I offer will satisfy you
Therese: u could try like even a tiny bit to explain tho
Carol: u seek resolutions because you’re young
Therese: no i seek resolutions because u lured me on a road trip, nailed me, then peaced out after a salesman recorded us there’s some shit that needs resolving right there
Carol: but you will understand this one day
Therese: i’d like to understand now thx
Carol: if he can’t have me I can’t see my daughter
Therese: I could be ur daughter
Carol: wut
Therese: I’m young enough
Carol: it’s not the
Therese: call me bbgirl
Carol: stares
Therese: stares
Carole: blinks
Therese: blinks
Carol: smokes
Therese: i like ur musk
Carol: i like your name
Therese: *doesn’t blink for a while, eerily*
Carol: *twitches upper left corner of mouth*
Therese: i’ve never felt this kind of connection
Carol: *noncommittal murmur*
Therese: im in love
Carol: *nodsish*
Therese: u know just what to say
Therese: u left something at the store i work in
Carol: let’s go to salad lunch
Therese: yes
Carol: nip up to my country house this weekend and play the piano
Therese: makes sense
Carol: i love that you’re your own person
Therese: what are you doing?
Carol: driving away from my problems
Therese: oh u wanna talk about it
Carol: no wanna come
Therese: why
Carol: no reason
Therese: yeah cool um lemme dismantle my life real quick brb
Carol: chop chop
Therese: leggo
Carol: aight
Therese: u wanna do or see anything
Carol: just the open road and the peeling ceiling of a cheap hotel room
Therese: awesome
Carol: bring your ugliest hat to help me suppress my lesbian urges
Therese: i know just the one
Carol: that feels good
Therese: does it
Carol: yes
Therese: i just can’t tell by your expression
Carol: what expression
Therese: exactly
Carol: this is awkward
Therese: wut
Carol: cuz I just popped your lady cherry
Therese: huh
Carol: but I’m done here and like with you in general
Therese: WHAT
Carol: don’t ask me why
Therese: WTF
Carol: It’s my daughter
Therese: I thought they were taking her away from you
Carol: they are
Therese: that’s kinda the whole point of this trip
Carol: there is no point
Therese: what
Carol: none whatsoever
Therese: then why
Carol: because the taping of your queer sexual awakening by my husband’s lawyers convinced me to get back with him
Therese: but i caught feelings
Carol: sux for u
Therese: please
Carol: was ur momma a virginia slim b/c im about to put u out
Therese: stands
Carol: sits
Therese: *neutral stare*
Carol: *shadow of a smile*
ROLL CREDITS
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