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The AfterEllen.com Huddle: Remaking RomComs

Everyone loves a good romantic comedy (sometimes, even the bad ones). But what we rarely get enough of is truly good lesbian-themed romcoms. There are exceptions, of course (see: Imagine Me and You, But I’m a Cheerleader and the newly released Portrait of a Serial Monogamist), but as cinephiles, we deserve more.

In that spirit, this week’s huddle is dedicated to the romcom that we want to see go gay. Writers, what romantic comedy would you love to see remade to be about two women?

Lucy Hallowell: Easy. Notting Hill. Superstar actress meets nerdy, bespectacled bookshop owner love and hijinks ensue. Honestly, I would change very little from the original except to make the main characters two women. Same hilarious dinner party with bookshop owner’s friends (two of whom are now married because obviously that’s how lesbians roll), awkward “I’m from Horse and Hound” interview, hilarious attempts to break into a private garden, and dramatic final scene. Really, you could do it shot-for-shot with British women in the lead roles, and I would give you my money right now.

Miranda Meyer: Love Actually. SO MANY LESBIANS! ALL OF LONDON IS JUST FULL OF LESBIANS!!

More seriously, High Fidelity. I don’t think you’d have to change a damn thing except switch out John Cusack. But definitely, the record store employees should be lesbians too. I am just really loving the idea of Bruce Springsteen Visits Lesbian Record Store Owner, Sends Her on Vision Quest Through Address Book.

Anna Pulley: Fried Green Tomatoes.

Dana Piccoli: The Proposal. I cannot resist that romcom. I don’t think I’d really change much because it’s the PERFECT ROMCOM. I’d even keep Sandra Bullock in there. Maybe switch out Ryan Reynolds for Gina Rodriguez, Rashida Jones or Emma Stone. Sorry Ryan, you are still my favorite straight dude actor.

Valerie Anne: Legally Blonde but everyone’s a woman. Even the chihuahua. (Carrie-Anne Moss already perfected skeezy lawyer, so she can be Professor Callahan.)

Elaine Atwell: Practical Magic is begging for a lesbian remake. “Oh no, our family is cursed, and we can’t fall in love with men!” “LOL, I can think of a way around that.” And please keep Stockard Channing and Dianne Wiest as the aunts.

Kimberly Hoffman: Reality Bites. After lunch with Janeane Garofalo, Winona Ryder is like, “You know what? I do wish I were a lesbian.” She meets a woman (insert ’90s actress of choice), Ethan Hawke wanders aimlessly with his coffee and instead of singing the Violent Femmes to Winona, she gets serenaded by her new lady to “Stay” by Lisa Loeb, Ben Stiller literally never gets his chance with Winona, at all, because she’s a lesbian now, OK? Yes, there’s a big breakup scene between Winona and her girl, but then Janeane proposes a road trip-Thelma & Louise style, they get into loads of trouble, and they ride off into the sunset doing their best “My Sharona.” The end.

Chloe: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes aka what I imagined adulthood would be like in middle school. This highly inaccurate but a delightful romp that taught generations of young girls that diamonds are biffles and a man being rich is like a girl being pretty: it’s not the only thing that matters, but it sure doesn’t hurt! This film also inspired my long-running crush on Jane Russell, who remains my ideal woman. Casting suggestions: ScarJo as Lorelai Lee, Lucy Liu as Dorothy Shaw, Rosie O’Donnell as Sir Francis “Piggy” Beekman, Kristen Stewart as Ernie Malone, Ellen Page as Gus Esmond.

If you haven’t seen Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, I’m sorry you aren’t cultured like me. It has the BEST MUSICAL SEQUENCES EVER EVER EVER EVER. Like ever.

As you can tell this film is very important to me.

Emily McGaughy: Pretty Woman is one of my favorite movies; I’m Julia Roberts obsessed. I think a feminist, lesbian version of Pretty Woman would be fantastic. Make the sex worker narrative more realistic and take out the rescuer/damsel in distress aspect, but keep a bit of the cheesy Gary Marshall vibe.

Daniela Costa: There’s Something About Mary: She’s Gay! I don’t have all the specifics down (like the new consistency of that infamous “hair gel”), but that shouldn’t stop us from pitching!

Ali Davis: I’ve always loved Cyrano and Steve Martin‘s Roxanne, and I would love, love, love to see that remade as and all-girl movie. I know so many amazing women who basically are Cyrano: amazing, but convinced no one should ever be attracted to them, and I’d love for them to have a hilarious touchstone.

Grace Chu: You’ve Got a DM (You’ve Got Mail). Kathleen, the proprietor of a small mom and pop feminist bookstore in Brooklyn, is involved with a queer radical blogger named Francesca who works as a barista at an independently-owned lesbian-friendly coffee shop. One day, she receives a DM on Twitter from Jo, whom she had met at a meetup for literary-minded lesbians, asking if she is interested in joining a book club. They strike up a friendship, which occasionally becomes flirtatious.

Meanwhile, Kathleen and Francesca’s neighborhood is rapidly gentrifying around them. First, artisanal mustard shops, then a farm to table cafe whose rooftop hosts sunset yoga classes, then the final nail in the coffin – a Starbucks. Then Kathleen’s lease is up, and her landlord wants to raise her rent three times.

She tells both Francesca and Jo her woes. Jo tells her not to worry; she’ll help in any way possible. What Jo hasn’t told her is that her family owns the real estate development firm that owns the majority of the buildings in the neighborhood.

As Jo contemplates how to break the news to Kathleen, Francesca organizes a protest outside of the office of the development firm. The group manages to storm the front doors and take over the lobby, where they stage a sit in. Kathleen looks behind the front desk and sees a large portrait. It is Jo’s family, and Jo is in it! Oh noes! Busted!

Kathleen turns around and sees Jo standing in the doorway, looking sad and forlorn.

“I… I… I’m sorry…” says Jo.

“Capitalist pig!” shrieks Francesca, who tosses her brand new iPhone 6 at Jo.

The group surges towards Jo, and Jo flees.

Kathleen and Francesca immediately defriend Jo on Facebook and write cryptic messages about “knowing who your true friends are the hard way” but that they are “blessed.” Privately, on DM to anyone who will listen, they implicate Jo as a glaring symbol of society’s problems.

Having been priced out of their neighborhood, Kathleen and Francesca pack up and move to Ridgewood, Queens. Kathleen goes to acupuncture school, and Francesca continues blogging about race and class struggles from a genderqueer perspective and working as a barista. Then one day Francesca receives an inheritance from her grandmother, so she stops working as a barista and throws herself into blogging full time. She racks up 30,000 Twitter followers.

Jo has been shunned from the radical queer community in Brooklyn due to Kathleen and Francesca’s relentless negative social media campaign and moves to the West Village. (Did you really think in a lesbian film Kathleen would end up with Jo?)

Lindsay King-Miller: I want gay Jane Austen remakes. Emma convinced Harriet to dump Robert Smith because she was in love with Harriet! etc.

Erin Faith Wilson: A lesbian version of Meet the Fockers would be hilarious.

Bridget McManus: Moonstruck. The beautiful Italian family comedy would have two sisters fighting for Cher‘s affection. Yes, I still want Cher to play the lead and might want to add in a sister wrestling scene just for fun.

Chelsea Steiner: For a lot of us, Julia Stiles‘ portrayal of Kat Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You pinged our gaydar: punk rock sensibilities, love of feminist literature, desire to go to Sarah Lawrence? Why not do a new version where Patrick Verona is replaced with Patricia Verona, a punky loner who falls in love with Kat? Could you imagine Rita Volk as Kat and Kiersey Clemons as Patricia? I’m so there. Or Kat could just end up with her one true love, Mandella.

Trish Bendix: Love & Basketball. Keep Sanaa Lathan (obvs) and then have her fall for one of her teammates. Might I suggest Samira Wiley?

What romcom would you love to see lesbianized?

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